Sophisticated Grace - Annas-Hair-Donut (Loonysama) (2024)

Chapter 1: The Reindeer Herders

Chapter Text

~ Anna ~

“Come on, Sis! We’re gonna be late!” says Elsa.

“Can’t you just go without me?”

“I need backup. Please?”

“I don’t understand why you can’t just talk to this chick. She seems really cool from what you’ve told me about her.”

“I can’t just show up at her show alone. That’s just pathetic.”

What the f*ck is wrong with her?

“Elsa, there’s nothing pathetic about you, ok? You’re a composer. Like the Arendelle Symphony Orchestra just performed your symphony. And the Arendelle Opera House performed your opera “Into the Unknown” just a few years ago. King Agnarr personally commissioned you to compose a string quartet for Queen Iduna’s 50th birthday party. And now you’re scoring a new ballet for the Living Rock Ballet Company. Ok? You’re f*cking impressive.”

“But I don’t know anything about punk. I don’t know what to do or say or whatever. Can you please come with me?”

“Fine!” I guess I should just be happy she wants anything to do with me. She sort of had a problem with my ex, which meant I sort of had a problem with her. Well, I didn’t really, but I was in love, you know? Anyway, we didn’t really talk a lot. Now that I’m done with that bastard, we can go back to being sisters again, a mission I take very seriously. I take a sip of whiskey from the glass sitting on the nightstand and stand up to stretch. I find the nearest skirt on the floor and pull it up over my hips, and add a sparkly, stretchy belt over it. What the hell, right? I don’t even bother to change my top or even put on a bra. I take my braids out, and frizz my hair a bit. Perfect. Messy bed head. I don’t even put any makeup on except some bright red lipstick and a dash of mascara. Then I turn my attention to Elsa to make sure she looks ok.

I care a whole lot more about how she looks than how I look. Elsa doesn’t get out much at all. And she definitely doesn’t date. So to see her this excited about a lady, I have to do everything I can to help her get the girl.

Sigh. It’s a good thing she tried to leave so early. No one shows up to a punk show two hours early like they do for operas. Two hours early means we have lots of time for a makeover. I really have my work cut out for me, though. She’s absolutely gorgeous, of course. But she never does anything to let people know it.

I walk into my closet to find something more appropriate for her than a chunky sweater and leggings. Seriously. That’s what she was gonna wear.

“Ok, this is what you’re gonna wear.” I hand her a light blue off the shoulders mesh top and a white tube top to go underneath it, and a silver stretch mini skirt.

“There’s not really much to it, is there?”

“Ok, you’re gonna look so hot in this. Honey… what’s her name again?”

“Honeymaren,” she says as she gets dressed. “Isn’t that such a beautiful name? Of course, she’s stunning…”

“Holy sh*t, Elsa, you’re so hot! Honeymaren is going to be drooling.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, but let me do your hair and makeup first.”

Smoky eyes and light pink lipstick. Perfect. Top it off with a faux hawk in the form of a braid, which only takes me seven tries. She looks like punk rock Barbie.

*****

~ Elsa ~

Why is this taking so long? If Honeymaren doesn’t like me for me, then what’s the point anyway?

But it’s also fun, in a way, two sisters bonding, getting ready to go out on the town. I've missed that so much over the past several years. Anna all but wrote me off because I didn’t like who she married. I was right, though. He is an asshole. It just took her a whole lot longer to see that. But I never meant for the rest of it to happen. I never meant for us to go years without speaking. And I never meant for my OCD to get out of control. I never meant to take a year off from composing. I never meant to go to the hospital. And... I never meant for Anna to get divorced.

“Anna, was it my fault you got divorced?” I can’t even look at her for fear of the answer.

“NO! Elsa, that’s the sixth time you’ve asked. I’m keeping count. And it’s the sixth time I’ve said that it wasn’t your fault. You’ve met him, remember? He’s an asshole, yeah?”

That’s right. He is an asshole. But what if it was my fault she got divorced, though? I can’t ask her again. I already know what she’s going to say…

“Are you sure?”

“Elsa! Two words. Exposure. Therapy. I’m not answering again.”

“OK! Sorry!” I throw my hands in the air because it's really impossible to argue with her once she's made up her mind about something.

“It’s ok. Just. It’s not your fault. Not at all. It was his fault. A little mine, too, but mostly his. I’m not answering that question again, though.”

I pull open the top drawer of my dresser.

“Anna, which pair? These silver ones kind of match the skirt, but I always feel like black is an elegant choice.”

“Really? The gloves?”

“I don’t want to take any chances.”

“Look, you can wear gloves tonight, but if you want anything to happen with this chick, you’re just going to have to get over it. Nothing bad is going to happen if you don't wear them.”

She doesn’t get it. I know it sounds crazy, but I didn’t wear my gloves when our parents got into that accident. Mom said to wear them and I didn’t and it froze and the car spun out of control. I always wore them after that. Well, I only needed to wear them outside. Then therapy... and then there was the time I forgot my gloves and the same thing happened to Samantha. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but I can’t take any chances. What if something bad happened to Anna on the way over? Or the driver? Or anyone else? Maybe I have to get over this if anything is ever going to happen with Honeymaren, or anyone else, but tonight isn’t the night. This is a big step for me. I have to get into a car to get there, and then be in a new environment I’m not comfortable with. And actually talk to a beautiful woman… It’s been a few years, but I’ve never seen anyone half as beautiful. Except Samantha, of course... and Anna doesn’t count.

“I know, but…”

Anna comes over to the drawer and draws out a pair I hadn't worn in years that was hiding in the back corner. Magenta leather gloves. They don’t match, but they’re perfect. She must have seen the look on my face because she gives me a wink. I can’t believe I forgot about these gloves. How could I, though? Anna gave them to me for my birthday a long time ago, and they were my favorite pair. Back when everyone thought it was just a quirky fashion choice and didn't know better. I guess I haven’t worn them since before she got married.

“You know, I’m proud of you, Els. I know how hard this is for you, and I’m glad you’re doing this. Even if you have to wear the gloves.”

A smile grows across my lips. It means everything that someone recognizes my hard work, especially her. “Ok, come on, we’re gonna be late!”

“You know it’s cool to be late, right?”

“Now you’re just making things up! It’s cool to be on time.”

*****

~ Anna ~

“Thanks, Sis, for coming with me, and, well… this,” she motions to her face and body.

“I’m just glad we’re together again.”

I don’t want to point it out to her, but every single guy that walked by slowed down to look at her. Mission accomplished! Honeymaren won’t even know what hit her!

“So, how did you meet her again?”

“She was at the opera. And she introduced herself to me.”

“Cause you were the composer?”

“Mhmm. She said she liked it a lot.”

“That must have been years ago.”

“Yeah, before…” Before Samantha, she meant. Elsa was only with Samantha for about a year, and she died in a car accident, and it triggered Elsa’s OCD to flare up. I wish I had been there for her more than sending a floral arrangement to the funeral. I didn’t even go to the funeral!

“And she’s got a punk band?”

“Yeah. I listened to some of their music and it’s… different… but Anna, she sounds just like an opera singer. I wouldn’t be surprised if she actually trained in opera.”

“Wow. She sounds really cool.”

“She is. That’s why I don’t want to make a fool of myself.”

“You won’t. Just be yourself. And I’ll be right there with you." I hold her gloved hand and assure her she's going to be fine.

She’s been through some stuff over the past few years. Her OCD got to be such a big problem that she couldn’t even compose, and she finally ended up in the hospital. She still fights with it every day, and I do not envy her for it. To go through life constantly thinking you’re going to hurt someone, not being able to be close to anyone because of it… she’s only told me a little bit about it, but I can see why she'd be so terrified to be in a relationship with anyone. But she's doing much better after lots of therapy and now that she’s not alone anymore. I would never say this to her, but that was actually the last straw with Hans. He didn’t want anything to do with Elsa. He blamed her for how sh*tty our marriage was, because she influenced me not to like him or something. Talk about pathetic. And what an ego! Elsa was in the hospital and she needed me. What was I supposed to do?

Anyway, I just want to forget about that sh*thead and be there for Elsa.

Wait, that bouncer has a gun. Seriously? What the f*ck does he need a gun for?

“Anna, what am I gonna do? I can’t go in," she turns back. "I can’t do this.”

“Yes, you can Elsa. The gun is in a holster. Just hold up your ID, I’ll give him the money and you don’t even have to talk to him. You can be on the other side of me so you’re the farthest from it. Ok? You can do this.”

“But what if I take it and shoot everyone? And all those people die and it’ll be all my fault and I’ll go to jail?”

“That’s not going to happen. For one thing, the fact that you’re even worried about it tells me you’re not going to do it. You can hold onto my arm if you need to. That way your hands won’t be free. Yeah?”

She takes a deep breath digs her fingers into my bicep. “Ok, yeah, you’re right. This is ridiculous.”

“The woman of your dreams is just on the other side of that door.”

“Ok, let’s do this… Anna, I can’t do this.”

“Yes, you can, Els. Two sisters, one mind. My mind, not yours. Yeah?”

She sighs again.

“Ok. Together.”

We make it inside without Elsa stealing the gun or shooting anybody. I can’t even imagine how scary that was for her. She must really like Honeymaren to face her fears like that. Just to be safe, I check to see if there are any cops with guns inside. There aren’t. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t going to be other obstacles in the way of Elsa’s happiness. I’ll do whatever I can to take them down with her, though.

*****

~ Kris ~

I'm f*cking exhausted. We got waylaid on the way over to whatever town this is, and then we had to get gas and there was an accident, and we didn’t even get in until 5:00 am after a super late show the night before. Not to mention I'm nursing a pretty extreme hangover. Sven's noodling with a new bass line and Olaf's banging his drumsticks together. It's driving me crazy. So f*cking loud. I was gonna ask them to keep it down. Whoa. That's a sick beat, though. Instead, I pick up the acoustic guitar that's sitting out and lie down on the couch across from them and jam on a pentatonic melody. Can't get enough pentatonic!

“What the f*ck are you guys doing?” an annoyed HM asks.

“You don’t like Svenny’s bass line?” asks Olaf.

“No. I mean…" she pauses for a moment to think before announcing, "It’s awesome. I totally want to write a song to it later. Take 30 seconds to record it and then get your f*cking asses in gear. We’re on in an hour.”

She really knows how to slam a door.

Olaf always chases after her, trying to give her fashion advice. Not that he needs to, really. She always looks hot in whatever she wears. “Hey, HM? Sparkly fishnets with short leather shorts,” he suggests.

Suddenly her leg is sticking out of the crack of the door to reveal that she's already wearing them.

“Who’s the lucky lady?” I ask. She only breaks out those tights when she wanted to impress someone.

“Oh, um, no one. Why?”

I roll my head over the side of the couch to look at her skeptically, “Really? You really think that I don’t know you that well after being on the road with you for almost 20 years?”

“Fine! She’s a composer. I met her a few years ago when I went to see that opera. I may have, out of the blue, you know, um, let her know that we were playing a few shows here and that she could come if she wanted.”

“Wait, that was like how many years go?"

"I said 'out of the blue,' didn't I?"

"So you don’t even know for sure if she’s coming?”

She hangs her head low, then pops it back up again, always the optimist. “If she is, she is. If she’s not, oh well.” Back to finish her makeup and vocal exercises or whatever. Back to some more pentatonic improv for me. What the hell, right? We've got time.

*****

~ HM ~

It's been a long time since I did a full vocal warm-up like this. Not since conservatory. And a couple years after that. Those are not years I especialy want to recall. I'm not really trying to impress Elsa, but she is a composer, so she obviously has a great ear. I switch on some Souxie and the Banshees and sing along. That always makes me feel better. The boys are used to my routine, but they keep jamming even though I told them to get moving. Can’t say I blame them. It's a killer beat. I bet they didn’t even record it like I told them to. Damn it. I still have to do my eyelashes and eyebrows.

I poke my head out to make sure. Sometimes it's like working with little kids. “Did you guys record that yet?”

“Yeah!” shouts Svenny. He whispers, but I can still hear, of course, “Kris, hit record.” I roll my eyes because I don't really have time to babysit.

“Yeah, we’re on it, HM!” says Kris. Sometimes he's annoying, but I honestly don’t know what I’d do if he ever left. It's my band, but he's the glue that holds it together. It's gonna happen one of these days, though. He's too good to be playing punk rock his whole life, and one day he’ll realize it. Whatever. Hopefully it won't be any time soon.

I'll just finish up my eyes, being extra careful, just going that extra step, you know, just in case. Ok, now zip the boots. I'm not overthinking this... I'm not gonna look at the messages Elsa and I exchanged over the past few days. Ok, yes, I am. But just once.

HM: Hey, Elsa, I’m gonna be in Arendelle for a few days. My band is playing a few shows. You interested?

E: Honeymaren! It’s so good to hear from you! When and where are you playing? I’d love to see your show if I can.

HM: We’re the Reindeer Herders. 10pm at the Trading Post. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night.

That was it. She never wrote back to let me know if she was gonna make it. But I'm trying not to read into that. It was three years ago. We've been in town a couple of times since then, but I was in relationships then, and then we took a small hiatus so Kris and I could write and the band could record our last album. But I never forgot about her. She seemed kind of eccentric, definitely had that whole genius artist thing going on. I know the type very well, but she seemed different, like it wasn’t an act. What would she think about punk, though? The truth was that it always looks like we didn’t give two sh*ts, but we do. We give a lot of sh*ts. I put my heart, soul, and bank account into this band, and I couldn’t be prouder, not to mention that these guys are like brothers to me, well Kris is anyway. Yes, I was an opera singer, in the company, not solo, but one day I did a big F-You to the classical world and got myself a microphone. And a kick-ass guitarist. But I still like to take in an opera here and there, just whenever there's something new being premiered and we just happen to be in town for it. I still love the music. It’s just that I love punk rock so much more.

*****

~ Kris ~

I'm already dressed. Jeans and mustard yellow t-shirt, black sneakers. I never do anything to my hair. Eh, good enough for punk rock. I never got into the ripped jeans and vests with sewed on patches, green Mohawk, all that. Cause it's so much f*cking work and I just wanna play some music. I'm just gonna lie back on the couch and cross my legs over the armrest and continue with the melody I started. We still have time.

“You ever wonder what it would be like to have someone waiting for you every time you came to a town? Like if there was always someone in the audience looking for you? You’d see them like once or twice a year or whatever?” I ask Sven.

“I don’t know. Not really. But I guess it would be cool. Like having a relationship but not."

"I used to do that whole different night, different town, different girl thing. But it gets old. Every once in a while someone catches my eye, but then she just wants to f*ck a musician. It never used to bother me, but now I kinda like the girls I f*ck to actually want to f*ck me. Not my guitar. Even if it’s just once and we don’t know each other’s names.”

“When was the last time someone wanted to f*ck you? Or your guitar?"

I toss my pick at him and it lands on the floor. "f*ck you, man." I'm joking, but he's not wrong. I'm kinda getting old for the girls that come to our shows. And the 40-something year old guitarist of a punk band doesn't have the same ring to it as the 30-something year old guitarist does.

"Yeah, I know what you mean," he says, after his giggle fit is over.

"What?" I glare at him and ask incredulously, “Are you f*cking kidding me? You pull like almost every night.”

“Yeah, but then I take the wig off and they don’t like me anymore. So they’re not f*cking my bass, but it’s like they’re f*cking the wig.”

“Ok, fair enough. Which one are you wearing tonight anyway?”

“Aqua!” Sven suddenly realizes we're about to play a show and shimmies into his green sequin dress and plucks his aqua wig from the wig stand. He reapplies his lipstick and adjusts his wig in front of the mirror. "Ok, I'm ready!"

Olaf's over there in the back lurking and listening to the conversation. He so has a thing for Sven and Sven is too dumb to realize it. They're so perfect for each other, and it's so stupid cause he doesn't even know it. I sort of feel bad for Olaf, though, because he can’t really say anything that could cause drama . The last bass player we had caused drama and HM kicked her out so fast. That’s two things I like about HM. She has a zero tolerance policy for bullsh*t and she knows how to take care of business.

“Ok, come on boys. Let’s go make some noise!” Olaf bounces his sticks together a few times and HM takes my hand so I don't dawdle.

It's an outdoor venue and it's pretty packed. That's nice compared to the last town, which was almost embarrassing. But then again, we're opening for the People of the Sun tonight and for the next few months, and they're probably all here for them and not us. Of course, Yelena North is kind of a legend. It’s like the highest honor to get to open for her. And she's as cool as she looks, too, and a genuinely nice lady on top of that.

HM's scanning the audience to see if she can find her lady friend. She gives up and decides it's better to just focus on memorizing the set list. I've already memorized it since I wrote it, so I can keep looking.

Which one is HM’s? She said blonde hair. That’s not helpful since every other woman in the place has blonde hair. sh*t, who is that?

“Whatcha lookin at?” Sven whispers.

“The redhead.”

“Yeah, man. She’s hot. That ass-”

“Yeah.”

"Though I like women that actually have boobs. Otherwise, what's the point?"

I roll my eyes and glare at him, "She has boobs. And-"

Fortunately, the stage manager tells us to come out and set up. I'll be able to see better from up there. f*ck... she's even more gorgeous from the front.

I'm trying so hard not to stare, but I really can't take my eyes off of her. There's something about her. I don't know, maybe it's be cause she doesn't even know I exist. But I'm right here. On the stage. With my guitar. Being a rock star. And she won't even look at me once. Not once! At least I know she doesn't want to f*ck my guitar. Wait, she's probably just not into dudes. That's probably what it is. Cause most, or at least a lot, of the girls that come to our shows aren't.

Now here I am, sitting on the tour bus anyway, on pins and needles, waiting to find out if she thinks I'm worth knocking on the door for. Because after the show I threw my guitar pick at her, and she just like caught it. Reached up her hand and grabbed it from the air. No f*cking way. I still can't believe it, and my heart is pounding. She actually looked at me, and what did I do? I pour myself a drink as I remember. I f*cking winked at her! What a f*cking moron. The first woman to actually catch my pick and I wink at her like she's just some ordinary girl that wants a quickie in the tour bus.

What the f*ck is wrong with me? I haven't felt this nervous about a woman in probably 20 years. It's unbearable, so I down my drink and pour another. A silent prayer to the rock'n'roll gods couldn't hurt either because she's so f*cking hot. No matter what, though, my next song is definitely going to be about her.

Chapter 2: Rebel Girl

Chapter Text

~ Anna ~

“'Kristoff Bjorgman.'" His signature’s on the back of his pick.

“Did he just wink at you? I think he just winked at you.”

Elsa's way too excited about this. “No, probably just had something in his eye. Do you want this?”

She laughs sweetly, but insists, “Um, no, I think you should keep it.”

I don’t really have any pockets. My ID and some cash and my phone were all tucked into my elastic belt. I'm not even wearing a bra. Shoulder shrug. I guess I'll just slide it into my underwear. Whatever.

Elsa and I stay for People of the Sun. She's just putting off meeting Honeymaren, but I’ve wanted to see Yelena North since high school so I let her. If Elsa told me that the Reindeer Herders were opening for Yelena I would have been so much more excited. Well, excited period.

But Honeymaren’s pretty good. Elsa was right about her voice. And that guitar player, Kristoff whatever, was actually really decent. He was definitely holding back, though. It’s obvious he has a blues background.

“Isn’t Honeymaren spectacular?” Even while Yelena North is on stage she's gushing about this chick. f*ck it. I'm sure I'll see People of the Sun some other time.

“Yeah, she’s pretty great. Come on, let’s go say hi.”

“Wait, what?”

She really didn’t think we’d come here tonight and not even talk to her? Really?

“Anna, I don’t think I can do this.”

“You can. Come on.” I’m not even gonna give her an option. I'm knocking on the door of that tour bus whether she likes it or not.

The bass player opens the door. How does he get his eyeliner to do that? He doesn’t even say anything to me. “Kris, it’s for your guitar!”

“No, I just…” Ugh! Why did he think we were there for Kris… er his guitar? What?

“What!?” he says from behind the bass player.

“Oh. Um, hi. Um. Yeah, come in. Yeah, just, um, take a seat, I guess. Do you want anything to drink?”

“Is Honeymaren here?” I ask.

“Oh. You’re here to see HM?” He takes a deep breath and seems disappointed. “Just a second.”

He actually thought I was here for him? Please.

Honeymaren comes out and her eyes get wide when she sees Elsa. “Holy sh*t, Elsa. You’re here!”

Elsa’s so cute and coy, “Yeah, you guys are so good. I loved it, we loved it. Oh, um, this is my sister Anna.”

“Nice to meet you, Anna.”

“You, too. You killed it by the way. You got a serious set of pipes on you.”

“Thanks.” She’s not even looking at me cause she’s too busy drooling. “Do you want to go for a walk, Elsa?”

Elsa looks at me. I wink and watch them walk off the bus. Look at those two, can’t take their eyes off each other.

I didn’t notice before, but that guy Kris is staring at my legs. What the hell am I even wearing? Right. Only the shortest skirt I own. Perfect. And my legs are crossed. And I’m turned to the side a little so even more leg shows.

Creep.

“Do you have any whiskey?” I'll probably be here for a while anyway.

Finally, his eyes can move. “Uh, like on the rocks? With co*ke?”

“Depends. What kind of whiskey do you have?”

“Tullamore D.E.W.?”

He holds up the bottle. 12 year. Damn, he shells out. Not what I expected.

“Neat.”

“You don’t want anything in it?”

Why the f*ck would I say “neat” if I wanted something in it?

“No.” I opt for civility for Elsa’s sake.

“So, um, Elsa’s your sister?”

“Yup.”

“Do you live here?”

“Yup."

“What do you do?”

What's with the 3rd degree?

“I’m a violinist.”

“sh*t, like in an orchestra?”

“Yup.”

“Ok, don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re a classical musician, you've got a nose ring, and you like Bikini Kill?”

Apparently he noticed my chest, too. Perve.

“I guess that makes me a ‘Rebel Girl’.” I say sarcastically, testing him.

He smiles. Whatever. It's their biggest hit, and he's a professional guitarist in a queer punk band so it's not really that impressive. It’s not a bad smile, though... I guess. “There’s no law against it, you know. I’m sure you like bands that aren’t the Clash, the Ramones, and the Dead Kennedys, yeah?”

He rolled his eyes. “Ok, I guess I’m pretty predictable.”

“Cause those are his three favorite bands, in the correct order.”

“Sven… don’t you have to take care of your wigs or something?” He tries to laugh it off like it didn’t happen, but his cheeks tell a different story. Of course, he also really likes a whole list of other punk bands. Like I’m supposed to be impressed by his not so diverse pallet or something? If he really wants to impress me, he would tell me the f*cking truth. He should have said Robert Johnson, Cliff Stone, Muddy Waters, Buddy Guy, and Grand Pabbie. That would have impressed me more. Ok, to be fair, he did say Frank Zappa, and maybe that does impress me a little, but just barely.

Sven’s winking at me, and I’m trying really hard not to smile. Apparently I'm making Kris squirm and Sven's enjoying the show. Maybe this night’s gonna be more fun than I thought. I lean over and hold out my glass for more. Then he pours one for himself. He’s trying to hide it but I can tell from his face that it burns going down. I would have thought from how not full the bottle is, and the quality of the whiskey, that he does this all the time. He’s probably never taken it neat before.

I wonder how far I can push him before he breaks...

“Do you have like a boyfriend/girlfriend type of situation?”

Smooth segue, Kris.

“I just got divorced.” f*ck. It still hurts to say it out loud. Divorced. I’m glad to be done with that f*ckhole, but it still feels like failure.

“Oh, I’m sorry. That blows.” He actually means it.

“You?” I don't give a sh*t, but I might as well go along with it for Elsa's sake.

“It's been almost 15 years. So it’s almost like it didn’t even happen.”

“Wow, Kris. That’s harsh.”

His cheeks blossom a healthy red at my critisism. Well, this is fun.

"We were only married for a couple years, and then I got the job with HM and she didn’t want me to go on tour."

15 years? He’s totally fudging that number... Elsa, who has read everything she could about the Reindeer Herders, told me he'd been with the band since the beginning, and they'd together for about 20 years. I guess he doesn’t want me to think he’s as old as he is. He’s not that old.

"She didn’t trust me, you know?”

Rolling my eyes, “Should she have trusted you?”

“Yes. But that wasn’t the problem.” sh*t, he f*cking means that. I hate that I just squeezed my legs together when he said that.

“Oh. She cheated on you?”

He doesn’t answer. Still f*cking squeezing... “What about you?”

“He was the conductor and he was f*cking half the cello section. Apparently I play the wrong instrument.”

My cup's empty so I lean back, arms on the backrest.

“Plus he was a sanctimonious dickhe*d that told me I was wasting my time playing Irish music in dive bars and that it was making my classical chops go bad. Dude, I f*cking practice 3 hours a day on my own. Every day. Even when we have rehearsals and concerts. Pretty sure my classical chops are exactly where they f*cking need to be.”

sh*t. That was real. I do not need him to be my therapist.

He smiles, though, and fills my glass again.

“There were a lot of other things, though.” This is embarrassing. “Sorry. It’s still fresh."

Kris is unnervingly quiet. Now I'm about to squirm… “So you play Irish music, too?”

“Well, there’s a session I go to every week. I just go and have a little fun. It’s nice to play something a little different every once in a while.”

The liquor's finally starting to hit me. For whatever reason, I move to his lap. He's so cute and confused and his hands hug my hips automatically.

“Did you wink at me, from the stage? At the end?” I ask.

“Uhhhhhhhh…”

“Does that usually work for you? Like, do girls actually go for that?”

“Uhhhhhhh….”

I don’t really care. He's f*cking hot and I want him.

I straddle him and he pushes up my skirt.

f*ck! I haven’t shaved above the knee in like two weeks.

He doesn’t say anything, just touches more surface area with his ginormous hands, reaching farther beneath my skirt. I guess he doesn’t care if I shaved. f*ck it. I roll onto him so it feels good and he dances his tongue on mine. Holy sh*t, that tongue knows what it’s doing. And he squeezes my ass and pulls me to him and pushes me away from him at exactly the right times. Yeah. I’m f*cking wet.

My hands are barely tucked into the waist of jeans as his breath burns against my ear like a blow torch, “Can I f*ck you?”

Ok, I really like this guy.

Instead of answering him, I grab his ear with my teeth and swirl my tongue around his lobe.

“Can we go to your place?” he suggests?

I don’t really want to wait, but it’ll be better than on the bus. Instead of answering him I lead him by the hand outside to the front of the Trading Post. Our lips are glued together, our hips are glued together. And I've never waited so long for a f*cking Uber before.

“sh*t!” But he's so hot...

“What’s wrong?”

“I forgot about Elsa.”

“Oh, she’s with HM, so she’s fine.”

“No, but you don’t understand. Let me just call her.”

“Anything?” He’s so patient, not even trying to touch me while I'm distressed. He's not just faking being nice to get in my pants… er skirt. He actually is nice.

“No. I’ll just send her a text I guess.”

“HM is like really good people. She won’t do anything to hurt her.” He’s way too damn sweet and he’s really growing on me.

“When is that Uber getting here?” Check my phone, five minutes away. Then a ten minute drive. So twenty minutes from this guy being between my legs. I can do it. It’s just twenty minutes. I can do or not do anything for twenty minutes, right?

“It’s going to be the longest ten minutes of my life,” his hot and steamy breath says to my neck. God, I want him so bad.

It’s taking almost all of my concentration not to leak on this dude’s backseat, and Kris’ wandering hand is not helping. Why does this asshole keep talking to us? Kris is doing nothing but finding new ways to get under my skirt, so I have to field the questions. It’s just not that awkward at all!

“Such a cute couple. So how long have you been together?”

“It’s been six years. We’re so in love.” My voice is trying its hardest to sound cheery but not fake, though it’s not very successful.

Holy f*ckballs... he needs to stop touching my knee like that.

“Isn’t that nice. How did you meet?”

“It was an accident, really. I was walking..." I'm trying so hard not to moan right now. "...Not paying attention to where I was going, and he ran his bike into me. So he took me to the hospital and everything. And that was our first date, actually. We have the x-ray framed and everything.” That actually happened to this violist I used to play in a string quartet with, so it's an easy lie.

“Oh, that’s sweet! So what do you do?”

“Christopher is an insurance adjuster and I’m a teller at a bank.”

“Oh, my! You two are perfect for each other.”

“Thank you!” I squeak, more for Kris than the driver… What did he just do to my inner thigh?

*****

~ Kris ~

I need to touch her right now. Like, I can’t wait until we get upstairs to kiss her. It'll take way too long and I’m not gonna be able to make it. I don’t mean to lift her, but I guess that’s how much I want to touch her ass.

What the f*ck? She’s actually laughing and smiling. That is not what I expected her to do. I think I can take my time a little now. That probably won’t happen again and I want to appreciate how sweet she actually is. And then she works herself out of my hold to go into the building. That’s ok. I’ll just appreciate her ass. I can’t wait to see what’s underneath that skirt, which is way too small. It should be illegal to wear a skirt that small. Why is this hallway so long?

We make out on the elevator and in the hallway and finally in front of her apartment. She can’t open the door without looking at it, so my hands take the opportunity to appreciate her breasts from behind. Of course she wasn’t wearing a bra... Her breasts aren’t huge, but f*ck are they full and perky. And her shirt’s kind of baggy at the bottom. It used to be a too big t-shirt but she chicked it out by making it a cropped tank top with tiny straps. If someone had been lying on the floor below her they’d see everything. I wonder if she’ll let me do that. It’s pretty weird, but maybe? No. This is already going way better than it should be so I'm not going to ruin it by asking her if I can lie on the ground beneath her and scream “Mmmm.... boobies!” Nope.

I can’t keep my lips away from hers, but... Why the hell is she pulling away? Does she not want this anymore?

“Sorry, but I just really need a glass of water. Do you want one?”

I shake my head 'no' and wait as patiently as I can. Is she playing with me?

“You know, we don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, right?”

Suddenly she’s in my arms. Not just in my arms, but she’s wrapped her whole body around me. I guess that means she still wants to. She’s sucking my mouth clean off my face… Wait. Did she just-?

She’s covering her mouth with her entire hand, eyes wide.

Holy sh*t, she did. She just burped in my mouth.

“I’m so sorry!”

“Aren’t you just the picture of sophisticated grace?”

She really does have a beautiful smile, though. I made her laugh and I got to see it again. She can burp in my mouth again if it means I can make her smile like that some more.

“Um, Kris, I think we came here so you could f*ck me?”

Damn it, I’m falling for her.

“Which way to your bed?”

The entire apartment is pretty much immaculate, at least it’s pretty clean. I’m not inspecting it or anything. But her room...

It’s clear she wasn’t expecting company. I don’t really care, I’d do her anywhere. Except the tour bus. I definitely did not want to do her on the bus. I didn’t want to think or worry about how much they could hear. I just want to concentrate on her. No distractions. And take my time, cause I want her in my arms for as long as possible.

She casually takes off her shirt and lies down on the bed. I have to take a deep breath so I don’t get too worked up too soon.

Now for the part I’ve been thinking about ever since she sat across from me in the bus in her too short skirt.

She unfastens her belt and her phone, ID, and a wad of cash fall to the floor but she doesn’t care. Neither do I. I really do love this skirt, though, but it’s time for it to go.

Wow... My Little Pony panties that actually look like men’s underwear? She’s definitely the sexiest woman in the galaxy and the cutest. Damn it, she’s freaking out...

“f*ck! sh*t.” She puts her hands on her face and curls her legs up into a ball to hide her panties. “I’m sorry. Obviously I didn’t plan on taking someone home with me tonight.”

The whole thing turns me on, though, even her panties. Just everything about her. “You mean you didn’t dress like a sex kitten on purpose?” I ask facetiously.

“I’ve been wearing that shirt for two days in a row, which is, by the way, the last time I showered and put deodorant on, and this skirt was literally on the top of that stack over there. It was the first thing I grabbed so that’s what I wore. The only effort I actually put into going out tonight was my lipstick. But I’m not even wearing that anymore because you are.”

She covers her face again and groans. I’m going to fall in love with her. There’s no question about that.

I don’t know what to say or how to make her feel better about the situation. Her underwear really only makes me like her more, but I can't say that to her. Probably anything I say will be wrong. I'll just pull down her panties. Then it won't even be an issue anymore.

sh*t. That’s my guitar pick, stuck to her hip. She’s already pretty embarrassed... Ugh... I just can’t let this one go, though. Not after she gave me such a hard time about winking at her. So I wink. Just to see her reaction.

“I guess you found your guitar pick. Great. This scenario couldn’t possibly be any more embarrassing. I didn’t have any pockets, ok? And I wasn’t wearing a bra.”

“You could have just tossed it on the ground.”

“I-”

Another wink.

“Fine, Kris! Fine. I creamed myself just a little. Is that what you want to know?”

It feels f*cking fantastic to know that I made her that excited just by looking at her. Is this really happening? I smile a f*cking million dollar smile, and kiss her out of lust and astonishment, and I’m not too proud to say a little gratitude as well, while she wraps her legs around me. They're like vines, her legs, and I really like the feel of them. Damn it, I want to make it last a long time because I really want her to remember me, but I know that’s not going to be an option.

She pulls at my pants pretty hard so I'll be closer to her, not close enough, though, and gets them below my knees so fast I can't even get my shirt off before she forces me to step out of the pants. She's actually staring at me. She's making this old man feel a lot younger than I can even pretend to be. It's been a really long time since anyone's made me feel this good about myself.

Oh, and that's her hand. She’s so much stronger than she looks. What a grip! sh*t she needs to stop.

Please let me be able to keep up with her...

“Wait, Kris! Do you have a condom? I don’t have any.”

sh*t. I didn’t even think about that. That’s how long it’s been. Oh, right, I have one in my wallet. But Sven gave that to me so long ago, it’s probably expired. She just noticed me checking the expiration date. Crap.

“Is it still good?” she asks, knives in my heart...

“Yeah. Definitely not expired."

Thank the rock'n'roll gods... I really don't think I'd be able to pull out of her. I know once I'm inside of her I'm not gonna want to leave.

"But I always like to double check, just in case.”

She doesn't even care, though. “Are you finally going to f*ck me, Kris? I’m holding back so hard for you right now.”

She’s holding back for me? She wants me that bad?

“Kris! f*cking get inside me now before I come without you!”

I thrust inside her straight to the back. I’ve never done that to a woman before, but she's just so slippery and her walls squeeze so tightly and pull me in, like I'm falling down a well and have absolutely no control, and holy sh*t, it’s f*cking over.

“f*ck. I'm so sorry. I know that wasn't very long, but you had me on the edge for 30 minutes or so. I just. I'm sorry.” I bury my face in her neck. This is probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my entire life.

But I definitely made her come. I’ve been with a lot of women, even if not recently, and that is by far the most genuine O face I’ve ever seen, all scrunched up and ugly cute. But beautiful, too. Most women try to make their faces look a certain way so it’s more attractive. But this woman, she just doesn’t give a sh*t.

“Don't be sorry. You made me feel so good."

Two seconds inside her was better than any other time with any other woman. Wait. f*ck. I don’t even know her name! Her sister said it when she introduced her to HM. But I don’t f*cking remember. I was too busy thinking about her legs and how short her skirt was.

"Good. Um, yeah. I'm glad." I'm glad?

Now she’s on her side in a god damn sexy playboy pose, sexier because she doesn’t even know she’s doing it. If I actually were younger…

“Do you want to stay over?”

Hell, yes. Definitely. “Do you want me to?”

“I wouldn’t mind having you for breakfast.”

“Well, I wouldn’t want to deny you.”

“Good.”

This is going so well. I really don't want to screw this up. But...

I close my eyes and finally ask, “So, um, this is kind of embarrassing…” It'll be so much worse if I don't ask now...

“I think we’re way past embarrassing now, aren’t we, Kris?”

It's almost like she's taunting me every time she uses my name. “Ok… Um, what’s your name?”

She’s making lots of faces… and I don’t know what any of the mean. I really f*cking hope she doesn’t kick me out of her bed right now. Now that I know what it’s like to lie next to her, I really don’t want to leave.

“Your sister said it when she introduced you to HM," I explain, hoping to minimize the damage, "But I think I must have been too distracted to catch it.”

“Oh!" she giggles at the compliment, "It’s Anna.”

“Anna. That’s beautiful.”

“Thank you.”

She scooches up close to me and I watch her fall asleep. Even her snores are cute. I take some time to study her face in the faint light that’s coming through her window from the street lamp. She gets more and more beautiful the longer I look at her.

The lock clicks and some soft giggling and whispering draws my attention briefly. Is that HM? It sounds like she and Elsa are going to have a night like Anna and I had, and a morning like I hope Anna and I’ll have, too.

Chapter 3: Breakfast in Bed

Chapter Text

~ Kris ~

I didn’t really sleep last night. How could I? Look at her, so calm and peaceful. Anyway, this is sort of a miracle. I have no idea how I pulled this off. Maybe I am sleeping and this is a dream. No… that’s just my arm. My arm’s asleep.

How did that happen to her hair? She basically didn’t move all night except to cling to me tighter when she got cold. It looks like some birds took up residence in there. True, it was messy when she went to bed, but this… it looks like it’s going to hurt when she brushes it out. It’s cute, though. I think I can touch it without waking her up. I’ll just brush it out of her face. Yup. That’s what she still looks like. Exactly how did I get her to sleep with me?

Oh, is she waking up? No, just stretching to turn over. The temptation is too much. I haven’t spooned with a woman… well, probably since Lyndsay. She’s just so tiny and naked. And her skin’s so soft. I start running my hand along her side and hip. I’m not trying to make this go anywhere, I just want to touch her. I guess she doesn’t like that because now my hand is tucked into her chest like a teddy bear.

I can’t kiss her face, or her neck, because then I’d wake her up. But I have to kiss her. So I press my lips against her shoulder and she shivers and moans, and draws my arm even closer to her heart.

I definitely have morning wood though, and she’s squeezing me between her cheeks. But I have to pee so bad. How is this going to work? I really really really don’t want to get up. But I have to pee, my arm’s asleep, I’m getting hornier by the second and she’s still asleep, and my back… oh that’s right. I’m still 42. sh*t. I gotta stretch it out a little before I can even put my pants on, which I have to do because Elsa might be there. HM’s seen my hiney and my dick so many times it wouldn’t even phase her, not that it ever did. But Elsa probably wouldn’t appreciate it.

Owwwww!!! What!!! Owwww!! Son of a Moth!!!! Ther f*ckin!!! G dick!!!! AAAAAhhhhhh!

What the f*ck is that? My f*cking guitar pick. Son of a bitch. Ok, that does not belong on the floor. Ok, I have to find some meaningful place to put it… so she remembers me...

Pants first, bathroom, pick. Ok. Where can I leave it? There’s a desk with a computer and a keyboard attached - I guess she writes music, too - nightstand, dresser with almost every drawer open... Pretty much anywhere I put it it’ll get lost. There’s just so much stuff… She didn’t even mention that. Then there’s her violin. Sitting on a chair. The case is open… Oh, that’s a cute compartment. I gotta hurry, she probably will kill me if she thinks I’m messing with her violin. It just pops open like that? It’s so cute. Is she even close to being awake?

There’s a little cardboard box that slides open. Kinda heavy. That’s weird. It’s like dark amber wedged into a three-sided block of wood. But it’s worn and white on the inside. Looks like something she uses a lot. Should I leave it in there? No, that’s too much. Oh, sh*t, she’s stretching and yawning. I really want to be naked next to her. Just drop the pick into the tiny compartment and walk away…

Her body is like silk, it’s just so… smooth. Except right here, all these fine and soft red and blond hairs. It’s been a while since she shaved here, I guess. I like the way it tickles, though, when my hand runs against the grain. Most girls wouldn’t wear a skirt that short if they hadn’t shaved their legs all the way up. But Anna is different and bad ass.

Whoa! She seriously almost punched me. Just stretching. She’s definitely dangerous. Holy sh*t she gets sexier with each stretch. What the f*ck am I supposed to do? I can’t wake her. If I keep lying in the same bed as naked her I’m gonna be in pain. She said she wanted to have me for breakfast, though… Crap! That’s what I’ll do. There has to be a drugstore around here somewhere… It’ll just take me a few minutes and she probably won’t even be awake by the time I get back.

Oh, there’s a place a couple blocks away. It’ll take me 10 minutes. And then I’ll be back in bed with her, naked and wrapped up in her silk vines, before she even notices I’m gone. I do need some toothpaste, though, while I’m here. And some magnesium supplements. And some Tylenol arthritis… I don’t actually have arthritis, but I’m trying not to get it. My dad’s been taking it since he was my age and he still doesn’t have it.

And a chocolate bar. Not sure if Anna likes chocolate, but maybe she’ll be less upset if she wakes up before I get back, if I come bearing chocolate…

What the f*ck… No. This cannot be happening. I don't even have her number. I’m gonna screw this up. I can’t believe it’s gonna end this way…

*****

~ Anna ~

What’s all that noise? Doesn’t matter. Too early.

Hands… mmm… lips.... Mmmm… oh, right, Kris… Kris is here…

“Kriiiis, that feels sooo good… wait… Kris?”

My hand. Right. Should have known better. Where the f*ck did he go? Did he seriously skip out on me? After I told him I wanted him for breakfast? What. The. Hell. f*cking typical.

There’s no note. No texts. Nothing. He doesn't have my number! I get up and look around the apartment. He’s just f*cking gone!

Fine. That’s fine. He was annoying anyway. It's not like we had a connection or anything. It was just sex. Meaningless sex with a mediocre punk guitarist. And it wasn’t that good….

"Snap out of it, Anna!" Ugh. I have to pee.

You know you’re horny when it turns you on to wipe yourself.

There’s nothing like morning sex, is there? Waking up and knowing you're gonna get it and then it isn’t there? Well.

f*cking c*nt-face f*cking left! Un-f*cking-believable.

That’s ok. I really don’t need him. Or anyone.

Oh, come on! The batteries are dead? Now? They’re dead now? Like right now? Why does the universe hate me?!

Ugh. I’m not even trying to be quiet as I rifle through the junk drawer in the kitchen looking for new batteries. Oh never mind. There’s a flashlight under the sink.

Ok, new-ish batteries. And a beautiful buzzing sound. I don’t need Kris for this. Or anything else. I certainly don’t need his puppy dog eyes or his shaggy hair or his...his… or his… hands and those things that are attached to them… with all the veins... cause all his guitar muscles… or his chest, shoulders… oh, his body’s like whiskey and gets better with age. He’s f*cking 18 year Scotch. f*ck!

Why am I crying?

“Holy sh*t! Anna? You ok?”

What the literal f*ck is he doing here? What the f*ck am I doing here? I’m completely naked with my face making the pillow under it soggy. My butt’s in the air ready for doggy style. And now I can’t turn my vibrator off. What the f*ck? At least it’s not shoved up my crotch anymore. So that’s a win, right? Nope. I dropped it at “Holy” and it rolled under the bed. It’s still on, and my butt’s still in the air and why can’t I f*cking move? God, this is more humiliating than everything from last night put together...

“You know, I was kind of hoping you’d wait for me, like you did last night?”

“What the f*ck, Kris?” Now I’m curled up into a ball, and as usual with him I’m at a huge disadvantage. It’s laughable how this started with me playing with him. God, how the tables have turned. I can’t even look at him because my skin feels hotter than that time I got sun poisoning.

“Well, I brought chocolate.”

He’s seriously dangling it in front of my face like a carrot? What the hell. I hug it to my body and open it. Then I take a couple of munches.

“This doesn’t make it better.” It would have been more effective if I had waited until I was done chewing. My saliva made it hard to get anything out.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Ok. Why is he taking his clothes off? Does he think something is going to happen here? Because it’s not. Because he wasn’t here and I took care of myself. Story of my whole f*cking marriage. Well, I would have if he didn’t make my vibrator, which is still buzzing, roll under the bed.

Oh. But, oh. But, oh. Ooohh.

“I’m sorry you had to take care of yourself. I did have a good reason for leaving and I didn’t think it would take that long. But there was a King Runeard's Day parade and I got stuck on the other side. And I don’t have your number.”

“Mhmmm.”

“Can I have your number?”

“Mhmmm.”

“Don’t you wanna know why I left?”

“Mhmmm.” I don’t really give a sh*t because he’s strumming my cl*t like a guitar.

Oh, sh*t, where did he go? Why did he stop? Is he seriously leaving me again? Now? In the middle of…”

“See? You said you wanted breakfast, and I knew we couldn’t have breakfast without this. Right?”

“Mhmmm.” I don’t give a sh*t about his dick right now. All I care about is his fingers. But I’m not going to say that. Ok, it was a good reason for leaving...

“Do you forgive me?”

“Not yet… But I’m getting closer…”

Next thing I know I’m sitting on his lap with my back towards him and my thighs are on top of his, my knees bent over his knees. His knees are hitting exactly the spot that made it hard to keep up conversation with the Uber driver last night. Just sitting here like this, with his dick poking at my butt is turning me on.

Ohhh. Just a tiny dip, just to get it wet so he can go back to pretending I’m his guitar. His other hand is wandering all over my body, so light and slow he’s giving me chills. And the kisses all over my back are, too. Between the nerves he’s plucking down under and… my nipples hurt so bad from not being touched. That’s it. I move his hand to cover one of my breasts. It’s so small under his hand, it’s probably a turn off for him.

Oh, but now he’s playing me like a violin and a guitar. I take care of the other one and my other hand plays with his hair.

“Getting closer?” His breath practically burns my skin but he soothes it with a soft kiss.

“Mhmmm…”

sh*t. He’s like bouncing his knees up and down, moving them out and in, leaning me forward and back, trying to find what’ll work. Every once in a while dipping his finger so he can keep going.

“Ohhhhhhhh…. I… I… FORGIVE YO-!!!!”

This is what morning sex should always be like. Why did he stop? Oh, sh*t, his hand must be so cramped. I turn and sit on his… wow, he’s so hard.

“What are you doing, Anna? sh*t!”

“Giving your heroic hand a break. Do you trust me?”

“It doesn’t really matter, does it? I’m completely at your mercy right now.”

I just did enough to massage my after-shocks. And rub his fingers while I’m doing it. What is that look for? Ugh… such a stupid face. I wish he wouldn’t look at me like that.

Whatever, it’s now or never, so I pull away from him.

“Wait! Anna! Where’d you go?”

“Just getting a condom.”

“Wait! No! I’ll g-”

He flops down on his back again as I rifle through the bag. Why is he groaning like that?

Oh. That’s why. Tylenol arthritis, magnesium. He’s being a baby. He literally just caught me crying while masturbating while having my butt in the air and he’s upset about me finding out he’s not as young as he thought he passed for? Give me a f*cking break.

Oh- he got lube! Such a gentleman! Not that we need it…

He’s f*cking huge. I didn’t really pay attention last night, but he’s almost as big as my vibrator. That’s probably too much lube. Ok, just put some on my cl*t… After that my own fingers are never going to satisfy me again. Not fair.

He’s still got his hands over his face, though. Seriously?

“Come on. Stop being such a baby. You’re hot and I don’t care how old you are.” I slide onto him as I offer my reassurances and it’s obvious he no longer cares.

But do I care. I can see him in the light now and take my time looking at him. His hair's dirty blond, but it's also a little dull, and the color has completely faded around his temples. His eyes are closed, and I really want to trace his crow's feet and the worry line across his forehead. His stubble's a little gray, too, in a few spots near his chin. I want to touch it but I don't. Could he be sexier? He’s got his hands all over my hips, guiding me like he did last night when we kissed. He really knows what he’s doing.

He’s got almost as much gray on his chest as he has light brown. It’s definitely doing it for me. It’s long enough to grab onto.

“Am I hurting you?”

“Can you…. Uh… pull harder? Please?”

Don’t have to ask me twice.

Oh- where the hell did that come from? I was not expecting another org*sm for a while, and I thought I’d know about it before it was going to happen. This man is an artist.

Another thing about him being older than me… he can go for so much longer. I’m seriously going to be so sore after this. He’s wearing me out. And it’s like he can read my mind because he flips me over and holds my hands at our hips. I try to lace my fingers into his but they’re so big I just leave them.

I can feel him stiffen inside me, but I’m so close. I know he already came, but he keeps going! I better figure this sh*t out quick. That’s all I need, though, just the thought of him trying to give me one last org*sm before he loses the condom inside me.

The weight of his body against mine feels so good. I don’t want him to get up so I hold him as long as I can.

“Anna? Could you please let go now? I need to clean up.” He’s enjoying this way too much.

I let go so he can kiss my nose and hand me a tissue.

“So… when do you leave Arendelle?”

“Tomorrow morning. We have a show in Berk. We don’t have a show tonight, though, but we do have rehearsal in a couple hours… so…”

Oh, now the vibrator stops!

“Can I get your number?”

Chapter 4: Lemons to Lemonade

Chapter Text

~ Elsa ~

She’s so much more gorgeous than I remember… I seriously dreamed about her every night for a few months after we met at the opera. But then I met Samantha, and well, that happened. We were only together for about 9 months or so when it happened. I cared about her a lot, but I don't think I really love her. She didn't know about my OCD, and it kept us from being closer. She had this butcher block thing with some really sharp cutting knives and I couldn't be at her apartment without thinking worrying "what if I take all the knives and stab her when we're watching TV or in the middle of the night?" And it was hard for her to be at my apartment because even though the knives were tucked away in a drawer, she always wanted to use them to cook. And then she'd leave them out to dry because they couldn't go in the dishwasher. She was a chef, so it probably wasn't going to work out anyway. I think she was pretty close to breaking up with me. That made it worse when she died, though. Because it was my fault in the first place, but also because I knew she loved me and I just didn’t love her back. I couldn't love her back. I’m pretty sure I’m not actually capable of love, though. So maybe that part’s not my fault. But what if she died with a broken heart?

I know wasn't really my fault she died, rationally anyway. But what if it was, though? All I have to do was is gloves whenever I go outside. That’s pretty simple. It’s a pretty simple way to prevent any more deaths. Plus I like wearing gloves. They look elegant and no one else wears gloves all the time like that. It’s kind of my signature and no one knows the real reason I wear them. They all just think I’m eccentric, and maybe that I just have a thing about dirt, at worst.

Honeymaren seems happy to see me, though. I still can’t believe she just messaged me out of the blue like that. But I'm glad she waited three years to do it. I'm not in a relationship, and I'm out of the hospital, and Anna's back in my life and happily done with that asshole ex of hers that never deserved her, and I've got my OCD way more under control than it even was the first time I met her. This is the right time for someone like her to come into my life. But I'm also keeping an open mind. Maybe all we'll have is tonight.

“It’s a nice night.” She’s breathing in the feel of the cool air, and she's taking in the stars like she’s seeing them for the first time. I didn’t expect her to be so down-to-earth. But I like it. This could be a really terrifying and unnerving encounter, but she’s making it seem so normal. She makes me feel like we’ve walked this path so many times already, and like we've actually known each other for three years.

“Do you want to get breakfast?”

“But it’s 2:00 in the morning.”

“Diners are always open, though. And I want some pancakes.”

Of course I’m gonna say yes, look at that cute smile on her face when she mentions pancakes.

“Come on, there’s one around the corner here!” She’s holding my hand! She’s holding my hand. And I’m not gonna freak out because of how good it feels. I wonder how much better it’ll feel against my skin. Will it be soft or rough? Warm of cold? Dry or sticky?

I can take my gloves off in the diner, and maybe she’ll hold my hand again so I can find out.

“Welcome to 24 Hour Diner. You could sit inside or outside. Wherever you want.” The place is empty.

“Let’s go outside. It’s so nice.”

“No.” Ugh… that came out wrong. “I just… I have a thing about eating outside. You know, there’s bugs and all that.”

“Oh, ok. Sure. Inside.” She’s a little disappointed. I can tell she likes to be outside whenever she can. She probably goes for hikes and camping and that kind of thing. Not what I expected after seeing her all dressed up for the opera and up on that stage. She’s still wearing those sparkly fishnets… I can’t even look at them. I really want to, but I’ll turn into a pink marshmallow.

I’m not going to take my gloves off right away. I’m gonna… oh, she has the sweetest smile.

“Those are some rad gloves. May I?” She just holds my hand and admires them from up close. Thank goodness. I was planning to take them off, maybe just when we're eating, though. Not because I'm worried about anyone getting into a crash, cause that only happens when I'm outside and don't wear them, but more like as a security blanket. I'm not ready to get that close to her. What if she thinks I'm a freak?

“Anna gave them to me, actually. I haven’t worn them since forever.”

“They suit you.”

My heart sinks. I can’t tell her. Oh, no!

“Everything ok?” She turns to look at the cops that just came in to sit at the end of the counter. They both have guns. I wish Anna were here. She always knows what to say to make me feel better. What would she say now? “You’re not going to shoot anyone because you’re so worried about it….” I'm not going to shoot anyone. But what if I can't control myself and steal one of their guns? It could happen. Damn it, Elsa! It's not gonna happen... It's not gonna happen... But what if it does?

Honeymaren’s gonna think I’m a freak. But it’s not like I can even leave anyway because they’re right there by the door. What if I steal one of their guns when I try to leave? I can’t take that chance. It was such a bad idea to come out tonight. I should have just stayed home and worked out that progression that’s been bothering me for the last week…

“Elsa?” Now she’s sitting right in front of me so I can’t even see the cops. It's instantly better. How did she do that?

“Oh, sorry. It’s just kind of late. I guess I dozed off for a second.”

“Do you want to go home?”

“No. Definitely not.” Why is she looking behind her?

“Cops make me nervous, too.”

“Really?” Does she have the same issues? No. She’s too cool and confident to have OCD.

“Yeah. My little brother got arrested for selling weed and they were kind of violent with him.”

Just stop talking, you’re not helping me at all.

“That’s awful!”

“It was. They had a warrant and picked him up at one of our shows. And well, when you look like us…”

Never mind about how uncomfortable it is for me to hear about it. She actually lives it. I live in “what ifs” but this is her actual life. Being Ahtohallan, she’s probably seen a lot of actual police violence. I’m such an idiot.

“I got arrested, too, just for asking questions about why they were taking him away and where they were going. They said I was combative and harassing them. Not to mention I’m a gay Ahtohallan punk singer. I only spent a couple hours in the slammer, though, but my wrists were bruised for weeks. They didn’t have enough evidence charge me, plus Kris bailed me out right away.”

Oh my gods… Her wrists seem to be ok now, but I’m not gonna let go anyway.

“Is your brother still in jail?”

“Yeah, he’s got another year or so. It’s not that bad, I guess. He’s in a minimum security facility. And he was able to get a GED and now he’s taking college classes. So hopefully he’ll come out with an associates in automotive technology. He’ll be done with that in 6 months, I think?”

“Well, that’s making lemonade out of lemons. How are you so positive about all of that?”

“Mmmm. I dunno. It’s just who I am, I guess. I try not to sweat the small stuff, and celebrate the good stuff when it comes along. You know?”

I don’t know. I don’t know what that’s like at all. Her perspective is daunting. It’s almost too much. She’s easily one of the most incredible people I’ve ever met.

“Well, for what it’s worth, I think you’re beautiful.”

Wait, did she just… oh my gods, I made her blush. After all the things she sang about… some very sexual and violent themes… and being told she’s beautiful makes her blush? Obviously she hasn’t been told enough.

“Do you wanna get out of here? Yeah? Let’s ditch these pigs.”

My heart is racing. I wish it were racing at the thought of maybe spending the night with Honeymaren, but no, she’s going to drag me by the cops and I’ll be so close…

Whoa… that’s a wad of cash. It’s cute how crumpled up it is. Probably her share of the tip money. How does someone this cool want to spend time with me?

Ok, still wearing the gloves. I can do this. Honeymaren’s got one hand and invisible Anna’s got the other. The woman of my dreams is taking me to the other side of the door…

She’s on her phone now, probably looking for an Uber. I don’t care. I’m doing this. I put my arms around her neck and press my lips against hers and she actually drops her phone to reach around my waist. I’m burning in admiration for her. I was so nervous to scoot past those cops, but as soon as I got through the door this was the only thing I could think about.

I pick up her phone, which fortunately fell on the grass and didn’t get messed up, and enter my address. There’s no way I’m letting her go back to her bus tonight.

*****

~ Honeymaren ~

Elsa groans. “What is going on?”

“What is that noise?” Sounds like someone is awake and rummaging through drawers in the kitchen or something.

“Anna must be awake.” Her grunts of frustration confirm that. Then the door slammed.

“I guess things didn’t really work out for her last night.”

"Yeah, she can't really do one-night stands. She gets way too attached way too easily." Elsa sighs and rolls over to her back. "At least she won't end up marrying this one."

She’s still wearing her gloves… Don’t get me wrong, they look good on her, especially when she isn’t wearing anything else. And it was kind of fun, you know, and I already have a couple of lyrics about them. The boys better have recorded that bass line and Kris’ pretentious pentatonic lick, because that’s what these lyrics are going with. As hot as it is, it is a little weird.

“How bout I make some coffee and I can cook you some eggs and toast or something?”

“Oh yeah, that sounds awesome.” Oh, she’s not getting away from me that fast. I’ll steal a few extra kisses before she puts on those… damn those are short shorts, and the back seam fits right between her cheeks. Yes, I love those shorts.

I excuse myself to the bathroom, and...

“Un-f*cking-believable. He just f*cking left! What the f*ck! Mother f*ck face mother f*cking... Uggghhhhh!!!” That’s Anna. Wow, sounds like her one-night stand actually was a one-night stand. Poor kid. She seems really upset about it.

I’m so tired, but I already know I'm not gonna get any sleep tonight. Maybe a quick power nap before rehearsal. And then when we’re on the road to Berk. Life of a rock star and all that, you know? I follow my nose to the kitchen, and Elsa already set a cup of coffee on the table for me. I really wish we didn't have to go to Berk tomorrow.

“So, Elsa, what do you think of punk now that you’ve actually been to a punk show?”

“Well…” I didn’t know her eyes could get any bigger. “It’s kind of exciting. I mean, it’s so raw and pure. There’s something so appealing about that after living in the classical world. Like liberating, I guess?”

“You, too, huh?”

“Me, too?”

“Yeah, you got bit by the bug. I did, too. When I was in conservatory.”

“So you did study opera! I knew it!”

“Guilty. I just got sick of all those pricks not casting me or looking down on me just cause I’m native Ahtohallan. A friend of mine was really into experimental music, and took me to see People of the Sun. He was doing some sort of collaboration with Yelena North. She’s really a genius and I can’t believe she wanted us to open for her. But I guess our last studio album got a little more out there for punk. Maybe that’s why she asked us. Anyway, I started going to shows and listening to music, and I should really play you some of my favorites, because a lot of female punk singers have an operatic quality to their voices and-”

The door just opened. If Elsa and Anna a both here, then-

“Kris?”

It’s so easy to make him blush. Is he the guy Anna went home with that she’s so upset about?

“Hi, HM. Elsa. Uh… I just had to go to the store and Anna was sleeping, so…”

“You done f*cked up, bro. Good luck!”

“f*ck! She’s awake?”

“Awake and pissed. You better hurry.”

Elsa’s a little shocked, but I’m not. Kris does stupid sh*t like that all the time. Also, we left her in the tour bus and there were only two possibilities. And only one of them couldn't stop staring at her from the stage and missing cues left and right because of it.

We hear him say, “Holy sh*t” and Elsa and I have a laughing fit.

“They might be a while, so you might as well hang out until they’re done…”

“That’s true… Any idea how we’ll fill the time?”

“I’m open to suggestions.”

“Let’s start with Souxie and the Banshees. She always gets me in the mood.” I’m already in the mood, but I also really want her to hear Souxie.

“You can put her on, but there’s really only one banshee I want to hear from right now.”

f*ck Souxie. I'd rather be Elsa's banshee.

Chapter 5: Whiskey in the Jar

Chapter Text

~ Kris ~

“Weeeellll! Look who just rolled in!” said Sven.

“Come on guys, cut the crap!” HM really doesn't f*ck around.

“Seriously, you’re not going to tell us anything, HM?”

“Fine. Elsa is amazing. I… that’s it. She’s amazing.”

“No wonder you’re a punk singer!”

“Hey, you can do a lot with one word. If it’s a good word. And ‘amazing’ is an amazing word.”

“Feh!” Olaf brushes past her. “What about the redhead?”

“Let’s just say it runs in the family.”

“You guys can’t be serious!” Olaf, clearly annoyed, runs off the bus to enjoy the sun and HM slams the door behind her.

“Ok, it’s just us now. What’s the sitch?”

Amazing. HM said it best. I’m lying where Anna sat last night. Is it weird that I sort of feel closer to her because of that? I’ll probably always think of her whenever I’m on this couch. It’s a good thing now, but…

“This is going to end in heartache one way or another.”

“Wow, congrats, man. And condolences?”

“Yeah. It would never work.” I don’t even know if she’s even thinking about that. Would she want it to work? “I’m on the road like nine months or more out of the year, and she plays in an orchestra. How would that even work? She couldn’t come with me, and I couldn’t stay with her for more than a few months, and probably not even in a row.

“You know, you can quit the band if you want. No one’s gonna hate you. We’ll still be your family and all that.”

“What?” What the f*ck is he talking about?

“If you decided you didn’t want to tour anymore. You know, put down roots or whatever. No one would hold it against you.”

Holy sh*t. That thought hadn’t even occurred to me. My whole life is this band and this bus and HM, Sven, and Olaf are my family. I just stay with my parents when we’re not touring. I don’t even have my own place.

“I only just met this woman last night. Aren’t you getting ahead of yourself?”

“I don’t know, am I?”

He’s not.

“I don’t even know if she ever wants to see me again.” As if on cue…

[beep...beep...beep...beep]

“See that? Destiny!” Sven moves his fingers and tries to be all mystical, but he just looks ridiculous and I laugh so hard with him.

A: 6pm, Oaken’s Irish Pub

A: Bring your guitar

“So, what’s up?”

“No idea. She said to bring my guitar.”

“Do you think she wants to f*ck your guitar, Kris?”

“Hey!” Too bad there’s only one pillow to throw at him and it’s under my head. He’s never gonna let me live that down. Of course, I’m never going to tell him that I actually f*cked my guitar. Not like I was pretending she was my guitar, but I really had a lot to make up for, and maybe I used some of the same motions… f*ck. Whatever, she really liked it, so I'm not gonna apologize for it.

“Kidding, only! Jeez!”

“She told me she plays at some Irish music sessions sometimes. That’s probably what it is.”

A: You can bring the guys, too, if you want

“Do you want to go?”

“Hells yeah I do!”

HM’s out doing something with Elsa. They really seemed to hit it off. It’s a nice change of pace because she usually brings home the bitchiest women, but Elsa seems really sweet. She deserves someone like that.

I can’t wait to hear Anna play. I’m a little nervous checking out her scene, cause I have no idea what to expect. But at least Sven and Olaf are here with me. I can’t wait to hear her play, so I’m just focusing on that. Everything else is second. Well, except her. I’m mostly excited to see her again. It’s just better since she’ll be playing. I’ve been thinking about it all day, ever since she texted. I’ve been thinking about her pretty much non-stop since I first laid eyes on her. I don’t know what the hell I’m even doing with her. Or what she’s doing with me. She's so out of my league and I'm way too old for her. Whatever, I’m just gonna let myself enjoy it for what it is and stop overthinking it.

“Mmmmm. Smell that, Sven?”

“The familiar scent of stale beer and sweat.”

“Feels like home, doesn’t it?”

“How do you guys cope with the ever-increasing complexity of thought that comes with maturity?”

“f*ck you, Olaf.”

“Is that a promise? Or a threat?”

Oh, it’s so cute when they flirt. Olaf’s always saying smartass sh*t like that. And he probably wouldn’t if dumbass Sven didn’t make it so appetizing for him. One of these days, Olaf’s gonna get it. It’s probably what he’s counting on. Poor Sven’s too dumb to realize he’s been he’s been dangling his carrot in front of Olaf for years. He’ll seriously f*ck anything that’s human. And Olaf’s bunk is right next to his. Whatever. Remind me not to be on the bus whenever he figures that sh*t out. They have years of pent up frustration to work out.

This place reminds me of some of the dive bars we used to play at when I started out with HM. And all the clubs I played at with all my other bands before hers. And my parents brought me to places like this when I was a kid. Hell, they even met in a place like this. I was being serious. This does feel like home.

The Reindeer Herders isn’t a huge band, we’re moderately successful. Sometimes I see kids wearing our t-shirts on the street, but they never recognize my face. We have eleven studio albums and six Billboard hits, at the bottom of the list. We’re too big to play a place like this, but not big enough for an arena. Somewhere in the middle. So it’s been a long time since I’ve been somewhere so familiar.

I don’t see Anna, though. Maybe we’re early? Right, how could I miss her before? It’s impossible to miss her. She’s the only woman in the bar, and now she’s the only violinist. She’s not, however, the only redhead.

“sh*t. How the f*ck are we supposed to play with that?” Sven only plays basic guitar stuff. He can do chords, and that’s about it. He’s not bad, though. Just sometimes he has trouble keeping up if it goes too fast. But I’ve been playing guitar since I was 5, and I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to hang with these guys.

“No f*cking clue. I kind of want to leave so we don’t have to make fools of ourselves. Olaf! Wait!” That little f*cker. All he has to worry about is the rhythm, and it’s in 4/4. Ugh.

“sh*t. Now we have to go.”

“We had to go anyway. Come on, Casanova. You got us into this mess.”

He’s right. I'm so worried that Anna will hear me play something that isn’t punk and she’ll think I’m a sh*tty musician not worth her time. I’m no Robert Johnson, but I’m not sh*tty. So I don’t want to come across that way. Sven and I set our cases on a nearby table, and tune quickly and quietly. Anna already knows I’m here cause Olaf’s over there fitting in like he was born there. I wish I could be so at ease with myself as he is. At this point, though, I am what I am. f*ck it. Here we go.

I’m not even sure if she’ll notice me pull the chair out, but she f*cking winks at me. Of course she does. Oh, sh*t. Maybe that means she found my guitar pick in her case? I don’t care either way. I liked that wink. She can wink at me again. I really won’t mind.

They’re facing a wall in the corner, but the people in the bar are clapping for them. It’s weird because it’s not like they’re actually performing. It’s not quite a rehearsal, but it’s really informal. And no one paid to hear them. There isn’t even a tip jar.

“Hey.” I wanted more than what she gave me, but she gave me more than I thought she would. Did her lips actually get softer? What does she have on her lips now? They’re shiny and there’s glitter, but it looks like maybe her natural color. I like this so much better than the red she was wearing last night. Even if it did make my lips a little sticky.

“Anna? Who’re your friends?”

“Oh, right! Sorry!” she responds to the older guy with glasses holding some kind of drum. “This is Kris, Sven, and Olaf. Guys, this is Marky (guitar), Sean (pipe), Ryan (bodhran), Declan (bodhran), Liam (guitar), and Connor (mandolin).”

“Hey, nice to meet you. Thanks for letting us listen.”

“Oh, you’re not listening today, old man. Why do you think you brought your guitar?”

Sven clears his throat and I don’t even have to look at him to know the dirty comment he’s holding back and the agreement about my age. He's only a few years younger, but he gives me sh*t all the time. A glare is hopefully enough to keep him quiet.

“Old man?” That’s adorable. I’m probably at least 10 years older than her. But “old man” was clearly facetious.

“Yeah, don’t be a fuddy duddy!” Olaf chimes in. That dickhe*d. But Anna’s smile is genuine. She meant that as an endearment. How could I possibly be upset by that.

“You guys ever been to a session before?” I think that’s Declan?

None of us had.

“We usually just pick a few tunes, pick the key, and jam.”

“Sounds good to me, except I don’t think I know any tunes.”

“If you read music we have a fake book you can look at. If not, it’s easy enough to pick up by ear.” Sean (?) offers the book to me and Sven.

“The fake book has the chords spelled out, too, so maybe that helps,” adds Connor (?). It does help. I barely read music, and I know Sven doesn’t for sure.

“Anna, any special requests for the new guys?” Was that Declan again?

“Hmmmm… How bout we just keep it simple with one tune. ‘Whiskey in the Jar.’ In D.”

She noodles a bit on what must be the tune, to get it in our ears, and then she does some quiet counting for the drummers to get the tempo. Everyone starts strumming or beating quietly, just to get into the down beat. Olaf’s beating his sticks against the table.

I’m not really good at reading music. I can, but I don’t do it often enough to read quickly enough to play along. So I'll just stick to chords for now. I'm picking up on the melody and it’s simple enough, but I do my best to listen so I can fit in where I’m needed. I’m also following the other guitarist and mandolin to see what they do to fit in. I’d honestly rather listen to Anna play, though. Whatever I imagined it would be like to sit next to her while her fingers flew like that, it’s definitely not what I thought it would be. She has no place being in an orchestra, where she’s just a fish in a sea of wood and brass. She’s electric and she belongs on her own stage. The other guys at the session see it, too. They all know how lucky they are to be playing with Anna. At least a couple, if not all, of those guys definitely have chubs for her right now. You can see it in their eyes, how they look at her. Not only is she a talented musician, but she’s so magnetic I can’t really stop looking at her either. And I'm not to proud to admit to my own chub growing. What would she look like if she were playing naked? How great would it be to see her muscles flex those f-holes tattoos while sound is coming out of the ones on her violin? I’m probably the only one that knows about her tattoos, though, right? And she smiles and laughs a lot, too. When I met her last night on the bus, I never would have guessed he could go hours without a smile ever leaving her face. She really loves this music, and I’m guessing she’d do this six hours a day if she didn’t have to work on the other stuff.

The other musicians have been trickling out slowly, and now it’s just the four of us. I keep trying to get Sven’s attention so he’ll leave and Anna and I can be alone together. Finally! He really isn’t that smart, but he’s a good friend, though. Finally. Just me and Anna. Jamming. This is pretty much the best date ever.

Anna can play any style. Not just classical or Irish. She can do jazz, bluegrass, even punk. Even blues.

"You ever thought about doing this full time? Instead of the orchestra?"

"What, you mean play Irish music full time?"

"Yeah, I mean you really seem like you love it."

"Have you ever thought about playing blues full time?"

"What do you mean?"

“It’s obvious, Kris. Blues is your first love.”

“Uhhhhh…” How the f*ck does she know that?

“When you’re playing with HM, all that pentatonic, but it’s more than that, it’s the way you feel rhythm. And then when we were playing just now. It’s just the way you improvise. It just reminds me of Grand Pabbie. Like, I can just tell you’ve listened to him. Like a lot.”

sh*t.

“Yeah. I’ve definitely listened to him a lot.” She has no idea what “a lot” actually means...

“Are you embarrassed about it?”

“What? No. Not embarrassed. I guess I just reinvented myself when I started playing punk. And it’s just been a while since I looked back like that.”

“Kris, you’re not looking back, though. You’ve still got a foot on the ground.”

This is just so f*cking unfair. How does she possibly know me this well? I haven’t told her sh*t about anything, but now she’s just uncovered things I never tell people. No one in the band knows that I grew up playing blues. They’ve never once asked me about it. Not in 20 years. Even Lyndsay didn’t really know. Well, not until I told her anyway. Which wasn’t until just before we got married and she wanted to like know all each other’s secrets. Whatever, I don’t have time for her right now.

But I don’t even have to tell her about myself because she already knows. And it’s only the second time I’ve met her. And after tonight I’m gonna leave and maybe never even see her again. That can’t be right. There has to be something…

“I guess I just don’t want to be judged for my background. I want to be judged for who I am now.”

“Well, I think you’re pretty wonderful, no matter where your feet are.”

“Really.” How could I not kiss her after that? “Maybe you could take me home with you so I can show you how wonderful you are?”

“I’ve already ordered the Uber, so we better go outside before they get here.”

“Just a second, not so fast.” I have to kiss her again. I have to get in as many kisses as I can. “I seem to recall them making us wait too long last night.”

“Yes, but here we have to sit in chairs. Outside means I can touch your butt.”

That’s a convincing argument.

This f*cking blows. It’s not like I want to marry her, or even that I’m in love with her. I just want to be around her. Like all the time. And I might not ever see her again.

I push her hair back so I can see her face and remember all the details. The first time we hooked up I just wanted her to remember me. Now I want to make sure I remember her. I doubt I’ll forget anyway.

“Hey? It’s too early for you to be awake.”

“I just don’t really sleep a lot I guess.”

“Cause you’re an old man?”

“That’s not nice. I’m only 42. That’s not old, is it?”

“42? Damn. I was hoping you were at least 44.”

She’s teasing me. She obviously doesn’t care about my age. She said she didn’t. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t. “How old are you?”

“33. I guess that does makes you an old man, though, doesn’t it?”

“I guess so,” I chuckle. “Unfortunately, I think it makes you an old maid, though, which is way worse. If I’d known you were that old, I wouldn’t have even bothered...” I look at my nails for dramatic effect.

She’s really fake hitting me for that? I guess it’s warranted. “I really thought you were so much younger, though. I feel a little cheated.”

“How young did you think I was?”

“I don’t know, like in your 20s for sure.”

Why is that funny? Why is she laughing at that?

“Wow. Thank you, that’s… well, that’s so flattering.”

“Did you really think I was 44?”

“I figured you were in your early 40s, and um, yeah. I like it. Your whole thing. I know you’re self-conscious about it, and you lied to me about how long ago you got divorced so I’d think you were younger than you-”

“Wait, what?”

“You said you got divorced 15 years ago. But it’s been 20 hasn’t it?”

How the f*ck does she keep knowing this sh*t about me? Is there some kind of Kristoff cheat sheet floating out there I don’t know about?

“Elsa told me the band had been together for 20 years and you said you got divorced right when you started touring with HM, and you said that was 15 years ago.”

“Oh. Yeah. It has been 20 years.”

f*cking hell. This is a f*cked up situation. And it’s not fair.

“Why do you try to hide who you are so much? What are you afraid of?”

“Anna. Look.” Damn it. We’re gonna have the talk. “You’re so… amazing… and I really like you. And I want to let down my guard for you. I really do. And you’ve done a good job of breaking it down anyway, but I’m leaving, in a few hours, actually. We have a gig in Berk tonight.”

“Oh. Ok.”

“I wish we had like another week or something, though. We actually stayed here longer than we usually do. Yelena actually wanted us in Berk yesterday. But HM talked her in to this morning since we didn’t have a show last night.”

“It’s so cool that you get to tour with her. That must be amazing.”

“It is. But to be honest, I think hanging out with you has been the highlight so far.”

“Awww, shucks!”

“I mean it. It’s gonna be hard to say goodbye to you.”

“Me, too.”

“Unless, you’d…”

“Look, I really, really like you, too. And if you lived here I’d totally want to see where it goes. But long distance is complicated and hard. We both know what it's like. And I’m under contract for the next 9 months, and you’re committed to the tour for another, what, year or so?”

“14 months.”

“Exactly. I can’t leave and you can’t stay. And even if you could, I literally just filed for divorce a month ago. I’m not ready for anything more serious. And then there’s Elsa. I have to be here for her.”

“I guess that pretty much leaves us at an impasse.”

“Yeah. I guess it does.”

This is so unfair.

“But that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily goodbye, though. Maybe we’ll meet again and we’ll be in a place where something more can happen.”

It’s a nice thought, but it’s not like she’s gonna want to come on tour with me. And I can’t not go on tour. And long distance… well, that’s what lead to my divorce, and it sounds like maybe it was a factor in hers, too. I can’t risk putting myself in that situation again.

I told Sven this was going to end in heartache. And now it f*cking has.

*****

~ Elsa ~

I'm sad that Honeymaren is leaving, but I'm also excited. We're gonna try a long distance relationship and see how it goes. The Reindeer Herders are coming back to play another show here in about 6 months. If we can keep it up for that long, then that's something to look forward to. I already miss her, but we're going to FaceTime tonight before her show. In a way, this is an ideal situation for me. It gives me time to work on my compulsions without having to explain anything, or avoid anything. She won't see me being weird. And in 6 months my therapist thinks I'll be able to have everything under control, or at least a lot closer to being under control. I just want my life back. I want to have control over myself again, be comfortable in my own skin. I know the OCD will always be there, but once I get it under control all I'll have to do is manage it, and know how to prevent it from taking over again. Today is day one and I'm gonna make this happen.

Wait... that's Anna. Is she crying?

"Anna?" I knock on the door. "Can I come in?"

"YES!"

She is crying. She's having a meltdown. I guess it didn't work out with Kris.

"What's wrong?"

"I just miss him! And I don't even know if I'm ever going to see him again! And he's perfect and wonderful and... and..."

Don't say it, Anna... don't you dare.

"I think I really screwed up, Elsa."

I try my best to hide my sigh of relief.

"I told him that it had to end there and that maybe we'd see each other in the future and something more could happen. I'm such an idiot!"

"No, you're not. You just got divorced, and you're just not ready for it. You did the right thing. And if it's meant to be, it will be. You have each other's numbers, right? And you can find each other on Instagram. It's not hopeless. It's just not the right time."

"I know, I just, I really like him, Elsa. I really like him and I never even liked Hans this much. It just feels so right with Kris. Like we were made for each other."

I know exactly what she means. But I hate to see her this way. All I can do is hope that Kris is still single and interested in 6 months. Because I've seen Anna get like this a few times, and she's not gonna move on any time soon. Except now she has to deal with being divorced and missing Kris. What really concerns me the most is that she's only known the guy for 48 hours and she's this wrecked? I wouldn't put it past her to marry him the next time he's in town. All you have to do is watch him while he's looking at her. I wouldn't put it past him to ask.

"Hey, Sis, let's have some hot chocolate and watch a movie. Maybe The Time Traveler's Wife, or The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, or 50 First Dates, or A Lot Like Love?" There's a theme here, not just for her, but for me, too. She starts sobbing again.

"Ok, 50 First Dates it is."

Now she's curled up on the couch with mom's red crochet blanket. I'm sad for her sorrow, but I'm not sad that we get another 6 months of sister time. It really feels like things might change after that, and I'm not ready to lose her so suddenly again. 6 months isn't enough, but it's more than we had before. Besides, Kris doesn't seem like an asshole. He seems nice. Clueless, yes, but he's nice. And Honeymaren loves him like a brother. I don't really know her all that well yet, but I get the feeling that that really means a lot.

"I know what you need. Mama’s words – cuddle close, scooch in." She shifts so her head is in my lap. "I love you, Sis."

"Me, too," she whispers as her cute snores take over.

Chapter 6: To Shave or Not to Shave Above the Knee?

Chapter Text

~ Anna ~

“Hey, Sis, guess who’s gonna be here on Saturday?"

Kris...

“I don't know, the pope?”

“No! Honeymaren!” That means Kris is gonna be here.

“Cool. How long?” I do my best to sound like I don’t care, but I’m crossing my fingers so she can’t see.

“Just one night."

f*ck. Which night?

"I’m gonna go see her on Saturday, wanna come?”

This f*cking sucks.

“Can’t. I have a concert.”

f*ck. Why Saturday? Of all days? Why not Sunday, or Wednesday? It’s f*cking punk and they don’t f*cking care what day it is. So why the hell will they be here on Saturday?

“That’s too bad.”

“You go and have fun.”

Damn it. It’s been about 6 months and I still can’t get his stupid face out of my head. Or his veiny guitar arms. Or the dumb freckles on his nose. It’s embarrassing, but there have been so many nights I’ve fallen asleep on that salty chest of his.

“I guess I’ll just tell Kris you had to work.”

Ok, I know she’s teasing, but why does she have to rub it in?

“I really don’t give a sh*t what you tell him. Why would I care?”

“No reason.”

She f*cking knows. She f*cking knows how much I f*cking care. f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! Sometimes she’s so frustrating.

I hate that I'm going to do this right now. But his pick is beckoning me from my violin case. I found it there right away, after that first night, and I've kept it there ever since. Except on the rare occasions, like tonight, when I just want to feel close to him, and I fall asleep with it in my hand.

*****

Saturday night. My concert will end around 10, I might get out of there by 11, 10:30 if no one wants to talk to me or take pictures or whatever. And then I’ll just Uber to the club right after and not go home first. They probably won't even go on until 10, maybe 11, so maybe I can at least catch the end of their set, if not all of it. Elsa didn’t say what time they start and I didn’t look it up.

I’ll be coming from a concert, though. There’s a strict dress policy for orchestra members, and I usually wear a black sweater and dress pants for concerts. All black, sure, but not in a cool way. It’s all black in a dorky never-have-weekends-free kind of way. But tonight… I really want Kris to notice me. Like he did last time. Knee length black pencil skirt with black fishnets it is. I hate this skirt, and I hardly ever wear it. It’s so tight and uncomfortable to sit in. And it’s not exactly easy access. But it does look really good on me. What’s a little discomfort compared to Kris winking at me from the stage again. And this see-through black top with a very low cut tank underneath. So saucy! The audience will only see black tights and a slightly sheer black shirt. Hans will probably notice my cleavage from the podium, but frankly, f*ck him. There’s a cellist on maternity leave because of him. Ha ha! Serves him right.

Definitely gonna shave my legs and do all the things to all the parts so it looks like I actually give a sh*t. Cause I do. sh*t. Stupid dull razor blade! It’s just a little blood, and it doesn’t even really hurt. f*ck it. I’m not shaving above the knee anymore. He didn’t care last time. I will take care of the other thing, though. I could have gotten waxed. But damn, that hurts. So I just did some at-home stuff to make it a little less repulsive. Again, he didn’t seem to mind last time either. It wasn’t that bad, but it also wasn’t on the level of ‘You’re gonna have the best sex of your life’ type of grooming. But it’s not exactly like he was prepared for it either. And it didn’t bother me at all. I’ll wear a bra this time. That’s already an improvement. Would I wear one if I didn’t have to go to work? Honestly, that's hard to say. I suppose I should wish I had more to stuff into a bra, but I’d rather not have to wear one at all. So I’m more than good with what I have. On the other hand, I do like having cleavage now and again.

sh*t. What if he has a girlfriend now? Or he’s married? Or completely lost interest? What if he forgot about me completely? Why do I even care this much? Just cause I think about him all the time. Ugh. I’m starting to sound like Elsa.

Could this symphony be any longer? Weren’t three movements enough? Why did they have to add a fourth? Oh, right. Convention, form, blah, blah, blah. How bout some f*cking originality?

“Jesus, Anna! What’s wrong with you tonight?”

“Huh?”

“You didn’t get a single page turn on time.”

“Oh, sorry. Guess my mind is elsewhere.”

“Whatever. Just get it right for tomorrow afternoon.” I really don’t like her. I’d gladly take my seat at the back of the second violins so I didn’t have to share a stand at the back of the first violin section with her anymore. I’d be further away from the audience, so that’d be a win.

I had to wait forever for the Uber. So many patrons also waiting, so it was hard to get one. The app keeps toggling. I'll just take the bus, which will take forever, too, since it doesn’t come as frequently this time of night, and it’ll involve a lot more walking. But I can't wait like this anymore. 11:30. I probably already missed them. Damn, it's really humid, not hot but just humid. I’m actually worried for my violin. I put a dehumidifier in there before I left, just in case, but my hair is totally frizzed, though. Whatever. It’s just hair. Kris didn’t seem to have a problem with it last time either. My back is drenched in sweat from being outside and walking so much with my violin strapped to my back like a band geek. How badly do I want to see this guy really? Do I really even want to go? I’m seriously reconsidering the universe’s plan here. It just really seems to be doing everything it can to keep us apart. f*ck it. f*ck you, universe! Let’s get rid of this shirt, stuff it in the pocket outside of my case. That’s better. Ok, this is happening. Ugh... Why am I so nervous? I don’t get nervous. Not around boys. I never felt nervous around Hans. Excited yes, but never nervous. Not even when we got married. It’s not like I had to stand in front of a crowd or anything, just the people waiting in line behind us at the county courthouse. But still. Not nervous. I’ve played concertos in front of audiences of 300 and I never got nervous. But Kris… he makes me freaking nervous.

There’s Elsa. She’s standing by herself, and I can’t believe it. I can’t believe the progress she made in such a short time. HM definitely had something to do with that. She’s still wearing her gloves, but now she doesn’t put them on until after she gets outside, and she takes them off before she goes inside. And the bouncer had a gun and she walked in here like a boss, by herself. 6 months ago she would have been standing outside for 3 hours waiting for me to meet her or just called it and walked away from HM. Judging by the strength of her hug, I can tell she really didn’t think I’d come out.

“Anna, Honeymaren said that Kris wrote this one.”

I’m completely lost in the song. It’s punk so it’s hard to make out the lyrics, but I can tell it’s a love song, and the bridge is the chorus of “Whiskey in the Jar”. Kris is a brilliant songwriter. His songs each have at least a couple of layers to them. This song is still edgy, but it’s way different than their other stuff. I may or may not have listened to all of their albums multiple times, including live cuts, seen all of their music videos, and even watched YouTube streams of concerts… I'm not obsessed or anything, but I may or may not be extremely familiar with their entire oeuvre...

Kris doesn’t even know I’m here, at least I don’t think he does. Oh, there’s his guitar pick. And the wink to go with it.

f*ck . I should have shaved above the knee…

Who are they opening for? Do I even want to see them?

“Do you wanna go talk to them?”

Sweet Elsa. Dear, sweet Elsa.

“I dunno. Who’s next?”

“Arendelle Army.”

f*ck. I do want to see them.

“I dunno. I kinda want to see them…”

“But don’t you want to see Kris? They’re only here tonight.”

f*cking hell, Elsa, I don’t f*cking know what I want!

“Can we stay for a few songs and then go see them? I don’t want to seem too eager.”

“You can play games if you want, Anna. But you’re just wasting time.”

“Elsa.” My hands are on her shoulders, trying to talk sense into her.

“He wrote a song about you, Anna. And he’s obviously still available.”

“Wait… what do you know?”

“I just saw him have something in his eye again. When he threw his guitar pick at you.” She’s right and she’s so smug.

“Fine. One song. We stay for one song.”

Elsa’s giddy, clapping her hands and jumping up and down. Small jumps, but still. Ok, it’s pretty cute. She really is into HM. I’ve never seen her like that about anyone or anything. And she’s totally got her compulsions under control. The thing with the gun is mostly gone, she’s still working on gloves, and there are a couple others, including the knife thing, that have disappeared, too. I know part of it is wanting to be able to actually be in a relationship with someone. Now that she has clear motivation…

I don’t know what I was expecting to find when we knocked on the door of the tour bus.

It’s Sven. “What?”

“We’re here for HM?” Does he really not remember us? Maybe that means Kris doesn't remember me.

“Oh, right. HM! Your booty call is here!”

“What the f*ck is wrong with you?” HM says, like she’s ready to slap Sven, rightly. Sven laughs so we all know he’s just giving HM a hard time.

“Hey, Anna.”

“Hey-”

Ok, that’s definitely a kiss. Ok, groping. Ok, now HM’s rolling her away to the front of the bus so we can’t see them. I can’t help but laugh at how into each other they are. It’s clear HM likes Elsa just as much as Elsa likes her. Good for them.

Wait. Did Sven just shut the door on my face? This is bordering on humiliating. I’m moderately panicking. What if he doesn’t want to see me? I’ll just try again. What if he forgot about me?

“Oh, sorry. HM just left with some blonde chick. Better luck next time.” Sven actually slams the door in my face again!

“Hey, f*ck you, Sven!” Sven laughs some more as I bang on the door. Clearly he’s playing jokes on everyone tonight. “I was gonna tell you how much I liked your dress. But I take it back!” I’m not sure if he can hear that. It is a fantastic dress and it does look bangin’. But he doesn’t deserve that compliment right now.

Suddenly the door cracks open just enough to fit a Kris sized body. It is him. And his arm is resting on the door frame above his head.

Squeezing my legs because he so god damn sexy like that.

He’s just staring at me blankly, though. Like he doesn’t remember who I am. f*ck this sh*t. Now I’m glad I didn’t shave all the way up. I’ll just check out Arendelle Army and head home after. But there’s Kris, leaping out of the bus to grab my arm.

“Get over here,” he said and picked me up to kiss me. Ok, I’m good to go. Like right now. Let’s go.

“So… where’d you put my guitar pick?” I might just pass out from the fire he’s breathing on me.

“I guess you’ll just have to find out, won’t you?”

“Is it somewhere in this giant skirt of yours?”

“My lips are sealed.”

He has a mischievous look in his eye. “Which ones?”

Wouldn’t that be a great place to put it… All I can say to that is offer a suggestive smile. “I already ordered an Uber. We better hurry.”

*****

~ Kris ~

I have to admit, I really didn’t expect to see Anna here. I didn’t tell her we were coming, but I guess HM told Elsa and Elsa told Anna. Of course. Maybe I didn’t say anything to her because I knew that would happen. Plus it’s all over my Instagram, which I didn’t do for her sake at all. Just shameless self-promotion. If she happened to notice, well… Either way, I didn’t think she’d show up. I figured she’d forgotten about me already or she had a boyfriend or whatever.

Every once in a while, maybe every few weeks, she’ll comment on something I post to Instagram. A few weeks ago I posted some photos of painted violins at different locations of some city we were in, I forget which, and she made some cute comments with heart emojis. I may have posted them hoping she’d like them. I may have posted a lot of things hoping she’d like them, and a lot of them she did. I pretty much stalk her on Instagram, though, but I think I’ve commented only a couple of times. There was a picture of her and Elsa from when they were kids she just discovered when she was going through some things. It had a crease in the middle and was a little fuzzy. But she had cute chubby freckled cheeks. And then another, a photo of her playing at a St. Patrick’s Day party at Oaken’s. She was wearing a tiny leprechaun hat.

And I did write a song about her. Actually, three songs. I wrote three songs about her. Well, three and a half. The fourth one's still in progress. “Open Up the Gates” is about meeting a woman that instantly knows you, that no matter what you do you can’t hide, but it’s also a double entendre, so most people probably won’t get the real meaning behind it. And “Autumn Breeze” is about a couple that only sees each other every once in a while and how everything changes but their love stays the same. That one was actually a real team effort with HM because it was about both of us. We’re gonna sing it as a duet for the album because it’s really special to both of us. And my favorite, because I worked in some bits of Whiskey in the Jar, is “I’ll Know What to Say and Do.” It’s a love song, but it’s also about two lovers who constantly make fools of themselves and it doesn’t matter because they love each other for who they are. I actually have a couple of verses that I didn’t share with HM because they’re too personal. Maybe one day I’ll get the chance to sing them for Anna. Actually, I am working on a fourth song, but it’s just noodling around at this point. I’m not even ready to show it to HM yet. She got here right in the middle of "I'll Know What to Say and Do". That's the only one that's ready to perform. She didn't seem to hate it. I wonder if she knows it's about her. And HM also wrote a song about Elsa called “I love your gloves”, also not ready for the stage. It’s sort of like a cutesy love story about a woman who loves a woman that always wears gloves, and then at the end of the song the woman with the gloves gives one of them to the other woman. That’s probably going to be our first single on the next record we’ve been writing for. We’ll sit down and record when we’re done with this last set of tour dates. Another 8 months to go. We’ve got a couple more new ones we’re working on, and by 8 months, we’ll have more than an album’s worth.

Anna is exactly as I remember her. She hasn’t aged a day, while me, on the other hand, I think I gained five pounds, all around the middle, mostly from all the whiskey co*kes I drank trying not to remember her. I tried to drink them neat, but I couldn't drink enough like that to get to the level of inebriation I needed. I’ve been a wreck. I really have.

Sven hasn’t been messing with me as much lately, but I have noticed him messing with Olaf more. Poor Olaf is spending more and more time in the bathroom, taking care of business. He does this sort of high pitched squeak when he’s done, so we all know how often he goes at it. Sven always finds a way to be near the bathroom when Olaf goes in there. He still has no idea Olaf’s hard-on is for him, and he doesn’t even realize how much he likes it. I always just shake my head and put on my headphones, give those two dorks some privacy so they can do their very bizarre and elaborate mating dance in peace.

But Anna... I feel like I won the lottery. Again. We can barely keep our hands to ourselves, and like last time the driver can't shut up. I have no idea what he's saying, and Anna's talking to him, but I have no idea what she's saying. All I can think about it what I'm going to do to her when we get to her room. My mouth is watering at the thought. I keep trying to touch her, but that stupid skirt is getting in the way. Everything I want to touch is covered. It really does look amazing on her, but I really do miss that skirt she was wearing last time. In a way, though, the anticipation of taking this one off of her and seeing what's underneath is thrilling in itself. Her ass looks really good in it and it really brings out her curves. I'd rather touch her curves, though, than look at them. They're covered by her skin, which feels like satin, and I can't wait to touch that. I've missed it so much. It's hard to believe how emotionally attached I became to this woman in a short 48 hours. I've never counted, but I've been with probably somewhere around 200 women, and there's only three that stand out as special. Erin, my 11th grade girlfriend that I lost my virginity to, Lyndsay, and Anna. That's it. I don't remember any other names or even faces or any other kind of identifying feature. And I'm sure all they saw of me was the guitarist playing in the band that's opening for Arendelle Army or People of the Sun.

Anna is special, though, she was special since the first time I saw her. And I'm gonna let her know how special she is. I pull away from her first, though.

"What? Kris? What's wrong?"

"I just need a glass of water. You want one?"

"Not fair!"

Did that just happen? She just tried to jump on top of me and fell to the ground.

"Ugggghhhhh stupid skirt!" She literally bounced off of my leg because her skirt is that tight.

Don’t laugh. This is not a good time to laugh.

"Are you ok?" I can’t help it. But she laughs, too.

"I hate this stupid skirt, Kris! Just f*cking cut it off of me!" I reach for the zipper.

"No, Kris. The scissors. They're in the drawer."

She really wants me to cut it off?

"Now, Kris! Come on!"

Wow, she really hates that skirt. Ok, if that's what she wants... The scissors aren't sharp enough to cut into the fabric... f*ck! This is like... In my wildest imagination I never could have pictured this scenario. I'll be damned if these scissors cause this not to happen. Ok, small notches, a little at a time...

"Come on, Kris! Faster! How hard is it!?"

"Oh, it's hard, I'll have you know." I hold her hand to me so she knows exactly what she’s doing to me.

There's her sweet smile, for just a second, and then she's back to giving me orders. Halfway up I start ripping instead of cutting and she screams a little. I can't rip the band, though, since the fabric is doubled up, so she says not to worry about it. I run the scissors over her fishnets, and I really want to rip them off of her. So much more than the skirt.

"Do it, Kris."

"Really?"

"Kris!"

I let the scissors cut just a small notch, and I feel the weight of the fibers resist the pressure of the metal. The sharp snap of the scissors closing sends a shiver down my neck, and it means I put them down as fast as I can and rip. I run my palms underneath her thighs, and linger behind her knees, then work them up to... Oh, I need to get her to her bed now. We can't do this in the living room. She complains, but she'll thank me later when Elsa doesn't find me neck deep in her little sister, which is where I intend to be. As soon as I lay her down on the bed I take off my shirt. She gasps, and I can't believe I forgot how good she made me feel about myself last time. She reaches up for me, but that's not what's about to happen. I stroke her inner thighs some more and she squirms

I'm so glad she didn't shave this part of her legs again. I really like how it feels against my hands. It's so sexy. I nuzzle my face along her thighs, then I leave kisses like breadcrumbs all over. I tease her by poking my tongue under her underwear, which were not My Little Pony boy shorts this time. Tonight she's wearing a very sexy and very sheer black lace thong, probably knowing she'd take someone home with her tonight. It is hot, I won't lie about that, but I do miss the boy shorts. I also appreciate how she put so much effort into wearing sexy underwear but she didn't take the time to shave above the knee for me. It's sort of hilarious, and it's so uniquely Anna, and I love it.

"Uggghhh, I knew I should've shaved! I'm sorry, Kris."

"Don't be. I like it."

"Huh? What? Ooohhh." That's the sound I want to hear. "Ok," she barely squeaks out. I like that one, too. I guess that means I'm doing this right. I've only ever done this to one other woman, and it was more than 20 years ago. And she didn't like it. And I haven't really ever liked anyone enough to want to do this since then. Well, Anna is special. Looking back on it, she's so much more special than Lyndsay. And Lyndsay only ever made me feel bad about myself. But the sounds Anna's making right now, she's making me feel like I'm some sort of sex god, and it's turning me on so much. Especially since I really have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just going based on her reactions. And I'm alternating between having my hands on the backs of her knees and on her hips. With her hips I can get more resistance. Wow, she really likes this. The noises she makes during sex are so real and gutteral, it's not the fake moans and breathy screams you hear in p*rn and all those girls that line up to f*ck guitars. She can't hold them in and it's so much more flattering.

And now a litany of compliments coming out of her mouth tells me to keep doing what I'm doing because she so... she's got her silky vines wrapped tightly around my head. I sort of love it here, except that I do need to breath. I can hold my breath for a few seconds. Finally I push her knees apart and she's got her hands over her eyes.

"Anna, are you ok?"

"Yes," she nods. "It's just. No one's ever done that to me before, and I just feel like it's too much, you know?"

"Oh," knives to the heart. "I thought you liked it. I would have stopped if I knew you didn't."

"I loved it, actually. It felt so good, Kris. Like every second of it."

Whew. "Good. That's what I was going for. I kind of loved it, too."

"Really? It doesn't seem like it would be very pleasant."

"Well, it was. I loved every second of it, too. I promise. It's not really any of my business, and you don't have to answer, but your husband really never did that to you?"

"No. If it's not too personal, did you do that to your wife?"

"She didn't really like it."

"What? How could she not like that?"

"She said it was like aliens feeling around inside her."

"Hmmm. Those aliens can search my vessel and abduct me whenever they want."

How does she always know what to say to make me feel good about myself?

I lie down next to her to cradle her into my arms. My dick is basically on fire for her. But showing her how much I care about her is so much more important. But that turns into her basically chewing my lip off and then scraping off my pants. I want her to take my pants off, but I really want her to keep wearing what she's got on. Her underwear's trapped at her ankles, and she can only separate her feet by so much, and she pulls me in so deep. I'm going in and out of consciousness, and she has total control of my body... and gods, I love it. I love this, I love...

"Anna? Come here." I just need to kiss her. I'm sweaty and shaky. I am... I'm totally f*cked is what I am. Look at her. I'm never going to get this image out of my mind. And I don't want to. I'm so f*cked.

"I guess this was pretty silly. I didn't really like this skirt, though. I only wore it because I didn't want to wear dress pants when I saw you. And I had to wear something on stage that I could wear to the club so I didn't have to waste time changing. Because I wanted to spend as much time with you as I could."

"You definitely looked really hot and I noticed when you walked in right away. And, um, I really, really, really, really, I can't stress this enough, really liked ripping your clothes off of you."

"I liked it, too."

"And I like the underwear. Very sexy."

"I had to make up for last time."

"No, you didn't. But, speaking of, where did you put my guitar pick?"

"Oh, you want it back?"

"No. Don't tell me. I'll find it as soon as my strength comes back. Have you seen it? A sexy red-headed succubus stole it. And I want it back because I am definitely not done with you tonight."

Of course she curls up on my arm like last time and falls asleep in seconds. This is better than more sex. This is definitely better.

*****

~ Anna ~

Curtain call's in three hours. That means I need to get moving. I have to shower, get dressed. But I can't do any of those things. Because the pillow still smells like Kris and he's all over my body. And if I leave I'll have to wash him off and his scent will be gone from my bed in a few hours. It's bad enough I had to say goodbye to him, again. I just want to hold on to him a little longer, as long as I can.

I don't know why I told him I didn't want something more serious. Probably because of my f*cking ex. He ruins everything. If Kris and I aren't together, it'll mean waking up without him being next to me will be a lot easier. If we were together, we talked all the time, sent texts and dirty pics, and cute selfies, waking up alone would hurt a lot more. Because I'd go to sleep every night thinking about him and then it would seem like a lie.

And my feelings are too strong, especially since we've really only known each other for 36 hours. Hans and I got married way too soon, and I don't want to make that mistake again. I can't waste another 10 years of my life in an unhappy marriage, or trapped in a long distance relationship that might not work out because we can't actually be together at the end of it. Kris is in his 40s, but he can probably keep touring for another 20 years. And it's all he knows. It's his whole life. I can't ask him to give that up for me. He'd be unhappy and he'd resent me for it. So it's better to just see each other when we can and enjoy it while it lasts.

It broke my heart to walk away from him, again. And who knows, maybe we'll see each other sooner rather than later.

*****

~ Kris ~

“So… what was it like? With Anna?”

He can’t seriously think I’m going to give him details.

“Not the sex, just you know, being with her. After being away for so long?”

“It was like no time had passed at all.”

“Does she know you Instagram stalk her?”

“What? I do not.”

“Sure, Kris. Whatevs. And you don’t post things specifically she’ll like so she sees them?”

“I really don’t like you right now.”

“Seriously, though. Have you thought about putting more of an effort into it? Like actually talking to her every once in a while?”

He’s pulling at the stitches barely holding an open wound closed.

“We talked. And we still want to keep it casual. Just when I’m in town.”

“Is that what you want?”

What I want is to be with her every second of the day. But we can’t always get what we want.

“It doesn’t matter. Cause that’s how it is. It’s how it has to be.”

“But HM has a long distance thing with Elsa. You could…”

“No, I can’t. I’ve done that. And I can’t do it again.”

“That was 20 years ago, though. It’s time to let it go, man.”

“Look, if Anna asks me to stay, I’ll probably stay. And I’m not ready for that.”

“Come on, K-”

"Enough." I go to my bunk so I can sleep all the way to the next town. It was Anna's idea to go our separate ways. Both times. Both times I told her I wanted more and both times she said no. This is the real reason I don't make more of an effort. It's because I've already let my guard down more than I meant to, more than I wanted to. If I put myself out there anymore than I already have and she still says no, I'm going to fall apart. She knows how I feel, so it's up to her to let me know if she changes her mind. I'm not going to change mine.

Chapter 7: Stuck in the Middle

Chapter Text

~ Elsa ~

Oh my god, what did I just do?

Ok, don’t panic. It’s just a dream. Wait… where is she?

Right. She went back on tour yesterday. Ok. Everything’s fine. Just a bad dream. Back to sleep.

But what if she isn’t fine?

She literally just texted a few hours ago. Ok. Right. This is stupid.

I could text her. She’s probably asleep. Asleep and fine. She does this really cute thing when she sleeps. Her butt is never under the covers. Doesn’t matter how much or little she’s wearing, it’s always sticking out. It’s so cute…

What if I killed Anna and don’t remember it? Ok, this I can check on. Ok, she’s fast asleep. She’s fine.

Ok, Elsa, this is just your OCD. “f*ck you, OCD! Leave me alone!”

I can do this. Walk into the kitchen and hold a knife. I can do it.

Ok, holding the knife. Nothing is happening. Because I’m not going to kill Anna in her sleep and then forget about it. Ok, putting it back.

Why am I back here again? What happened?

Oh! It was the scissors on the floor that Honeymaren tripped over. I don’t even want to know why Anna and Kris left the scissors on the floor. The point is that no one got hurt, and no one meant for anyone to get hurt. And the scissors are back in the drawer where they belong. And it’s just my OCD being such a thorn in my paw. Anna would be so proud of me. I’m just gonna check on her one more time, though. Ok, she’s fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. Maybe, just to make myself feel better, I’ll sleep in my gloves. Just for tonight.

*****

~ Kris ~

What is that? It’s like a truck rolled over me. And that thud?

My eyes are glued shut, but I’m prying them open as fast as I can.

“Anna? That you?”

“Oh, sorry! I have to go to the bathroom. And um, I forgot that my legs are tied together.”

Is she always like this? I hope so. I’m still half asleep, and that’s a good thing, because I’m too tired to laugh. Because I would be on the floor next to her.

“Oh, sh*t, that did happen. I was gonna do something about that but I guess I fell asleep first.”

“I’m just happy you’re still here.”

After everything we just did, her head laying on my chest is what gives me butterflies. I’m trying to remember this moment, the smell of her messy hair, the weight of her head against me, and the warmth of her unexpectedly strong arms squeezing me as though she was afraid I wouldn’t be there anymore if she let go. I’ve never felt so loved before.

“Oh, right! I have to pee!”

She falls over again trying to get her feet out of the tights while her underwear is still around her ankles.

I’m more awake now, so laughing more. But I get on the floor to help her. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah!” She laughs, too. She really has such a good humor. Most people wouldn’t find it funny if this happened to them, but Anna does.

“You know, one of these days, my klutziness is going to rub off on you, and I really hope I’ll be standing there laughing with you."

“I’d love that, actually.” She laughs because she thinks I’m being sarcastic. I’m not, though.

I can’t sleep. It’s pointless. I wonder if Anna posted something new to Instagram.

Oh, that’s a cute puppy she met while she was walking. Ok, I’m gonna like it. No, never mind. I’ll go outside and work on that song some more. My dream gave me some ideas for new lyrics.

*****

~ Anna ~

I’m not sure why but that puppy reminds me of Kris. I’ll post it. Maybe he’ll comment on it or like it. He posts all the time and I try to comment and like at least every once in a while. Maybe he stopped following me… Nope he’s still following me. Which means it’s on his feed. But it’s only been a couple of days. He’s probably really busy. He told me he and HM have been writing new songs like crazy. Of course Elsa gives HM so much inspiration, I’m sure. They talk almost every night, and text all through the day. Ok, maybe Kris isn’t too busy. Maybe he just doesn’t care.

When did I turn into that girl?

Oh, a message. It’s probably Tanya writing me back about that recording session she booked me for.

Holy sh*t.

K: Hey, Anna. Hope all is well. We have a Winter Holiday show in North Mountain coming up in a month or so, and HM thought it would be cool if you played a few of the classics with us. You in?

Holy sh*t.

A: Yeah! Sounds fun! What’s the date though? I need to make sure it doesn’t overlap with any orchestra concerts.

K: December 2 - 5. It’s actually 3 shows.

A: That’s actually perfect timing. We’re on hiatus from Harvest Festival to the second week of December.

K: Awesome. If you want… you could come up early to rehearse and stuff. We're having Harvest Fest at HM's and she said you could come if you want.

How early does he mean? Like could we spend a whole week together? Wait, is this just professional, or does he mean more like when we saw each other before? Gah, I don’t want to ask, but I also want to know… If he doesn’t want to be with me then I need to be prepared for that. Otherwise I’ll get all worked up.

A: So, since it’ll be out of town, where should I stay?

Wow, that’s a long 15 minutes when we’ve literally been answering each other within seconds.

K: HM has a spare room in her house you can use.

Oh.

A: Where are you staying?

K: HM’s house.

f*ck, he’s not giving me anything.

A: Where are you sleeping?

My heart is pounding…

K: Wherever you want me to sleep. Where do you want me to sleep?

I would be relieved if I weren’t on fire.

A: I guess I could find room in my bed for you…

K: Well, I mean, only if it’s not an imposition…

A: I just have one condition, actually.

K: Done. Whatever you want if it means I can be in your bed. Just curious, what did I just agree to?

A: You have to promise to be there when I wake up. Every morning.

K: What if I have to go to the bathroom or if you sleep so late that I’m hungry or whatever? I just need to know the rules?

A: Seriously! You’re making this so hard. Yes, bathroom and kitchen are ok. Just you know, in the house at least.

K: I can assure you that you’re the one making this hard. Really hard.

2 seconds later...

Anna (on the phone): Hey, Jeremy, it’s Anna. I’m really sorry but I’m gonna have to cancel on Thursday. You’re a really great guy and I had a lot of fun with you, but I decided to get back together with my ex. I hope you find what you’re looking for.

Ok, it’s kinda douchey to break up over voicemail, especially for a conversation like this, but it’s better than continuing this conversation while I’m sort of dating someone. It wasn’t exclusive or anything, but it seemed like it was heading that way. I’d never let it get there because I would have had to break up with him whenever Kris came back anyway. I know that’s kind of sh*tty, but I never promised Jeremy anything and I told him I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I think he thought I might change my mind eventually. It’s just better this way for both of us.

15 seconds later...

A: Well... you being hard makes me wet...

K: I miss the feel of your wetness beneath my finger

Gah... I'm gonna just die. How can he do this to me from behind a keyboard???

Is this what it would be like to be in a long distance relationship with Kris? Maybe I should reconsider…

Only one month before I meet him in North Mountain. That means a holiday together and two whole blissful weeks with Kris, waking up with him every morning. Kris and I will be together together for two whole weeks.

*****

~ HM ~

“Hey, HM! What’s goin on, girl?”

“Hey, Ry-Ry, you know, I did it like this, I did it like that, I did it with a…”

“Whiffle ball bat! What?”

Everyone looks at him funny but he shrugs it off. I miss his laugh so much, though. It’s such a relief to know he still can. After everything.

“Hey, dude, you hangin in there?”

“Yeah, not too bad. I finished with school, just been lifting weights a lot. Kinda bored. Oooohh!! But I have a hearing for early release next week. My caseworker says I have a really good chance. I could be out in time for Harvest Fest!”

“What? That’s awesome!”

Damn it, no touching!! One of the things I miss most about Ryder is his hugs. He gives the best hugs in the world.

“So… how’s the band going?”

“Really well. Kris and I have a bunch of new songs and we’ll be done touring in a few months. So that means recording! I’m so psyched.”

“And what news of the lovely Elsa????”

“You’re such a dork!”

“Hubba hubba!”

“Come on, dude. She’s great, though. I can’t wait for you to meet her. You’re gonna love her and she’s gonna love you. And she has this really cool sister, Anna. She and Kris sort of have a will they/won’t they thing going on.”

“Ooooh! Der-rama!”

“He’s sort of like a lovesick puppy when she’s not around. It's a little pathetic, to be honest. But he’s been writing some killer songs.”

“Good for him, though. He deserves some happiness.”

“He’s happy when she’s around, anyway.”

“So here’s the plan. Ok? I get out by Harvest Fest. You invite Elsa, Anna, and the rest of your crew, and it’ll be like a big old Nattura family hoe down, y’all! What do you say?”

“That sounds amazing, Ry. Let’s do it! You just be on your best behavior and let me know the second you plan to get out so I can be there for you. Like the second.”

“Deal. Oh. And can you mash potatoes, Sis?”

“I can mash potatoes. Can you do the twist?”

“I an do the twist. But I don't want no grits.”

“Got it! I love you, kid.”

“Love you more, Mare.”

What a wonderful idea, though. All the people I love under one roof. It’s almost too much happiness. Please no one pick a fight with him. Please. I need my little brother back.

*****

HM to Kris: So... Ry's getting out! Harvest Fest at my place

Kris to HM: That's awesome! Yes, I'll be there.

Kris to HM: So, I was thinking it would be cool if Anna could play with us for those Winter Holiday gigs. You know all those folk songs sound great on violin

HM: lol you're so obvious. You're not wrong, though. It's a good idea. Ask

Kris: I don't know what you're talking about

HM: Invite her to stay with me, too. She can come to Harvest Fest, even if she can't do the shows

Kris: I don't know... it's your house, your party. Shouldn't you invite her

HM: Stop being such a manchild and ask your girlfriend to stay over

Kris: A what now?

HM: Just do it

*****

Elsa to HM: Morning Honey

HM: Morning Dewdrop

Elsa: It is now :)

HM: So my brother's getting out in a month and I'm gonna have Harvest Fest at my house. Do you want to come?

Elsa: Yes! I would love to! And I can't wait to meet your brother

HM: Me, too

Elsa: <3<3<3<3<3

HM: :*

*****

Kris to Anna: [selfie from first thing in the morning, eyes not open yet]

Kris: Good morning

Anna: It is now! You're so cute and sleepy!

Kris: A polite person would reciprocate...

Anna: [selfie with horribly messy hair]

Kris: I promised you I'd be there when you woke up, didn't I?

Chapter 8: Escape to North Mountain

Chapter Text

~ Anna ~

It’s so nice of Matt to drive us. It’s a three hour trip by car, and neither Elsa nor I drive. I’ve never really felt the need to drive, personally. I get around by walking and bus just fine, and then when I have to be somewhere in a hurry or it’s late, there's Uber. A teensy part of it might have something to do with our parents’ accident, though, if I’m honest. Only a small part, though.

Matt is actually a jazz bassist but he plays the bodhran at the session. Like me, he likes to play something a little different from time to time. Anyway, his ex-wife and kids live in North Mountain and he was coming up to spend the holiday with them. Apparently he and his ex are still on good terms and they’re friends. And they have kids together, so that’s really nice. But I think he’s still in love with her. I hope they can work it out and get back together. Matt really misses her.

“This the place?”

“Yeah. That’s the right address. Oh! There she is!”

Elsa’s so in love. Oh, and yeah, they both are.

“Sorry, Matt, they get like this when they see each other for the first time in a while.”

“I’m really not complaining. And, um, you know, good for them, right? Not everyone can have that. It’s special.”

I wonder if Kris and I have that. Obviously I didn’t with Hans, though I thought I did at the time.

“Oh, Anna! Hi!”

Apparently HM has enough love left over to share with me. I’m already starting to think of her as a sister. I’m already lucky enough to have one amazing sister, but two? That is the jackpot!

“Hi, I’m HM. You must be Mattias? Please come inside. We just made dinner. You’re welcome to join.”

He politely refused, but HM insisted. I told her he’d just be alone tonight if he didn’t hang out with us. He wasn’t supposed to be at his ex’s house until the next day.

Why does Sven always answer the door?

He’s about to say something smartass to Kris about me.

“You know, Sven, you’re a terrible butler, but you’d look so hot in a maid’s uniform. You should really consider switching professions.”

“Are you sure you’re here for Kris and not for me? Cause I like the way you think. I’m down with the maid’s uniform.”

“It’s good to see you again.”

I give him a side hug.

“His guitar’s in the living room. Just follow your ears.”

Why does he always think I’m so interested in Kris’ guitar?

His back is to me so he doesn’t see me come in. He's playing, but it also looks like he’s teaching another guy, who’s sitting in a chair across from him. That must be Ryder, HM’s brother. He looks just like her.

Ryder notices me, but Kris doesn’t. He’s looking down at his fingers as he demonstrates some finger positions. I put my finger up to my mouth to let Ryder know I’m sneaking up on Kris and not to give away the surprise.

I cannot believe he was in prison for two years. That’s the smile of an innocent boy, not a 30 year old man that just got out of prison. I can tell already that I’m gonna like my soon-to-be brother-in-law. Ok, that’s getting ahead of myself. But I really hope he will be one day.

I put my arms around Kris’ shoulders and before he even has a chance to see who I am I start kissing his neck, and then his cheek, and then his ear lobe.

“Would you excuse me a moment, Ryder? I have something on my neck I need to take care of.”

“By all means, brother. You do what you gotta do.”

Kris puts his guitar on the couch, not even worried that it slides down to almost reach the floor. Ryder is quick and catches it before it does. As he carries me to the bedroom he promises he’s gonna take care of me these two weeks, in every way he can, starting now. Given the context, he could mean he’s just going to have sex with me a lot. And I'd be ok with that. But I can tell there’s more to that promise.

“The question is… did you shave above the knee for me?”

“I don’t know… you’ll just have to see for yourself, won’t you?”

I didn’t. I was going to, but then I said “f*ck it”, I shaved there two weeks ago, it’s not that bad. It was a lot worse than it is now two weeks ago. But two weeks isn’t out of control. But then I remembered how he said he actually liked it when I didn’t. Could he be any more perfect? There was one time I shaved two days before seeing Jared or whatever his name was. It didn’t stop him, but I could tell he was a little grossed out. f*ck him and good riddance. Kris thinks I'm hot whether I shave or not.

It’s funny that our entire relationship, if you can even call it that, has been about sex. But he’s not looking at me like something he gets to f*ck every day for the next two weeks. He looks at me with such tenderness, like he’d be just as happy if we didn’t have sex at all, like as long as he’s near me he’d be happy. I wonder if that’s actually true or if it's wishful thinking.

*****

~ HM ~

Look how Ryder’s getting along with Elsa and Anna. I knew he and Anna would get along. Both of them are hard not to like. To be fair, though, I really haven’t gotten to know Anna at all. I sort of have blinders on when Elsa’s around. I’m gonna try to spend some time with her these two weeks, if I can tear her away from Kris, that is. I really care about Elsa a lot, and Anna’s important to her, so she’s important to me, too. Oh, there she is in the kitchen.

“Hey, HM, where are your glasses? I need to get some water.”

“Oh, right here.” She’s so short. Elsa’s not tall, but Anna’s minuscule. It’s so funny to see her next to Kris cause he’s pretty tall.

I get a glass and pour some water for her, too.

“This is a nice house, HM. It’s no tour bus, but for something not on wheels, it’s nice.”

“Thanks! It’s my cozy home away from home. Actually, it was my parents’.”

“Oh. Did they pass away? I’m so sorry.”

“Thanks. My dad’s actually still alive. Just he’ll be in prison for another 10 years or so. My mom passed away from cancer 6 years ago next month.”

“HM, I’m so sorry. That must be so hard for you.”

She’s so sweet. Like Elsa, but different.

“It’s ok. I miss my mom every day, but you move on. You know what that’s like.”

“Yeah, unfortunately.”

“And my dad’s been in prison most of my life anyway, almost all of Ryder’s, so it’s just like normal. Anyhwo. I wanted to ask you for a favor.”

We don’t need to talk about my dad and how he was sentenced to 35 years when it should have been 10. At least Ryder got to know him since he got sent to the same prison. I think prison would have been an entirely different situation for Ryder if not for my dad being there. He actually came out as Ryder. As mad as I am about my dad for getting into a situation that put him in prison in the first place, I’m glad he was there for Ryder’s sake. I’ll never forget everything he did for him those two years. And Ryder got to know him like he otherwise wouldn’t have. He’s not a bad guy, just a desperate guy that was trying to provide for his family, albeit in the dumbest way.

“A favor? Me? Sure. Of course. What is it?”

“I want to get a Winter Holiday gift for Elsa. But I’m not sure what to get her. The only thing I can think of is a new pair of gloves.”

“No! Do not get her gloves. That’s the worst gift you can get for her.”

“Oh, ok. I’m glad I asked. Why exactly? She wears them all the time.”

“Just. I don’t know. She likes to pick them out herself.”

Ok, that’s a lie. Anna definitely got her a pair of gloves for her birthday. She told me all about that and how much it meant to her that she was wearing them, like they were lucky or something. What’s the deal with the gloves? I’m beginning to think it’s not just a fashion accessory or a kink… I’ll just have to ask Elsa about it.

“Maybe we can go shopping together one day?”

“Yeah! That’s a great idea. Maybe you can help me find something for Kris?”

“Excellent idea! There’s a cool music store close to here. Want to go tomorrow?”

“Yeah! I’m so glad you didn’t suggest a department store. I hate those places.”

“Me, too. This is gonna be fun.”

*****

~ Kris ~

Anna’s helping HM clean up in the kitchen. That’s sweet of her. I get the feeling she doesn’t really like cleaning up a lot. Maybe it’s her room, maybe it’s because she doesn’t really care about going the extra mile like wearing a bra or shaving past her knees. Personally, I love that about her. But I’m sure Elsa does most of the housework. I could be wrong. But either way, it’s sweet.

I’m noodling on some more pentatonic while I watch her. Can’t ever get enough. Pentatonic. Or Anna. Goes for both.

“What’s that you’re playing?”

“Oh, nothing. Just making some noise I guess.”

“That sounds good. Keep going.” Matt is getting his bass out. Cool. It’s been a really long time since I played any jazz. Maybe I can learn something from Matt.

“Yeah, man. Alright. That’s cool. How bout some 12 bar blues in D.”

“Comin right up!”

“Ooooh, what’s going on over here?” Anna’s excited by the music. She’s never heard me play anything other than punk and Irish music. Well, for the most part anyway.

“Hey, Anna, go get your fiddle. Get in here.” Maybe she’s played with Matt before.

Damn, this feels good. Now Elsa’s at the piano, and HM’s on the bench next to her. Olaf’s beating his sticks against the table. He’s done that a lot of times before. HM hates that table. She’s actually mentioned that she hoped Olaf would break it one of these days.

“Put some back into it, Olaf!” See?

Sven picks up a shaker that MH has lying around, and she picks one up, too. She likes to have them all over the place in case she just needs some rhythm if she’s writing in her head.

Everyone else eventually peels away to do other things. HM, Elsa, Olaf, and Anna go to the grocery store to stock up for Harvest Day dinner, Ryder takes a shower, and Sven takes a nap.

Matt and I keep going, though.

“You know, you remind me of Vance Bird?"

Wow, haven’t heard that name in a while.

“Yeah, you remind me of Vance. He’s your pops, right?”

“He was.”

“Yeah, I was real sorry to hear about his death. We played together all the time. One of the best trumpeters I ever played with. I considered him a friend. ”

He died? When did that happen? How did I not know. Oh. Right.

“He stopped being my father a long time ago.”

“Well, he, uh, he followed your career, you know, with the Reindeer Herders. He was real proud.”

I can’t help but snort. “He had a funny way of showing it.”

“He wasn’t a perfect man, by any means. He had his demons, more than most, but he felt like running away from you and your mom was the best thing he could do for you.”

His words sting. And they sink deep. And I feel like I’m gonna be sick.

Next thing I know, I’m in the bedroom and Anna’s rubbing circles on my back and kissing my neck some more. Not in a suggestive way, in a worried, caring way. I wish I could appreciate this side of her more, but I’m just not in the right frame of mind for it.

“What’s wrong?” She rolls me over so I have to face her, and then her silky vines embrace me in a way that never felt so caring before.

“Matt knew my father. And he was just telling me about him. And he told me things I didn’t know.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“You wouldn’t mind?”

“Of course not!” She’s a little upset that I even asked that. Maybe she cares more about me than I realized. I can’t help but laugh a little.

“Well, I guess you’re feeling better. Maybe I’ll go see what Olaf is up to…”

“No! I need you here with me.” I tickle her just a little and her sweet and very unladylike cackles vibrate against my rib cage.

“So…?”

“My dad ran away when I was five. My mom remarried pretty soon after that, and it was better for both of us. My dad was an alcoholic and he was always yelling at my mom and falling asleep in places that weren’t home. Friends’ couches, other women’s beds, park benches. Who even knows. Anyway, he left one night and never looked back. And I always felt like my step-father was more of a dad than my dad was.”

“Oh, Kris.”

“Anyway, so my dad was a jazz musician. And Matt knew him, he’s played with him.”

Please don’t ask his name… She probably even has one of his records. I’ll have to explain why he changed his name and it’ll just be a whole thing. That’s for another time.

“So, what set you off to make you so upset? Just that he brought him up?”

“No. He told me how proud he was of me, that he bought all my albums, stuff like that.”

“And that bothers you?”

“No, not exactly. It’s that he said he passed away a few years ago.”

“Oh, Kris.” She has tears in her eyes for me, and my sadness. I don’t even have tears. She’s crying for me so I don’t have to. Because I know I should, I even want to, but I can’t.

I’m just gonna say it. Not out loud. Not to her. To myself. I’ve felt this way for a while, but never wanted to admit it to myself. I’m in love with this woman. I always thought I loved Lyndsay, but now I’m not really sure that I did. Because I’m sure that what I feel for Anna is love, and it’s so much more powerful.

“It’s ok. It’s fine. It’s just that if he had just died, that would be one thing. But he bought all of our albums and told people that I was his son and he was proud. It’s just a little hard to swallow.”

“Hard to swallow, you say?”

I wipe her tears away, curious where she’s going with this. Her sudden shift in tone has completely distracted me from that weird feeling I don’t even know how to describe but had almost ruined my day, would have, if not for Anna and the tears she shed for me.

“Hard. Very hard.”

“Hmmm. I like a challenge.”

I’m so glad I took care of things this morning. I completely forgot. I’m not one of those guys that, you know, does that stuff every day. I just do it when it starts to bother me.

As soon as I got out of the shower, Sven said something about it. Not in a gross or weird way, just, “so, are you excited to see Anna today?”

He didn’t hear the buzzing sound he should have, and he knows me well enough to know how lazy I am. He’s a good friend and he’s always looking out for me. But sometimes I really don’t like him. And this thing with him standing outside of bathrooms is weird. I used to think he was just doing it to Olaf. Then I noticed he did it to HM. I guess he does it to me, too. One day I’m gonna say something to him about it, but for now, I’m grateful, and I’m sure Anna is, too.

She puts her mouth on me and it feels f*cking fantastic, but then she stops and says, “I don’t really know what I’m doing, so could you, you know, like let me know what you like and what you don’t?”

“Oh, you definitely know what you're doing. And I’m pretty sure there’s no way you can mess up unless you use your teeth. But you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, or if you don’t like it.”

“No, Kris, I want to. I want to make you feel good.”

“Well, you’re doing a f*cking fantastic job. You always make me feel good, not just, you know, physically, but like, as a man. You make me feel like everything I do and say is perfect and exactly what you want. And it feels so good that you think that highly of me.”

“It’s not just something I say, Kris. It’s how I feel about you.”

Now she’s back to making me feel good again. Physically and otherwise.

If she thinks I’m so perfect, then why doesn’t she want to be my girlfriend? We’re gonna have to deal with this eventually. Maybe not while we’re at North Mountain. I don’t want to ruin this time with her for anything. Two weeks of her being my girlfriend is better than no weeks of her being my girlfriend.

It felt like she was my girlfriend ever since that night I DM’d her. She said she didn’t want to wake up alone, so every morning I texted her a selfie, and that seemed to make her happy. I think? That’s the best I could do when I wasn’t actually there. I honestly wish I could have been there. But my job is on the road. It’s all I know how to do. I don’t know if I could give that up for her. Not yet, anyway.

*****

~ Elsa ~

What are Kris and Ryder whispering about? They look so cute and serious.

Look at them, scratching their heads and trying to come up with a story.

“Nothing, um…”

Ryder hits Kris in the gut. “If there’s anyone you want to ask about this, it’s Elsa.”

“Ask me what?”

“About Anna.” He says it sort of loud in frustration, then he lowers his voice to continue. “I want to get Anna a present for Winter Holiday, but I don’t know what to get her. Do you have any ideas?”

“Hmmm. Oh! I do have an idea, actually…. But I’m not really sure I’m equipped to give you any advice.”

“What is it?”

“She was really frustrated that she didn’t have anything to wear for the Winter Holiday shows she’s playing with you. She hates shopping and she put it off and said she’d just wear whatever, but then wished she had… and I saw what she brought, and, honestly, I don’t want to see you get picked up on statutory rape charges.”

“What!?!?” His laugh kind of reminds me of my dad’s. It’s so full and filled with good joviality. I can tell he really likes to laugh, and he does it often. Ryder’s actually doubled over!

I giggle, too. “So, yeah. She needs a dress.”

“Ok, I really don’t know anything about that kind of thing. Are you sure? Seems like a weird gift to get from a b- guy she’s sleeping with.”

“Oh, dude, that’d be so baller! To give a girl a fancy dress? That’s so cool.” Now Ryder’s involved.

“Yeah, the more I think about it, the more perfect it is.” He’s so uncomfortable in an adorable way. He really likes Anna.

“Ok, but really…”

I’m not really into fashion, but I’ve learned a lot about it from Anna over the last year. And Honeymaren. She’s otherworldly, Xena the Warrior Princess hot. And she always looks so put together, even if she’s just wearing a baggy t-shirt. I guess it’s more about how she wears it. But Anna doesn’t have that talent. Honeymaren would look hot like a stripper in Anna’s pink plaid skirt, but Anna looks like she’s 12. Next to the crow's feet at Kris’ temples and the white patches in his scraggly facial hair? I can’t in good conscience let that happen.

“Hey, Sven!” We say it together and laugh some more.

“You rang???” He almost sounds like Lurch.

“We need your expert advice,” I say.

“Moi? I’m listening.”

“I want to get Anna a dress. But-”

“Say no more, mon ami! Sven is here to save the day!”

“Oh, good grief.”

I clap my hands together and jump up and down a little. This is who I am now, a person that is so light she jumps. I like this side of myself.

“To the thrift store we go! Oh, yeah!” Sven looks like he's been waiting a long time to say those words.

I'm nervous, but I'm also so excited to spend the day with Kris, Sven, and Ryder. I just hope I can keep my OCD under control.

*****

~ HM ~

"Hey, guys! Listen up!" Olaf says.

"Shhh!"

"SHHHHH!" says Sven.

I roll my eyes and Olaf continues. "So, since we're here for Harvest Fest, but we won't all be together for Winter Holiday, I thought it would be so much fun if we did a Secret Marshmallow gift exchange! What d'ya say, guys? Guys? Guys?"

"Ooh, that sounds so fun!" says Ryder.

"Yeah, that's a great idea," I add. Because it is. If for no other reason, then to make the holidays special for Ryder. I want it to be perfect for him.

"Cool. Yeah, so anyway, I've written everyone's names on a slip of paper in my hat here. We'll just go around the room picking names.

Great. Kris. How am I supposed to help Anna get something for him when I need to get something for him. I'm just gonna let her have my best ideas. That's more important. Anna first. Especially since she's helping me with Elsa. It's only fair. After that, then I'll figure it out.

Look at this little family of ours. It's changed so much over the past 20 years. Now it's the band plus Ryder, and Elsa and Anna. We lost my mom along the way, and there's been several bassists and drummers come and go, but this is by far my favorite band lineup. I have four little brothers now, and maybe a little sister of sorts. Well, Kris is older than me, but he's still my little brother. He hasn't quite reached adulthood despite his advanced age. And I have a beautiful girlfriend that I can see myself with for a long time. I just have a good feeling about her, and everyone else in the room. It just feels right.

Chapter 9: Shopping, Sno Cones, and Burgers with Friends

Chapter Text

~ Anna ~

I’m honestly a little nervous about going shopping with HM. She’s so cool and awesome. She’s really intimidating. But I’m excited, too, because of how much she means to Elsa and Kris, and I just want to get to know her better.

Oh, and Olaf’s coming! I really haven’t talked to him at all, but he’s so cute. Just a little chubby, and he looks like a little boy. He has white blond hair, kinda like Elsa’s, but whiter. His rosacea is really bad, but it suits him. He's just so cherubic! So does his long-ish pointed nose. His eyes are also blue like Elsa’s but brighter and warmer. Elsa’s are almost gray but Olaf’s are the color of a kiddie pool, and I can imagine him lying in one, pina colada in hand, heart-shaped sunglasses, and a foil sunbathing reflector fold. He also kind of waddles and just says the cutest things. But sometimes he says really dark, serious, and profound things. He comes across as being simple, but I suspect he's actually some sort of genius with a whole library of philosophy books on his phone that no one knows about. It’s impossible not to like him.

“So, Anna, do you have any ideas for Kris?”

“I don’t know… maybe a capo? For his acoustic guitar?”

“Oh, yeah. That’s a great idea. The whole pencil held on by a rubber band is so punk rock, but come on, dude. You’re a f*cking pro. Right? He’s only been playing guitar for 40 years, it’s about time he graduated to the real thing. He doesn’t have one for his electric either. Maybe one that can be used for both?”

“Ooooh! That’s perfect. I actually heard him complaining about that after he played with Matt. He felt a little embarrassed and said he was finally going to break down and buy one.” Olaf doesn’t seem to be a fan of the pencil capo either.

“That settles it!” I can’t believe how right I am on this. The thought of Kris being embarrassed makes my heart hurt a little. It's a horrible feeling. And I know Matt wasn’t judging him about that. I’ve known him about 5 years or so? And he’s probably the least judgemental person I know, besides Elsa, of course. I’ve sat in on a lot of recording sessions with jazz musicians, and they seem mellow but actually aren’t. Matt really is like that, though. And he’s one of my favorite musicians to play with. He doesn’t care how anyone gets a sound, he cares about what it sounds like, and Kris always sounds great, even though he always holds back and never actually plays as well as he can. Maybe I’ll catch him practicing and I can hear what he can really do. And maybe I’ll find out why he holds back. I know he’s cautious about letting me in anymore than he already has, because he wants more from me than what I can give him right now. And I want to give him more, he has no idea how badly I want that, but I just can’t. Not right now, anyway.

“What about for Elsa?” I ask, partly to get my mind off of Kris. Easier said than done... I haven’t ever stopped thinking about him since that night we first met almost a year ago. But it helps a little.

“I don’t know… what do composers use? I mean, keyboard and computer?”

“Well, yes, but sometimes Elsa likes to jot stuff down, you know, if she’s in the kitchen or in bed and gets an idea. So some staff paper would be good.”

“I don’t know, maybe. What do you think about a shaker? I noticed her messing around with a couple of mine. And they always help me when I’m writing songs.”

“Is this supposed to be a gift for her or punishment for me?” I wink so she knows I’m teasing, and she cracks a small smile to let me know she understands. “I actually think that would be a great gift. Actually it’s perfect.”

“We’re two for two!” says Olaf.

“And what about you, Olaf? Do you have someone special to get a gift for?”

Well, that’s a dramatic sigh. I’m almost sorry I asked. “It’s so complicated, Anna, you wouldn’t even believe.”

“Well, Olaf,” I hook my arm in his, “I’ve got time. Want to tell me about it?”

“Not in front of HM,” he whispers.

“Oh, ok. Later then. Wait… it’s not HM is it?”

“No. No offense, but I don’t like boobs. Or vagin*s. Or hips. Or… well, anything female. Just in general… ew. Gross. But, you know, no offense. It’s not Kris either, just FYI.”

I just want to put him in my pocket.

“But seriously, though, I would love to talk to someone about it because it’s eating me up inside. I can’t talk to anyone in the band about it. Can we just be melodramatic later and cry and eat chocolates as a way of making our feelings go away temporarily only to have them return later in a much more intense and way more on my hips way? Sigh. I’d love to have a girls night.”

“Let’s do it! Oh, maybe you can help me out, though? I got HM, what should I get her?"

"Let me think about it some... Oooooh!" He’s instantly distracted by the buckets of drumsticks in the corner and runs over. Ok, it’s official. Olaf is my new best friend.

HM already picked out a couple of shakers, but now she’s looking at the music notebooks. They have some really cute ones, so I guess she’s going to get both. I can just see Elsa standing at the kitchen counter, waiting for the kettle to boil, shaking her shaker, humming along, and stopping to write down a few bars. Yeah. And she'll love them even more because they came from HM.

Oooooh! I know what I’m getting Kris! Besides the capo. I’m still getting the capo, cause he really needs one. HM’s right. He’s a professional guitarist and he uses a pencil as a capo. It’s functional, but it can’t feel good to play with someone like Matt, who's recorded with all the great contemporary jazz musicians like Wynton Marsalis, Vance Bird, and Charles Parker, III, and and not have a real capo. Even though he’s not judging him. Kris doesn’t know Matt well enough to know that.

There’s bins and bins of guitar picks. And a machine where you can engrave them. I just have to figure out which one. He probably won’t want to play with it, so I don’t have to worry about the size or weight. I just have to get the right color. His are dark brown with the Reindeer Herders logo on one side (a big red dot with the words spelled out in gold to look like horns), and it’s embossed with his signature in gold on the other side. I already know what I’m gonna write. I try to do it on the sly so the other two don’t see. This one is just between me and Kris. I’m not going to give it to him in front of anyone.

*****

~ Kris ~

Holy sh*t, this is a lot of clothes. The store is stuffed. And there’s almost no order to it. Where the hell am I even supposed to start?

“Maybe the women’s section, to start?”

“Is that where you shop?” Sven’s really tall, and I’ve sort of always wondered where he finds his clothes.

“Sometimes. It’s not like most stores have a category for 6’ men who like to wear sequin dresses.”

That probably really sucks. He never acts like it bothers him, but it has to, at least a little. He’s so sure of himself, and really doesn’t seem to give a sh*t what anyone else thinks, but when you’re faced with the reality of prejudice like that, it has to sting, just a little. He wears men’s clothes just as much as he wears women's, though. Like right now, we almost look like twins. Plain t-shirts, jeans, and sneakers. His hair’s long on purpose, though, so he still feels a little feminine even when he’s not wearing a wig. Mine’s long-ish, not really long, just 3 or 4 haircuts overdue, because I’m too lazy to go and get it cut. I always wear plain t-shirts, never any band t-shirts or anything else. I guess I just don’t want people to know things about me just by looking at me. Except how the hell does Anna do it? It’s because she’s special, that’s why. Anyway, Sven’s wearing black jeans, too, and a plain white v-neck undershirt. Mine’s dark grey today, and it fits a lot looser than Sven’s.

“I’m sure they have a lot for someone like Anna, though.”

“Ok, but…”

“Dresses are over here!” says Ryder. He’s pretty excited about this, too, for some reason. Oh. That’s why. Look at all the cute girls over there. He’s not looking at dresses at all.

This is so f*cking overwhelming. Even if I pick something she hates, I really hope she at least appreciates the effort. That’s really more of a gift than the dress.

“She wears a small or medium, probably, so just look in this section.” Elsa, finally, something useful.

f*ck, it’s still overwhelming. It’s down to 3 racks for small. I look at a medium size dress and a small, and I really think Anna’s a small. She’s so short and tiny. Sometimes I worry I’m going to break her, but she’s surprisingly strong for someone her size. I didn’t expect that at all, but it definitely makes for better sex. I can’t imagine she’s been with more than 10 partners, probably not even 5. But sex with her is by far the best I’ve ever had. That’s an objective statement. It’s not even because I love her. It’s just because our bodies are so in sync. And when she lets me take the lead she follows so well, it’s like she can read my mind, and she seems to love it when I do. But then when she takes the lead, and I follow so I can give her what she wants, I feel just as good as she does. I can’t even explain it. Like people always say that you “become one” or whatever, and I never really understood that before Anna, but that’s really what it’s like with us. I honestly don’t know where she ends and I begin.

“What about this one?” It’s black, with orange and yellow flowers on it. It’s long, with buttons along the front. It’s ok. The orange kind of matches her hair, which is why I picked that one.

“No!” Well, that was unanimous.

“Ok, what about this one?”

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” says Sven. “It’s hideous to begin with, but hot pink? With her hair? Just no, in a thousand ways, no.”

“Yeah, I’m not quite sure Anna would like that one anyway,” says Elsa.

“You’re not even trying!” Ryder accuses.

“Ok. Sorry!” I guess I’m glad they’re there, but they’re also making me feel like sh*t for not knowing Anna better.

“Kris, it’s not such a huge decision. Just look at what’s there and think about what you think Anna would actually like. I know you didn’t really think she’d like either of those dresses. You know what she’d look good in, it’s probably the same as what you’d want to see her wear, within reason. Just trust yourself. You already know we won’t let you make a bad choice. But it has to be something you pick for her, not us. Because it’s a gift from you.”

Elsa is like a fairy godmother or something. She’s holding my hands and staring into my eyes. She sees through me like Anna does. Must be a sister thing. It does make me feel a little better, though. She believes in me.

I just run my hand along the hangers and see if anything stands out. There’s one that’s sort of meshy, and it’s like black and green, but also blue and gold. That’s interesting. And pretty. I can't look away. I pull it out, and it’s like a short black dress with the black and green layer on top of it. It’s connected to the black dress at the waist, and it kind of drapes around the front on top, but it’s really long, with that layer extending probably to the ankle past the short skirt, but the longer layer doesn’t connect in front, so you’d still see legs. It’s probably not as short as that skirt she wore that first night, but it’s still pretty short. At least, I think it is. I could definitely see Anna wearing this. And it would be hot. It would look so good on her. And she’s gonna love it. I’m so sure of it I don’t even need anyone else’s opinion. I don’t even show them. I just fold it over my arm.

Elsa looks like she’s going to get a dress, too, and Sven’s even found some stuff in the larger sizes. Now Elsa’s combing through the rack with Sven, and they’re bonding over sequins and rhinestones. Sven’s pointing out the gloves and they try some on. I can see that Sven’s disappointed that there aren’t any fancy ones in his size. I’ve heard him make comments on how much he likes Elsa’s gloves all the time. I wonder what the deal is with Elsa. Why does she always wear the gloves? It's a little weird. Whatever. None of my business.

Ryder’s got his eyes on some girls in the next aisle over. Poor guy, he’s only been out a couple of weeks, and hasn’t even talked to any girls yet, other than Elsa and Anna, and they don’t really count. Well, Elsa definitely doesn’t. And Anna’s taken. Well, she’s not actually, but she sure does make me feel like she is. When we're together, at least. It’s pretty obvious, though, that Ryder wants to talk to those girls, but he’s too shy for some reason. He’s not usually shy, but maybe just going so long without seeing any women at all makes this kind of a shock or something and he doesn’t know what to do.

“She’s cute.”

“Yeah. But so is she. And her. And her... They’re all cute!”

“sh*t, Ryder, you’re gonna have to just get it over with. You’ll drive yourself crazy otherwise.”

“Easier said than done, brother. It’s not as easy for us guys that aren’t rock stars, you know.” He winks, but it's still annoying.

“I’m not a rock star. Besides, you basically did nothing but lift weights for two years. You’re jacked as sh*t. You should be able to find one girl that will at least talk to you, if nothing else.”

“Whatever you say, Kris. And there’s more to me than just muscles. Jeez!”

He’s flattered as hell by that comment, and I really don’t mind boosting his ego. I don’t like seeing him like this, cowering in the women’s section.

“Oh, did you find a dress?”

“Yeah. They’re still looking, though.”

“Wait, what? You found a dress?” asks Sven. He appears out of nowhere.

“You have no faith in me, do you?”

“Well, let’s see!” Elsa’s poking her head around Sven. It’s such a cute scene.

All three of them have their hands to their cheeks and they aren’t making any noise.

I just shrug and head to the register. I know Anna’s gonna like it. I don’t even need their opinions, whatever they are.

“Kris, that’s so…” Sven tries.

“So…” then Ryder.

“It’s perfect,” says Elsa.

I was confident before, but hearing Elsa say that is such a relief. I guess I was worried that I didn’t know Anna as well as I thought. But it turns out I do.

“Ok, well, I’m gonna go check out. Meet you up front?”

“Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you’re not done, Romeo.”

sh*t, what now?

“You should wear something to match.”

“Yes, you definitely should,” Sven agrees.

“What? No, I don’t think so. I’ll probably just wear a black t-shirt and jeans.”

“But isn’t it like a dressier kind of show?” asks Ryder. Who’s side is he on, anyway?

“Yeah, but black is black. Right? It was good enough for Johnny Cash, so it’s good enough for me.”

“Here we go…” Sven rolls his eyes.

“Johnny Cash did not wear black t-shirts. He wore black suits and dress shirts.”

We’re all surprised that Elsa knows this.

“What?” she asks, demurely, “who doesn’t love the Man in Black? Come on, Kris. To the men’s section!” She’s literally pushing me across the store because I’m not walking fast enough for her, apparently.

Sven and Ryder stay behind, Sven looking for more clothes for himself and Ryder looking at all the girls in the section. All I can do is shake my head. He’s being a little weird and creepy, so I just hope they don’t ask the manager to make him go outside. Sven probably won’t let it get out of hand, though. sh*t. I hope I can at least buy this dress before anything goes down.

Elsa's dragging me by the elbow now. She flips through the rack, and pulls something out and sucks in an “Oh!”

“This is it.” She drags me to a mirror and holds the shirt in front of me. Ok, I don’t hate it, and it doesn’t look horrible on me. Then she holds the dress up next to it. It matches. Well, the green matches. The shirt doesn’t do that cool thing where it’s one color in this direction and another color in the other direction. That dress is really cool. And it was made for Anna. I can’t believe I pulled out those other two dresses at all and thought they would be good choices.

“Ok, just go try it on. In the dressing room. Go.” She’s so nice, but she’s bossier than I thought she’d be, but not quite as bossy as Anna. She must really like me if she wants to help me like this. And that feels unbelievably good, and it’s a relief, too. If Elsa hated me, I wouldn’t even stand a chance with Anna.

Ok, it fits. It’s loose enough that I can play comfortably. It’s not uncomfortable. I guess I can always roll the sleeves up if I need to. Wait, where did Elsa go? Oh, f*cking hell, what’s that she's holding? No. Hell no. She can’t be serious.

“Oh, Kris! That is so perfect! Here. Try the tie.”

A tie? Really? And it’s mustard yellow? It’s fine as a t-shirt, but a tie? She must see the strain on my face.

“I know. Just. Trust me. Just put it on, and we’ll ask the guys what they think.”

I’m really hoping they won’t like it. I don't even know how to tie it. It's so frustrating. I'm about to throw it on the floor, but Elsa's patient hands come to the rescue.

“How bout this. How bout you get it, and then let Anna decide if you should wear it?”

Damn it, Elsa, and your HM logic. HM always does this sh*t to me, and now Elsa’s carrying the mantle.

“Ok, here. I’m gonna try something on really quick. You can let me know if it’s good.”

I give her a fake annoyed look but she knows I’m just playing.

“Oooh! Elsa!”

“Bam-chik-a-wa-wa!” says Ryder.

“Lookin' pretty good!” says Sven. “You sure you just like chicks? I mean, I dress like one. Doesn’t that count?”

“Sorry, Sven. Exclusively. I’m not even anywhere remotely close to straight.”

“It was worth a shot,” he winks. He doesn’t mean it, but he loves to flirt. He’d never actually do that to HM.

“So I should get it then?”

We all shake our heads. It sort of looks like a little kid’s dress up costume, like a real life fairy godmother or ice queen or something. But it’s an adult’s dress. Maybe the previous owner wore it for like a beauty pageant or something, or for a quinceanera. But it looks like it was made for Elsa.

“Do you think Honeymaren will like it?”

“Uh, yeah. I do.”

That’s an understatement. She’s in HM’s wet dream right now. There’s no way I’m telling her that, though.

*****

~ HM ~

“Ooooh!!! There’s a sno-cone stand across the street! Can we go? Can we?” Olaf’s jumping up and down in excitement.

“Why the hell not?” asks HM.

Olaf gets bubble gum, butterscotch, and pickle juice. No comment… Anna gets black cherry, lime, and grape. She’s actually a girly girl. I wasn’t really expecting that because she has such an edge, but I think that’s just a defense mechanism. Deep down, though, she’s just your everyday hetero. But she’s cool about it, like it’s not in your face “I love pink” and all that. She’s girly in a cool way. Like she probably has all of Jane Austen’s books in her Kindle account, but doesn’t want anyone to know about it. And she probably cried at The Notebook , and watched Titanic and Love, Actually a dozen times. But hated playing with Barbies and dolls and that kind of thing when she was a kid. And she hates shopping and wearing bras. Yeah, she’s pretty cool, actually. I definitely get why Kris is so into her. She’s pretty much everything he ever wanted in a woman but never thought he’d find.

I know it bothers him that she won't make any sort of commitment to him, but come on, she's f*cking committed. Elsa told me that she's broken up with a couple of guys just because Kris was coming to town. She broke up with a guy because she knew she was gonna have two weeks with him in North Mountain. She's his f*cking girlfriend in everything but name. I really don't know why he doesn't see that. And everyone else sees it, except him and Anna. We all know they're going to end up together and have beautiful blond babies or whatever. They're both just being stupid.

"What did you get, HM?" Anna asks.

"Coffee, vanilla, and Irish cream."

"Ooooh, so classy!"

"Sometimes I like to be a little fancy!" It's so easy to joke around with Anna. It's easy to let my guard down. That must also be something Kris likes about her. He doesn't actually have to tell her sh*t, she just knows it.

We actually have a song about sno-cones, and Olaf strikes the beat on the bench, testing out his new sticks. I belt out the chorus.

“You know, HM, our mom was actually an opera singer. She was actually a diva. She played all the great mezzo-soprano roles, Rosina, Dido (Berlioz and Purcell), Lady Macbeth, Mignon, but Carmen was always our favorite. We always sang along with her.”

Huh. No sh*t. That definitely explains some things. “That makes sense. What did you dad do?”

“He was in the theatre.” She says it in a mock pompous way, and Olaf and I can’t stop laughing.

“Like Shakespeare and all that?”

“He was actually really well known for his Edmund and Hamlet, but I loved his Lysander and Iago the most."

"Wow, so your folks were legit artists."

"Mhmmm. But my mom played Edith in a traveling production of the Pirates of Penzance, and my dad was a pirate. So that's how they met. My dad loved that Major-General song, and he used to sing it all the time. We always groaned, but I'd give anything to hear him sing it one more time."

“Oh, that’s a cool story.”

“Yeah, they were always laughing and singing and dancing together. They were so in love. And there was always music. Elsa used to write songs for our mom to sing, and it didn’t matter how bad they were, she always said they were good, or how busy she was, she always had time to sing them.”

“I love happy endings…” says Olaf.

“I’m not sure happy’s the right word for it exactly, but we were happy. You know, before.”

“Happy now, though?” I ask.

Her smile reminds me of Elsa’s. She's probably smiling because of Kris, though, and that makes me smile back.

“I actually don’t think I’ve seen Elsa this happy since before, you know, it happened.”

sh*t, I think I’m actually blushing. That’s hard to do, but Anna’s managed somehow.

I didn’t realize Elsa was that happy. I know I am, but she actually is, too? I wouldn’t mind sharing a bag of popcorn with Anna and Olaf and watching Pride & Prejudice right about now.

*****

~ Elsa ~

We’re going for burgers. At a food truck just outside of the thrift store. And we’re going to sit at picnic tables. There’s no other word for it. f*ck.

No. I can do this. I can. I hook my arm in Kris’ elbow. It’s almost like holding Anna’s hand. I instantly feel safe. She and Kris are so perfect together. I just hope she can get over whatever that asshole ex-husband of hers did to her so she and Kris can be together. I know there’s more to the story than what she’s told me. She’s embarrassed about it for some reason, and I don’t understand everything. But Kris is good and decent, and he’s probably already in love with her. True, he’s incredibly immature, but it’s ok because he’s 40-something, I think? Somehow it balances? I don’t know. All I care about is the way he looks at her and hangs on her every word, and how he’s always finding small ways to show her he cares or do nice things for her. Oh, now I see it. He reminds me of my father in a way, and it’s more than just his laugh. It’s not how he looks, because he doesn’t look like him at all. Kris is an oversized, hairy kid, and my father was short and a little effeminate, with bright red hair and a thinning spot on the top of his head. And he always had a pair of glasses hanging around his neck and another pair on top of his head. Just the thought of it makes me smile. No, it’s just some mannerism I can't identify or how he carries himself or something. Anyway, I see it. Anna probably hasn’t even noticed it.

I hook my other arm in Ryder’s. He’s surprised and pleased, and folds his other hand around mine. He has Honeymaren’s smile. And her warmth. And her daring, her bravery. Except when it comes to women, of course. But I feel safe with him, too.

It’s not the same as having Anna and Honeymaren, but it’s a really close second. I feel like nothing bad is going to happen as long as they’re here.

I feel safe with Sven, too, but I only have two arms. He’s probably the bravest of all three of them. He’s always his truest self, and I’m certain there’s a lot of people that have a problem with it because he likes men and women and because he sometimes wears dresses and elaborate and exaggerated makeup and wigs, but sometimes looks like Kris. That kind of thing confuses most people. Or they see him in the dress and assume he only likes men. It’s probably hard for most people to wrap their heads around how complex he is. But I think he’s wonderful. And beautiful. And if I liked men at all, even a little bit, and wasn’t in love with Honeymaren, I think I’d have a huge crush on him. Wait. I’m in love with Honeymaren? I guess I am. Huh. Anyway, I'm glad I drew Sven's name because I know exactly what to get him. Only, I have to order it, so at least we have two weeks before we exchange gifts. That should be enough time.

Ok, here we are, sitting at the picnic table. Eating outside. Burgers and fries. Finger foods. I will definitely need to take off my gloves. Maybe just one. Ok. I can eat fries like this. No one thinks it’s weird so far.

“Are you gonna eat your burger, Elsa?” asks Ryder.

“I was planning to. But do you want it?”

He’s actually about to say yes, but Sven and Kris tell him no.

“Maybe we can cut it in half? I probably won’t eat the whole thing.”

Why did I say that? Now there’s gonna be knives. Sigh. Plastic. I can deal with that, if Ryder cuts. I can eat my half with one hand.

No… I definitely cannot.

Ok, there’s no cars around, no cops, and only plastic knives. I can do this. Just long enough for me to eat the burger. Then I can put it back on and eat fries.

I practically smash the burger into my mouth. It’s so good, and I completely forgot about my gloves and anything else. And there aren’t any car accidents, and no one gets hurt.

Do you hear that OCD? You’re not wanted here. Stay the hell away from me and my friends.

This is what it’s like to be free from the monster that comes back no matter how many times you vanquish it. It’s like an insatiable gerbil spinning a wheel, trying to get a piece of cheese, the obsession. Once it gets the cheese, or you perform a compulsion, it takes a second to chow down and everything’s good, and then it gets hungry again so runs for more cheese, and then you do it all over again. And it doesn’t stop. For some reason, being around these three wonderful guys has made the gerbil take a nap, though. Maybe the gerbil will sleep for the rest of our time here. I need to be able to sleep next to my girlfriend, who I love, without worrying if I’m going to stab her while she sleeps. And I’m not going to be able to check on Anna to make sure she’s ok because Kris will be with her, and ew… no, I don’t even want to think about it, much less see it. Gross. I mean, what if they’re… ugh. No. I just have to trust that if she’s with Kris then she’s safe, and I shouldn’t worry.

“Elsa, do you like charades?” asks Ryder.

“I don’t know. I don’t really think I’m any good at it.”

“That’s ok. It’s just for fun.”

The gerbil’s asleep. It’s ok to open up and have fun.

“Sure, yeah, I’ll give it a try. Yeah, sounds like fun.”

Fun . I’m a person that does fun things and has fun . With my friends . And my girlfriend, who I love. I even consider keeping my gloves off, but that’s too much. We’re gonna be in a car, so just to be on the safe side, I’ll go ahead and keep them on.

But I will certainly join in with the boys to sing along with the Johnny Cash playlist Sven set up. I’m riding in a car with my friends, singing along to every single Johnny Cash song on the playlist. And I ate a burger with my hands and no gloves - outside! And I bought a super sexy dress (well, not exactly sexy, but it’s fancy) to impress my super sexy girlfriend, who I love. And I helped my sister’s super sweet and decent weird boyfriend/non-boyfriend thing buy her a dress and a matching shirt for himself. And I had a whole conversation with Sven about different styles of gloves. Ryder even told me I had real street cred for knowing the lyrics to all of Johnny Cash’s songs! I can’t wait to tell Anna. Except the part about what Kris bought and why we were there. These were not small victories. These were huge victories stacked on top of each other. And I’m so proud of myself, and I’m so happy and free!

Chapter 10: Gloves Off

Chapter Text

~ Anna ~

“Anna, come on!” Olaf takes my hand and leads me to the room Kris and I are staying in. They're all still out, and HM taking a shower before the boys hog all the hot water.

“Girls Hour! Oh, wait. We need liquor or something.”

He runs to the kitchen while I take my bra off.

“I don’t even know how you wear those things. Discomboobulating contraptions!”

“Hear, hear!”

He hands me a watermelon wine cooler. I saw him slip those into the basket at the store the other day. It's the first time in forever I've had a wine cooler. But it tastes pretty good.

“So” he flops onto the bed, landing on his side and propping his head up by his elbow. “Let’s dish. You go first.”

“Oh, I’d rather hear about you. You already know what’s on my plate, yeah?"

“Oh, yeah, a tall hunk of steaming hot manly Krissiness! My mouth waters, but truth be told, he’s a little too hetero for my taste.”

“Well, he’s just hetero enough for me!” I giggle.

“No, but really. What’s the deal?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you together or aren’t you?”

I shrug. I don’t really want to think about this right now. I want to pretend that everything’s “normal” and Kris and I are a “normal” couple. Not a couple that is going to be together for two weeks and then go our separate ways until we hopefully come together again a few months later for more than just a day. I don’t want to give up the illusion of being together together.

“We’re together when we’re together. And when we’re apart, we aren’t.”

“That’s a pity. He’s really pretty crazy about you, you know.”

“I’m pretty crazy about him, too.” f*ck, that’s a tear. “And now you. I’m dying to hear all about your dish.”

He screeches and shakes his feet. “Ok, but do you promise not to tell? Not even Kris? Especially not Kris???”

“I promise, Olaf.” This must be top secret stuff.

“It’s…. It’s…” his eyes are squeezed shut and he seriously looks like he’s gonna poop the answer. “It’s SVEN!!!”

Now he’s curled into a ball and he’s rocking back and forth.

“Sven is so cute, I can really see why you like him.”

“Really? You can?” I nod. “I know, he’s just so cool, so cute, so funny, so sweet… I could go on. And have you seen his legs? They go on FOR-E-V-ERRRR! Brrrrr!” He’s actually shaking his tail feathers. I bet they’d have some really interesting sex.

“So what’s the problem?”

Now he just looks pathetic.

“He doesn’t like you back? Oh, he doesn’t even know you like him?”

He nods. “I can’t say anything because (a) I’m a chicken, and (b) if sh*t goes south, HM might kick him or me out of the band. I love HM and the band, and Kris, and well, you already know about Sven.”

“Olaf, how long has this been going on?”

“Years. Ever since he joined the band. I guess a few years now. It was pretty much love at first sight. Oh, he’s like a giant sexy graceful giraffe in a Tina Turner dress.”

“Is he, though?”

“Yu-huh.”

“Well, you can’t keep going on like this. You’ll have an aneurism or something. Or an ulcer.”

“Or my arms will go gangrene and I’ll lose them and never be able to play drums again.”

Well, at least I know how to handle this conversation.

“I bet he’d be cool, though. You know, if he doesn’t feel the same way. He’s so easy-going.”

“But he teases me relentlessly. It almost feels like he already knows.”

“So you think he’d tease you more than he already does?”

“I don’t know. I like it when he teases me, though. It drives me crazy.”

sh*t, they’re exactly perfect for each other.

At that moment Kris walked in. “Are you guys talking about me?” He jumps on the bed behind me to drape his arm softly across my waist and play with my hair.

Next it’s Sven’s turn, and he dives onto the bed on the other side of Olaf and reaches for his waist to mirror Kris, but I’m pretty sure he actually grabs a little further south, based on Olaf’s whimper and the very obvious tent at his hips as he pads away. He pauses halfway, with his hand attempting to conceal the evidence, badly. “No! Bad Sven!” His nose is about as high as it’ll go and he practically pushes HM out of the way as she gets out of the shower. A few minutes later we hear an even higher pitched whimper, and longer lasting.

Oh, poor Olaf.

Sven looks miserable, too. He didn’t mean to hurt Olaf. And now that he has, he looks like someone just killed his dog or something.

“What did I do?”

I wouldn’t feel sorry for him except that he really has no clue, and he looks really sorry. He absolutely didn’t mean to hurt Olaf.

“I think you were just playing a little too rough, buddy,” says Kris. “Just give it a few minutes, apologize, and it’ll be fine.”

Sven cuddles up to us and I find myself wedged between two very large men. I pull myself up so I can avoid being smooshed and they both grab my hands and pull me back down.

“I’m not gonna let anything bad happen to you, says Kris, a little offended.

I also don’t want to be seen cavorting with the “enemy”. Olaf is my best friend now so I can’t be seen cuddling with the guy that keeps breaking his teeny tiny cutesy heart all day long every day. I do want to cuddle with Sven, though. It actually feels pretty to be sandwiched like that, now that I know they won't accidentally smooosh me. Just not right now.

“I just want to practice a little before dinner. It’s been a few days and my calluses are feeling a little flat. I don’t wanna get too soft.” They can both understand that.

I set up outside since it’s a nice day and work on my scales for a half hour, then etudes for another hour, then Kris puts his head on my free shoulder and his arms around my waist. “Come on. Everyone’s back. There’s food.”

I quickly turn around, the frog of my bow accidentally gets him right in his side.

“Oh, sh*t, Kris! Are you ok? I’m so sorry!”

He’s breathing through the pain. “If you weren’t hungry, you could’ve just said…”

I pull up his shirt to see how bad it was. There’s a small yellow dot, and it’ll probably be blue and purple in the next hour. Yikes. I kiss it and look up to see if that helps.

“Keep going.”

I really don’t mind. He’s got just the right amount of pudge on his hips and around his middle. I reach around and squeeze his butt. It’s pretty firm, and hasn’t begun to sag yet. Probably from all the guitar. It’s a good butt. Actually, I love it. It’s probably the best one I’ve ever seen or felt.

“Feel better yet?”

“Keep going. I’ll let you know when I feel better.”

I go back to licking and sucking and squeezing.

“What the f*ck, guys!”

Ok, I guess this is pretty weird and we are sort of out in the open in HM’s house.

“Seriously, there’s a bedroom with a door that locks where you can do all your weird… whatever the f*ck sh*t you’re into. A little PDA’s one thing, but come on now.”

She marches back inside and Kris and I laugh. Neither one of us really cares. But I did want to hang out with everyone. I’ll have Kris all to myself in a few hours anyway, and then I’ll make him really feel better.

*****

~ HM ~

I wake up from a bad dream, Ryder getting picked up again and me watching him get taken away and not being able to do anything to help him. He’s gotta find a job soon. Before he’s tempted to resort to the same sort of crime. I’ll talk to him tomorrow.

Oh, right, Elsa’s here. I turn over and reach for her. I really want her to hold me right now. It doesn’t happen often that I need support from someone, but Elsa makes me feel like it’s ok. She’s kind and gentle, and she never makes me feel weak when I need comfort. She’s always happy to give it to me without gloating or feeling superior. It’s always out of… no, can’t be love. But maybe something close at least. Wait, where is she?

I put some clothes on and head to the living room, no Elsa, no one’s in the bathroom, no one’s in the kitchen. Oh wait, what’s that noise? Crying?

“Elsa!?” She’s all but collapsed on the floor and she’s sobbing. “Elsa, what’s wrong, baby?”

“Oh, Honey!”

I rush to hug her and sit next to her. I wipe away her tears as she continues to sob.

“What’s going on, Elsa? You know you can tell me anything. Let me help you.”

She’s quiet for a while, deciding if she can trust me.

“Only Anna knows. So you can’t say anything to anyone. Do you swear?”

“Of course I do. I’d never do anything to hurt you.”

She lets out a deep breath. “I have OCD.”

“Ok, that’s not so bad. I know it must be hard for you, but it doesn’t make you a freak or anything. But what does that mean, though? I never see you cleaning like crazy, or checking that the door is locked, or washing your hands 20 times a day. I’m sure it’s different for everyone, but… oh, the gloves?”

She nods. “There’s other things, too. Things no one knows because they only happen in my head. Like that first night, when we went to the diner and saw those cops? You noticed that they made me uncomfortable. It wasn’t because I was afraid of getting arrested for something, or for any legit reason like you had, having been arrested, and seeing Ryder get arrested. It’s because I couldn’t stop thinking about how I could just steal one of their guns and shoot everyone in the diner, including you. I just couldn’t get it out of my head.”

sh*t, I had no idea.

“And the gloves… I have to wear them outside because I’m worried that if I don’t, it’ll freeze over and someone will get into a car accident.”

“Ok. But you wear them inside, too, though.”

“That’s not OCD actually. Well, kind of. It’s more like a comfort. Because I don’t think wearing them is going to prevent me from stabbing anyone with a knife, but they just make me feel safe. I don’t know, maybe it is a compulsion. Well, anyway, it’s something that’s always there, and it’s a constant battle. It’s something I’ve struggled with my whole life, but then my parents’ death, it felt like my fault. My mom told me to wear my gloves because it was cold and I didn’t. And that was the last thing she said to me. So I thought it was my fault for the longest time, for not listening to her. I know it’s not, of course that’s not logical at all. But there’s a tiny voice in my brain asking “what if” and sowing doubt that’s nearly impossible to ignore.”

“So why are you crying on the kitchen floor now?”

“Because I watched you cut raw chicken. And I couldn’t help but wonder what if you cut yourself? And then it turned into what if I had grabbed that knife and cut you. And then what if I stab you in your sleep. So I came out here to hold the knife, to prove to myself that I wouldn’t do that. But I couldn’t even put my hand on the handle.”

Oh, Elsa… my heart is breaking for her. I can’t believe she’s had to struggle like this for so long.

“I was a mess after my parents died, but I was able to move on. I still had OCD, but it wasn’t that bad back then. There were the gloves, of course, but not much else. And that’s when I met you, it was after my parents. I was wearing gloves, and everyone just thought it was a fashion statement, but otherwise I was normal.

That’s why Anna told me not to get her gloves.

“So, did something else happen to make your OCD worse?”

“It was about a year after we met. I was in a relationship with a woman named Samantha. We weren’t together for very long, less than a year, but it wasn’t a great relationship. I liked her a lot, but my OCD started getting worse for some reason. My best guess is because she loved me and I didn’t love her, and I didn’t want to hurt her, but I knew I would. That’s when the knife thing started. It was a lot worse back then, though. I couldn’t even be in the kitchen with her like we are now. That’s how terrified I was of knives. I think it’s because she was a chef. And I was worried about killing her in her sleep, so I never wanted to stay over, or have her stay over. And she wanted to move in together, and I just could’t do that. And one night we got into a fight about it and she left. I followed her outside, not wearing my gloves. She got into a car accident on the way back to her apartment and she was killed instantly. She was in a car accident and I wasn’t wearing my gloves. And then I spun out of control. Eventually I had to be hospitalized. For about 6 months. And that’s when Anna came to live with me, not too long after I got out. And it caused a lot of problems with her ex. They were basically separated, so I think it was a relief to her to have somewhere else to go. And he’s such an asshole. But I still blame myself for her divorce. She says it wasn’t my fault, but I don’t really believe her. And I usually check on her several times a night to make sure she’s safe. She’s such a deep sleeper that she doesn’t even know. If she did she’d tell me that the front door was locked, there’s no one else there but the two of us, and she was sound asleep, so nothing bad could happen. But I just have to make sure. And now I can’t do that because she’s with Kris, and the thought of opening the door and seeing his naked butt or her legs wrapped around him makes me a little queasy.”

“Breeders.” Good, there’s her cute smile.

“Something like that. But you know, you actually make it a lot better. When I’m with you, I feel braver, and more sure of myself. And you make me want to be better. You have no idea how inspirational you are. And I’ve been working so hard since that first night. And I’ve never made so much progress in such a short time. It’s because I’m serious about you. And I don’t want another relationship like I had with Samantha. You’re too important to me.”

Just say it. I f*cking love you, Elsa. Just say it.

“Elsa… there’s actually something I want to tell you, too.”

“Anything, Honey.”

“I… don’t know what it’s like to have OCD, but I do know what’s it’s like to suffer from mental illness. I… have bipolar disorder. Wow, it's been so long since I've talked about it. Kris knows, and Ryder, of course. They’ve both seen the worst of it, unfortunately.”

“Oh, Honey. It’s ok. I don’t think any less of you.”

I don’t want to go into as much detail as Elsa did. It’s hard to talk about.

“It’s entirely controlled through medication, and it’s been almost 15 years since I had an episode. I’d rather not go into the details, but as long as I take my meds, I’m fine. But I don’t like to tell people because it’s such a stigma. Like, any time I get upset about something, they think I’m having a manic episode, or if I’m sad, I’m depressed. Or they think my mood is going to change like that,” I snap. “It doesn’t work that way. Not even by a long shot. People always try to use it as an excuse for when they do something wrong. Like they didn’t actually do anything they need to apologize for, because I’m overreacting because I have a mental illness and I’m the one with the problem. Ugh. I’ve had to break up with two girlfriends because they thought like that. Most people don’t understand that it’s not based on someone saying something that sets me off. It’s mostly biological. Sure, like when my mom died, I got a little depressed, but it wasn’t that much beyond grieving, because my mood is controlled by medication. And I don’t hear voices or see things that aren’t there. It’s like I can’t stop moving, and my mind goes too fast, and I talk fast, but it’s still not as fast as my mind is going. And I feel like I can do anything, and I do stupid sh*t like go on shopping sprees I can’t afford.”

Ok, I guess I’m talking about this.

“And I think enough people have experienced depression to at least sort of understand what it is. For people that don’t have bipolar, though, it’s usually triggered by something, or it can be. But for me, it’s more like I just start crying and feeling sh*tty and I have no f*cking idea why. When my mom passed, that was a trigger, which could have led to depression, but it didn’t really, and it wasn’t a bipolar depression anyway, but it could have triggered a manic episode if I didn’t take care of it right away, which I did. Anyway, people don’t really get it usually and they have all kinds of assumptions about it. About me. And they look at me differently because of it. Like they have to be really careful what they say to me. They just don’t get it. But maybe you do. Since you have a mental illness, you probably know that’s like, to feel misunderstood like that.”

“Honeymaren, I love you.”

Holy sh*t. She’s got me on the floor and she’s taken control over my mouth so I can’t even say it back. I love it when she takes control like this.

That’s her hand on my belly. She actually took her gloves off. In all this time, I’ve never felt her hands on my skin like this. They’re soft and delicate.

Oh, but the way she’s touching my nipples is not delicate. Oh my f*cking god, I’m burning. She’s grinding against my hips so I can’t go anywhere. I have to just straighten my legs and squeeze. But the cold of the tile and the air as she lifts my shirt doesn’t actually cool me down, it just fans the flames. I try to roll her over but she won’t let me.

I’m seriously going to lose it now. She’s using her teeth on my nipple and it f*cking slays me when she does that. Now her hand is going the opposite direction. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the feel of her skin against mine.

Holy m-. f*ck . I really thought Elsa’s tongue was the best thing ever, but I take it back. She has magic fingers. And she knows exactly where to touch me. f*ck, I’m so close. Like literally 3 seconds away.

“Oh, sorry!” Anna giggles as she runs away. Now Elsa’s giggling. I guess this is payback for me catching her and Kris doing whatever the f*ck it was that they were doing earlier.

I groan and sigh and cover my eyes. Elsa giggles some more.

“Elsa? I love you, too.”

Now she’s back to kissing me and her hand picks up where it left off and her other hand reaches for my nipple again.

sh*t, I thought it was good before. But I think I must have passed out for a moment and had an out-of-body experience.

What is she doing? I already finished. She’s fishing her finger inside me, not that I mind at all, I’m still throbbing.

She pulls her finger out slowly and pops it in her mouth and slowly removes it. God damn. I want to go back to my room for some privacy, but I really can’t wait to pull her underwear off and lick her. Her moans are so musical, almost like her giggles. I love going down on her.

Then I fall asleep almost on top of her. Fortunately we both pulled our underwear up because I’m awakened by a man’s “Hmhmmm…”

f*cking Kris. This is my god damn house and I’ll have sex whereever I want, whenever I want.

“What, Kris? What do you want?”

Elsa’s embarrassed. I don’t really give a sh*t because it’s not even close to the first time he’s seen me in this situation before. But it bothers her and I do care about that.

“I was just gonna get some water, but, you know, I’ll come back. Just, you know, don’t want to get in the way of your PDA.”

At least he’s covering his eyes for Elsa’s sake. She told me how much she liked him before, and I wonder if this’ll change her mind.

“f*ck off!” I stand and offer my hand to Elsa so she can. Kris still has his eyes closed and Elsa runs back to the bedroom. She’s so graceful.

“What the f*ck is wrong with you?”

He’s cackling like a hyena. I f*cking hate that laugh of his. He’s more annoying than my actual brother.

“It’s just funny, you know? How you freaked out when you saw Anna kissing the wound where she got me with my bow, and squeezing my butt, but you and Elsa actually have sex in the kitchen. It’s just funny. You don’t think that’s funny?”

No f*cking privacy in my own god damn house.

“I think you’re the most obnoxious person on the planet and you should go back to the only person that doesn’t seem to think you are. You really should count your lucky stars for Anna.”

f*ck. That was too far. Not only did I just tell him how undesirable he is, but I also told him he didn’t deserve Anna. He actually believes that already. He’s hurt by my words. I didn’t actually mean it, I was just annoyed with him and the whole situation.

“Wait, Kris, I didn’t- I’m sorry.”

“You’re right. I don’t deserve Anna. Everyone knows that. Even Anna.” He doesn't even go back to his room, he grabs his guitar and goes outside. He can't even go back to Anna now.

f*ck. I’ll have to figure out some way to apologize to him and just hope he doesn’t screw things up now that he’s got those negative thoughts at the front of his head. f*ck.

Chapter 11: Come Rain or Shine

Chapter Text

~ Anna ~

There's something weird in the air, and I don't like it. Kris is mad at HM for some reason, and Elsa knows it but won't say. And Kris won't say. And I'm not about to ask the person Kris is mad at and I'm pretty sure she'd say it wasn’t any of my business anyway, which is also what Kris said to me. Plus he's been avoiding me for two whole days. He's fallen asleep drunk on the couch two nights in a row and hasn't even tried to touch me. I have no idea what I did.

And Olaf is still upset with Sven and Sven still doesn't know why. And he and Kris have been getting drunk together. And both of them have been too hungover to practice. And this rehearsal has been a nightmare. And they can't stop laughing.

I finally reach my limit.

"f*ck you, f*ck you, and f*ck you!" I point my bow at everyone but Olaf, who deserves a "f*ck you", too, because he's being a whiny brat, but I just can’t say it to him. If anyone deserves to have a problem, it's Olaf. No one else has any excuse, as far as I can tell.

"I agreed to play with you guys because I thought you were pros and you'd actually behave like adults. You need to figure this sh*t out or I'm not playing with you. Right now. I play in an orchestra conducted my my douchebag ex-husband and I don’t pull this kind of crap. You all suck and you need to get over whatever bullsh*t you have going on and get the f*cking job done, yeah? And Kris, we have 2 weeks together. That's it. 2 weeks. And now you've fallen asleep drunk on the couch with Sven two nights in a row. And that's two mornings where you haven’t been there. Hungover on the couch doesn't count as there. You promised me."

I start packing up and they're all shocked. "Hey, Ryder, you want to go to the session with me? I feel like actually playing music with real musicians instead of babysitting."

"Yes, ma'am."

"I can't believe I was gonna miss it for this f*cking rehearsal. You can take Kris' guitar. He won't need it." The session Matt told me about is conveniently just 10 blocks away. We'll just get there a little early and have a whiskey. Or 3. Plus a pint.

*****

~ Kris ~

"Did that just happen?" asks Sven.

"Yes. And she was 100% right," says HM. "We are acting like f*cking babies."

"We need her to play with us now. We sort of can't do this gig without her," I observe. It's true. The owner was so excited that we had a violinist with us now that he offered to pay a lot extra. A lot. Like really a lot.

"Yes, we f*cking can," says HM. "But I don’t want to. Do you?"

Both Sven and Olaf agree.

"Ok. It's settled. Kris, I'm sorry. I didn’t mean it. Not even by a long shot. You're a great guy and you deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy. But no more getting drunk."

I'm not sure that's enough. But whatever. The important thing is that I let Anna down. Not only that I let her down, though, but that I behaved like Vance Bjorgman. Not even Vance Bird. And I need to make it up to her. And prove to myself that I'm not my father. I have to find that session.

“Sven, can I borrow your guitar?”

“Yeah, what’s going on, buddy?”

I look at him a little blankly. Exactly how much acid did he drop in his lifetime? I’m glad he stopped doing that sh*t. He really can’t afford to lose any more f*cking brain cells.

“He has to find Anna, dummy." Olaf's happy to find a way to retaliate that has nothing to do with why he's actually upset.

“Hey! Stop!” says HM. All of a sudden the hall monitor because she’s above it all. She lost the moral high ground when she reminded me how lucky I was to have Anna. Like I don’t already know that. It was such a low blow considering I don’t actually have Anna. I’m only on borrowed time with her. At the end of these two weeks we might never even see each other again. But HM doesn’t know that exactly. None of them know it’s Anna’s idea not to be together. I just roll my eyes and text Matt for the address. HM doesn’t have a clue, but I know exactly why Olaf’s lashing out at Sven that way. Even Sven still doesn’t know why Olaf’s upset. Damn it, I’m just gonna have to tell him. I’m about to do whatever’s f*cking necessary for Anna not to go home early. And if Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum keep this up my efforts might not even be enough.

As soon as I hear back from Matt, I race out the door with Sven’s guitar. The rest of them try to keep up but the only one that comes close is Sven. His 3 foot heels make it a little difficult for him, but he finally does.

“So, what’s the game plan?”

“What? There’s no f*cking game plan, man. I just need to talk to Anna and apologize.”

“Well, I’m here, man. Whatever you need.”

“Could you just be a little nicer to Olaf? Like, less teasing maybe?”

“But I’m always nice to him.”

“What you are is a lion cub playing with a kitten. You don’t know your own strength. It’s easy to suffocate the kitten.”

“Um. I’m not sure I get that. But you think I’m mean to him?”

“No. Mean’s not the right word.” I don’t have time to walk him through this. I need to practice my speech.

“Does he think I’m mean, though?”

“Not mean. You play too rough. Just try not teasing him. Just be normal. Like you are with Anna and Elsa.”

“Oh. Ok. I can do that.”

One of these days he’s going to understand. I really hope he figures it out on his own so I don’t have to f*cking tell him.

The pub is filled with music and Anna’s violin and laughter on top of everything. She’s drunk and infectious. The table is full of men younger than me, and a lot of them are more attractive. Whereas the Arendelle session was made up of older men, men that were definitely too old for Anna to be interested in, though she apparently has a thing for older men, the North Mountain session was filled with guys somewhere between mine and Anna’s ages. There was another woman there, but she wasn’t very attractive. I guarantee you every single one of those guys is trying to get with her. And she’s definitely drunk and flirty. Not that I think anything would happen, but I also don’t want to just wait and see how it plays out. I want her to know I want her and not have to feel like she has any need to turn to someone else. I want to be everything she needs.

I pull out Sven’s guitar and Ryder sees me. He stands up so I can take his seat and my guitar. I hand him Sven’s and he slaps his hand on my back and wishes me luck. Anna glares at me. I don’t really think she wants to see me right now. Too bad. She was right about having wasted those two days. I don’t intend to spend any more time away from her. I already got her that dress, and I got Ryder’s gift for the Secret Marshmallow. I don’t have any need be away from her until the moment she has to leave.

In between tunes, she asks me, “What are you doing here?”

“I didn’t want to be away from you anymore.”

“And why were you away from me before?”

“It was stupid. Just something HM said to me. About, like, not deserving you. I was stupid, though. And I’m over it.”

She drops her violin from her neck and almost bangs the scroll on the table.

“What? What the f*ck did she say?”

“It doesn’t matter. I was wrong, and I’m sorry. Do you forgive me?”

I almost told her I loved her just then. It’s harder not to say it than I thought it would be. But I don’t want to ruin the rest of our time here by her being upset that I’m too invested.

Instead of answering, she leans into me and kisses a “yes” into my mouth, and I feel it vibrate on my tongue. But we are at the session, and even though time stands still for us, it keeps going for everyone else so they keep playing. I’m torn between wanting to play with everyone and getting Anna alone and doing that thing to her that I know she loves. But we can have both, so I behave.

Anna takes a break to go to the restroom, and I keep playing. Matt even shows up. And the guys that had all kinds of ideas about Anna before I showed up had quickly gotten that idea out of their heads knowing she was taken. By me. This time she didn’t just make me feel like she was taken, she made everyone know she was. I’m flooded with good feelings at this thought and I look behind me to see if Anna’s on the way back. It seems like she’s been gone for a long time.

f*ck.

She’s talking to HM. And she doesn’t look happy. I shouldn’t have mentioned HM told me something about not deserving her. Because Anna’s definitely somewhere between tipsy and drunk, probably leaning more closely to drunk. And she'd definitely laying into HM. Not that she doesn't deserve it... But it feels f*cking fantastic that Anna would stand up for me like that.

*****

~ HM ~

I’m so glad I came with the guys to check out the session. I’m really impressed. Especially by Anna. I guess the only time I’ve ever really heard her play is just with us and I’ve caught some of her practicing, but just scales and exercises really. We really are lucky to have her play with us. It’s pretty obvious she’s a little tipsy but she still sounds like that.

I lean over to Elsa, who was taking a nap when all that sh*t went down and texted me when she woke up, which was right after we all left. So she met me here. I can’t stop touching her and kissing her hands and cheeks, and she has the same problem. What can we do, new love, right?

I get up to get us some more drinks just as Anna is coming out of the restroom.

“Oh, hey Anna. Listen, I’m sorry-”

“Do you even know what you’re sorry for?”

“Well, for the whole band thing, not being a professional, you kn-”

“You should be sorry for that. And I forgive you for that. But what you should be even more sorry for is telling Kris he doesn’t deserve me. How f*cking dare you?”

“I’m s-”

“We get two weeks together. That’s it. Two weeks and then we go back to being strangers until the next time you roll into town, that is, if he even wants to see me, because there’s always a chance for us that this is the last time.”

“I didn’t know.”

“We don’t have what you and Elsa have. Because I just can’t be in a long distance relationship. So while you and Elsa are gonna leave each other after next week, you’ll talk every day and fall asleep on the phone and have phone sex. And whatever. But Kris and I can’t have that.”

I’m not exactly sure why they can’t have that, but I’m not about to question her right now.

“Not only did you say something completely horrible and untrue to him, you stole two whole, precious days from us. And it really hurt me that pushed me away like that.”

“I’m sorry, Anna.”

“You know, Kris is a wonderful person. Sure he’s a little immature, but he has the ability to find humor where most people don’t and that’s a rare quality. He’s the kind of person that can make you feel better when you’re sad just by smiling at you. And he looks past everyone’s flaws and likes them for who they really are, and he’s completely loyal to the people he cares about. He’s also extremely generous and knows how to let people shine. You’re not only lucky to have him as your friend, but also as your guitarist.”

What the f*ck is she trying to say about the guitarist part? I get the rest of it, and she’s right about everything. But what does she mean about the guitar part? Maybe she’s just trying to get back at me.

I get my drinks and return to Elsa.

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah, I just pissed Anna off and she just needed to let me know just how much. She was right and I apologized, and I hope everything’s ok between us. I think she just needs some space and to sleep it off, and then we’ll be good.”

“Anna is a really emotional person. She always has been. But she also gets over things quickly. I’m sure whatever it is, she’ll have forgotten by morning.”

“I hope so. I don’t want her to be mad at me. We were getting along so well, and I think she’s really cool.”

“Me, too.”

Elsa settles her head on my shoulder and I listen carefully, to see if I can tell what Anna was talking about. Kris is just playing some chords and never really stopped looking at Anna. Ok, that’s like normal. He’s like that when we play together. It’s super annoying because it makes me feel like Anna’s in charge instead of me. But he’s also sleeping with her and not me, so that makes sense. And in another week it won’t matter anyway. Plus, considering how much extra we’re getting paid to have her play with us, and how we’re playing all the Winter Holiday classics, punk style, of course, it makes sense to feature the violin like that.

I listen more closely and he’s doing all kinds of fills with his chord changes. Like fancy stuff. But it’s so subtle. And I think this is only the second time he’s played this kind of music. I’ve heard him noodling around, and I guess he’s been listening to it a lot, but you’d never know it was only this second time. But when it’s his turn to take the melody he does even more of those fills and he works in some blues elements. Matt looks really impressed. Matt’s a professional jazz musician, so him being impressed by Kris’ improv is kind of huge. And Anna’s looking at him like a starstruck teenager. But she’s playing so lightly, just kind of strumming the beat and the roots of the chords. The point of her playing right now is to make Kris sound better.

Is that what she means? Everything he does is just to make me sound better? But he gets guitar solos like crazy. And it’s kind of ridiculous for a vocalist to sing backup to a guitar. The lyrics are the most important part of the song. But then again, punk doesn’t exactly require or even encourage virtuoso playing.

I use all the stuff I learned as an opera singer to get the aesthetic I want, and it really works in punk. I know Kris learned from his grandfather, who’s one of those guys that sits on the back porch playing with his buddies, so he grew up with music. And he’s been playing for almost 40 years, which is way longer than I’ve been singing. That first gig we had together was just to earn some extra cash while I was at conservatory. Playing with Kris was just so magical. We just clicked. And I realized that I liked singing punk so much more than opera. Plus I got sick of all the prejudice for being Ahtohallan and gay.

He believed in what we were doing, too, enough to go on tour with me even though his wife didn’t want him to. Though honestly, he’s much better off without her. Not only because she cheated on him, but because she was so controlling and she wasn’t very nice to him. She always made him feel bad about everything. She was always nitpicking, he never made enough money for her, he drank too much, he stayed out too late, he dressed like a bum. Whatever it was. He was never good enough for her. She just didn’t seem to like him at all. I know it sucked for him, but I was relieved when he got divorced. Because he didn’t have to put up with her crap anymore.

I always thought he deserved much better. It sucks that he had to go 20 years before finding someone to appreciate him like he deserves. And he found that in Anna. She’s in love with him. She won’t admit it, might not even realize it, but she is. The things she said, the way she looks at him… it’s how Elsa looks at me. That’s love. I never really saw it before, you know, I just thought it was a little more than sex, that she really liked him. But now I see it. It’s pretty obvious that he’s in love with her, that he fell for her pretty much right away. He’s been such a sad sap ever since we played Arendelle. Miserable without her. It must have hurt so much more that I said what I said to him because Anna’s obviously the one that doesn’t want a long distance relationship. I'm not sure what her reasons are, but it sure as hell isn't because she doesn't love him, or that she thinks she's too good for him, like Kris thinks.

*****

~ Anna ~

It's such a nice night. I'm still a little tipsy, and Kris is still a lot hot. And it's been two days. And we've had two hours of foreplay. Which was a little awkward because there were so many people around. But now we can go back to HM's house and be alone. Finally.

"Wow, look at those stars," says Kris. They do seem extra bright tonight. The sky's clear, and North Mountain is a much smaller city than Arendelle, where the stars are never this bright.

"Do you want to walk back?" I ask. The others are waiting for an Uber. It's not a long walk, but it is almost midnight and a little cold and they're all pretty drunk.

"Yeah," he says with a kiss. We give our instruments to the others and we actually end up walking more than the 10 blocks to HM's. We walk the first block past her house by accident, but then we decide to walk a little longer. We spend the time talking about our pasts, our likes and dislikes, and hopes and dreams. It's amazing, actually. We're actually getting to know each other beyond our bodies and sex. And I just keep liking him more. He's so incredible and he's lived such an interesting life. He's traveled to places I've never imagined I'd ever go. And he's met some of my favorite punk musicians. And he tells me the background on a lot of his songs, where he gets his ideas from. He has fun and funny stories about HM, Olaf, and Sven, and the bass and drum players that came before them. Stories about what Ryder was like as a kid. I could listen to him for hours.

And he asks me all about my parents, and what Elsa and I were like as kids. He gets me to admit how much I love Jane Austin, Titanic, and Love, Actually. He doesn't judge me for it at all, even though I was expecting him, too.

"I bet you like that scene from Titanic where Rose goes below deck."

"Actually they play one of my favorite tunes, so you, I love that part. Plus, there's the musicians that go down playing together. Ahh." I clutch my heart with my hand. "How can you not love it?"

"Plus, 'I'll never let go, Jack' and 'You jump, I jump'?"

"Yeah, ok, it's hard not to love that, too. But I still think there was room for Jack on that headboard."

Kris laughs and agrees. Plus, now I know he not only watched it, but he loves it as much as I do.

"Oh, that Celine Dion song..."

"I LOVE that song! I actually arranged it for string quartet. Not that anyone wanted to play with me. But it sounded pretty good on the computer anyway."

"Will you play it for me some time? On violin?"

"Maybe we can play it together?"

"I'd love to. I'm pretty free tomorrow, so maybe we can just jam for an hour or so?"

"I would love that. But maybe... can we play some blues, too? I know you haven't played in a while, but I'd really love to hear you play."

"I can't say no to you, but I don't want the others to hear."

For whatever reason he doesn't want anyone to know. He doesn't want anyone to know about his father being a jazz musician either. I didn't even ask his father's name because I didn't want to push him. I could tell he only told me the bare minimum so he could just tell me what happened. But if anyone understands having a famous parent whose shadow you live under, it's me. I had two. Well, not really famous. Probably the same level famous as his father, though. He can't be that famous. I've never heard of a jazz musician named Bjorgman.

Just then the sky broke loose and we were soaked in seconds. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, and then all of a sudden there was. I know what Kris' reaction's going to be without looking at him. As soon as I do, we both burst into laughter.

He whisks me into an alley under an overhang so we can be wait out the worst of it. It gives us an opportunity to make out. My god, he's good at kissing. Usually we kiss a little at a time, and then move on to other stuff. Even that first night we didn't kiss this much. He pressed against me and onto the brick wall behind me, he's as hard against me as the wall is behind me. Maybe harder since the wall is standing still and Kris is, well, dynamic. I'm just about ready to f*ck him in the alley when... He's so f*cking dynamic that he makes me come. Right there. In the alley. He smiles and suggests we brave the rain. I agree. I couldn't agree more.

We run back to the house, holding hands. I throb the entire 5 blocks back to the house, and the running is just making me hornier. As soon as we take our wet shoes off, he picks me up and carries me to the room. I can't wait to get out of my wet clothes, but more importantly, I couldn't wait to be naked. He drops his pants and forgets about his shirt as he's fumbling with the condom. He's taking too damn long so I take over while he pulls his shirt off. Then he holds on to me and lays me on the bed. He goes in so deep, as deep as I need him to, and he kisses me some more. He starts off really fast, and he's gonna make me come. But he slows down just as I'm about to, and oh my f*cking god, what the f*ck is this man doing to me? This is straight up torture.

"Faster! Please!"

"You don't like this?"

"It's not that, it's... you're killing me, Kris."

He actually slows down! That asshole. But he holds onto my hips and thrusts harder. I'm gonna torture him back so I play with his nipples and I can see he's about to come.

"I'm so close..." I tell him, to encourage him.

Coming with Kris, it's like, a religious experience. I push it to the back of my mind that I have to walk away from this perfect man who does things like that to me. Even if I never see him again after this, I'm never going to be able to have sex with anyone and not think about how lackluster it is compared to this.

Kris turns to his side to look at me, his hips bent at the side of the bed. For a second, I thought he was going to say something, but he doesn't. "What?" he asks, instead.

"You're so shiny. You know that?"

"Well, you sparkle. I'm just reflecting you."

It's not true. He shines on his own, brightly. He shines more brightly than anyone else I've ever met. No one sees it, though, because he dims himself so everyone else can shine.

Chapter 12: Secret Marshmallow Fluff

Chapter Text

~ Anna ~

I’m still mad at HM. But I don’t know. Maybe I’m mad at myself. Or maybe I’m just mad. Mad about losing Kris. Part of me hoped that spending so much time with him, he wouldn’t live up to the version of him I’d had plenty of time to construct in my mind. But he does. And then some. And then a lot more on top of that. I’m not too concerned about him finding someone else, although that could happen. It’s just that I’m the closest thing he’s had to a relationship since his divorce 20 years ago. That tells me that he’s not in search of the nearest warm body. He’s more likely to seek the nearest cold bottle. And it’s completely irrelevant for me because I could be in a relationship but I’d always just drop everything for Kris. But it’s all pointless, isn’t it? Because I don’t want to be in an unending long distance relationship that’s going nowhere. Even with Hans there was always a goal. First, he moved to my country, and then he got a job conducting in Berk. And then Corona. And then Bergen. And then the post in Arendelle opened up, and they hired him partly because we were married. The board liked that image, and they even market it that way to patrons. The Arendelle Symphony Orchestra keeps it in the family and whatnot. So after five years of being in a long distance marriage, I was so happy that I finally got him to myself, that I could really be with him, that I could see his sweet face every day. But that’s not how it went down. He cheated on me constantly, he made snide remarks, beneath his breath at first, and then out in the open, he constantly criticized everything about me. And worst of all, I let him convince me that Elsa didn’t really need my help, that she was just trying to drive a wedge between us.

When I got the call that she was in the hospital, that’s when I started to doubt Hans. I never thought she was making it up, but I did think maybe she was exaggerating it. Elsa wouldn’t ever do that, though. I had completely lost sight of what was important to me outside of my marriage. Even when she got out, she needed a lot of help. And I was the only family she had. Of course I was going to help her. Hans pretty much kicked me out passive aggressively, told me to just go to her if I really think she’s that much more important than him. That was the moment I realized that she was. And I moved in with her and never looked back.

But now I’m looking at Kris. And I wish so badly that he could just stay with me always. I chug the chord progression on my violin, just enough to support him as he pours everything into that V-IV-I. I'm right about how much he holds back, he’d probably been holding back for a long time. I can tell he feels liberated, though, like he took off a shoe that cramped his foot or something. The way he plays is so natural, too. He didn’t learn guitar and then learn the blues. He learned the blues and then he learned guitar. It’s so in him. As he finishes up the phrase and it’s my turn to improvise over it, I suddenly feel so inadequate. I hesitate.

“Come on, girl. Your turn now.” He turned an extra four I bars so I could have a full 12 bars to noodle around on. Such a f*cking gentleman.

I play the only thing I can think of, my violin tells him exactly how I feel about him, all the things I can’t even say to myself, I put it into the sound. And we’re both out of breath when we’re done, and I’ve shed a few tears I didn’t mean to. We look at each other for a long time, both unsure of what to say. Both aware of how much we actually said but didn’t say, not necessarily knowing what exactly, but the feelings behind it, that we understood.

“I got you a gift.”

“Kris, you didn’t have to do that.” He didn’t, of course, but I’m beyond thrilled to have something imbued with his essence that I can hold onto once we go our separate ways.

“It’s supposed to be for Winter Holiday and I wanted to give it to you before our shows, but can I give it to you now? I don’t really think I can wait.”

He takes my hand to lead me out of the garage. “But I think everyone’s gonna want to see me give it to you. It was sort of a group effort.”

*****

~ Elsa ~

I can’t wait to see Anna’s reaction to the dress. I know everyone else is waiting patiently. I made Kris show it to Honeymaren, and she agreed that Anna was going to love it. We couldn’t show it to Olaf because apparently he’s Anna’s new best friend and wouldn’t be able to keep the secret. So it’s as much a surprise for him as it is for her.

Ok, ok, now the dress! Oh, poor Kris, it’s still in the plastic bag from the store, with the wire hanger and everything. It’s actually kind of cute and sweet, and Anna’s not going to care. It’s pretty obvious that it’s been 20 years since he’s been in a relationship with someone.

Kris’ face is cute and contorted. He put a lot of stock in this dress, and he’s gonna be devastated if she doesn’t like it.

But Anna’s face… Her eyes light up as she pulls it out of the bag, she’s speechless and her mouth is agape. She loves it. She holds the dress up to her and spins around a few times. Everyone else’s faces are almost as relieved as Kris’.

"For me?"

Kris nods humbly and she jumps on top of him and whispers something in his ear. Probably “thank you” and maybe some other nice stuff. His face looks like a tomato.

“Ok, I’ll be right back!” Anna runs to the bedroom to put it on, but trips on the dress on her way. Everyone stands up to make sure she’s ok, including Kris, who’s also laughing uncontrollably.

“I’m ok!” She laughs as she gets up and keeps going.

“What the f*ck is wrong with you?” asks Honeymaren.

“I don’t know, I can’t help it. Plus, she’s fine. She was laughing, too.”

“You better go check on her.” The guys are also upset with him.

He gets up to go make sure she’s ok.

“He’s like a f*cking child sometimes. Not even a teenager. Like a 10 year old kid.”

She’s not wrong about that, but so is Anna. Sometimes. And she’s really clumsy, but she’s used to falling like that, so it doesn’t phase her. But I like that everyone’s so caring.

“Kris! Get out!” It's so cloying and flirty. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her sound quite like that before. The dress was a great idea, and Kris knocked this one out of the park.

“I can’t see?”

“Not til I’m dressed!”

“I’ve seen you undressed before.”

There's some rumbling and Kris tries to go in again. Anna slams the door shut again, but there’s laughter and sweet words and teasing and giggles.

“It's been a while since I've been around girls, but that's not what I remember upset sounding like,” says Ryder.

I look around the room and everyone’s a little uncomfortable by the display. It’s all so sweet and innocent, but a little too intimate for everyone to know about it. We all would have walked away if we weren’t so anxious to see the dress on Anna. Even though it feels like I’m eavesdropping, I’m glad to know how in love they are. And Kris is so impatient, it’s beyond cute.

Finally, Anna pokes her head out the door. “Ready?”

She opens the door so only Kris could see, only he doesn’t say anything.

“Kris? How does it look?”

“Uhhhhhh…”

“Kris?”

“Uhhhhh…”

“Kris!”

He rolls her around and closes the door.

Honeymaren rolls her eyes, but I giggle. I’m so happy for Anna that she found someone that appreciates her.

“Kris! I want to show everyone else,” we hear from behind the door. Then some giggles and grumbling, then the door pops open.

We’re all speechless as she walks back towards the living room, but she trips and falls backwards and Kris catches her. They’re both laughing and she realizes what happened, so she pulls at her outer layer just slightly and Kris falls back, too. Apparently he was standing on it, and that’s why she lost balance. Now he’s flat on his back and he’s laughing like crazy, and she’s crouched over him to make sure he’s ok. He probably can’t bounce back as quickly as she can.

“I told you I wanted to see the day you fell over and I could laugh with you. Well, today’s that day!”

“Yeah, well, I had no idea how dangerous that dress was. Want me to take it back?”

“No!” She stood up, so serious for a second. “I’m never taking it off!”

“Really? Never?” he says as he sits up. He’s both proud and disappointed. “Maybe every once in a while? Like to shower?”

“I’m wearing it in the shower.”

We all laugh at this adorable scene. Sven and Ryder are rolling on the floor, Olaf is jumping on the couch, and even HM has a small smile she’s trying to hide.

“So, I guess you like it then?”

*****

~ Kris ~

“Ok, Ok! Come on! Let’s get started!”

We all gathered in the living room, and there’s a pile of presents on top of the table HM hates.

“So… maybe I’ll just grab a present from the stack and we can just go one at a time. And then you have to guess who it’s from,” Olaf instructs.

“And every wrong guess means you take a shot, yeah?” Anna’s already pouring a couple of shots in preparation.

I really hope I guess mine on the first try, because I really don’t want her to drink me under the table in front of everyone.

“Ok, first, this one’s for Anna.”

Oh, sh*t. I can’t wait to see the look on her face. She doesn’t say anything, just takes a shot and looks at me.

“Kris!?” I can’t hold it in anymore. Maybe someone came to me asking for advice on what to get Anna. And maybe I told them she needed new fishnets. And maybe now she has a new pair of fishnets. And maybe she’ll let me cut them off of her again. Probably not, but a guy can fantasize, can’t he?

“It wasn’t me. I don’t know anything about it.”

Everyone else is so confused because of the inside joke. Even the person that gave them to her doesn’t get it.

“I think she knows, dude,” says Ryder.

"Knows what?" asks Sven.

“That the gift's not from Kris. That's why she took the shot before she said his name name.”

“Aren’t I a good decoy for the real gift-giver, though? You guys don’t know what to think.”

~ Anna ~

“Hmmm…” Who would go to Kris for advice on what to give me…. So not Elsa, for sure. And HM would have gone to Elsa. And she never would have given me tights. It has to be Olaf, Sven, or Ryder. I really don’t think Kris would tell Ryder or Sven to get the girl he’s sleeping with anything so sexy, especially since I know he’s already thinking about ripping them off of me….

“Olaf. Thank you, Olaf!” I give him a hug, and Kris looks shocked. I wink at him and smile. Then I reach into the pile of gifts on the table to pull one out. I see mine, and I leave it. That would be too obvious. Here’s a pretty box, wrapped perfectly, in snowflake wrapping paper. I know right away it’s from Elsa.

“This is for Sven!”

~ Elsa ~

I’m on pins and needles. What if he doesn’t like it? What if he thinks it’s stupid? What if it doesn’t fit???

He’s unwrapping it so carefully and it’s taking forever. Just rip it open, man!

I watch his face carefully, and he’s so excited. He holds them up and just touches them. Then he slips his hands into the bright red stretch lace gloves. He’s complimented every pair I’ve ever worn, and we talked about them at the thrift store. And I took his measurements in his sleep, which was so much easier to do than I thought it would be. The lady I usually order my gloves from was able to make them in a rush, she was more than happy to help when I explained the situation. They were kind of expensive, but look how happy he is? And sadly, it is probably really hard for a 6’ something man to find such nice opera length gloves anywhere.

“Ohmygod Elsa!!!”

Wow, that is a lot of man on top of me.

“You’re welcome, Sven.” I pat his back while he kisses me a thousand times.

“Enough!” Fortunately Honeymaren pushes him off of me. I love that he loved the gloves, and I love that he felt comfortable with me like that, but he was hurting me and suffocating me. Just a little.

“Ok! Next… this one!”

Sven hands me a plain white envelope with my name written in crayon. Inside is a snowy dewdrop flower, pressed between a folded up piece of white printer paper with a handwritten note.

Save the date - Friday @ 11 am

~ Ryder

"Ryder? What's this?" I'm already excited. I have been wanting to get to know him better.

"It's you and me, girl. We're gonna have us a par-tay while everyone else is a-play. Ok?"

I can't help but smile at how adorable he is. "Ok, but I wish it was today!"

The huge smile on Ryder's face tells me we're gonna be good friends.

"Ok, next is... HM!"

~ HM ~

Well, this looks like a CD… who would get me a CD, and what would it be?

“Carmen. With Nora Silva and the Arendelle Opera House. Anna?”

She nods, and I look at Elsa. She’s in shock.

“Is this your mom?”

“Yup!”

Holy sh*t. I never even considered she’d have a different last name than them. But a lot of opera singers keep their maiden names if they get married after they start their careers.

“You’re never going to believe this, but… I actually took a master class with her.”

“Whoa!”

“Really?”

“It’s true. She came to North Mountain to perform a run of something… I can’t remember what it was. And all the students got to work with the cast. So I actually had four lessons with Nora, your mom.”

“What was it like?” asks Olaf.

“She was amazing. Actually, Elsa’s a lot like her. But I’ll never forget the advice she gave me. She told me never to do anything unless I’m 100% into it. I quit the conservatory at the end of that semester and never looked back. At least partly because of your mom’s advice.”

I should have put this together when Anna told me she was an opera singer. I can’t believe I didn’t even ask who it was. But this is an incredible gift. And it feels amazing that Anna wants me to be this close to Elsa.

I know she’s still kinda pissed at me because of what I said to Kris, and really, that only makes me like her more. It was a sh*tty thing to say, and I messed up their time together. But I hope we can work past it.

I don’t do this often, but I stand up to give her a hug. She actually hugs me back! Maybe this means she’s forgiven me. The guys are all silent, but I can see Elsa’s pleased.

“Ok. Hmmm.. Next up… is… whoa, this is a big one… Ryder. Here you go!”

~ Anna ~

I’m so glad HM liked the CD. I really didn’t even know it would be as meaningful as it was. How crazy that she actually met her! Knowing that, plus her hug, I think I’ve forgiven her. Sort of. She’s on probation.

I don’t even have to look to my left to know that Kris is staring at the floor and trying not to blush. Because he just gave Ryder a guitar. It looks like he got it from a pawn shop or something, but Ryder’s so excited.

“HM?”

“Shot!”

“Kris? Did you get me a guitar?”

“Actually, HM and I went in on it together. She drew my name and when I was asking her what to get you, she suggested we just both get you a guitar.”

Ok, I’ve officially forgiven HM. This is really cool.

“This is… this is so cool. I don’t even know what to say.”

“You already know how to play.”

“I’m learning, actually!”

“Oooh! Maybe now you can talk to girls. And if they don’t want to f*ck you, they’ll f*ck your guitar, right Kris?”

Oh, is this why Sven always thinks I’m interested in Kris’ guitar?

Kris throws a wadded up piece of wrapping paper at him. “Don’t be an asshole.”

I guess he’s embarrassed, look at how he’s blushing and he keeps darting his eyes at me. I can’t stand to see him suffer like that, so I sit in his lap. Not in a suggestive way, just like cuddling. And I whisper in his ear, “I don’t want to f*ck your guitar, but I really like it when you play me like one.”

“Well, I guess I know what we’re doing tonight,” he whispers back as he moves my hair out of the way.

“If you two are quite done?” asks Ryder.

“Oh, sorry, man.”

“You’re cool. You just gave me a guitar. What do you have to say for yourself, young lady?”

“What? My man’s pretty awesome and I just felt like letting him know, yeah?”

Everyone’s quiet. What the hell? What did I say?

“Your man, huh?” asks Kris. Oh, f*ck sh*t f*ck co*cksucker motherf*cker what the f*ck Anna you f*cking idiot. I let myself get wrapped up in the fantasy, and the smoke’s gonna blow in four days when I have to go home and Kris has to go back on tour. He would be my man, he so definitely would, if we lived in the same city. But we don’t, and we won’t. So he’s only my man for another four days. I can’t say that here, now, in front of everyone, though.

“Yeah, I guess.” I’m such an awful person.

“Ok, last one,” says Ryder. It’s no surprise that it’s for Olaf. And by process of elimination it’s from Sven. This should be interesting. Olaf pretty much hasn’t spoken to Sven since that incident. It looks like it was wrapped by a 5 year old. It’s so cute. The box is about the size of a tie box, and there’s two things in it. A carrot, and some lube? But it looks like the lube has been half used. He couldn’t even get a new bottle of lube? Wait, that’s the brand Kris buys. Is that our bottle of lube??? I would not at all be surprised if Kris just gave that to him.

If I hadn’t already backed myself into a corner I didn’t want to be in, I would definitely be making some stink eyes at “my man” for sharing our lube with his friend. Sven just basically told Olaf to go f*ck himself, with our lube. I am not ok with this. Look at Olaf, he looks so hurt. But wait, Sven looks hurt, too. And Kris f*cking knows what’s going on. He’s smirking! I know he’s basically a child, but he can’t possibly find this funny.

“Thanks, Sven,” Olaf says, somewhat dejected. Then he takes a shot and washes it down with a wine cooler he chugs. “I guess I’ll just be in the bathroom.”

He’s such a little Eeyore, and I’m shooting daggers at Sven, which is hard, because he looks like he’s the one that was hurt.

“Wait, Olaf. Wait. Read the card.”

“For later.” Olaf suddenly understands the gift. He looks like he’s going to melt from happiness, and Sven finally looks content.

“Is now later? Brrrr!” He shuffles away onto the tour bus, which is parked across the street, and Sven follows him, trying to be cool about it at first, but then breaking into a jog.

I look back at Kris, whose lap I’m still on. f*ck. Now we have to have this talk. We weren’t supposed to do this until our last night here. Not when we’re only f*cking halfway through. This is going to f*cking suck and I already hate myself for breaking Kris’ heart, especially after I just got his hopes up.

*****

~ Kris ~

“Hey, Anna. Come here.”

“Kris-”

“You don’t have a kiss for your man?”

The entire bottom part of my body is on fire. How could she want to stay away from me right now?

“It’s just… we need to talk, Kris.”

f*ck. How did this go from being so right, with her on my lap, telling me how she wants me to touch her and her calling me “her man” to needing to talk? I’m sure she’ll explain it, but it doesn’t sound like I’m going to like it very much.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s- ugh. This is so hard to say.”

Please don’t make me sleep on the couch. I just want to spend as much time with you as I can. I’ll do whatever you need for me to earn your forgiveness for whatever I did or didn’t do. Please don’t send me away.

“It’s just-”

She’s pacing along the side of the bed, trying to gather her thoughts, tussling her hair. She’s nervous and cute. I don’t interrupt her because she doesn’t need any help breaking my heart. If she’s gonna do that, I’m definitely not going to help her out.

“Kris- ugh I really like you, yeah? I mean, I care about you a lot.”

Ok, so far so good… feels like there’s a but...

“You know how I feel about long distance, though, right?”

f*ck. She is breaking up with me. We’re not even together and she’s breaking up with me.

“Yeah, I know you don’t like it.”

“But see, the thing is, your next show in Arendelle is when?”

“I think about three months.”

Her wheels are turning. I wish I knew what she was thinking.

“Three months. That’s not that long, right?”

“Depends…”

This doesn’t feel like a break-up talk anymore… Not sure what it is, but it doesn’t feel that way.

“I want to… ughhhh… I want to try doing the long distance thing, just until you come back to Arendelle. To see if it works. Yeah?”

What the f*ck? That’s not at all where I thought this was going, but I’m definitely happy about it.

“Is it really what you want?” I hold on to the back of her thighs and she finally stops squirming.

“It’s not, but you make me so happy, and I want to be with you. And after actually being with you, I just want to be with you more. I want to think of you as mine. I want to wake up to your stupid face every morning.”

“So what are you saying?”

“Damn it, Kris! Why do you always have to make things so hard? I just told you how I feel. Can’t you just like fill in the f*cking blanks? Or maybe even say how you feel?”

She made that too easy. It’s probably not the right time for it, but…

“You’re the one making things hard.”

She’s rolling her eyes already. This is fun.

“And it’s really quite simple. You like me and you want to be with me. You want to try it out for a few months to see if it works. Yes. I’m in. That’s what I want. I want to be in a long distance relationship with you. Things went ok for the last month didn’t they?”

“Yeah, but it wasn’t for as long. And I knew we were going to be together for two weeks. This is three months and then a few days.”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, you can break up with me whenever you want. You don’t have to wait three months.”

“Kris. I don’t want to break up with you. It’s the opposite. I want more of you. I want all of you.”

There are so many things I think to say in the moment, but it doesn’t really seem necessary. How Anna’s making it hard, how she can have all of him…

But she already has all of me. Right now, physically, but also in general. I’m so in love with her, and for the first time, it feels like maybe she loves me back.

Chapter 13: Dress and Tie

Chapter Text

~ Elsa ~

“Morning, Honey. Time to wake up.” I say it in a cute sing-song voice.

She pops one eye open and looks skeptical. “What are you doing up so early, Old Blue Eyes?”

“Well, Ryder and I are going to be out most of the day for my Secret Marshmallow surprise, and I wanted to make sure I got to spend some time with you. You have the gig tonight, so it doesn’t leave a lot of time… and we’re only here for a few more days. And then I’m gonna miss you so much.”

I move my hand along her body and between her mounds. I’m both envious and turned on by how stacked she is. Her breasts are the perfect size and I can’t get enough of them. She says she likes mine, too, but I’m not so sure she isn’t just saying that. But then again, if she is just saying it, it’s because she loves me. I can’t be too upset about that. I'm just glad that I get to play with hers.

Once I’ve properly woken her up, I ask her, “So what are Ryder and I doing today anyway?”

“I can’t tell you that! It’ll ruin the surprise.”

“Does Anna know?”

“She’s not going to say anything. You’ll just have to wait and be surprised!” she boops my nose as she says it and then kisses it on her way to make coffee.

*****

~ Anna ~

“So are you ready for tonight?”

“Now that I have this really cool super hero dress, I’m ready for anything!”

“You know, we don’t go on for another 16 hours or so.”

“I know, but I just wanted to wear it some more.” I’m having some trouble with the zipper at the hip. I pout when I can’t get it to go up all the way. “I really like it.”

Kris, who made it far enough to put on jeans but not far enough to put on a shirt… oh god, that look is sooo working for him. He should never wear shirts. Ever. His brown and silver swirls dance so gracefully around his nipples and his navel. And just the exact right amount of pudge in exactly the right places. Why is he so far away? All I want to do is squeeze his pudge!

I’m standing on the bed now, trying to get the zipper up, and he’s looking at me all sexy and he just looks at me the entire time he walks around the bed to help me with the zipper. Only he doesn’t help. He pulls it down, peering up at me from around my back, probably daring me to stop him. I’m definitely not going to. There's only one thing in this world that could make this dress leave my body one way, and that’s Kris’ hand. He lowers the zipper so slowly, and now I can't wait to get this thing off of me. Annoyingly slow. I shrug my shoulders up expecting him to pull down the top so I can take the dress off completely. Nope! It’s like he forgot about the part of my body above my waist entirely. He’s got the long over layer over his head, and he’s touching and kissing my legs all over. He really likes my legs. And I haven’t even shaved the entire time I’ve been in North Mountain. Well, I shaved below the knee once. Not that I was planning to anyway, though I also wasn't planning not to, but he actually asked me not to shave above the knee. Obviously things aren’t going to work out with me and Kris. At least not in a living happily ever after together kind of way. But... ugh... Three more days just isn't enough.

The skirt part isn’t all that stretchy, but he’s managed to push it above my hips.

“sh*t, Anna.”

“What? What’s wrong?”

“There are so many things I want to do to your ass right now, but all I can do is just look at it because it’s so perfect. I’m honestly just in awe and I don’t know where to start.”

Awww. Have I ever heard a better compliment about my ass before? No, and I never will again. Point, Kris.

“I know what you can do to it.” I slowly step out of my panties, a thong, which is partly why he was admiring me the way he was. He helps me balance as I step out of them. Then I get onto my knees and his gasp makes me wetter than his compliment, which is saying something. Instead of just waiting for him to get everything he needs I start rubbing myself. I don’t do those fake moans I think guys expect women to do, like in p*rn. I tell him how sexy he is and how much I want him, and all of it is real and true.

And then… f*ck… what is he doing to my hips? He’s a lot in general, but I’m so tight like this that he feels even bigger than usual. He's stretching me out and it hurts so f*cking good...

“Oh, Kris… f*ck.. Oh, sh*t, Kris, I’m c-”

Bang bang bang.

“Wrap it up kids. We have rehearsal now!”

f*cking HM.

Kris slows down. “Don’t you dare stop!” I tell him and he picks up to his previous tempo.

“Kris, you’re so amazing. You’re so f*cking handsome and you’re… body… is like wh...isk...y.”

“Yeah? Are you drunk yet?”

“I’m so drunk, but I just need one more…. Shot!”

Kris finishes just after me, and I can feel him throbbing against my aftershocks. I'm really trying to think of any reason why I shouldn't get swept up by him, anything to spare myself of the pain I'll inevitably face when this goes south. But nothing comes to mind. There isn't anything.

It’s obvious to me now that if I had had sex with Kris before I had sex with Hans, I never would have even thought twice about Hans.

He flops onto the mattress next to me, and there’s just a little glisten along his brow line so I swipe my thumb across it to dry him off.

“I guess you like this dress, too.”

“Well, I bought it for you, didn’t I? Besides, it was pretty much made for you. Whoever had it before probably tried it on at home before wearing it and decided to give it away because the dress didn’t want to be worn by anyone other than you.”

“Awww, that would be cool, wouldn’t it?”

“We should probably get dressed before we make HM even more upset.”

We both giggle a little, but if Kris’ dick hadn’t been inside of me already and so close to an org*sm, I would have said we could get back to that later and go rehearse. Also, we didn’t have a definite start time for rehearsal. Usually they just rehearse whenever HM says it’s time. It’s her band, makes sense. But not when I’m creaming all over Kris. And I’m pretty sure she knew that’s what was happening, because I don’t think we were particularly quiet.

But I’m just gonna let it all go because I’m so relaxed now, and I’m still drunk on Kris. And I just wanna play some cheesy holiday classics.

*****

~ Elsa ~

“I really just don’t understand. What is taking them so long?”

“Honey, just relax. I’m sure they’ll be out in just a minute. Remember how they only get so much time together like we do?”

Honeymaren relaxes and blows air up her bangs.

“But they had all morning to do whatever to each other and he picks five minutes before rehearsal starts to start banging her.” She doesn’t really mean it, she just wants to whine, and her pout would be so sexy if she weren’t talking about my sister.

“Hey, that’s my sister you’re talking about.”

“Sorry. I guess I’m just nervous about this rehearsal. I really want to be professional and make it up to Anna.”

“It’s gonna be great. You’ll see. Anna loves playing with you guys.”

As if on cue, Anna and Kris come out of the bedroom. Her hair’s so cutely disheveled and I’m glad she found clothes that aren’t the dress Kris gave her. I can’t wait for her to see him in that tie. He has no idea the favor I did for him.

“Looks like they’re about to start. Ready for our adventure?” Ryder holds out his arm for me and we head out for a nice walk around the town. He points out all the landmarks to me and tells me funny stories about him and Honeymaren from when he was a kid. I try to share with him some of my happiest memories, and ask questions about Honeymaren as a kid. He’s so easy to talk to.

“Are you enjoying the sight-seeing?”

“Yes, you’re the best tour guide!”

“Good. But this is only part one of our three part adventure. Ready for part two?”

I wouldn’t be sad if part one lasted longer, but I am eager to find out what else he has in store for us.

“This here is one of the largest urban botanical gardens in the country. They have all sorts of flowers from all over the planet. Some that were engineered just for these gardens.”

“Wow, Ryder, this really is spectacular.”

We wander aimlessly around the garden, smelling everything we can, watching the butterflies come and go. And then Ryder pulls out a couple of plastic bags from his pocket and we each feed stale bread pieces to the swans and ducks in the pond in the center of the garden.

“I used to come here all the time, you know, before. It’s my favorite place in the whole city. Probably the whole planet. And I haven’t been back here since before I, well, before. And that’s why I wanted to bring you here. I got the feeling that you’d appreciate this more than any of the others. I think I was right.”

“You were, Ryder. I’m totally blown away. Thank you so much for letting me share your special place.”

He’s blushing? So cute.

“Anyway, that brings us to part three, which was really more for you. We can look at the rest of the garden after. Ok, just go sit over there and I’ll be right back.”

What is this place? It looks like a brick clock tower. Oh, is someone climbing the stairs? Maybe we’re going to climb to the top.

“HM gave me a couple of bucks to buy you some ice cream. She said chocolate. Right?”

“Yeah. Oh, that’s so sweet.”

I’m gonna have to take my gloves off to eat this. Don’t be weird, Elsa. I’ve tried eating ice cream with gloves and it’s not good.

I quickly remove them and take the ice cream. “Oh, gosh, Ryder, this is good!” He’s got a cute chocolate mustache all around his mouth. Why are all these guys so cute! It’s seriously too much cuteness for one house.

“So, every day at 12:00 pm, a lady climbs those stairs on the other side of that tower and…”

He holds his hand up as though he’s waiting for something to happen.

And then it does.

“Oh, Ryder, a carillon!? I’ve never gotten to hear one live before. We don’t have one in Arendelle for some reason.”

We lean back and take in the music. She’s playing a lot of the Winter Holiday classics Anna’s probably working on at the moment with Honeymaren. Ryder actually falls asleep in the middle of the performance, but to be fair, it’s really just some disembodied sounds. It’s hard to focus on if you aren’t trained for it. He wakes up suddenly when it finally ends, though, and immediately starts clapping, which makes me laugh and I start clapping, too.

He asks if I want to go up there, but it looks like we’re not allowed, and I really don’t want to put him in a situation where he might get arrested again. Because of his being Ahtohallan, and his criminal record, that, sadly, is not out of the realm of possibility. That’s also when I realize I’m still not wearing my gloves. I was outside, lying on the lawn, for a full hour without any gloves on. Instead of putting them back on, I tuck them into my purse and let Ryder continue as tour guide to the rest of the garden. We pause to look at a rare and exotic lily before he leads me back to the house.

I love Honeymaren. For sure. But I’m starting to love the Reindeer Herders, too. Ryder’s a Reindeer Herder, even if he isn’t in the band. I love them all!

*****

~ Kris ~

Anna looks so f*cking hot in that dress. I can’t decide if I want to take her out of it or keep looking at her wearing it. Looking. There isn’t enough time for the other. We already had sex this morning, so I’m pretty sure it would take a lot longer than we have to, um. Well. It f*cking sucks getting older, doesn’t it?

I can’t believe Elsa made me get this stupid tie. I know it’s a fancier show, but we’re a f*cking punk band. Ties are kind of anti. She was right about the dress, though. I still can’t f*cking believe how well that went. I don’t think I’ve ever given a gift that’s been quite so appreciated. Oh no. What am I gonna do the next time it’s time to give her a gift. When’s her birthday anyway? Did I miss it? Is it this week? Or next? Probably not. No. Elsa would have said.

It’s been so goddamn long since I had to tie a tie… I’ve got a YouTube video pulled up to silent so Anna doesn’t hear.

“Ugh!!!” I all but rip it off and start stomping.

“Oh, Kris, are you having a tantrum?” I can hear her adorable pout as she’s teasing me.

What the hell. “Can you help me?”

Anna sucks in a long “aaaaaaahhhhh” when I turn towards her.

“Anna?”

She’s still going.

“Anna.”

“Kris, you’re so f*cking hot.”

“Oh.” I just don’t understand how she is happening to me. It would be more than enough for her to just be that cool and beautiful and here. At this point, my ego has a hard on for her, too. And she says stuff like that all the time. She makes me feel so wanted and attractive. I just really want to keep her and never let go. Three days just isn't enough.

“Here. I can help.”

She must have had to do this before. For other boyfriends? Not for Hans. He probably did his own.

“Elsa told me I needed a tie.”

“She was right. You absolutely do need a tie. Oh, let me see this shirt.”

She’s touching me all over. She’s tickling me a little. Oh, she’s basically undressing me with her eyes. I’m pretty sure it won’t take me as long if we get started right now, but it would probably still be too long. It’ll be a slow build throughout the evening, and god I hope Anna won’t be too tired.

She holds the tie up so I crash into her and her wet mouth feels so good. And he tongue pokes in just barely, but it’s not enough. I grab onto her head with both hands and… ok, that’s definitely too much.

“So… we didn’t really talk about this at all, but this whole long distance relationship thing…”

Please don’t tell me she doesn’t want to do it anymore… She might as well just f*cking strangle me with the tie.

“...Kind of implies exclusivity, yeah?”

“I really don’t want to be with anyone else and I really don’t want you to be with anyone else.” It’s honestly laughable that she thinks I could even think about being with anyone other than her.

“Ok, just wanted to make sure. Because I’m pretty sure there will be some girls throwing their guitar picks at you tonight.”

“I’m literally dressed to match you so... that’s not going to happen.”

“You never know.” She raises her shoulder up to her chin and winks as she says it.

I can’t believe how right Elsa was right about the tie.

I love playing with Anna. She’s beautiful and vibrant and that’s what she sounds like, too. I have trouble concentrating on what I’m supposed to play because I’m so entranced by what she’s doing. And that was before she got me all worked up. She wasn’t even trying to but she did. HM’s singing but the whole time my guitar’s making love to Anna’s violin. I’m sure it’s driving HM crazy and she’ll never let Anna play with us again, even though we sound great. I love playing with the Reindeer Herders, but right now I just kinda wish it was just me and Anna. I’ve fallen into her black hole for tonight, but tomorrow I’m gonna have to get a f*cking grip and remember that I’m in a band, not a f*cking duo. Anna backs off to the side of the stage so we can do our biggest hit and most iconic number, “Reindeers are Better than People”. Finally, I can get back into the groove. Hopefully this dynamic lasts when Anna comes in for the next song.

This is actually how we got started, the Reindeer Herders. HM got a gig to play a Winter Holiday office party when she was still in school, and her guitarist dropped out. My band at the time was pretty lame and I didn’t get along with the other guys in the band, we weren’t getting any gigs, it was poorly managed, one of them was always strung out, and they never wanted to rehearse. And I needed to make a living. I had Lyndsay constantly in my ear about how I wasn’t making enough money. So when I saw HM’s flyer, I jumped at the side work. And we got along great, and she has a beautiful, unique voice. And she has a great work ethic, drive, and vision. What turned out to be a one time thing turned into 20 amazing years. Actually, that’s how we got our name. They stupidly brought in a bunch of reindeer to look cute in front of a sleigh, but they got out of the pen. HM and I helped corral them back. So when we went on to play, the guy introduced us as the Reindeer Herders. We both thought it was hilarious, so it stuck. And I stuck. And neither one of us has ever looked back.

As soon as I turned off my guitar I stopped thinking about the band, and my mind focused on Anna again. I definitely want to get her out of that dress. I’ve made up my mind. I was moving so quickly that I almost missed it. What’s that? Someone just threw something at me, and it landed at the bottom of my case. It’s a guitar pick. It’s forest green tortoise shell, and it’s engraved in gold.

Sophisticated

Grace

This has to be from Anna. I flip it over:

❤ ❤ ❤

Anna Darling

❤

Holy sh*t, that’s f*cking cute. She just f*cking threw a guitar pick at me.

She’s over there, putting her violin away, but she’s looking at me and smiling. I love this woman. I tuck the pick into my breast pocket, walk over to her, and whisper a “thank you” in her ear. She turns into me and kisses my neck. I love it when she does that.

“Can I f*ck you?” she breathes onto me and plays with my tie, pulling it just the right amount.

"f*ck. Anna, I'd give anything for you to f*ck me right now. You can do whatever you want to me as long as you f*ck me."

I don't even care if she knows how wrapped around her finger I am. I'm going to have to remind myself not to tell her I love her, like, so many times tonight. Because I do. But I can't say it. I definitely can't say it.

Chapter 14: Don't You Let Him Go

Chapter Text

~ HM ~

I’ve said goodbye to a lot of girlfriends over the past 20 years. It always ends the same, we keep in touch, then it’s too hard or she wants me to stay in one place. And I was always willing to walk away, so easily, because I have to follow my muse and everyone else comes second. This is me, this is who I am, and I have to perform. A lot of them couldn’t handle that. Then there were the ones that couldn’t be faithful or wouldn’t trust me.

But Elsa’s different. She understands how important music is to me, that it is me. And she’s not going to cheat on me. She opened up about something truly personal that she’d only ever told her sister about, and I opened up, too, about something extremely personal that most people can’t understand. But she did. And we said we loved each other. And it just feels different this time. Just so right.

“Hey, Elsa, I have a crazy idea.”

“Crazy? Like fun and adventurous?”

“Yeah. You wanna come with me on the next leg of the tour? It’s only three months til we play Arendelle again. You could get your stuff when we drop Anna off at Arendelle and we could set up your computer and keyboard in my room and you can spend as much time as you need to composing.”

Her eyes are so f*cking huge right now.

“Is that a yes?”

Now she’s on top of me, like a small dog, never able to get in enough licks. It’s never enough licks, is it?

Then she stops. “Anna’s not going to like it.”

“Well, you have to live your life. And it’s just for a few months. She can go without you for a few months, right? It’s not even a few months. It’s 2 ½.”

“You’re right. I’m just gonna let her know, and that’ll be that. Oh! This is so exciting! I was going to miss you so much, but now I don’t have to!”

I stroke her cheek, and damn if she doesn’t have the softest skin. If this works out… if she likes being on tour with me… this could actually work. I really want it to work.

*****

~ Anna ~

It’s so cozy here in Kris’ bunk. Sven is driving the bus and Olaf is sitting up there with him. Oh, they’re so cute together! And Elsa and HM are in HM’s room. So it’s just me and Kris, curled up. We’ll get into Arendelle in about an hour or so, then we’ll have one more night together and then we’ll have our long distance relationship and it’ll be fine. At least I’ll have Elsa. And she’ll be in a long distance relationship, too, so I won’t be alone.

“It’s not even three months. It’s 2 ½.”

I’ve got my legs wrapped around him and I squeeze tighter. I don’t see how he thinks that’s really a comfort to me. It’s still too long. I just really wish he could stay with me. I know he can’t, but…

“How long will you be in Arendelle when you come back?”

“Hmmmhmmm… a… hmm.. couple of nights. Hmmm.”

“Are you getting sick?” I’m not asking out of sympathy. He’s doing that thing again where he avoids confrontation. Sometimes I wonder if he just stopped maturing as soon as he stepped on this tour bus. Like if he hadn’t been on tour for 20 years he might be able to look me in the eye when he told me that for 2 ½ months of patience I’d be rewarded with two days of his company. Not even two days, because he’ll have rehearsals and shows. And I have rehearsals.

“Anna, don’t be mad.” He knows me well enough to know what I mean by that question. “Seriously, we’re gonna talk every day, and I’m gonna send you cute selfies, and maybe you’ll send me some cute and/or sexy pics, you know, whatever you feel like… No pressure.”

“And after those two days? Then what? How long before you’re back and how long will you stay?” I’m panicking a little. Suddenly this sounds so similar to my marriage. I really don’t want things to end with Kris. I really like him, but I just don’t know if I can handle this.

“Hey.” He draws me closer and looks me directly in my eyes. Oh, I want to f*cking melt! How am I going to not be able to see him every day? I don’t know if I can do it! “Hey, it’s going to be ok. Let’s just get through these 2 ½ months and then we can see where we’re at.”

“It’s not like there’s an alternative. There’s no way I could make any money if I go on tour with you. And you can’t be on tour if you stay with me.”

“But eventually we’ll be done with the tour. And we’ll take a break after that.”

“How long?”

“3-6 months? Maybe a year? Depends on how fast we record new material and get everything set up.”

“But then you’ll have to be wherever HM is so you can record.”

“I’m pretty sure that’ll be Arendelle. But even if it’s not, I can be with you whenever I don’t have to be anywhere else. I really want to be with you, Anna. I really want this to work.”

It’s kind of hard to be upset when he says it like that. I agreed to try, and I will. I will give it 100%, as long as Kris does. Because if he doesn’t, then I’m out. We could probably go back to just seeing each other whenever he’s in town. He’s got one shot at this long distance thing, though. I don’t have enough bandwidth for half-assed relationships anymore. I used it all up on Hans. And it’s even worse because I still have to see him almost every day.

Ugh… Maybe I can switch with a violinist in the ballet or opera orchestras. It’d be a promotion for them. I don’t mind making a little less if it means I don’t see Hans every day. Plus, I’ve been doing a lot of session work lately, and I kind of love that. Not enough work to do it full time, though. It is nice to be a working musician with a steady, stable job, with benefits and a retirement plan and all that. You don’t get that from freelancing studio work. And I don’t know. Maybe one day… Ugh, no, it’s so stupid to think like that. Kris has pretty much ruined my life. As long as I'm with him I’ll never be able to have a family. But I'll never be able to be with anyone else either. It's not like I wasn’t ever going to be able to with Hans either so… it’s whatever. Doesn’t matter. It’s just me. I’m on my own. Even if it works out with Kris, I’m still on my own. Most of the time anyway.

“Hey, guys, sorry to disturb, but it really doesn’t seem like I’m disturbing anything. Wait, Anna, you crying?”

“No! f*ck you, Sven!” I climb over Kris and go sit in the shotgun seat since Olaf’s driving now.

“Hey, Girlfriend! How’s it going?” His voice wavers between high and low pitches, meaning he knows something’s up but he’s not really going to ask but he’ll be happy to talk about it if I bring it up.

God f*cking damn it why am I so f*cking complicated!

“We have about another hour to go. I’m glad I get to spend it with you.”

Olaf just has a way. He doesn’t need anything from me, but he appreciates every ounce of friendship I give him.

“Me, too, Olaf. So, we haven’t really had a chance to talk since… the gift exchange? It seems like things are going really well, though… care to serve?”

“Oh, I’ll serve. I’ll carve the turkey if you want.” I’m not completely sure what he means by that, and I’m not sure I want to know. Especially if it means the details of their crazy animal sex somehow involving carrots? Don’t get me wrong, I’d totally watch that p*rn and come so hard from it. But not when it’s my friends. I’m actually pretty curious about that carrot, though. Nope. Nuh-uh. I can live with not knowing.

“Maybe just the platter?”

“Ok. Fair enough. Well, it’s just awesome. Sven is just awesome. You know, he’s just really sweet and thoughtful. Well, you know, most of the time. When he thinks about it. And he’s so funny! I mean, I always knew how funny he was, but I guess I never really got to see the full extent of it. He always does the best voices. His Kris impression is dead on. I’m constantly in stitches with him, and you know how good it feels to laugh.”

“Yeah.” I definitely don’t laugh enough. How much laughing and smiling am I going to do without Kris there? Not a lot. I already know.

“Well, I’m so happy. I think that’s the word for it. After years of pining. And you know what?”

“What?”

“He said he wanted to hook up with me right away, when we first met, but HM scared him into not saying anything because the last bass player we had tried to hook up with HM and there was so much drama. Oh my god, Anna, you have no idea. She was so awful.”

“Good for HM. Not putting up with that sh*t.”

“Yeah, she’s so cool.”

“She is. I’m glad my sister found someone like her. They’re so good together, don’t you think?” I really mean that. I know we butted heads a couple of times, but I have so much respect for her. And no one gets along with everyone all the time. I've moved on. I haven't forgotten, but I'm not dwelling on it. There's so much more good than bad there.

“Yeah, they really balance each other out. And actually, Sven didn't even know I liked him! Can you believe it? I thought it was so f*cking obvious."

"Sometimes it's hard to see what's right in front of your face. I do have a juicier question about Sven, actually, if you don’t mind.”

“Maybe?”

“Wig on or off?”

“Off! Haven’t you seen how gorgeous his hair is? I love him just as he is. Sure those sexy sequin flapper dresses really do it for me, but when it really comes down to it, he’s all I want.”

“Damn, Olaf. Get it.” That’s a much deeper answer than I was expecting, and I’ve never heard Olaf say anything quite so serious before, at least not without a feigned air of haughtiness. He really f*cking means it. He is so deep in love. I can’t say for certain, but I actually think Sven is, too. It’s just so f*cking beautiful and I’m probably going to start crying again if we don’t change the subject. It's a good thing I'm never gonna have a kid because I can't even imagine my emotions being that amped up from hormones when I'm already like this normally.

As if Olaf can read my thoughts, “Ok. How bout some tunes now?”

“Yeah, definitely. Whatcha got?”

Olaf handed me his phone so I could scroll through his playlists. “60s R&B it is!”

We sing along for the next 30 minutes, and Sven chimes in, too.

The only song I don’t sing for is “Don’t You Let Him Go” by Buldena. She is one of my absolute favorite singers. I know all her songs, even her jazz and gospel stuff, but especially her blues work. When she sings with her husband Cliff Stone, my faith in romance is always renewed. It’s just dripping with love and it’s infectious. I’m going to have to listen to that record over and over after Kris leaves. And probably a lot over the next 2 ½ months.

I never even really told Kris how much I like the blues. For whatever reason he doesn’t want me to know about his past. He wants to walk away from it, and I can respect that. Just to hear him talk about his dad, I felt so sad for him. If his dad was a working jazz musician, it might mean there are other musicians in his family. Actually, I'm 99.99% certain his mom must be a musician. At the very least. The way he plays the blues… he had to be born into that. Maybe he just hated that he didn’t get a choice about it. I don't know. Maybe he just likes punk better.

Where is he, anyway? Oh, he’s just there on the couch. Sven’s in his bunk. And he doesn’t know I’m watching him work out a song he’s writing.

Sigh. Look at him. So focused. He’s f*cking brilliant, too, but nobody knows because he doesn’t want them to. He does such a good job of hiding it for whatever reason. Yes, I am going to let him ruin my life and I’m not even going to regret it. Because he’s f*cking worth it. For some reason, it feels like Buldena is singing that song just for me. I hear you, Buldena. I’m not gonna let him go. No f*cking way.

*****

~ Kris ~

Anna’s still sleeping. I really am the biggest f*cking idiot on the planet to be walking away from her. It’s not really like I have a choice, though. I have to go with the band. Not only did I promise, but I signed a f*cking contract the with record label and our management company. So it really doesn’t matter if I would stay. Would I stay, though? If I wasn’t under contract and no one minded if I did? I really love her, but I honestly don’t know and I’m relieved that I don’t have to.

I just don’t know what I’d do for a job if I stayed put. Between tours I usually stay with folks, jam with my step-dad and grandfather, woodshed my scales and modes, write songs, lay down some tracks, stretch my fingers like I can't when I'm on tour and all the guys are there. My step-dad and I built a recording studio in the garage when I was in high school, so sometimes I tinker with old school techniques. But I don’t get paid for any of it. Some of the songwriting turns into something if HM likes it and we work it up together for the band. And then we record and hit the road again.

And I’ve been doing that for 20 years, almost half my life. If I’m really honest about how this is going to end with Anna, I know she’s going to end it with me if she doesn’t think there’s some sort of endgame. She’s never going to give me an ultimatum, and she’s never going to outright ask me to stay. Because she knows who I am and she knows that would be asking me to change something really big about myself and she won't want to change me. What I really want, even though I know it’s never going to happen, is for her to come on tour with me. If she decided to pack up her life and come with me, I’d marry her in a heartbeat. But I really don’t think that’s going to happen. I know it sucks for her, but I really don’t mind having a long distance relationship. She’ll go along with that until she just can’t anymore. Then she’ll just be gone. Hopefully she’ll hang with me at least until we come back to Arendelle. Then we’ll be closer to the end of the tour and we might know plans for after that. When we’re recording, where, if we get more gigs before the next album gets released. Maybe if I can give her some solid, definite numbers and locations she’ll feel better about things. It probably still isn't going to be good enough for her, though.

f*ck. I have a lot to think about over the next 2 1/2 months.

I really need to pee. But there’s no way I’m going to risk Anna waking up and not seeing me here next to her. She’ll be so pissed and then she’ll end things. But it’s starting to hurt… f*ck. Ok, I know. I’ll put my phone, wallet, and keys on the bed. That way she’ll know I’m coming back.

She’s awake when I get back. “Hey, you’re awake. I just had to go to the bathroom.”

She holds up my wallet. “I wanted to make sure you knew I didn’t just leave if you woke up while I was gone.”

“Oh, that’s thoughtful. I wish you didn’t have to leave at all, though.”

“I know, but 2 ½ months is going to go by so quickly. You’ll see. We’ll talk every day and text, as much as you want. If it’s too much, you can just tell me to back off or whatever.”

“Will you actually comment on my Instagram posts every once in a while?”

All those times I was playing it cool because I didn’t think she wanted to hear from me. I smile at myself for being such a f*cking moron. Why did I always think of Anna as this goddess to be worshiped from afar. How could I not have seen how beautifully human and vulnerable she is. I’m such an idiot. All those times I wanted to comment but I held off because… why? Well, that ends now. Anna’s not too cool for me, and she doesn't think I'm too old for her. She likes me and she actually wants to hear from me.

“Yeah. I’ll do my best to check more regularly so I can see what you post.”

She’s smiling… that’s a good sign.

“So you still ok with the whole long distance thing?”

“Hmmm. 'Ok' isn’t exactly the right word. But I’m going to go along with it. And when you come back to Arendelle we can reassess, like you said. But I promise to stick with it as much as I can. 2 ½ months. I think I can do that.”

Don’t tell her you love her. Just don’t.

“I… I know it’s not what you want. But it’s the best I can do right now.”

“I know, Kris. And I really care about you, and I want to be with you. So I’m giving this a shot.”

“It’s not gonna be that hard. You’ll see.” All I want right now is her head on my chest, which is where she puts it. She knows me so f*cking well. I don’t even need to have sex with her this morning.

"Oh, I think it's going to be really hard."

Unless she keeps touching me like that, right there. Ok. Yeah, she's right. That is hard. Now I need to have sex with her.

*****

~ Elsa ~

I cannot believe I’m going on tour with Honeymaren the other Reindeer Herders! I’ve never done anything like this before. If you asked me five years ago if I’d live on a tour bus with an amazing and gorgeous opera turned punk singer, I might have laughed. What do I pack for this? I don’t even know. It’s 2 ½ months, but it’s a tour bus and there won’t be a lot of room, especially after my computer and keyboard get set up. Honeymaren said she and Sven would take care of that for me while I pack.

Knock, knock, knock

“Hey, Elsa, can I come in?”

“Oh, hi, Anna! Yeah, of course. I’m just trying to pack.”

"Maybe I can help." She’s not overly excited, which is understandable. Her stupid-face ex that thinks he’s some kind of 19th century composer with his stupid hair left her alone all the time. Not just physically alone, but emotionally. This person that she put all her faith in disappointed her over and over. When she finally left, it was so she could take care of me. And he didn’t even try to get her back. So she went from having no one to having just me. And she’s got this huge chip on her shoulder now and she pushes people away because she’s so afraid of being hurt again. She was finally starting to go back to the person she was before she met Hans. She was fun and light-hearted back then. She was always opinionated and spoke her mind freely, many times when it was completely inappropriate to do so. She was always laughing, and she always laughed at herself when she did something silly. I haven’t seen her really be herself like that, her pre-Hans self, her real self, until the past two weeks in North Mountain. I don’t want to say it’s Kris’ doing. Because it’s Anna’s doing. Because she feels safe with him. And the reward she gets for being herself around him is him loving her even more for it. She’s actually happy, or she has been for the past couple of weeks.

Now she’s sad again, though. Because he’s leaving. And I’m leaving. And she’s going to feel so alone.

She picks out a few things for me to choose from. It’s too much to fit into the suitcase, so I’m definitely going to have to narrow it down a little.

“I’m so glad you’re doing this, Elsa. HM makes you happy and look at you! Going on a grand adventure! Who is this chick and what have you done with my sister?”

She’s happy for me, and she’s making jokes so I don’t see how sad and scared she is. That’s ok. Honeymaren was right. I can’t live my life trying to make someone else happy, even if it’s the person I love most in the world. I have to do what’s right for me. And Anna understands that.

“Well, I’m sure you can always borrow clothes from HM if you need to.”

“Anna,” I laugh. “You’ve seen her breasts, right?”

Now Anna joins in. “You’re a lucky lady!”

“I really am.” Not just because of her breasts, though. Or because she looks a little bit like Xena. Because she’s exceptional. I could name all the things I like about her, she’s strong and fierce and understanding. I really could go on all day. But I love her so much, she makes me want to do something so adventurous and brave. I guess she does for me what Kris does for Anna.

“Oh, wait! I’ll be right back.” Anna returns with that outfit I wore the first time we went to see the Reindeer Herders.

“Your girlfriend is a punk singer, and you’re going on tour with her. You have to have something hot to wear for her shows. So there’s this that you wore that first time, but here’s a couple of other skirts and tops. They’re all really small so they won’t take up any space in your suitcase.”

“You’re right. There’s not much here.”

“Why don’t you just pack them, and then let HM decide if it’s not enough,” she winks.

Oooooh, devious. That’s what I said to Kris about the tie. Fair enough. Point, Anna.

*****

~ Anna ~

The apartment seems so empty. All of Elsa’s stuff is still here, all of my stuff’s still here. I’m still here. But I’m alone. I pour my glass of whiskey, put Buldena on, and I cry. Don't you let him go, right? Only he's gone anyway. The whiskey’s like drinking Kris. I’m going to be drinking a lot over the next 2 ½ months. Not because I’m an alcoholic or I’m trying to drown my feelings, but because it’s gonna make me feel close to Kris.

Ding ding

It’s Kris.

Damn it, this f*cking smile that I don’t want to grow on my face…

K: Sven just put on some Bikini Kill and it made me think of my Rebel Girl

My cheeks are warm now. Must be the whiskey.

A: I miss you, too

This f*cking smile is a f*cking grin now, and I'm cackling! CACKLING!!! And I can't f*cking stop!

I really f*cking miss him. I’m gonna switch the music to Grand Pabbie. He reminds me of Kris but he isn’t going to give me relationship advice like Buldena does. That, there. That’s how Kris does his VI-II resolutions! I noticed it that time we actually jammed on some 12 bar blues. It doesn’t really come up in blues that often. Not that I'm some kind of expert or anything. It’s kind of like extra credit. You have to really know what you’re doing to throw that in. And it’s so f*cking incorrect. My keyboard teacher at the conservatory would have failed me for resolving my chords that way. But it f*cking works. What’s even more impressive is that Kris doesn’t really read music. I’m used to just playing a melody. I can hear where the progression is going, at least enough to know what note to play, or tell you what happened, but to do all those chord changes, that kind of blows my mind. I’m sure Elsa can do that, too, but she always writes stuff down. But you have to know all the notes and adjust for all of them when you play guitar. I guess when you grow up doing it and then you do it as long as Kris has been doing it, you get pretty good at it. It’s not the kind of thing you’re born with, but if you learn it from a young age it kind of seems like it. Still, he had to practice a LOT to be that comfortable with those chord changes. Especially since he doesn’t play that kind of music a lot now. I know he probably didn't practice as much as he usually does over the past two weeks so he could spend more time with me. It's more than that, though. He doesn't want the Reindeer Herders to know.

I grew up with music, my mom was an opera singer, like a soloist. I heard it every day, heard her practice, went to her operas. But there’s no way I’d be in the first violin section (in the back, but still) of the best symphony orchestra in the country if I didn’t work my ass off by practicing for at least three - four hours a day, and I practiced even more than that when I was in college and at the conservatory (back down to three now that I actually got the gig! Haha!). I didn’t have much of a life back then. Beethoven and Tchaikovsky and Stravisnky were my life. Then I thought Hans was my life. In those five years after we were married and before he moved to Arendelle, that’s when I opened my eyes and ears to other things. I already had this sweet gig, which I still don’t know how I managed. Elsa said I deserved it, though, and she would know. Hans was jealous that they hired me and said it was because of how I looked, which I really doubt. Anyway, the point is that I had to work really f*cking hard, nearly every day for 30 years to get where I am. And Kris had to work that hard, too, only he didn’t do it so he could get a 401K. He did it because he loved it.

I can’t believe Elsa made me go to that show with her.

Now I have this really amazing boyfriend that… f*ck. Kris is my boyfriend . And it was my f*cking idea! I asked him to be my boyfriend. What the f*ck?

It’s ok, it’s fine. And he had the guitar pick I gave him in his wallet - I felt the indentation on the back like where he had that almost expired condom he used that first night. It's just not f*cking fair, is it?

I miss him. But it’s fine. I'll finish off the whiskey and pick up my violin. Instead of that sonata I was working on for funsies, hoping that maybe Elsa would play it with me for some sisterly bonding, I set the fake book on the stand. Everything’s dog-eared and marked up. I’ve been playing Irish music almost as long as I was married to Hans. I walked into Oaken’s for a pint after rehearsal one day and the guys were playing. They invited me to play with them. And I was heartbroken that Hans wasn't going to be able to come see me that weekend, but I completely forgot about it by the end of the session.

That first song I sat in on, “John Ryan’s Polka”, is still my favorite. That’s what I turn to now. I play through several times, doing percussion, marked the chords, sang it through a few times, even turned my keyboard on to see if I could muddle through the chords. It doesn't come easily and I'm frustrated so I'll just move back to the violin. This feels good. "John Ryan's Polka" on my violin. This is right. I never feel this good playing Elgar or Grieg. This is me.

A: Hey guys, you wanna come over tomorrow for an impromptu session at my place?

Declan: Hell yeah, I’ll bring beer

Sean: Do you mind if I bring my daughter? She does sean-nos but I can’t ever bring her to the bar

A: Awesome! Dancer or singer?

S: She does both.

Liam: I’m so in!

Marky: Yes, ma’am, can’t wait

I pour myself another drink and put the Dubliners on now. Oh! Forgot to ask Matt.

Matt: Is Declan going?

A: Yeah

M: Maybe I can bring my bass instead?

A: Ok, now it’s a party! Sean's daughter is coming to sean-nos with us!

M: Oh, it is definitely a party!

Maybe Kris was right. This is what I really want to do.

Chapter 15: Two Months, Two Weeks, Two Days...

Chapter Text

~ Elsa ~

Being on the road is really hard. It’s a lot harder than I imagined, and way less glamorous. And it’s hard to concentrate. I can’t really write while we’re driving, and it’s really loud when they rehearse, which they do almost every day for at least an hour or two. And then there’s Honeymaren. We can’t keep our hands off each other. In the end, I end up working only two hours per day, on average when I’m used to putting in 12 hours a day. Truthfully, I’d be ok with it if I didn’t have a looming deadline.

I’ve been working on scoring a ballet for the Living Rock Ballet Company to perform later this year. That means I have to have the music done in the next six months so the choreographer can start working on it. And then the company’s going to need time to learn it. Yeah, I really need to get on it.

Despite having so much inspiration at my fingertips, literally, it’s still hard to work. The LRBC gave me some parameters. It’s about two lovers whose love mends a rift between nations. Since most of the people that live in Living Rock are actually Ahtohallan, they want to incorporate some elements of Ahtohallan music and dance. So basically a lot of Arendellian and Ahtohallan folk music. I'm really excited about this project because I haven't really ever worked with folk music before, at least not on this scale. That string quartet I wrote for Queen Iduna's birthday incorporated a lot of Arendellian folk themes, so I think that's why they chose me for this ballet. Also on the plus side, it turns out that Honeymaren used to be really involved at the Enchanted Forest Shrine in North Mountain, and she knows all about Ahtohallan music. I'm so lucky to have her as a resource because there's only so much you can learn from books and there were so many ways I was gonna get it wrong without her guidance. She's taught me so many songs already and and how to do the vocal inflections which I've done my best to have the strings imitate. She likes the way it sounds anyway. I love working with her like that. I actually spend most of my time working on the Ahtohallan bits and Honeymaren offers her opinions on what I write, and I listen to her. She knows what she’s talking about, but she also offer’s a performer’s perspective, which I definitely do not have.

How many years had I given solo piano recitals with such severe performance anxiety I had trouble even controlling my fingers? It was always better when I accompanied Anna. I love playing with Anna. But I just don’t love performing. I had to when I was in college since it was required to get the music degree. But once I got into conservatory I relaxed a little. The only performing I had to do was for my professors and the other students in my program, and it was a small program. And that was only to play each other’s compositions for each other. So it was actually even kind of fun. Everyone was so supportive and it felt almost like playing with Anna. Not quite, because Anna and I just know each other so well and can anticipate everything we do, but it was just so exciting to be a part of something brand new and to hear our wildest imaginations come to life. Now, I just hear it come out of my computer until the opera plays it, or a string quartet. And that’s really amazing. But it’s not the same.

I talk to Anna almost every day, at least we text if nothing else. She has a lot going on, and she also talks to Kris a lot. They’re on the phone almost an hour everyday. Just like Honeymaren and I were. And she talks to Olaf for a half hour every few days. It doesn’t leave much time for me, but I’m sure to let her know I’m thinking of her and that I miss her and that I haven’t abandoned her. Though it seems like her life is really full even without us. She’s actually handling this so much better than I thought she would, and I’m so proud of her.

I’m proud of me, too! I went the first month dealing with obsessions that I was the source of all of Anna's unhappiness, that it was my fault she got divorced and that something bad might happen to her in the middle of the night. I stalked her Instagram, checked my phone for texts every five minutes, and even texted her a few times in the middle of the night. I wrote a lot more texts than that, but most of those just didn’t get sent. Honeymaren helped me, though. At first she fed into my reassurances, which just made things worse. I know I drove her crazy by just asking so many times. She ended up doing a lot of research and then talking to Anna about it to find out how to help me. Anna, of course, told her about exposure therapy, which made me hate Honeymaren for a week or so, but then I got better, and now she knows how to handle it when new obsessions come up so they haven’t gotten out of hand at all since then. I'm still gonna wear my gloves whenever we're driving, though. Just in case.

She cares so much about me that she went out of her way like that to figure out what the best way to help me was! I’m really beginning to see her as more than a girlfriend. She feels like my partner. That’s how serious I am about her. But that doesn’t mean I want to keep going on tour with her. I think I can only take a little at a time. I’ve gotta make some progress on this ballet. And long distance wasn’t so bad for us. We know we can do it, so it’s gonna be a little easier this time.

*****

~ Kris ~

I miss Anna so f*cking much. I really don’t know what I was thinking with this long distance bullsh*t. I guess I thought it was going to be a lot easier than this. It wasn’t this hard with Lyndsay, but then again… I don’t know, maybe I just didn’t care about Lyndsay as much as I care about Anna. If I had, I wouldn’t have left her to go on tour in the first place. If I had been with Anna instead of Lyndsay (and she had been a lot older, because I’m still an old man to her and I can’t even think about that because I am totally robbing the cradle and… I just can’t think about that), I’m not so sure I would have left. However, I’m already on tour, so I can’t just drop everything to be with her. In a way, I want to. But also in a way, maybe I’d be truly unhappy.

“So, we’re getting closer to Arendelle,” Svenny asks.

“Yeah.”

“You looking forward to seeing Anna?”

Looking forward to doesn’t cover it.

“Yeah.”

“I’m looking forward to you seeing Anna.”

I turn my head to give him a look of annoyance.

“I’m looking forward to you not drinking yourself to sleep on the couch every night because you’re so miserable without her.”

“f*ck off, Sven.”

Drinking myself on the couch every night. Who does that sound like? No one I care to be compared to. But it’s only because she’s not here. I’m not choosing the couch over her.

“But seriously, I know how much you miss her. I know how much your guitar misses her.”

That definitely deserves a pillow toss, but he’s teasing me so I know he’s not that serious. I do need to clean up before I see her, though. If she sees me like this, she’s not gonna want to stay with me. And I need her to stay with me. If she leaves me… I’m... probably going to fall apart. No, it’s going to destroy me. I’m too f*cking old to be destroyed by a girl. But everyone loves to tell me that my maturity level is not where it should be. I'm too old and too young for this sh*t.

I talk to her every day, like I promised. The only thing is that I’ve been sending my morning selfies a little later every day. That’s what happens when you wake up with a hangover every day, I guess. It’s not late enough for her to notice, though. So far. And Sven’s been helping me out with that, too. There’ve been a few times when I slept in too much that he took my pic and sent it to Anna. He is a good friend. Because she definitely would have broken up with me if I missed even one day.

So am I looking forward to seeing her? I feel like I might die if I don’t.

She’s handling it much better, though. At least it seems like she is. She’s always finding new ways to make phone sex interesting. My favorite is when she plays Irish music on her violin naked for me. Truthfully, though, it isn’t the naked part about that that turns me on. It’s how happy she looks when she plays Irish music. She’s learning Irish with that Duolingo app, too. I tried it out because she was so excited about it, but I'm just not a school person. But she can actually say things in Irish now. And she’s hanging out with her friends from the session more. Now she holds a weekly session at her place, so that’s two sessions per week. It makes me so f*cking happy that she’s doing that. And all those guys are so nice, too. I’m glad she’s not hanging out with assholes. If I’m honest, though, I’m slightly jealous that she’s spending so much time with a bunch of dudes, but only slightly. I don’t think she’s gonna cheat on me, though. I trust her 100%. Even after Lyndsay, and I really don’t know how that’s possible. Maybe because I just know her well enough to know that she won’t. But those guys all get to see her play twice a week and I don’t get to see her at all. I don't think you can even count the phone or Zoom. It’s just not fair.

Anyway, we’re just two weeks away. I can last for two more weeks. But then it’ll be two days,that’s it. And if she asked me to stay with her, what would I say? We’re going to have that talk, and I’m dreading it. What if she tells me I’m not good enough? Or I’m not worth it? I really don’t want to tell her that I love her just so she won’t break up with me. I want to tell her when she was ready to hear it and I'm ready to say it and really mean it. I can’t say something like that to her and then just peace out for six months, with a daily hungover selfie every morning as a consolation prize for not being there for her every morning like she needs me to be. No, I’m saving it for when I make a decision. I just don’t know if I’m ready to make a decision in two weeks. God, I f*cking hope she understands.

*****

~ Anna ~

Ding ding

K: [selfie of sleepy Kris]

I get so excited when Kris' text wakes me up. I send a pic back.

No answer. Maybe he woke up early just so he could send it and he went right back to sleep. Sometimes he stays up really late. That’s really sweet, though, that he cares enough to wake up when he’s barely able to. Because he cares about me that much.

To be honest, I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to make it these 2 ½ months. Kris said they’d fly by, and they have. I’ve gotten really close to the guys from the session, and Sean’s daughter Kyra has been giving me sean-nos lessons. A guy she has a crush on just happens to live in my building and he just happens to be walking home from school on Mondays, when Kyra comes over, and eventually he's gonna notice that they're actually going the same place and they'll walk together. That's her plan, anyway. She’s only 16, but man does she pack a punch on the dance floor! She's young enough to be my daughter but I actually consider her a friend.

St. Patrick's Day is just around the corner. Usually we do a couple of extra sessions at Oaken's that day, but we sit on stage, and we get more people playing with us. It's so much fun because everyone in the audience claps along and there's always some folks from Ireland that sing along, too. This year we all agreed that we’d treat it a little more like a performance, especially since Kryra’s dancing with us. We’d rehearse at my place once a week with Kyra, but have our regular session at Oaken’s. Sean never lets Kyra come to the sessions because we play late into the evening. Even though she's 16 now and legally allowed to be in the pub, she always has school the next day. Maybe in the summer Sean will let her dance with us at Oaken's. Anyway, we decided that this year we’d have a set list, at least, and we’d know the keys ahead of time. We agreed that that was as close as we’d come to it being a performance. If other people wanted to join in, then that was cool.

I can’t wait to tell Kris all about it, but I’m gonna wait til he gets here. I actually have a really cool idea I want his opinion on… Damn it, I can’t wait to see him! Of all the things I wake up thinking about doing to him and him doing to me, mostly I just want to wrap my limbs around him and never let go. And rest my head against his chest.

*****

~ HM ~

I can’t believe how fast 2 ½ months has gone by. It feels like Elsa belongs here. I hope she decides to stay, but I know she probably won’t. I hope it’s just because she’s having trouble getting work done, because I know she is, and she’s got a deadline. If she wants to be at home for that, I guess I can understand. She might want to stay for Anna, but I really don’t think Anna’s having any problems being alone. I talked to her a few times and she seemed fine. Though I guess she could have been putting on a show, though I really don’t know if Anna’s capable of that, at least not well. She pretty much wears her heart on her sleeve. The only real acting she does is to push people away, but it's so obvious when she does it that I don't think it really counts. It’s funny considering her parents were professional actors.

“So, Elsa…” I run my fingers lightly against her arm as I ask. “We’re almost in Arendelle. Do you know, um, if you want to go on the next leg with us?”

“How long is it again?”

“Three months til we play Arendelle again. And then another 2 ½ after that for the last leg, and we finish in North Mountain.”

“So 5 ½ total. And then what?”

“Kris and I usually stay in North Mountain and write all the songs, for as long as we need. Sometimes it’s a couple weeks, sometimes a couple months. I have a feeling it’ll be more like a couple weeks this time, since we have so much inspiration." I wink at her as I say that, just in case she doesn't know she's my inspiration. "We already have a lot written.”

“And then recording, probably in North Mountain. And then we wait. See if it gets picked up on the radio, online, whatever.”

“Wait for how long?”

“Depends. Sometimes 6 months or so. Sometimes as long as a year. They have to get all the venues and dates lined up, bands to play with, etc. It takes awhile.”

“So, you’ll probably be able to drive with me to Living Rock for the ballet premiere?”

Ok, this is definitely a good question. I’m absolutely going to tell our manager that we have to wait until after that before we go anywhere.

“Maybe I can stay with you, or you can stay with me when we’re done with the tour until we have to go on tour again. You definitely wouldn't have as many distractions.”

Please say ‘yes’...

“Oh, I like that idea so much! So that means, basically, 5 ½ more months…”

“Til we can be together like normal.”

“Ok, but I don’t think I can finish the tour out with you, though.”

“I had a feeling you were going to say that.”

“It’s just hard to get any composing done.”

“I get it. And it’s only 5 ½ months. Right?”

“I love you, and we’re gonna make this work.”

*****

~ Kris ~

Two more days… Just one more show and two more days. Two more days of driving. That’s how far away she is right now. Two days of driving. I’ve waited two months and two weeks, what’s two more days? Two more days until we get two more days, and that’s it. She could very likely say that’s the end. That she doesn’t want to do it anymore. I have to make these two days count. Just finish the show, then I’ll work on it. I’ll figure something out. Get a plan together. There's no f*cking way that's happening, though, to be honest.

I've been trying to think it through the whole time and I keep coming to the same conclusion. Our situation isn't going to change and she's going to leave me for it. Another 5 1/2 months on tour, with a few days back in Arendelle at some point in the middle of it. And then we have time. We have 6 months to a year maybe. But we really don't know. And I've gotta spend at least some time in Living Rock. My grandfather's getting older and his health is really in decline. And I know she won't be able to come with me. And I'm not sure I'm ready to bring her home with me anyway. I love her, but I don't really want to introduce a girl to my family if she's just going to leave me in a few months. The last girl they met was Lyndsay, and that was 20 years ago. So if I bring someone home now and it doesn't work out, I'll never hear the end of it. And if it already didn't work out, I really wouldn't want to keep hearing about it. They'd all love Anna, too, and that would make it so much worse.

The best I can do for her is 5 1/2 months with three days in the middle, then more time apart, though maybe she could visit North Mountain at some point, or maybe HM will want to record in Arendelle, and then more time apart, and then three to six months, give or take after that. Then back on tour and we start the whole long distance thing up again. Maybe she'll go along with it until the next tour with the promise of several months together being enough. But she definitely won't want to after that. At least that's a plan, though.

*****

~ Anna ~

Two more days… Just two more days. That’s how far away he is right now. Two days of of waiting. I’ve waited two months and two weeks, what’s two more days? Two more days until we get two more days, and that’s it. It's better than nothing, I suppose.

We’re gonna talk about things, and I’m terrified of what he’ll say. He’ll say there’s no end, that this is what my life is going to be like forever. Two and half months was nothing. But I really don’t know how much more of this I can take, to be honest. The six months before that was bad enough, and that was before I really got to know him and developed such strong feelings for him. Now… things look different than they did six months ago. It’s different than 2 ½ months ago. And the worst part is that I'm not going to be able to walk away from him. Even if I'm unhappy. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to.

Knock, knock, knock.

“Hey, Declan. Come on in. Everyone else should be here pretty soon.”

It’s Sunday evening, so that means party at my place. Next it’s Sean and Kyra.

“So Anna, you have to tell me… when’s your boyfriend coming again?” she asks.

“Two days.”

“Dang it, that means I won’t get to meet him!”

I smile at how interested she is in me and my life. She thinks I’m so fascinating for some reason. It’s flattering even though it’s not true. It was nice to have someone to gush about my boyfriend to, though. Whenever he said something really sweet or smiled just right or made a dumb joke that had me rolling on the floor… I never tell her any specifics, just general stuff. Like I didn’t tell her he’s a punk guitarist because then she’d ask who he was and look him up, and I didn’t want to do that to him. But she knows about the long distance. And she’s always so encouraging. And she asks me for advice about relationships, too. And we commiserate about the guy that lives in my building that still doesn't know they walk to the same building after school on Mondays. Reminds me of Sven and Olaf. No f*cking way I'm gonna tell her about Sven and his dangling carrot, though.

Finally, everyone arrives and we get started with “Rakes of Kildare”.

Knock, knock, knock.

No, that has to be Declan on the bodhran or Krya on the floor.

Knock, knock, knock.

Is there someone at the door? Maybe we’re too loud or something. The guys keep playing. At least until I let out a gasp.

It’s Kris! It’s KRIS!!!

I leap on top of him and Kyra screams a little. No doubt excited for this hugely romantic and completely unexpected gesture.

“You’re early.” I’m so f*cking flattered right now.

“I couldn’t wait another two days to see you, and we were just gonna be driving, so I flew instead. So we could have a couple extra days together. Is it ok? I’m sorry, sort of crashed your party. It was sort of a spur of the moment kind of thing.”

He actually apologizes! As if. They all say it isn't a big deal.

Except Kyra, who thinks it's a very big deal. “Anna, that’s Kristoff Bjorgman. Like, the guitarist for the Reindeer Herders? Your Kris is Kristoff Bjorgman from the Reindeer Herders? How could you not tell me?”

“Hi, you must be Kyra. Nice to meet you,” says Kris. I love how red he gets sometimes. It’s adorable.

“Holy sh*t Kristoff Bjorgman knows who I am! Dad, did you know?”

Sean just makes a face.

“Why don’t you just come join us?” I ask. I do want to rip his clothes off, but I miss playing with him, too.

“Actually, Anna, I think we probably played enough for today. We’ll just get out of your hair.”

Well that's nice of Matt.

“No, no. I brought my guitar. Do you mind if I sit in? It’s been a while since I went to a session.”

Isn’t he just the best?

He drops his duffel bag next to the floor and sets his guitar down. “Oh, I completely forgot. These are for you. Sorry they’re a little wilted. I saw them at the airport in Chicago and they made me think of you. I guess that was the extent of my thinking because then I had to take them on the plane and they got a little smashed and well. I’m sorry.”

“Awwwww!!!” said Kyra, which lifted Kris’s spirits a bit.

“They’re perfect. I love them.” I kiss his cheek and then whisper, “Just like you.”

When I come back from putting them in some water, Marky had moved over so Kris could sit next to me.

He sits next to me, but not too close because he’s a little scared of my bow, I think. Holy sh*t, he's using the guitar pick I gave him!

My feelings for him are so strong right now. There’s no way I’m breaking up with him. He’s willing to go to that kind of effort for me, and it proves he’s in this for real. There were times when I felt him slipping a little, not enough where I would even mention it, definitely not enough to break up with him. His texts have been coming later and later. And then there were the few times Sven took his picture and wrote a message. It was really sweet of him to try and help, but I could really tell it wasn’t Kris. I never told Kris I knew it wasn’t him, though. But this makes up for all those times, and for so many more in the future. I really, just… can’t believe he did this for me. I’m so f*cking impressed with him right now. And so are Kyra and the guys. Usually we’d play for hours, and then hang out a little. But tonight Sean said Kyra had to go to bed for school, and Declan’s wife wanted him to be home for dinner, and Marky’s wife had an errand for him, and Liam had to let his dog out. These were all excuses and we all knew it except Kris. But it didn’t really matter. Because the way he’s been looking at me all night, none of them were even really there, were they? Except that Kyra gets an autograph and a picture with Kris. It's so cute. I’ve never seen him interact with a fan before, and he's so incredibly humble and kind. He really listens to her and answers her questions genuinely. Then he promises to get her on the guest list for one of their shows, and Sean says it's ok as long as she goes with me. Of course she's coming with me to see Kris!

I really like everything about him. Sometimes I even like how immature he is because we can be two goofballs in love. On the very rare occasion it can be slightly annoying, but not right now, though. Right now he’s pretty f*cking perfect.

*****

~ HM ~

On the road again. Great. That means we're four days closer to saying goodbye to Elsa. Elsa's still sleeping, so I'm gonna go talk to the guys. Haven't really talked to them in a while.

"Guys, where's Kris?"

"Huh?"

"There were three of you weirdos, and now there's two. Did we leave him behind?"

Maybe he actually got so drunk he didn't make it to the van? Of all the dumb sh*t he's done, this would definitely take the cake. And Sven and Olaf aren't exactly the sharpest tools...

"Wait, where's Kris?" asks Elsa. I guess I'm talking loudly because she's awake now. She's understandably concerned, and I am, too. God, I hope she's wearing her gloves... she is. Thank goodness. The last thing I want is for her to bear any more responsibility than she needs to.

"Oh, he flew off to Arendelle like a valiant pungent reindeer king."

"What?" Like that was any kind of f*cking explanation.

"Try and keep up, HM. He missed Anna so he took a plane to get to Arendelle two days sooner. Duh! That's what I just said!"

"Ooooohhhh!" says Elsa, clasping her hands beneath her chin. "So romantic!"

"Fine. As long as he's there for the downbeat."

Ok, that's pretty f*cking romantic, and we're definitely going to write a song about the valiant pungent reindeer king. I've never seen him care about anyone as much as he cares about Anna. Good for him.

I hope he f*cking showered first, though. Olaf's right about how pungent he's been lately.

Chapter 16: The Best f*cking Job in the World

Chapter Text

~ Kris ~

This is such a dumb idea. I can’t believe I let Olaf talk me into this. Honestly, I was still a little drunk by the time I got to the airport, and I can’t believe they sold me a plane ticket. And then I bought her these flowers and they’re all smashed. Maybe she’ll probably appreciate the gesture and think it’s funny. I’d be laughing myself if I weren’t so f*cking tired and hungover and nervous as hell for some reason.

f*ck. I should have called her or texted her to let her know I’m coming early. Too late now cause I’m already on the plane. All I know is that Anna was two days away and now she’s less than two hours away.

Some kid let me into the building, and now I feel her presence everywhere. Everywhere we stopped to make out because we couldn’t wait. Now I can’t wait, but I have to get to the door first.

There’s music and laughter. Anna’s musical laughter. I forgot about the session she hosts at her apartment on Sundays. This is probably going to suck. At least she’s home, though. I did actually text her from the cab but she probably couldn’t hear her phone.

Here goes.

Knock, knock, knock.

No answer. She probably can’t hear over the music.

Knock, knock, knock.

A little louder this time. I can’t just walk in even though the door is probably open and it would probably be ok.

The look on Anna’s face… I can’t even describe how happy she is to see me. But she is. She's so much happier than I’ve ever seen her. She must have really missed me a lot. I wasn’t so sure because she didn’t seem to be falling apart as much as I was. She wasn't falling apart at all.

She jumps on me and erases all doubt. This might be the best feeling in the whole world and I can’t ever hug her tight enough.

Is that someone screaming? I knew there were other people here, but I forgot for a moment.

“You’re early.” It sounds like a criticism, but the way she says it sends shivers down my spine. Like I did something very right.

“I couldn’t wait another two days to see you, and we were just gonna be driving, so I flew instead. Now we can have a couple extra days together. It was sort of a spur of the moment kind of thing. Is it ok? I’m sorry, I sort of crashed your party.”

Damn it. She’s still looking at me like that. It’s so f*cking inconvenient that there are other people here.

“Anna, that’s Kristoff Bjorgman. Like, the guitarist for the Reindeer Herders. Your Kris is Kristoff Bjorgman from the Reindeer Herders? How could you not tell me?”

I’m not used to actually being recognized and this kid even knows my name. And Anna didn’t tell her I was her boyfriend. But she told me all about Kyra and how much she likes her. She’s flabbergasted and it’s adorable. But I know I’m blushing like crazy, which makes me blush more.

“Holy sh*t Kristoff Bjorgman knows who I am!”

Kyra is exactly how Anna described her. I really thought maybe she was exaggerating, but she really wasn’t.

“Why don’t you just come join us,” Anna suggests. I really want her all to myself right now, but I’d also love to play with her and her friends. As long as I’m close to her, that's what really matters. And I don’t want to ruin their night by my surprise appearance.

“Actually, Anna, I think we probably played enough for today. We’ll just get out of your hair.”

Matt nods at me, understanding how he thinks I must feel. Of course I feel that. But that’s only part of it.

“No, no. I actually brought my guitar. Do you mind if I sit in? It’s been a while since I went to a session.”

But Anna does need to stop looking at me like that or I will have a problem. I almost forget to give her the flowers. I got to the airport super early because that's when Olaf dropped me off. It was so early that I was still drunk from the night before. I fell asleep waiting for my plane, woke up with a hangover, and threw up in the bathroom airport right after I bought the flowers. I texted Anna an old selfie from more than a month ago, and fortunately she didn't suspect. Ugh. Water, coffee, bagel, mouthwash, change of clothes. I was fine by the time I landed in Arendelle. And then there was a transfer. And the flowers were there for all of it, along with my duffel bag and my guitar. It’s actually a f*cking miracle that those flowers don’t look a lot worse, honestly. I hate giving them to her in that state, though.

“They’re perfect. I love them.” She kisses my cheek then whispers, “Just like you.”

Hold on.... Just like she loves me???? Or just like I’m perfect??? Or just like she loves me!???? Does she actually love me? Or was she just saying that? She said it so easily. Oh my f*cking god, what the f*ck? Now I’m gonna have to ask her about it or go a long time without knowing. And her just saying I’m perfect would have sent me over the moon. I’m definitely not, though. She is. But I can hardly be excited by the perfect part because now I’m just confused. Whatever. Either she loves me and thinks I’m perfect, or she just thinks I’m perfect. Either way, she likes me a lot more than I thought.

Now I can’t stop looking at her like that . I was probably already looking at her like that, but now I’m looking at her like that even more. This is definitely one of the smartest things I’ve ever done in my life. It was my idea, but it I wouldn't have actually gone through with it if Olaf hadn't just driven me to the airport and basically kicked me out of the van. I'm definitely going to thank him later.

And now she just noticed that I’m using the pick she gave me, which I only use when I play acoustic. When I’m on stage I throw a pick in the audience at the end of every song, and I’ve been doing that for 20 years and I don’t want to accidentally throw my Sophisticated Grace.

Now that everyone left, it’s just us. I f*cking love Anna so much. I hope to hell that she doesn’t break up with me even though I don’t have a f*cking long term plan. Maybe this gesture will prove to her that I am in this for real, even if I can’t f*cking commit to anything just yet.

“Thank you for being so sweet with Kyra. I really didn’t know she was such a huge fan. The only reason I didn't tell her who you were was because I didn't want her googling you in case you actually met. I thought it would be weird if she knew all about you like that. I guess she does anyway. Oh well. I’m so excited to take her to your show, though.”

“Yeah, hey, no problem. It’s honestly been so long since anyone actually recognized me. They all know HM and Sven.”

“I recognize you.” Ok, it’s definitely, finally, time to kiss her. More than kiss her. Well more than her lips. More than the lips on her face, I mean.

f*ck, I’ve missed her tiny breasts. They’re like two huge bouncing nipples, and I like to get as much of them in my mouth as I can. Oh, her skin, it’s so much softer than I remembered.

She keeps trying to touch me but all I let her have is my hair. I scoot her to the edge of the couch and I crouch down in front of her. Her jeans are a f*cking challenge, but worth it for the Star Wars underwear.

“Sorry, but I shaved a few days ago. It’s just a little prickly.”

I rub my hands all over her as I move her legs over my shoulders so she can be closer to me. I’m so close to her pink center when I tell her she’s perfect to me.

I’m sure she was about to tell me I’m perfect but now she just moans. I’m not perfect. I’m so far from perfect it’s not even funny. I love that she thinks that about me but one of these days she’s going to be so f*cking disappointed. But I’m gonna let her know how perfect I think she is, which won’t take long based on how she’s already wriggling around and all the compliments she’s giving me when she isn’t speechless. I’m not going to let her be disappointed now, though. Because I’m gonna make her scream.

*****

~ Elsa ~

I just can’t get over how romantic Kris is! I liked him right away, and I have a very good feeling about him. I'm so glad that Anna found someone that actually appreciates her. Her ass wipe ex-husband sure as hell didn’t. He obviously didn’t like me. Probably because I could see through his phony face. The only good thing about him was his accent. I bet that’s what drew Anna in. And he is a pretty decent conductor. And he paid attention to her. She’s always needed a lot of attention and she was boy crazy growing up and she had soooo many crushes over the years. And I mean crushes. Because they always left her completely crushed. I never really understood why none of them actually liked her back. She’s pretty and sweet, but she can also be extremely intense. Maybe that was it. It was too much too soon and they couldn't take it. When she decides she likes someone that’s pretty much it. It’s the only way her marriage lasted as long as it did, at least on her end. I’m convinced he only married her because he knew it would help him get the top conducting gig in the country. And it did. He had to do time with the ballet before he got promoted to the symphony, but everyone knows that part of the reason why he got the symphony is because he was married to one of the first violinists. Anyway, Hans actually paid attention to her, and he wooed her hardcore. And it worked. She was in so deep that when they hardly ever saw each other the first 5 years of their marriage, even though it was hard on her, her affection never waivered. It was hard to watch her be hurt by him over and over, all his broken promises, and all the tears they caused. It was almost impressive how many new ways he found to disappoint her and how many times she forgave him for it. I never wanted her to get divorced, I just wanted him to change. She says I’m not the reason she got divorced, but I still don’t believe her. But if I am the reason, I’m not sorry about it anymore. Seeing how much Kris loves and adores her, and the lengths he’s willing to go for her, I’m just a little proud that that wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for me breaking up her marriage and begging her to come with me to Honeymaren’s show. Reassurance compulsion hereby eliminated, and obsession nullified! If it was my fault, I did her a huge favor. Point, Elsa.

“So, how do you think Anna’s going to react?” asks Olaf.

“I think she’s gonna be ecstatic and so impressed. She really misses him, I think.”

“Do you think she loves him?” asks Sven.

“I can’t say for certain, but I think she might.”

“Well, that’s a relief. Putting himself out there like that.”

“Does he, um, oh... Never mind.”

“What?” asks Olaf.

“Ugh. I’m only curious out of concern…”

“What?” asks Sven now his interest piqued.

“Does he, um... Does he have a drinking problem or something? It just seems like he wakes up hungover every morning.”

“Oooof.” Olaf and Sven look at each other uncomfortably. “You wanna take this one, Svenny?”

“Look, don’t tell Anna, ok? But I’m actually a little worried.”

“We’re a little worried,” Olaf corrects.

I know he’s really not handling this long distance relationship well. I guess I’m relieved to know it’s not just me, but also even more concerned because something bad could happen if he continues like this.

“Has he ever been like that before?”

“Not since I’ve known him. Svenny?”

“Wait, haven’t you known him longer, Olaf?”

“I used to play with another punk band and we opened for the Reindeer Herders. We actually toured together several times. So Kris and I got to be really good friends. That was like 15 years ago now? Anyway, my band broke up right around the time that psycho demon Megan got kicked out. So Kris and HM called me for the audition. I’m so much happier now.” He gives heart eyes to Olaf and oh, I’m just going to burst with cuteness overload. “Cause of Olaf, of course, but also cause Kris is my best friend and we get to hang out all the time now.”

“So have you ever seen Kris like this before?”

“Every once in a while he gets a little out of control. But then he goes home and he’s fine. He keeps a lot of stuff bottled up or close to the chest and maybe it’s just hard for him to deal with sometimes. But I’ve honestly never seen him this bad before. I’m actually really worried.”

“Me, too,” says HM, who’s been listening to more of the conversation than I realized. I didn’t think she could hear from the driver’s seat. Sven shuts off the music and asks if she’s ever seen him this bad before.

“He was a wreck after Lyndsay. But then he went home and I guess his mom whipped him into shape because when we went on tour again he was fine. Of course he has his moments. His tolerance isn't as high as he thinks it is, and it's gotten worse as he's gotten older.”

“Well, what can we do to help him?” I am really worried after hearing all this. I’m afraid that Anna won’t want to keep seeing him if he won’t actually be with her every day. Eventually, that’s what’s going to happen. It’ll take a long time for her to get there. Probably years. I've never seen her be this into anyone before, so I'm guessing she might be able to hold on for decades. But eventually, that’s what’s gonna happen. Then what will Kris do? Maybe he’ll quit the band and move to Arendelle. That would suck for Honeymaren, but maybe it's what he needs to do so he can get healthy.

“I bet just seeing Anna’s gonna help a lot,” says Sven.

“And the 3 ½ months after that?” asks Olaf.

No one has an answer to that question. Just gloomy faces.

*****

~ Anna ~

There’s Kris’ smiling face, mostly asleep, but his eyes are slightly open. And he’s real. I put my hands all over and move them around, just to double check. Maybe I just want to memorize what it feels like so my hands will remember when I see his selfie. But his face is really there. And so is the rest of him. He’s all real and right next to me.

I love the way he feels in my hands… The mix of muscle and hair and pudge and veins and bones and smooth surface… There’s just so much there that I don’t know where to start. I end up using my face, too, because it’s too much for two hands to cover. And I can use my mouth, too.

So… he’s more awake than his eyes led me to believe. The way he says my name… ugh I could just die. He must have already gotten up to go to the bathroom and do the stretches he thinks I don’t know about and then fallen back asleep. He wouldn’t have let me go on this long otherwise. He must be really tired, though, because he isn’t even tried to make me stop. He better not because I want him to sing. Only it’s almost embarrassing all the nice things he’s saying about me. Does he really think that? Or is it just because of what I just did to him?

I reach for the glass on the nightstand and spit. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand.

“Wow, am I that repulsive?”

I know I’m supposed to love the taste of it or whatever. But I don’t. It’s gross and I’m not gonna swallow it just to flatter a man’s ego. Or lie to him and tell him it tastes like ice cream or whatever. I’m pretty sure I don’t taste so great either. And if he told me I smelled like roses or whatever, I wouldn't f*cking believe him.

“If you were so f*cking repulsive would I have had you in my mouth that whole time?”

“Well, no, I guess not.”

Then I dip my finger in the glass and put a small dab on Kris’ lips.

“Oh, f*ck! Oh! Jeez! I’m so sorry! That’s disgusting. You really don’t ever have to do that again. It’s cool. I mean, like thank you, like, I have a whole new appreciation of you. I mean, f*ck, you have know idea how much I appreciated that before I knew exactly how f*cking awful it was. What do you want? Because you're getting whatever you f*cking want right now.”

I know exactly what I want. I want what I wake up thinking about every morning. “Maybe... you can show your guitar a little appreciation?” I regret that. I 100% regret saying that.

“My guitar?”

Ok, maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe he’ll just play for me. That’s really not what I want, though…

Holy f*ck, that is what I want, though! He turns me to my side so we’re like spooning, but he’s got my leg propped up on his knee and he’s strumming me with his fingers and the other arms is wrapped around my body to… my nipples. Eventually I can’t take it anymore and I have to help. My body just wants so much more of him, and he goes with it, laughing. I love his laugh. His laugh tips me over the edge, and oh my god, I come so f*cking hard.

I love morning sex.

“So… you like being my guitar, don’t you?”

This is so embarrassing. Whatever. It’s already out there. “Yes, Kris. Fine. I love your f*cking magic fingers. Ok? I like what they can do to your actual guitar. And I f*cking love what they can do to my cl*t. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

He's like a f*cking hyena, this one. It's so f*cking hard to be annoyed with him right now, though. I roll over to put my robe on so I can clean up in the bathroom. Then I won't have to think about this so much.

“Hey, wait. Anna,” he reaches for me. “Come back here.”

Ok, I will let him make me feel better holding on to me like this. This is helping so much. I can still taste his goo in my mouth a little but he’s kissing me anyway. Such a gentleman.

I’m into it, I'm so into it, and I could definitely go for more… but he’s… 42. I think I understand.

“Do you want some eggs?”

That’s relief on his face. He’s relieved I didn’t make a thing of this or force him to tell me he can't because he’s old. I know how self-conscious he is about his age, especially because I'm so much younger than him.

“I’d love some. My fingers worked up quite an appetite,” he winks at me. “We probably shouldn’t do that again, though, because I might not be able to do my f*cking job anymore.”

“I’m your job now.” I deadpan it, but maybe it doesn't come across as a joke.

He’s quiet and, oh, f*ck! I did it again. I took it too f*cking far. I’m this close to telling him to f*ck off…

He holds onto my hips and looks at me directly so I know he f*cking means it. “It’s the best f*cking job in the world.” My uterus is totally open for business. Whenever he feels like clocking in... “And I hope I get to work here for a long time,” he breathes on my neck and exaggerates the "long".

Oh my f*cking god, one of these days he's gonna make me come from breathing on my next. “Are you going to work hard for me?”

“So f*cking hard, Anna.” He holds my hand so I can feel the evidence. Damn, that turned around a lot more quickly than I thought it would. "And I'm gonna make you come three times before my shift is over."

I don’t really even know how to make eggs anyway.

*****

~ Kris ~

"Do you want some whiskey?"

"No, thanks." I'm not always sure how I get from one shot to puking in the toilet the next morning. But I obviously don't have a f*cking problem. If I really had a problem, I wouldn't have turned it down.

"You sure?" She pours one for herself. Neat. She's just so f*cking cool. Who does that? I mean, I know people do, but I've never met anyone that actually drinks it neat like that.

"Yeah, I'm sure." I'm so f*cking content being with Anna like this. Yeah, I don't need to drink. And I sure as hell don't want to f*ck this up by falling asleep on her couch without her.

I can tell she feels a little awkward drinking alone. Something normal to put her at ease... "Hey, do you want to watch Titanic?"

She's shocked. "Ok! Yeah! I'm gonna make popcorn. Can you get the movie set up?" She hands me the remote and plucks the disc from the bookshelf.

This is so normal and nice. This feels so f*cking right. Damn it. I'm gonna have to go another 3 1/2 months without this. I didn't even know that this was what I was missing. I knew I was missing her, but holy f*ck is this fantastic. Is this what it would be like if I stayed with her in Arendelle? She's almost asleep and she didn't even finish her glass. It's a shame for it to go to waste, though. I could reach it if I wanted to. Instead I adjust the blanket so it covers Anna more, and then I squeeze her tighter. I just want to keep her safe and comfortable. Falling asleep with her on the couch sober is so much better than being drunk on the couch alone, which is probably what I'd be if I reached for that glass. Besides, I want to remember this.

Chapter 17: Obsessions

Chapter Text

~ Elsa ~

This is nice. We got into Arendelle a little earlier than we expected so we’re just having a nice relaxing evening on top of the roof. I’ve never been up here, but there’s a fire pit, so we’ve got that going and it’s smoky, and just really nice. Sven is grilling some chicken and veggies on the grill, and there’s not a drop of alcohol. Anna wanted to bring some beers up, but Olaf talked her out of it. She still doesn’t know about Kris’ problem, and I’m so glad we don’t have to tell her. He probably really watches his alcohol intake around her, so she probably doesn’t even suspect. Not that she shouldn't know about it, just that it's still so new and it shouldn't come from us.

I'm having a good time. But our building is 6 flights, and the ledge is a little lower than I'd like. It makes me a little nervous being up this high, especially with Kris and Sven being so tall and standing where they are. Even Honeymaren, who’s more average height, 5’6” or so, if I had to guess? She’s a little taller than me and I’m 5’4”. I’m not about to stand over there, though. What if I jumped? Or someone pushed me? Of I slipped and accidentally fell? Maybe if Anna and Olaf walked over there it would be ok since they’re a lot shorter. But honestly, probably not. No, I don't like this at all. But none of that's going to happen. It's just my OCD being a butthead.

After spending so much time with Honeymaren and the guys and nothing bad happening, I’ve been wearing my gloves a lot less. Even outside. I really only wear them when we’re driving. That’s such a huge improvement, and I know Anna's noticed. I still wear them whenever Honeymaren has a show, though. But that’s just for fashion. I take them off every once in a while during their shows, though, just to prove I don’t need them. But I’m just so used to wearing them that it just feels like I’m not really fully dressed without them. And that’s ok. It’s ok if I wear them. What’s not ok is if I think something bad is going to happen if I take them off so I have to wear them to ease my anxiety. So, only when we’re driving, just in case. But I wish I had them now. No, nothing bad is going to happen. And I’m gonna eat chicken and I definitely can’t wear them when I’m eating chicken. And now we’re all sitting around the fire anyway. Everything's fine.

I can tell that both Honeymaren and Anna are looking at me with pride because of how well I'm doing. I’m proud of me, too! Look at how far I’ve come! I used to wear my gloves all the time, except when I went to the bathroom or showered. I wore them when I slept, when I ate, when I was inside. All the time. But look at me! I’m outside on a roof, no gloves! And I have my sister, a gorgeous, warrior princess girlfriend, and actual friends. I hardly recognize myself. In a good way.

But seriously, Kris needs to get away from that ledge. He was just over here a few seconds ago. Why would he need to walk to the ledge?

“Elsa, for you,” says Sven as he offers me the first plate. Gosh, he’s so sweet. I’m gonna wait to eat until Kris comes back to sit with us, though.

“Elsa, you don’t have to wait for us,” says Olaf. Also sweet, but I’m going to insist so they don’t know that the real reason I can’t start eating is that I can’t stop thinking about what would happen if Kris leaned over a little too far. The image of him falling scared through the air, the feeling of knowing he couldn’t do anything to stop himself from dying, and then the image of him splatting all over the cement run on repeat. I shudder each time, but not enough for anyone to notice. But he's still there. I need him to come back over here.

Ok, Elsa. Enough! It’s just your OCD being mad at you for not needing it anymore. Get the f*ck out of my head, OCD!!!

Sometimes it helps to talk to my OCD. They made me do that at the hospital. Sometimes it works.

Now Anna and Honeymaren are eating, so it's gonna be weird that I'm not. Kris points something out to Sven to come look at. Holy f*cking sh*t… if they don’t get away from there right now…

“Guys, come eat!” Maybe that’ll work. I don’t even care about exposure therapy. Images of them falling to their deaths give me the chills and I cringe every time. The only way to make it better is for them to be sitting across the fire pit with their mouths full.

“Are you ok, Elsa?” asks Olaf. No, I’m not f*cking ok.

“Seriously, guys. Please come and eat with us.” I try my very hardest to get them to come back without making it weird.

“Be right there!” says Kris.

He leans over just a little more.

“Now!”

That gets everyone’s attention because I’ve never said anything like that to any of them before. And then Kris and Sven turn and Sven rests his hands on the ledge and leans back just a little. I’m not wearing my gloves and something really horrible could happen. Or could have happened.

"I need my gloves. I need my gloves." I run towards the door to get back into the building so I could get them, but it’s locked! I panic and roll into a ball on the ground and start screaming.

At least that got their attention and everyone comes over to me and stands around me and no one's at the ledge anymore. Anna and Honeymaren try to hold my hands, but I’ve got them buried under my shirt. Maybe if I at least cover them. sh*t. How the hell did this happen? I was having such a good time…

Honeymaren holds me to her and tells me it’s going to be ok.

“We’re standing close to the wall and no one’s at the ledge anymore. And no one’s going to stand at the ledge anymore. We’re all right here. We’re all here for you. And nothing bad is going to happen to any of us. Ok?” says Honeymaren.

“But I need my gloves! I wasn’t wearing my gloves! What if they fell over”

“But they didn’t fall over. They’re fine. They’re fine and you weren’t wearing your gloves. You don’t need your gloves. Everyone’s ok,” says Anna. “I’m so proud of you, Elsa, for not wearing your gloves up here. And I know you’re so much stronger than this. It’s not you, ok? It’s your OCD. Tell it to leave my sister alone.”

Ok, that does make me laugh a little. But now everyone knows I have OCD. Now I just feel embarrassed, but that distracts me from the obsession so I don't need the compulsion anymore. At least temporarily.

“Can we please hold your hands?” asks Honeymaren. If I didn’t love her so much... I reluctantly give one to her and the other to Anna. They hold them for a second and then help me up and lead me to a chair. The chair is closer to the ledge, but still pretty far. Sven picks it up and moves it closer to me so I don’t have to be as close to the ledge.

“Deep breaths,” Anna says. “You got this. Two sisters, one mind.”

“Your mind.”

“That’s right. My mind. There’s no OCD here.”

Anna’s mind. It’s safe there and I’m starting to feel better. And Sven and Kris are here, far from the ledge. And Honeymaren is holding my hand. And I'm still on vacation in Anna's mind, where my OCD can't find me.

*****

~ Anna ~

The super’s not answering. Damn it. I called the f*cking emergency number and he’s not answering.

f*ck co*ck mother sh*tballs sucking dick mother f*cking...c*ntface ass…. Ugh!!!!!! Elsa's fine now, but there's no guarantee it won't come back. She needs her anxiety medicine.

I’m gonna have to call Jared. What? How do I not have his number in my phone? That's weird... J something… Jeremy! f*ck, I’m gonna have to call him and Kris is here. I f*cking hope he doesn’t say anything.

J: Oh, Anna! It’s great to hear from you.

A: Hey, Jeremy.

J: I was actually just thinking about you, you know, wondering if things worked out with your ex. Guess not since you’re calling me.

A: Actually, that’s not why I’m calling. I’m really sorry to ask, but I’m locked on the roof and Wesselton's not answering. I was wondering if you could come open the door for me?

J: I can’t believe I actually answered the phone for you. I’m so stupid. I thought maybe you broke up with your boyfriend and wanted to go out or something.

A: I’m really sorry, Jeremy. I shouldn’t have broken up with you over voicemail. But to be fair, we weren’t serious, and you knew that.

J: Whatever, Anna. Just keep telling yourself that. I know you were into it. You can’t fake that.

That was a little loud. I hope no one heard that. I really hope Kris doesn’t hear this conversation.

A: Look, I’m so sorry if I didn’t make myself clear enough. It was just for fun. I never wanted anything serious with you.

J: Ouch! Are you being serious now? You’re joking, right?

A: I’m really sorry I hurt you. I really am.

J: Ugh. Whatever, Anna. You’re such a f*cking bitch, you know that?

Wow. Not such a nice guy. I didn’t know he liked me that much. I really thought I was clear with him. I know I was. How did this even happen?

J: Apology not accepted.

A: Fine. Don’t accept my apology, but could you please just open the door?

J: Fine. Ugh. I’ll be there in a few minutes.

He took more than a few minutes. And Kris heard everything. Everyone did. Apparently my volume was all the way up and they could even hear everything Jeremy said.

Kris looks like he’s really going to jump off the balcony. I’m gonna have to tell him the truth, which is so embarrassing. Even if I fudge a little and tell him it was before I met him, he’ll know. Plus then I'd be lying to him, and he deserves better than that.

“Well?” he asks.

“I went out with him between the second time you played Arendelle and North Mountain. You know, when the only contact I had from you was liking two photos I posted? I didn’t think you wanted to have anything to do with me. Anyway, we only dated for like a month.”

“Oh. I always wanted to have everything to do with you." He whispers, but everyone can hear anyway. It's completely silent up on the roof. "I asked you if you wanted something more, twice, and you turned me down both times. I guess I was just scared you didn't want to hear from me.”

“It’s true. He was,” says Sven.

“Really?” he asks.

“Hey, just trying to help.”

“Well, don’t.”

“Kris, that had nothing to do with you. I told you I had just gotten divorced and I wasn’t ready for that. Besides, do you remember how the first five years of my marriage were long distance? What did you really expect? I’m really going out on a f*cking limb to be in a long distance relationship with you now. Doesn’t that count for something?”

“You’re right. I hadn’t thought about it that way.”

“I did tell you, didn’t I?” says Sven.

“Seriously?”

“What? I did.”

“Can’t you give us some f*cking privacy?” I finally ask Sven. This is not a conversation I want to have with anyone. Not even Kris. And I'm losing my patience with his f*cking commentary that isn't actually helping Kris.

“Not really. Would if we could… maybe.”

Back to me, Kris asks, “Were you going out with him after we… hmm?”

“After you what?” asks Olaf.

Olaf just gets a look and he suddenly understands.

“No. Actually, I was but then I left him that voicemail you know, right before…”

“What, like that night?”

“Yeah, well, after you DM’d me but before we…um.”

“Wait… you broke up with him just so we could…?”

f*ck this is embarrassing.

“No wonder he’s pissed!” says Sven.

“Yeah… But he doesn’t know about that part.” I’m sure my cheeks are on fire.

Kris sweeps me into his embrace and kisses me like we definitely should have been in private. Oh my god, I wish we f*cking were in private. Of course that’s when the door swings open. The f*cking door swings open while my legs are too wobbly to stand on my own.

“What the f*ck, Anna! You’ve gotta be f*cking kidding me!”

“sh*t. God, I’m so sorry, Jeremy. I didn’t mean for that to happen. It just sort of did. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I really didn’t mean to.”

“Whatever, Anna. I just can’t believe you broke up with me for some grandpa. He’s like twice your age.”

God damn it, what the f*ck is his problem? Ok, I’m his problem. That's pretty f*cking obvious. But why does he have to f*cking take out on Kris and his insecurities? Just f*cking yell at me and leave him out of it!

"I mean, you’re gonna have to change his diapers soon."

Ok, I’m pissed now. Here comes the f*cking gauntlet.

Sven grabs the door handle, just in case Jeremy decides to slam it since his hand’s still on the other side. Thankfully HM and Elsa scoot past him, though. I do not need her to think it’s her fault that Kris is going to break up with me. I’m so glad Sven’s still here, though, just in case this gets out of hand. I have absolutely no idea how Kris is going to handle a situation like this.

“Ok, first of all, I made it extremely clear to you that it was casual. It’s not my fault you thought I would change my mind.”

“Well, you seemed like you were really into me when we were having sex.” f*ck. Seriously? I'm so glad I got to tell Kris the whole truth before Jeremy stormed up here.

"Jeez, Jeremy. It was sex. Of course I was into it. But that's all it was."

I wasn't actually that into it. After Kris no one else is ever going to really do it for me.

"Wow... you're like, such a slu*t, aren't you?"

I know I’m going to regret at least one thing I say to him right now. But how f*cking dare he talk about me like that, especially in front of Kris? And you know what? The only thing I did wrong was end it over voicemail. But what was I supposed to do? Show up to our date and break up with him in a fancy restaurant he picked that didn't even have anything I'd want to eat and then leave him with the bill? Or march down the hall to say it to his face? There's no good way to break up with someone. Hell, I could have texted it. That would have been way worse. No. Screw him. He doesn't get to get away with calling me the s-word. I don't care how badly I hurt him. He doesn't get to say that to me or any other woman.

“I f*ck who I want, when I want. That doesn't make me a slu*t, it makes me a person that knows what she wants."

"Not with those hairy legs. So gross. You're lucky I slept with you after seeing how disgusting they were."

"Oh, that's so cute. Did you actually think I’d shave my legs just for you? Clearly you don’t f*cking know me at all.”

"Well, you obviously shave your legs for Grandpa or he wouldn't be your boyfriend."

No he f*cking didn't bring Kris back into this.

"Look, kid, you don't know me. You don't know anything about me. But know this. And as far as I'm concerned, you're f*cking lucky Anna let you anywhere near her legs. I love her legs when she shaves, and I love them even more when they're prickly. A word of advice from your elder, son: women are people, not sex objects. And real women have hair. I'm really sorry for how things turned out for you, bud, but you need to move on, ok?"

Ok, Kris can handle himself. He doesn't really pack much of a punch, but it makes me quiver all the same.

“'Bud'? I'm sorry, Anna, can he even get it up?”

Shots. f*cking. Fired.

“You know, Jeremy, you really shouldn't go asking about other men's abilities when yours are so limited."

"Huh?"

"You're like so f*cking selfish in bed, man."

"What are you even talking about?"

"Look, if you can only go for 10 minutes, that's fine. But figure out another f*cking way to make it happen. Like f*cking care about your partner's needs like even just a little."

His face sinks. That was enough, that was more than enough. And it was constructive. Not that he'll listen. f*cking nice guy. I should definitely stop there, though. But I saw the look on Kris’ face when he said I was going to be changing his diapers soon and when he impugned Kris' capabilities, which are, um, it's actually pretty funny when you think about it. Kris is basically a sex god and almost every date with Jeremy ended with my vibrator.

"And if you must know, Kris wears me out, if I’m honest. Like I’m sore for three days after. And he gives me at least three org*sms every time. Not like I finger myself kind of org*sms. Like way better than my vibrator kind of org*sms. So just get over yourself. There’s like a thousand reasons I’d rather be with Kris. And by the way, we're together together, like serious, like exclusive. And don’t you dare f*cking talk about him like that.”

Ok, I really didn’t need to add that last part. I didn’t need to say any of it because I’m the one that hurt him, and I’m feeling more than a little ashamed. Damn it, I’m f*cking pissed, though. It’s his fault for bringing Kris into it. Damn, I really need to work on controlling my temper... c*nt mother f*cking sh*t fart f*cking...

“God, you’re such a bitch. I wish I had known. You know, I actually really liked you. Such a f*cking waste of time.” I am a f*cking bitch. God, I’m such an asshole. I can’t believe I said that to him.

“I’m only a bitch when people insult my boyfriend like that. Thanks for opening the door for us, even if you just did it so you could get the final word in.” He only said all that sh*t because he opened the door to me kissing my boyfriend after I called him out of the f*cking blue to do me a f*cking favor when he thought I wanted to hook up or go out for late night Chinese or whatever.

“Don’t f*cking call me again, c*nt.”

“Cool! So I’ll see you next Tuesday? Thanks again!” He raises his middle finger as he turns for the elevator. That's fair. I am a c*nt.

sh*t, I can’t even look at Kris, or Sven or Olaf, right now. I’m so f*cking ashamed of saying all that sh*t and losing my temper like that. I run to the stairs and back to our apartment.

I leave the door to the apartment open for the guys, but I grab the bottle of whiskey and a glass, lock the door to my room, and crank up Gerda Keeper. “All I found”. And then she sings “The Next Right Thing.” She always makes me feel better. I can imagine my mom saying “cuddle close, scooch in”, singing those songs to me, and stroking my hair. I hug the blanket she knitted for me when I was a baby and wait for Kris to knock on the door to break up with me. Now he knows what an asshole I am. I can't believe this is how it's going to end.

Chapter 18: Anxieties

Chapter Text

~ Kris ~

“Dude, you better go after her,” says Sven.

I honestly don’t even know where to start. I’m just shocked. In chronological order, there’s her breaking up with some dude just so she could have internet sex with me. I’m so f*cking flattered. I had no f*cking clue she liked me that much. She said she didn’t want a relationship and I really sort of thought it was me. But it f*cking wasn’t. But then there was another dude she was apparently seeing, too? Maybe more? Of course none of that was long distance... f*ck. She gave all that up for me. At least one guy anyway, and that’s sure as hell more than enough.

And then there’s that stuff that guy said about how old I was. We all know I’m robbing the f*cking cradle. That’s not really news. How many times did she tell me how much she liked the silver on my chest? She didn’t even have to say she liked my crow’s feet. I know she wants to touch them but she doesn’t because she thinks it’ll make me feel bad. And when she touches my hair she always goes for the faded part first. She’s seen my magnesium and my Tylenol Arthritis, and the things we did after that... It obviously doesn’t bother her. No, she f*cking loves her cradle being robbed.

And then there were all the things she said to that guy that were so mean, like about him being so bad at sex. She only said them to him because he said mean things about us. But, damn. That guy did not deserve that. He was upset because he saw us kissing. Who wouldn’t be? I definitely would be if i were him. I hope she never talks to me like that. Jeez, her temper. What will she say to me if I ever piss her off like that?

But she was just defending me, really. And the things he said about her weren’t exactly very nice either. Nowhere near as bad as what she said to him, though. At least until he called her a c*nt. Ok, "slu*t" wasn't exactly nice either, but f*ck how she f*cking shut that one down. And her response to being called a "c*nt" was so f*cking badass.

It can’t have felt good to have him say those things to her, especially in front of me. I would have definitely said some sh*t to him but Anna was more than capable of defending herself and me. Like, I definitely would have said more than what I did say, which was kind of lame, but, hey, if he was gonna call me "Grandpa", I was gonna own it. If I look twice her age, he looks half, and that's so much worse.

And then there were the things she said about me... about sex. I'd rather she hadn't said all that stuff. But, wow. She really thinks a lot of me. Even if she was exaggerating. At least a little. Even if the reason why I can do all that stuff is because I'm f*cking old and really, if you want to talk about a slu*t... But I guess Anna feels like she benefits from it. And I'm f*cking fine with that.

She can be so loving and sweet, but she can also build an ice fortress around herself when she feels threatened. Sven’s right. I better go talk to her. She’s obviously pretty upset and embarrassed.

“Go ahead. We’ll clean up here. Just, make sure the door knob is unlocked."

"Put a rock in front of the door or something just in case!” suggests Olaf.

“Thanks, guys.”

Knock, knock, knock.

Is she grumbling? I knock again. “Hey, Anna. It’s me. Can I come in?”

“That depends.”

“On what?”

“On whether you’re going to break up with me.”

She really thinks I'm going to break up with her? She’s being so melodramatic. And so Anna, I chuckle. “I’m not gonna break up with you.”

She stomps to the door and unlocks it. I hear the mattress squeak and squeeze in, shutting the door behind me.

Wow. She’s a f*cking mess. And she’s hiding under a blanket. I settle in to spoon her and stroke her hair. She must like it because she presses into me. This is not the f*cking time to tell her you love her…

“So that was interesting.”

“Kris! Stop. I’m so embarrassed. He didn’t f*cking deserve any of that. It was all true, but I didn’t need to say it to him. I’m the one that hurt him. And I made it so much worse. And now you’ve seen my temper. God, what you must think of me. And Sven and Olaf. Ugh!”

Now she’s under a pillow. This is not the f*cking time…

“Anna, I… I don’t hate you, ok? And neither do they. He said some really mean things about me and it hurt, and you were defending me. Plus he said some pretty sh*tty things about you, and I’m sure you didn’t want anyone else to hear them."

“Yeah, but that doesn’t make it ok.”

“Maybe not. But… Hey, can you look at me?” She rolls over.

“I…”

So not the time, dude.

“I still really like you. And I still want to be with you. Ok?”

She buries her head in my chest and I put my chin on top of her head. Then she turns her head so she can breathe.

So she’s not perfect after all. Then why the hell do I f*cking love her even more?

*****

~ HM ~

Elsa’s asleep. It was really the only way to settle her mind. She has anxiety pills to take in case her OCD gets out of hand and she really can’t turn off her brain. She’ll probably be out for 10 hours or so. It sucks that our third to last night got ruined, but there’s two more nights. Plus, I’m really glad I could be there for her when she needed me. Anna could have handled it on her own, but she had other stuff to deal with. Damn. Olaf told me what happened. I’m so f*cking lucky she didn’t lay into me like that after what I said to Kris. Cause what I said was way worse and hurt him way more. It led to him falling asleep drunk on the couch two nights. Like he needs another f*cking reason to drink. But he hasn’t touched it since we got to Arendelle, at least, not that I’ve noticed. I’m glad Anna has that effect on him, but I’m also really worried for when she’s not there. We still have 3 ½ more months until he can see her again. And we’re definitely not going to stay and write in North Mountain right after the tour. He’s going home for at least a month so his mom can fix him up.

Finally Anna and Kristoff come out.

“Do you guys want some tea?” she asks. Everyone agrees. We all need something comforting after the roller coaster we’ve been on. Those Darling sisters really do make life more interesting.

I help her hand out the mugs, while she says, “I’m really sorry, Sven and Olaf, that you guys had to see that side of me.”

“No, I mean, that guy was a dick. How long did you date him?”

“About a month. But it was doomed from the start. I was gonna break up with him whenever you guys came back to Arendelle anyway.”

“Wow, you must really like Kris,” Olaf says.

“I do.” She looks at Kris when she says it and he turns bright red. Oh, I love it. Good for them. How many women has he slept with over the years that he didn’t give a sh*t about? It’s about damn time.

“So what was going on with Elsa?” asks Sven. Did you say something about OCD?”

Olaf elbows him in the stomach. “You don’t have to tell us.”

I look at Anna. I’m gonna let her handle this one. She knows Elsa a lot better than I do, and she knows a hell of a lot more about OCD.

“Well, since you already know, I might as well explain.”

“But don’t make a big deal about it. She doesn’t want people to know,” I say.

“Isn’t OCD like washing your hands all the time, or wanting everything to be just right and even, or clean?" asks Olaf.

"Or locking doors five times?” Sven adds.

“Mmmm, yes and no,” says Anna. “Those are kinds of compulsions, but they’re not the only kind. And OCD is not about being anal or particular or preferring things to be in order. It’s a very serious mental illness that can take many forms.” Sven looks confused, so I jump in.

“Just because someone is extremely organized or likes to be clean doesn’t mean they have OCD.”

“And, by the way, OCD is not an adjective. It stands for Obssessive-Compulsive Disorder. Disorder . It’s not a cute personality quirk. Like you saw on the roof, it’s something that can easily take over people’s lives.” She leaves out the part about Elsa being in the hospital. That’s a little too personal. I’m relieved she’s going to leave out the details and just explain things to them in general. We’ll see if they understand. So far they seem to be with us.

“So what is it?” asks Kris.

“It’s a vicious cycle. It starts with an obsession, or a repeated disturbing thought, image, or feeling called an intrusive thought. It’s things the person doesn’t want to think about but can’t help. For example, a person might worry that someone is going to break into their house and hurt their family. But those thoughts and images pop into their head randomly, and they can’t control them. Or they worry about germs on their hands making them sick. And I don’t mean just being dirty from touching surfaces that other people have touched. I mean, like they have thoughts that those germs will kill them or send them to the hospital. It’s not just wanting to be clean after going to the bathroom or whatever.”

“So, basically, it’s an unwanted thought that the person can’t stop thinking about, and makes them worry more than normal people?” asks Olaf. You know, he’s much smarter than I give him credit for.

“Maybe don’t think of people that don’t have OCD as ‘normal’.”

“Oh, right. I didn’t even think about that.”

"And obsession doesn't mean you really like something. Like Sven's not actually 'obsessed' with Elsa's gloves. He just likes them a lot." He totally understands that.

Anna continues. “And then the obsession leads to excessive worry, anxiety, it’s just really uncomfortable for anyone. And actually, I forgot to say that everyone has intrusive thoughts. But people without OCD can just let them go and move on. People with OCD have a hard time doing that. Instead, they perform compulsions, which are repeated behaviors or thoughts that make the anxiety go away. And then they get relief.”

“So for a person that is worried about getting sick from having germs on their hands, they wash their hands a lot so they can feel better?” asks Sven.

“Exactly. It’s different for everyone, but people with that kind of OCD could need to wash their hands three times before the anxiety goes away, or wash them for a certain amount of time, or need a certain kind of soap, or four pumps of hand sanitizer. It’s different for everyone, but the thing to remember is that they do or think something that makes their anxiety go away. And because that behavior leads to relief, they perform it again whenever the obsession comes back.”

“And someone that’s worried their house will be broken into might lock the door a certain amount of times?” asks Kris.

Ok, they’re getting it.

“Right, but there might be other things they do instead. Like install a security camera and set alerts for whenever someone comes into view, but instead of just checking when the alerts pop up, they check it whenever they think ‘What if someone’s breaking in right now and the alert function is broken?’ Or they might think that if they don’t check it at a certain time then someone might break in. People with OCD ask a lot of “what if” questions.” I chime in. This was an example Elsa told me. Anna nods her head in approval.

“That makes sense. I mean, it doesn’t, but I can see how that would be terrifying for someone and how doing something as simple as checking your phone could make them feel better.” says Kris.

“Right. And, I mean, it’s definitely a scale. Some people experience more severe symptoms than others. But really severe symptoms can lead to pretty serious consequences, like injury or losing your job. Like a person that washes their hands in water that has to be hot enough, whatever that means to them, to kill germs could burn their hands. Of if they wash to much and with harsh soap, they could get skin problems. And if they have to lock the door a certain amount of times or constantly check their phone they could have trouble getting to work on time or they could have trouble concentrating, and those things could get them fired. Or maybe they have to run home on breaks or whatever just to check on their house and miss work because of it.”

“Wow, I never really thought of it that way. So when people say they’re ‘a little OCD’...” says Olaf.

“They have no f*cking clue what that even means. No one’s just ‘a little OCD’. It’s a really serious condition and it ruins lives.” I answer.

“So how does Elsa have it? She doesn’t check the locks, that I’ve noticed, and she doesn’t wash her hands all the time," asks Olaf.

“The gloves?” Sven supplies. Wow, that’s impressive. sh*t, he’s feeling guilty because he was always complimenting her gloves and she even gave him a pair.

“Does she have a thing about dirt?” asks Olaf?

I’m gonna let Anna take this one, too. “It’s not dirt, actually. It's a kind of OCD that makes her worry that people are going to get hurt, and even worse, that she’s going to hurt them. That’s her obsession. And her compulsion is to wear the gloves. When she wears the gloves she feels like everyone’s safe because they prevent her from doing anything harmful.”

“Elsa really thinks she’s going to hurt anyone? Elsa? Really?” asks Sven. “She’s like the nicest person I’ve ever met.”

“Yeah, well, that’s the thing about harm OCD. Part of why it’s so distressing to her is because she’s not actually going to do anything harmful. But when she gets those thoughts she’s so worried that she might actually act on them.”

“So that’s why she was so upset when Sven and I were leaning over the ledge. She thought we might fall?”

“I can’t say for certain what was running through her head, but she could have been picturing you falling, or what you would look like splattered on the pavement. But yes, she was worried something bad would happen to you.”

“And she hasn’t been wearing her gloves lately, except when we’re driving and performing, you know, because she was actually getting better. But she didn’t have her gloves on the roof. So she couldn’t get that instant relief when her anxiety level got worse. She thought you might fall since she wasn’t wearing them.”

“Whoa… that’s… not even possible,” says Sven. “Does she really believe that?”

“No. In fact, most people with OCD know how irrational their fears are, but it’s that ‘what if’, that doubt, that keeps the cycle going.”

“Wow, poor Elsa,” says Olaf.

“Yeah, it really sucks for her. But she’s been working really hard to get better,” I say.

“Honestly, I think being around you guys has been the best medicine for her.” Anna looks at me when she says it and her face is filled with f*cking gratitude and respect.

“Really?” asks Sven. I’m pretty sure Elsa is his spirit animal. Not in like a way that he’s in love with her, because he’s definitely in love with Olaf. But more like a pet. But not like in a pejorative way. Like a spirit animal way. It’s cute.

“So, what can we do to help her?” asks Kris. Ok, I’m not like a super emotional sort of person, but Kris, of all people, asking that question really gets me. Because this is sort of like the talk we had about him, and Elsa was so concerned for him. And she’s the one to ask how we could help him. Sometimes I just f*cking love the dude. He annoys the hell out of me, like a lot of the time, like way more than my actual brother. But I love him just as much.

“The best thing to do is not let her give in to her compulsions,” says Anna.

“So like make her take the gloves off?” asks Sven.

“No, I mean, don’t bring attention to it. Just, like don’t encourage her to wear them. If she’s not wearing them, don’t say anything. Just silently acknowledge how difficult that is for her and how f*cking awesome she is for facing her fears,” I answer. That’s exactly what Elsa told me when I asked.

“Yeah. And I don’t really want to go into specifics about her obsessions and compulsions. I mean, we told you about the gloves and the ledge, but that’s only because that’s what you already know. But sometimes she has a reassurance compulsion. Meaning instead of her gloves keeping her safe, she needs reassurance that her obsession is not correct.”

“I know you don’t want to say anything specific, but could you give an example? I’m assuming our way of helping her with that is to not give her the reassurance?” asks Kris.

“Yeah. Ok. An example. But not specific to her. Like if I thought I hurt your feelings. And I apologized and you said I didn’t actually hurt your feelings. A person without that kind of OCD might accept that the person's feelings didn't get hurt and move on. But if I had that kind of OCD, I might ask you five minutes later if you were sure. Because I strongly believed that I could have hurt your feelings and you just weren’t telling me the truth about it for some reason. And I kept asking you if I had and you kept saying 'no' but but I had to keep asking. Every time you said 'no' I'd feel better. But then the doubt creeps in, and then the anxiety..."

" and then the compulsion, which, in this case is seeking reassurance?”

"Exactly." I always thought Olaf was just a smart ass, but he actually is smart.

“So what would we say if she does that kind of thing?” asks Kris.

“Be nice about it, but let her know you’re not going to answer anymore. You could say something like, you already told her or she doesn’t need to keep asking or you completely forgot about the incident or just change the subject. Don’t be mean about it. Just don’t give in.”

“But, like, won’t that make her anxiety worse?” asks Sven. He definitely has his moments, too.

“Yes, temporarily. But the way to stop the obsessions from coming back is to stop the compulsions. If you take away the compulsions, you break the cycle. She'll learn that she doesn't need the compulsions to get relief. It's called exposure therapy.”

“sh*t. I really had no idea. I can’t believe Elsa’s been dealing with this the whole time," says Kris. "That must be awful."

“It is,” says Anna. “But she was doing great.”

The look on Sven’s face. He’s feeling really guilty right now. “It’s not your fault, Sven,” I tell him. “First of all, you didn’t know and you didn’t do anything wrong. This is Elsa’s problem and it has nothing to do with you or anyone else. Secondly, you heard Anna. The best thing to do is to help her stop the compulsions. When she wakes up tomorrow you’ll show her that you and Kris are ok and nothing bad happened to you even though she wasn’t wearing her gloves.”

“It’ll help,” says Anna. “But maybe just don’t say anything about the gloves.”

“Are you gonna tell her we had this talk?” asks Kris.

f*cking A. We’re sure as hell not going to tell him or Anna about the talk we had on the bus.

“I think that’s for the best,” says Anna. I’m relieved to hear that. Because I really don’t want to keep any secrets from Elsa. And I don’t think this is a good secret to keep. She deserves to know that everyone knows about her and cares. We can’t tell Kris about the talk on the bus because that would only make things worse. It would probably make him push us all away and drink more. It feels real sh*tty to have talked about Kris behind his back like that. But it’s for his own good, right? Maybe Anna will fix it like his mom always does. Or she’ll make it worse. Not on purpose, of course. I really hope Kris doesn't f*ck it up. And Anna gets over all the sh*t her ex-husband did.

*****

~ Anna ~

I can't really sleep. I still feel horrible for how I talked to Jeremy. And about Elsa. Just in general. Kris is fast asleep and cutely snoring. Sven and Olaf are sleeping in the living room so I grab a bottle, a glass, and a shoe (to prop the door open) and go back on the roof to look at the stars.

HM’s leaving Elsa’s room at the same time. She’s surprised to see me up, but I hold up the bottle and grab another glass. We can both use this after last night.

“So you and Kris seem really happy.”

“Yeah. It’s so f*cking good right now. I really hate that he has to leave in a couple days, though. It sucks. I’m gonna miss him so much.”

“Yeah, I hear you.”

“But you guys are so much better at long distance.”

“I don’t know. I guess I think about it like either she’s in my life or she’s not. And I want her in, and that’s the only way. You know?”

“Yeah, I definitely know.”

"But this is a hell of a bad time to leave her."

"If she's still like that when she wakes up, after her medicine wears off, I'm gonna talk to her about going back to the hospital. Not for as long as before. Just to get her back on track."

"It sucks how much better she was doing to have such a huge setback like that."

"Yeah, but you don't even know how much worse it was before. And to see her go from where she was back then to where she was when she got back to Arendelle? God, she's like the strongest f*cking person I know."

"Yeah, she really is something else."

"And she's gonna get over this hump just like she did before. I'm sure of it. Especially since she has you in her corner now."

"And Kris, and Sven, and Olaf. And even Ryder. I mean, he doesn't know and I'm not gonna tell him, but he's there for her all the same."

"That really means a lot to me, that she has all that support."

“You know, Kris is never gonna tell you. But his birthday is in about a month.”

“Really?”

I look at the calendar on my phone to see when that was. No sh*t. That’s right in the middle of our February hiatus. I don’t have any rehearsals or concerts that week.

“Yeah. But don’t tell him I told you. We’ll be in Enchanted Forest. If case you were wondering...”

“I wasn't, actually. Nope. Not at all.”

“So, you know, we’ll be there for two days.”

“And the two days before that? And the two days after?”

I’m gonna sleep on that f*cking tour bus with him. Like so many times. Like for a whole week. Assuming they’ll give me a ride to the airport…

“And I was wondering… do you have a recording of ‘I’ll Know What to Say and Do?’”

“Yes… what are you gonna do?”

“You’ll see,” I wink. “St. Patrick’s Day is coming up, too… Do you guys have a show that day?”

She checks her calendar. “You know? We don’t, actually, or two days after that.”

“That's so interesting...” We clink glasses. I Iike this partnership we just formed.

Chapter 19: Exposure

Chapter Text

~ Kris ~

Anna sent us away to get breakfast so she and HM could talk to Elsa and ease her into the idea that we all know. Of course I forgot Anna’s keys. This is definitely the week of locked doors.

That same kid that let me in the first time is leaving. Hopefully he’ll be nice again.

“Wait. Holy sh*t. You’re Sven from the Reindeer Herders. Aren’t you?”

Sven’s not wearing a dress today, but he is wearing a bubble gum pink wig and three inch sandals. And his eye makeup is ready for tonight’s show.

“Yeah. How ya doin’, man?”

“What are you doing here, though?”

“Oh, well, Kris’ girlfriend lives here. So we’re just staying here for a couple of days.”

“Right on, right on. Oh! You mean Kristoff Bjorgman? The guitarist?”

“Hello,” I say. This is gonna be good since he didn’t even register I was there, or that he held the door open for me before.

“Ohhhhh. Um, my bad. Dude, I’m such a fan. Your songs are the sh*t. I write a little myself, but nowhere near what you can do.”

“Well, you just gotta keep doing it and you’ll get there.”

“Do you mind if I take a selfie with you?”

“Sure.” The four of us squeeze into the frame. Wait. Anna said that Krya had a crush on some guy that lives here. Maybe this is the guy?

“Hey, um, what’s your name? I’ll put you on the guest list for our show. If you can make it.”

“Totally! Oh, that’s so awesome! Yes, I’d love to go.”

“Cool. Well, my girlfriend Anna, she’s actually going there with a friend of hers tonight.”

“Uh, definitely. That would be great. Who’s your girlfriend?”

“Anna Darling? She's in 4E.”

“No f*cking way. She’s so f*cking hot.” Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. He's already really good at ignoring Kyra, apparently. Now he's just gonna be focused on Anna the whole night. Not that she'd be even remotely interested, and if he tried anything well, we've all seen her destroy a man with her words. But poor Kyra.

“Yeah… I’m definitely aware of that.”

“Oh, right. Sorry, man. I guess I mean, like, yeah, good for you.”

Uh-huh. What a f*cking prick. I’m pretty sure he’s not even good enough for Kyra. Not if she’s as awesome as Anna says she is. sh*t. This started out as a brilliant idea but I see now that it was probably a huge mistake.

f*ck.

*****

~ Elsa ~

How did this happen to me again? I was doing so well… Anyway, what matters is where I go from here. And I do NOT want to go back to the hospital. I know what they’re gonna tell me. Exactly what they told me before. And I did everything they said and I ended up right back here at square one. I’m doing this my way from now on. From now on I’m in charge, and not my OCD. There’s too much at stake now. Before it was just me. But now… I love Honeymaren so much. And this is not going to stand in the way of my happiness.

Oh, the guys are back. Oh god, that smells so good… If I go out there, I’m going to have to face them. And now they know. I’m cringing. What will they think of me? Well, I’m not ready to take my gloves off. These are really thin, and they’ll be the easiest to eat with.

“Oh, Elsa!” says Kris. “Hey, how’s it going?”

Sweet. Normal. Ugh.

“Good. You?” I’m afraid to ask. I know they all lost sleep because of me and now they have to stay up late for their show.

“I’m good. Thanks for asking.”

Double sweet. He’s the complete opposite of Hans.

“Hey, Elsa. I saved you a seat.” Sven’s wearing his gloves. In solidarity. He’s not going to mention mine at all, but he’s showing me that I’m not alone. And I’m not weird or crazy.

I haven’t had a bagel in so long…

“So, Elsa, do you think you’ll come to our show tonight?” Olaf asks. Honeymaren elbows him in the stomach, but not so it hurt. Everyone thinks that’s not an appropriate question. It’s fine, but I don’t know yet. That’s the answer.

“Well, I was thinking, if you maybe wanted to borrow one of my wigs? I have this really pretty periwinkle one that would be perfect with your complexion. What do you think?”

I want to wear that wig so badly…

Sigh. “Do you think maybe you and Kris could help me with something after we finish eating?”

“Yeah, of course,” they both say. I love these guys.

*****

~ Anna ~

Kyra's wearing Irish dance competition makeup. She does go to one of those Irish dance schools, and I’ve been to one of their performances, and holy sh*t can that girl kick. But for tonight? No. Just. No. I gave Elsa a punk rock barbie makeover, and Kyra’s gonna get the same treatment. It’s not just her first punk show. It’s her first rock concert. Period. This has to be special for her.

Kris invited some kid from the building to go with us to the show. He didn’t really say exactly, but it seemed like he regretted asking him. But it was really sweet of him to remember that Kyra had a crush on someone in the building, and he thought that might be the guy. It was thoughtful. Just maybe not well thought out? I don't know. We'll just have to see. I could hardly be upset with him about it when his heart was in the right place like that, though.

“So, what do you think?”

“Oh. My. God. Ohmygod, Anna! I’m so pretty and cool!”

That’s my girl.

“You look like you’re ready for the mosh pit! But we’re not really going to mosh because your dad would kill me.”

“I wasn’t really up for getting hit in the head tonight anyway.”

“Me neither. So, listen. That guy that lives in the building that you have a crush on… what’s his name?”

“Dax. Why?”

Oh boy.

“Well… so Kris met him in the building. I think he let him in when he forgot to take my key. And he put him on the guest list for the show tonight.”

Ok, I should have put in ear plugs for her teenage screams. The show, fine, don’t need them. But for Kyra? Holy sh*t.

“I know you’re excited, but can I give you some advice?”

“Yeah! Totally! I’m all ears.”

“This is your first concert. Don’t make it about him. Make it about you. And HM, and Kris, and Sven, and Olaf. Ok? It’s not about a boy. It’s great that he’s there, but just do you, yeah?”

“I think I know what you’re saying. He probably won’t even want to talk to me anyway.”

I thought about getting dressed up with Kyra. But after that whole thing with Elsa last night, I’m just not feeling it. I throw on some black jeans and my Oaken’s Irish Pub t-shirt. Lip gloss, light coat of mascara. Whatever. Tonight’s about Kyra.

Elsa went ahead with HM, to spend more time with her and to put on Sven's wig. I can’t wait to see her in it! I really don't know who was more excited, Elsa or Sven, though. Elsa set herself a goal. If she could reach a certain point in her exposure therapy exercises today, she'd get to wear the wig tonight. Kris told me what they did on the roof, and I’m so f*cking impressed with the three of them. So awesome. I don’t think Elsa’s gonna need to go back to the hospital at this rate. People that get to wear periwinkle wigs don't need to be in hospitals.

So. Now we wait for Dax. What kind of a name is that anyway? We can’t just be sitting around waiting for him, though. So we’ll pregame it with my favorite Reindeer Herders album and some step dancing. We’re laughing and just having a great time together. Like we always do. I have such a bad f*cking feeling about this guy. I don’t know what it is. But… I’ll keep an open mind.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Kyra’s trying her hardest not to jump up and down and squeal.

“Be cool.” I whisper as I open the door.

“Hey, you must be Dax. Kris told me you were gonna come by. Come on in.”

Ok. I’ll give him credit for when he notices Kyra. He's stunned.

“This is my friend Kyra.”

“Oh, um, hey. I’m Dax.”

“Hi.” That is cool. She’s really holding her sh*t down. She's working so hard not to freak out right now. I'm proud of her. And this is beyond cute.

“So, where do you go to school?”

“Arendelle High School. I’m a junior.”

“Cool, me, too.” I have to roll my eyes at least a little at that. He didn’t f*cking notice her until she turned into Amy Winehouse with frizzy hair. Reserving judgement... Keeping an open mind...

*****

~ Elsa ~

Honeymaren is getting dressed for the show, and she’s doing it so slowly, and I know she doesn’t have time for what I want to do right now, but my mouth is watering for her. I’m just going to be ravenous after the show. Ugh. It’s going to be a very long couple of hours watching her sing and wearing nothing but those platform sandals, short leather shorts, extremely revealing tank top made from a ripped up t-shirt. How can anyone be that cool? OCD, you better stay the hell away from me tonight!

I’m not just gonna miss Honeymaren, though. I’m gonna miss Sven and Kris and Olaf. It’s been so long since I had so many people in my life that cared about me that much. Anna always has, but there was that time when even she stayed away. I know it was because Hans poisoned her mind with his false promises and ultimatums. Fortunately, Anna was way stronger than him. Just like I’m way stronger than my OCD. I proved that today, on the roof with Sven and Kris.

“Are you sure about this, Elsa?” asks Kris. He’s so worried.

“Wait, what are we doing on the roof?” asks Sven.

“It’s called exposure therapy. It’s the best treatment for OCD. Basically, you do the opposite of your compulsion until you see that the obsession is just that. So you learn that you don’t need the compulsion to deal with it and you stop the cycle. I think Anna and Honeymaren explained all of that to you? Anyway, I was kind of hoping you’d help me with it.”

“We’re here for you, Elsa. Whatever you need.” I’m gonna miss Sven so much.

“Just tell us what to do.”

“Ok, so my obsession from last night was imagining you two, because you’re so tall, fall of the roof. So, what we’re gonna do is walk across the roof to the ledge together, until it bothers me. And then we’re gonna stand there until I feel ok with it. And then we’re gonna keep doing that until we get to the ledge and I feel ok with it. And then, if I’m feeling up to it, you’re gonna back away so I’m standing there by myself. And then we’re gonna do it again, but without my gloves.”

“Ok. Yeah. We can definitely do that,” says Kris.

“You can do this, Elsa. We believe in you."

I hold onto their arms, determined to show my OCD that I’m the boss. They’re right. I can do this. We start by slowly walking across the roof, like I told them. We only had to stop three times so I could gather myself, which was way less than I thought. When we got to the ledge, though, I crouched down into a ball and squeezed my eyes shut. I just can’t look over. What if I fall? It’s such a long way down. I’d definitely die. Oh no! What if I push them over the ledge? It’s bad enough if I fall over, but if I push them? That would be so much worse!

“Elsa. Elsa, it’s fine. We’re not going anywhere. We’re ok,” says Sven. His voice is always so calm and collected. It’s soothing and I believe him.

“How bout you just stand up and we’ll back away for just a minute and we just stand here looking at the clouds. See how the sun is just barely peeking through? Isn’t that pretty?”

It is pretty. And it’s working. I forgot I was on the roof for a minute.

“Feel better?” asks Sven.

“Yes, can we keep trying?”

“We have all the time in the world. Well, until 2, and it’s…” Kris pulls his phone out of his pocket and it bothers me that he’s not paying attention to where the ledge is.

Sven notices how uncomfortable I am and whispers to me, “exposure therapy, right?”

Of course he’s right, so I smile. It makes me feel good that he gets it and really buys into it. Kris puts his phone back and announces that we have another 2 ½ hours and that I have their full attention.

What if he doesn’t get to spend enough time with Anna and then goes right back to drinking? And it’s my fault because I took up all his time? I can’t even say that to him because he doesn’t know we all know he has a problem. Sven’s right. Exposure therapy. I’m not going to say anything. Besides, I don’t think he’s had anything to drink since he got to Arendelle. He’s gonna be fine. Take that, OCD! Right now, the roof. Focus on the roof. And that freaking ledge.

Finally we get there. And we’re standing there. We stand there for probably a good 5 - 10 minutes. I’m doing it! I’m doing it!

I let go of their arms. And I’m standing there. And we’re all fine. I even allowed myself to look down. That’s a long way down… But I’m not going to jump. And Sven and Kris aren’t going to push me. They’re just not. They like me. And they wouldn’t do that to me. But what if they did it by accident? That’s ridiculous. They’re not even touching me. I let these thoughts go through my head, and each time they do and I don’t get pushed over they get a little weaker and quieter. Finally, I feel relieved.

“Ok. Now back away from me so I’m standing here by myself.” The same thoughts run through my head again. I sit with them. I let my OCD say whatever it wants to say. It can say it, but I don’t have to listen. It’s not even worth talking to anymore. And eventually it stops. I’m so relieved that I reward myself by looking at the pretty clouds and sunburst Kris pointed out before. Then I look in front of me again, then down and front again. I don’t have to worry. It doesn’t matter how much I worry, I’m not going anywhere. So what’s the point of worrying?

Ok, now for the biggest test. I didn’t mention this to Kris and Sven. Because I honestly didn’t even think I could get here. But I’m gonna try. I turn so my back is to the ledge. I can see the surprise in their faces. They both reach out their arms to me for whenever I’m ready. I don’t take them, though. Instead, I turn back around and look forward, and then down again. It’s fine. Shut up, OCD. I’m not gonna fall and I don’t need you. Just go away.

Those clouds are so pretty! And Kris and Sven are so sweet. The three of us face the door and go back to my apartment.

“Can we go back and do that again in a little while? I need to reinforce it.”

“Like Kris said, we can do this until 2. You just let us know when you’re ready to try again.”

We did that two more times before they had to go. And each time it got a little easier. Now that I’ve gotten the ledge thing down, hopefully, tomorrow I’ll work on doing it without the gloves tomorrow. They said they had all morning to work with me like that again.

Not only did I think I’d never have friends again. Because my OCD wouldn’t let me have that for myself. But I never imagined having such good friends that cared about me this much. Friends that support me even though they know about my OCD. Friends that don’t judge me or make me feel bad about it. It’s like having two more Annas, just a lot taller and with bigger muscles. It’s like having brothers.

Chapter 20: Compulsions

Chapter Text

Just leaving Arendelle...

~ HM ~

Damn, I don’t want to leave Elsa like this. I wish I could stay with her. But she’ll have Anna. And Anna’s way more capable of helping her than I am. Maybe next month… She doesn’t know. And neither does Kris. We agreed to keep it a surprise for Kris’ birthday. But Anna’s going to tell Elsa ahead of time. Obviously.

Kris has been doing so well since he got to Arendelle. It’s been a while since he’s been this sober for this long. It’s not that he really had a problem before. It was more that he just drank more than he should. Like it was always under control. And he’d only on occasion fall asleep drunk on the couch or wake me up with his yakking in the bathroom. Anyway, I really hope he doesn’t go back to the way he was before he went back to Arendelle.

~ Kris ~

This f*cking sucks. I want to be curled up on the couch with Anna watching Titanic, or whatever other girly movie she wants to watch. I can’t believe I have to say “goodbye” to her again. I thought about asking her to come on tour with us, but I didn’t. I knew she wouldn’t be able to leave the symphony mid-season like that. Just like I can’t leave the tour. But f*cking A… does any of that really matter anyway? Of course it does. We need to have jobs, don’t we?

I take a few sips of a can of co*ke and then pour that amount of whiskey on top of it. Sven just gives me a self-righteous look.

“Hey, man, we just got on the road like a half hour ago. You’re already hitting it?”

Look at him. Olaf’s tucked under his arm and he’s covered by Sven’s jacket. How can he possibly be judging me right now? I’m glad he and Sven finally got together, and that they’re so happy. But he has no f*cking clue what it’s like for the person he loves to not be there with him. For months at a time. He has no f*cking clue how much that f*cking hurts.

“Just to take the edge off.”

Is he f*cking shaking his head at me? Seriously, what the f*ck? It’s not like I’m an alcoholic or anything. I don’t have to drink. I proved that this week. I could have drank with Anna, but I didn’t. Even though it made her uncomfortable, which I hated doing. Anyway, he acts like I have some f*cking problem. I’m not anything like my dad.

~ Elsa ~

Anna’s working with me on the roof now. Sven and Kris can’t, obviously, so Anna’s taken over. She’s a little tougher, pushes me harder. They were kind and gentle and followed my lead. And I was doing really well. But Anna challenges me. Just when I think I’ve won she tells me she knows I can do even more. Her support means so much to me, and however much I want to be in charge, and I am - I let her push me like that, after all - it’s nice to have a coach who makes me not want to settle for good enough.

I haven’t taken my gloves off since the roof, but Anna insists I take them off any time I’m in the bathroom. And I consent to that. It's a start anyway. But I can’t take them off otherwise. What if Honeymaren is driving? What if I take them off and they get in an accident? I really can’t take that chance. I decide not to wash my hair, and it’s really the quickest shower I’ve ever taken. And I’m trying not to drink water because then I won’t need to go to the bathroom as often.

“Elsa, you know avoidance is a compulsion, right?”

“I know, but…”

“Exposure therapy. Here. I made you some tea. It’s peppermint. Your favorite.”

Ok. I do love peppermint tea. One cup won’t hurt, will it? Anna’s right. Today my shower was two minutes. Next time maybe I’ll do five.

“I could have not taken a shower at all, though.”

“That’s true. You do deserve credit for that.”

I know it's small. And to most people it would even seem like I was back pedaling. But that's because they don't know. They look at me and they see a happy, "normal" girl. They see a duck sitting on water. They don't see my legs constantly kicking to keep me afloat. What happens when I stop kicking? I'll either sink or float. And would would happen if I sank? Would I drown? I can't take that chance. So my legs keep going.

~ Anna ~

“I’ll Know What to Say and Do”. It’s a sweet song, now that I can hear the lyrics. It’s about two dorks in love. No matter how hard they try they always seem to get it wrong or something gets in the way. But they find each other in the end, because in the end it’s all those quirks that makes them love each other even more. HM said Kris wrote it about me. Oh my f*cking god. Did he really? All those times I tripped on my underwear and pulled my dress from under his feet and burped in his mouth… those are the things he likes best about me? At first I’m a little offended and embarrassed. But the more I listen, and I pay attention to his voice, I realize how big of a compliment it is. It’s a huge f*cking compliment. What he’s saying is how much he likes me for me. Exactly as I am. It’s not that our quirks make it hard for us to be together. No, that's what makes it easy and fantastic. By not being able to get it right he means timing and distance. It’s subtle, but it’s there in the chorus.

Break out the violin. “Whiskey in the Jar”. I can’t believe he f*cking did that. He just continues to amaze me. I really like him. I really f*cking like him. How much better would my life be if I really woke up to his sleepy face every morning. It’s never going to happen. I’m never going to have that with anyone so I might as well stop thinking about that. There are so many things I’ve agreed to give up for him, just so I could get a selfie every morning and have an hour phone call every day. I might as well be married to him. Because that’s what our relationship is. I’m de facto married to him. I can’t see anyone else, but I can’t have him either. It’s just like my relationship with Hans. The only difference is that Kris is actually present when we’re together. And he’s present when we talk on the phone. And he keeps his promises, even goes out of his way to show me how much he cares. f*ck, when he showed up at my door like that. And then he wanted to play with us instead of kicking everyone out. And how sweet he was with Kyra?

And that’s not even mentioning how f*cking hot he is - I could just go on and on about all his sexy features. And how he just somehow magically always knows exactly what I want? He may not always know what to say, but sure as hell knows what to do. I hit repeat on the song.

f*ck, it’s such a good song. And it’s about me. He wrote it about me. God damn it. I don’t want to feel this way about the song. But it’s way too f*cking late for that. Because I f*cking do. And I never want it to stop. I love this song so much.

f*ck . Where’s my vibrator?

3 weeks later...

~ Kris ~

“What the hell? Why are you kicking me?”

“It’s 10:30. Did you send Anna your selfie?”

f*ck. How can I take a f*cking picture of myself when the room is spinning? Or bus. We’re on a bus. Is it spinning or are we moving? That light is so f*cking bright…

He’s right, though, and I appreciate him helping me out like that. I f*cking hope Anna isn’t awake yet. She never wakes up before 10, since her rehearsals are always in the afternoon. So maybe? I’m so glad I don’t have to talk to her in the mornings. I really don’t know what I’d do. But a selfie and a “good morning, gorgeous,” that I can manage. Especially when she sends a pic back to me. I live for those pics. And there’s always some cute emoji to go with it, to show me how much she cares and how much she misses me. Today she’s laying in bed and it looks like she slept naked. Who knows if she actually did. She’s clearly not wearing a top. There’s no naughty bits, but this is more than enough for me. I know what she looks like anyway.

“Kris! What the f*ck, man?” HM is always getting on my case about something lately. I don’t know what her f*cking problem is. Maybe she just misses Elsa and she needs someone to take her hits. And I’m apparently the most annoying person she knows.

“What?”

“It’s your turn to f*cking drive and once again, you can’t!”

“Wha- ya mean? I’m fi-.”

“No, you’re not. You’ve been drinking pretty much since you woke up. There’s no way you can drive. You can’t even talk without slurring your words.”

What the f*ck? Where is this even coming from? sh*t. I need to throw up. Maybe I am drunk.

I lay back down on the couch to sleep it off. I just miss Anna. That’s my problem. If Anna were here, I wouldn’t even be on the couch. And I definitely wouldn’t be throwing up like that. I can’t believe it’s gonna be three more months until I see her again. And it’s worse because I know it’s not good enough for her. All this for a few days together. She's going to f*cking give up on this. Eventually, she will. Unless it kills me first.

Even this summer, I know the symphony is on hiatus, I’m only gonna be able to spend a few weeks with her, max. If I'm entirely being honest with myself, I’m not ready for her to meet my family yet, so she can’t come to Living Rock with me. Would she want to come to North Mountain to stay with me while we write and record? Or maybe we’ll go to Arendelle. Maybe she can come to Living Rock but just not meet my family? No, that wouldn't work. She’d definitely be pissed about that.

I really want another whiskey co*ke, but HM is gonna be upset if I can’t take the next shift driving. I have to sober up for that. I’ll just drink the co*ke instead. And pretend it has whiskey. And close my eyes and hug the pillow, pretend I’m holding Anna instead.

~ Elsa ~

I can’t believe it! Anna actually bought me a plane ticket to go see Honeymaren! And we’ll be on the bus with them for a whole week! The only issue is that I have to go on a plane. I haven’t been on a plane since before my parents died. But it’ll be fine. Anna will be with me. And I’ll have my anxiety medicine. And we’ve been working on the roof every day. And I’m the freaking boss of the roof. It’s mine. I own it, and my OCD. Hear that, OCD? We did get you a plane ticket because you’re not invited!

Anyway, I’m really nervous, though. I never had the heights obsession before, so it’s been a new and fun adventure. I just love it when they shift like that. But now we’re gonna be so high up. And it’s so not natural to fly in a metal bird. It doesn't even make sense. What if the propeller just stops working? I don’t even know how it works. But I’m gonna wear my gloves. So we’ll be safe. I know I shouldn’t, exposure therapy and all that. But I also don’t want to freak out on the plane like I did on the roof. It’s not worth the risk. And really, how bad is it to wear gloves all the time anyway? Of course, they used to just be for preventing car crashes. But in the past year, they’ve begun to prevent bad things in general. Ok, so it may have gotten out of hand. Out of hand? Even I can see the humor in that. Just to be safe, though, I won't eat or drink anything on the plane. That way I won't have to take my gloves off so I can go to the bathroom. It's fun when compulsions shift, too.

The truth is that battling OCD is like a whack-a-mole on a huge board that you can't even reach of the holes on. Take that, Compulsion A! Obsession A eliminated! Point, Elsa. See ya later, Compulsion B! Obsession B eliminated! Point, Elsa. Compulsion C? It's exhausting. I feel like my brain never stops spinning. There's always another "what if?" around the corner waiting for me. And I just can't make myself stop asking the question. Because what if that would lead to the bad thing happening?

At least I'll be getting on the freaking plane at all. And that's crushing an avoidance compulsion. So there! I'm going to wear my gloves because then I can stop asking "what if?" That's shifting the compulsion. It is. But it's better than not getting on the plane at all. If I don't wear the gloves, I can't get on the plane at all. Avoidance. If I do wear the gloves, I can go. It's not the time to battle that compulsion. Not so high up in the air. I'll go back to working on that one when we get back.

~ Anna ~

Every day Kris’ selfies are a little later. I’m just waiting for the day he just doesn’t send one. Because then a few days later he’ll miss it again. And then a few days after that. How many mornings has it been since I actually woke up to a text from him? Too many to count. I’m not an early morning riser. But damn. Like he’ll send his selfies when I’m in my afternoon rehearsals. It makes me feel like sh*t that he can’t at least wake up enough to text me a freaking picture of himself with his eyes closed. Is it really a lot to ask? Am I being too demanding? I'll ask him when we talk tonight.

K: Hey, uh, Anna. Hey, how are you?

A: I’ve been better.

He f*cking knows what I'm talking about.

K: Oh, right. I’m so sorry I’ve been sending my selfies so late. You know I have trouble sleeping and then I wake up late. So.

A: Is that really the reason?

K: Yeah. f*ck. Anna, I miss you so much and it’s just so hard to sleep without you. And I know we haven’t even spent that many nights together so it doesn’t even make sense how much I miss it, but I just… ugh… I just miss you.

Damn it. How can I be mad at him after he says something like that. I don’t think the insomnia part is 100% the truth, but I believe the rest of it.

A: So you haven’t lost interest or whatever?

K: Wait, are you serious? That’s what you think? Of course not. I still.. I… I… I care about you so much. I just don’t like being away from you.

A: I don’t like being away from you either. But part of the reason why I even agreed to this relationship was because you promised I wouldn’t wake up alone. And I’ve woken up alone almost every day this week.

K: You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I’m sorry, Anna. I’m gonna do better. Please, just.... 3 ½ months is so long!

A: I’m aware. But if this is gonna work, you need to keep your promise to me. And I don’t mean having Sven text the picture to me either. I can tell the difference. You know what it means to me when you don’t send it.

K: I do know. And I’m sorry. It just got away from me.

Sigh. Clearly it isn’t because he doesn’t miss me. It sounds like he really misses me a lot. I’m a little worried about him, to be honest. Not sleeping could have pretty bad consequences. What if he falls asleep while he’s driving the bus? Something’s going on with him and he’s not telling me the whole truth. Well, I’ll see him next week. Then I’ll spend a whole week with him. And maybe he’ll tell me what’s going on. I hate the idea of him suffering. I've got a sour feeling in my stomach. Something's not right.

~ HM ~

Tonight I'm not listening to Souxie. Tonight I'm listening to the computer generated arrangement of Elsa's ballet. What's she's done so far. Right now I'm listening to the part where the two lovers meet. The Arendellian soldier's melody repeats, crescendoing and each time, and each time I'm hoping the dominant V7 will resolve to the tonic, but each time it leads instead to the vi. After so many repetitions of the vi, it's not uncomfortable. But it's awkward. And each time it doesn't get resolve to tonic the tension builds just slightly. The soldier wants to talk to the Ahtohallan maiden, but he's so afraid to be met with hatred that he doesn't open himself up to love. And then when he does...

"Holy f*cking sh*t, Elsa..."

How f*cking sweet is that tonic? It occurs to me that this is what Elsa goes through all the time. She wants so badly to be free of the V7-vi cycle and get to V7-I instead. But she loops at V7-vi because it's safe. V7-vi is a safe progression. It relieves the tension just enough. But it doesn't get you home to I. It's just enough of a resolution to get by, make you comfortable, but not enough so you'll stop going to vi. The Arendellian soldier starts at V7, a position of tension, and wants to get to I, where he'll find love. He works up the nerve to talk to the maiden but backs off to vi, relieved that he doesn't have to go through the difficult and stressful movement from V7 to I. After all, what if he doesn't do it right? What if it's the wrong tonic chord?

vi is a compulsion. It's Elsa's gloves. It's her checking on Anna every night when she's asleep. It's a stopgap. It's good enough. Only, it's not. And the Arendellian soldier found love, just like Elsa found the f*cking tonic. Just like I knew she would.

Chapter 21: Relief

Chapter Text

~ Kris ~

Forty-f*cking-three. Another f*cking birthday. God damn it. I wish Anna were here. But I also don’t want her here. I get that she has a thing for older men, but another year just feels too old for her somehow. Just another number closer to needing diapers. Maybe it’s for the best that this whole thing probably isn’t going to work. I’d just be a drain on her, just like Jeremy said. And this long distance thing is really wearing on me. I’ve been drinking more and more. It’s not like I have a problem or anything, though. As soon as Anna called me out for not sending those selfies every morning I cut back. Like a lot. As much as this whole thing sucks, it would suck so much more to lose her. I can’t lose her. I just can’t. You know what? It’s my f*cking birthday and everything sucks right now. Older and alone. But it feels more alone now because I know what it’s like not to be alone.

No one’s looking so I grab a co*ke, take a sip, and fill it with whiskey. I’m not really trying to hide it, but someone will probably yell at me about it. It’s so not a big deal. I just don’t feel like dealing with that sh*t. It’s just a f*cking co*ke.

“You’ve gotta be sh*tting me! We have to go on in like 30 minutes and you’re drinking? Christ, Kris. You’ve got a f*cking problem.”

Damn it, HM.

“It’s just a little whiskey. To take the edge off. Not a big deal. I’m still completely sober. It’s fine.”

She f*cking knows it’s my birthday and she knows what that means to me. And how much I miss Anna. I don’t have a f*cking problem. Besides, she got wasted on her birthday. Before the show. And we still f*cking killed it. What a f*cking hypocrite. I’m not even wasted, though. Just a little buzzed. Perfect for punk rock. I don’t even know how many shows I’ve played like this and she never said anything about it before.

*****

~ Elsa ~

Wheels down. Thank goodness. I can’t believe how nervous I was to fly after all that work we did on the roof.

“You ready, Elsa? You did all the hard work and now you get the reward. I’m proud of you for doing this.”

“Thanks, Anna. It was a team effort, really. It’s just nice to have so much support.”

“Speaking of support… You ready to see HM and our guys?”

“So so ready. I can’t wait.”

“It’s too bad we’ll miss the show, though. I wouldn’t have minded if Kris threw another guitar pick at me.”

“Well, we’ll be with them for a whole week. You’ll probably get a few more picks. And pricks.”

“Elsa! Scandalous!"

I'm sure my cheeks are red. But it feels good to joke around like that. To let it go. "Am I wrong, though?"

She's blushing, too, and her smile mirrors mine. It's one of the things we both got from our dad. "I know, but it is his actual birthday today. Well, just for another hour. I still can’t believe we missed our connection.”

“I’m sorry. It's my fault.” It is my fault we missed the connection. I sort of freaked out at the airport, and thankfully they were understanding and booked us on the next flight instead. But damn it if I didn’t have to take five minutes to do my mindfulness meditation. That’s how much we missed the connection by.

“Elsa, don’t f*cking start that sh*t. Our flight was late leaving and arriving. And they moved our connecting flight to the other side of the airport while I was in the restroom so we had to really f*cking hoof it. I had to pee. Remember? My stomach was upset on the plane and I had three ginger ales? And water on top of that. And there was a long line for the bathroom. So it wasn’t your fault. Ok?”

“Are you sure, though? If I hadn’t-”

“Elsa, I’m sorry I said anything. Look, we’re here to see your girlfriend, right? We only have a week. Are you going to waste that time worrying about whether it was your fault for missing the connection? Or are you gonna focus all your attention on HM? I already told you it wasn’t your fault and I have your logical explanations for it. You know I’m not going to tell you again. So there’s no use dwelling on it because I’m not going to give your OCD what it wants.”

So… not my fault. Part of me wants to believe her, and part of me doesn’t. But it doesn’t really matter because my OCD isn’t going to get what it wants. She’s right. I’d rather think about Honeymaren, how much I miss her. How good her sweet honey lips are going to taste. I’ve already forgotten about being late. And my OCD shrinks back into a corner where it belongs.

I lick my lips because I want to know what they taste like so I can know exactly the flavor Honeymaren adds to them.

*****

~ Anna ~

Knock, knock, knock.

Sven opens the door and tells Kris it’s for his guitar.

“Tell her to f*ck off!” Nice to know he’s not going to cheat on me.

Sven winks, and asks “How ya doin’, girlie?” Then he gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. For Elsa he gets off the bus, picks her up, and swings her around a few times. I love to hear her giggle like that.

Kris is lying on the couch with his guitar, not really playing anything, only sort of vaguely pentatonic. He’s got five empty cans of co*ke on the floor next to the couch. Wow, he reeks. I can smell him all the way at the front door. Exactly how much has he had to drink tonight?

“Hey, there, Old Man.”

“Anna? That you? Wha- ya doon heer?”

“Well, I’m on hiatus this week, and I missed you like crazy, so I wanted to spend the week on tour with you. Plus it’s your birthday and I wanted to surprise you. You surprised?”

“You wanna go too -th me?” He hiccups in the middle of that question. How exactly did this happen? How exactly did they let this happen? Sven’s not drunk. Not even a little.

“Yeah, for the week. I want to wake up with you every day. I miss that.”

“Annna, you may- me?”

Did he just ask me to marry him?

“Why don’t we just go to sleep. You should have some water and some Tylenol, and you’ll feel better tomorrow, yeah?”

“What you say, Ann-. Ga may- ya.”

Did he just say he was gonna marry me? That’s twice. Does he actually think about me that way? Or is it just the drink?

“So pitty, Ann- ya sa pitt-”

Great. I only brought one pair of shoes. I want Kris’ DNA like all over my body. Like everywhere. But not like this.

“Oh, f*ck! Sa sorr, Ann! Ann- sa pitt- all liv…ya… soooo…. soooo…. I-”

Great. Now he’s asleep. Did he say I was pretty? Was he going to tell me he loved me? f*cking great. He didn’t even say it and now I have to clean up his f*cking mess. Poor Kris, though. It must have been a really bad day for him to get this f*cked up. He must have even done his show drunk to be this waste so soon after it ended.

I look at the others to see what their reaction is. They were all staring at me, because when I look at them they lower their eyes. What the f*ck. How did they let him get that drunk? None of them are drunk. They f*cking let him drink alone on his birthday? Seriously? What’s wrong with them? They know how much this day f*cking sucks for him. The least they could have done was give him some company. Instead of making him feel even more alone and crappy like that. He probably wouldn’t have drunk so much if he didn’t feel so alone. I’m mad at all three of them now. Even Olaf. He’s probably been asleep for hours. On Kris’ birthday. He couldn’t even stay up a little later for his birthday?

Now I really regret that last ginger ale...

Whatever. There’s no room for me on the couch. I’ll sleep in his bunk and tomorrow he’ll have a wicked hangover. I didn’t even get the chance to give him the Tylenol. But then he’ll be better and we can spend the rest of the week together after that.

*****

~ Elsa ~

I slept with my gloves on. I just wasn’t ready to take them off. I want to touch Honeymaren so badly. My dreams were filled with what her skin feels like, what her soft wetness feels like. The feel of my fingers pruning when I give her exactly what she wants. Her contractions and pillowy constrictions. The fullness of her… oh god, that’s my favorite part. When I hold her breasts and my tongue devours one side while my thumb flicks against one side. She loves my tongue, but it’s my thumb that makes her twitch. I want to give that to her. I want to see her wriggle and squirm until she cries for mercy and my fingers give it to her.

When I woke up this morning, I didn’t think I'd take my gloves off. But now… Seeing her flesh. I want to see it against my flesh... So I touch her cheek with my warm finger and kiss her so she wakes up enough to spread her legs. It doesn’t take long before she’s fully awake, but squeezing her eyes shut for a different reason.

There’s no room for my OCD when honey drips from her mouth as she bites her lip like that.

*****

~ HM ~

Holy f*cking sh*t. Elsa’s fingers… Oh my god… when she takes her gloves off… f*ck.

“Elsa?”

“Morning, Honey. Did you sleep well?”

Her f*cking… pruny finger on my lips. As soon as I catch my breath… Like the second. I know how much she’s throbbing right now… But I have to say something. It might take a few more seconds to catch my breath if I do, but I can rub my hand along her side while I say it.

“Elsa, you have magic fingers. I know you wear your gloves to make sure everyone’s safe. But I’ve never felt so safe as I do when you touch me. It’s like all of my fears and worries disappear. Your gloves don’t make me feel like that. You make me feel like that. Because your fingers are so… f*cking… magical...”

I suck every single precious finger, one at a time, as I say it. Then I touch them to my breasts while my own fingers create some magic of their own. I still haven’t caught my breath and I think it will be a while before I do, if it even happens at all. There’s no room for her OCD in my bed, not when her f*cking finger magic has me under her spell.

*****

~ Anna ~

Another day. I check my phone. No text from Kris. Wait. Where am I? Right. The tour bus. It’s Kris’ bunk. But where is he?

f*ck. He’s on the couch. Whatever. Ok, I’ll just get ready for the day and then I’ll wake him up. Today’s gonna be pretty much wasted because he was so wasted. I can’t be too upset because he didn’t know I was coming and it was his birthday. Everyone gets wasted on their birthday.

“Hey, Anna. Morning. Want some cereal?”

“Morning, Sven. Yeah. That sounds good.” I’m still a little mad at him for letting Kris get to that state. Especially alone. But only sort of. “Yeah, whatcha got?”

Now Olaf hugs me from behind.

“Morning, Bestie! I missed you so much!” He’s so f*cking hard to be mad at!

“Me, too!” Of course I hug him back.

“So, it’s probably going to be a couple hours before His Highness graces us with his presence, and there’s a cool thrift store around the corner I was hoping to check out. Do you wanna come with? They’ll probably have some shoes you’ll like.”

I look over at my shoes that are completely soaked from being washed last night. Because Kris couldn’t hold his f*cking liquor. I’ve had those Cons for like four years or something. The bottoms are almost completely smooth and the toe and heel flap just a little.

“I would, but… My shoes are still soaking wet.”

“Can you borrow Elsa’s?”

I just heard HM moaning about Elsa’s magic fingers. So… that’s a no. I have no interest in hearing a play by play of my sister’s sexy times. But… magic fingers sounds like gloves off. So f*cking proud of her. All it took was HM’s wet puss*. Who knew?

“Hard pass.”

“Oh, right.”

“I have some shower shoes you can wear,” suggests Olaf. He’s a twink. A little chunky, but tiny. And honestly, I kinda like that in a man. Not that I think of Olaf that way at all. Just that it’s not an insult. f*ck, do I miss Kris’ pudge! He’s not fat at all. Not even what might be considered husky. He has lots of… I gulp just thinking about his 43 year old muscles. Another year of natural muscle build up after 40 years of playing guitar. Another gulp. Surrounded a layer of squeezable tissue. I could just eat him up. In fact, I intend to. Later. When he can appreciate it. My hands are f*cking twitching at the thought of exploring another year of muscle build-up…

“Yeah, I’m sure that’ll work. You said it’s just a few blocks? Plus I can wear new shoes on the way back. I needed new sneakers anyway.” So really, he did me a favor.

Look at him. So peaceful. I don’t like that he slept on the f*cking couch, drunk, while I slept just yards away all alone. But I can forgive him under the circ*mstances. This time. Especially when he asked me to marry him and told me he loved me. He was completely wasted and I’m not sure if he meant it, but he thought it. And then he f*cking said it. I’m going to pretend like it didn’t happen, and he definitely won’t even remember saying it. But he did say it. I’m putting that sh*t in my pocket. He gets a f*cking pass for that sh*t. This time.

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

*****

~ Kris ~

Mother f*cker. My head feels like it’s being squished. The room is spinning. What the f*ck. Never mind my head. I don’t even make it to the bathroom. The kitchen sink. It’s small, but not too small for the reminder of what happened last night. And there’s a disposal. Whatever.

Wow, I f*cking stink. Where is everyone? Probably wandering around or something. Laundromat. Whatever. Ok, shower’s free, though. A cold shower’s always good for a hangover. I feel better already. Brush teeth. Mouthwash. Clean clothes on. Well, mostly clean. I need to find a laundromat, too. Three bottles of water. One Tylenol arthritis to go with each of them. More mouthwash. Ok. Good as new. Clean up the sink. throw away the co*ke cans. Right as f*cking rain.

Why is HM giggling? Wait… did she actually cheat on Elsa? What the f*ck?

“Oh, Elsa. Um hey. Didn’t know you were here.” That’s a f*cking relief. It would have really sucked if she cheated on her. “Wait, is it just you, or is…”

“You mean you don’t remember?”

“Is Anna here? Where is she?”

“Not sure. Maybe she saw you and left.”

What? She can’t be serious. She’s just taking a dig at me because I drank a little too much yesterday. But if Anna was here, saw me hungover on the couch, and would she just… f*cking leave?

Holy f*cking sh*t. She actually left me. She was so disgusted by me, so f*cking disappointed, that she actually left? After coming all this way to see me? My stomach hurts again. Not from drink. From the sucker punch that I royally screwed up. Beyond repair. I am seconds away from f*cking losing it…

“Kris! You’re awake!”

Anna? That’s a huge and beautiful smile on her face. It's even better after thinking I'd never see it again. That’s it. Not one drop of alcohol while she’s here. It’s so not worth it. She gets morning sex every morning. And then whenever else she wants it. What's the limits of a 43 year old dick when that f*cking smile shines on me? I suck in my tears and the pang in my stomach eases up. My headache’s even gone.

She jumps on my neck and I grab her legs to wrap around me and breathe onto her neck like she likes, and I say, so softly that only she can hear me, “I love you”.

Just as softly, and followed by the most electric kiss against my jawbone, "I love you, too."

In my whole f*cking life I've never felt so much relief.

Chapter 22: Repeat

Chapter Text

~ Elsa ~

I don’t remember this hurting so much. My fingers have grown so soft from being in my gloves so long. Soft and weak. I hardly have enough strength for one note, let alone three or four. But it’s familiar, it’s a good feeling.

I hope Sven won’t mind that I borrowed his guitar. This is way out of my comfort zone, but playing his guitar makes it a little easier, like he's with me.

My fingers absentmindedly play some chords. I know what this is.

“Love is a burnin’ thing...” I don’t know. I just have to sing.

This feels so good. Why has it been so long since I’ve done this? I hardly notice the voice harmonizing the answer to “I fell in” with “to a burning ring of fire”. And then some much more powerful strumming forcing the tempo to be more upbeat.

“...burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire, the ring of fire.”

We both know that that feels like.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Kris asks.

“I don’t know. I guess I just wanted some air. And then Sven’s guitar was just laying there on the couch. And I can’t remember the last time I played.”

“Well, you sounded good. I couldn’t tell it had been that long.”

I give him a look because I know he’s just being nice. He’s such a sweetheart. Anna found such a nice guy.

“Hey, do you know this one?”

He strums some chords and hovers over the first four bars until I get it.

“I keep a close watch on this heart of mine, I keep my eyes wide open all the time.”

Then he answers, “I keep the ends out for the tie that binds, because your mine.”

And then I harmonize with him on “I walk the line.”

We both know what that feels like, too.

It’s so much fun singing with Kris! We’re trying to stay quiet, but our exuberance makes it hard. He’s just so easy to get along with, and I just feel like out of any of them, he understands what I go through the most. I’m not sure if he has an addiction, but he for sure has his own ring of fire like I do. He knows what it’s like not to be in control. And sometimes that’s how I feel, too. I’m glad he came outside to sing with me instead of reaching for that bottle he thinks we don’t know about. I’ll sing Johnny Cash with him every night if that’s what it takes. I really don’t mind.

That’s a genuine smile. He’s having a genuinely good time. He reminds me…

“You know, Kris, you remind me of my dad a little.”

“Oh?” sh*t. His wheels are spinning.

“It’s your laugh, and your sense of humor. And you know, he’s why I love Johnny Cash so much. He used to sing with me like this. Not just Johnny Cash but he was his favorite. He knew all the songs. And he played guitar. Not like you, of course, but you know, enough. And he taught me to play, too.”

He’s blushing? I think? It’s dark so it’s hard to tell. And he’s silent for a while. I shouldn’t have said that. That was weird.

“I don’t mean that Anna likes you because you remind her of our dad. Because you really don’t look like him at all. If that’s what you’re thinking.”

“That’s not what I was thinking.”

What if it was, though? Of course he wouldn't just tell me that...

“I was thinking what a huge compliment that was. To be compared to your dad.”

A compliment? Oh, god, it’s weird now. I made it weird….

“Elsa? Thank you.” That’s such a sweet smile. He looks like he means it…

“At my door the leaves are falling…” he strums some more and smiles at me. “You know this one?”

I sing along. “...I still miss someone…”

Until we get to, “no, I never got over those blue eyes, I see them everywhere,” then he stops his strings with his right hand. He looks at his pick, turns it over.

“You know that song’s about Anna, right?”

“You really love her, don’t you?”

Instead of answering he just strums out the beginning of “Walk the Line” again and winks at me. It was a silly question.

*****

~ Kris ~

God damn f*cking prostate… That means I have to leave Anna. And I really don’t want to. But I also can’t stay here, cause, my bladder already hurts.

f*ck.

Anna’s not here. It’s my f*cking pillow. God damn it! I can’t help it. I punch the pillow that pretended to be Anna.

She had to go back. I get it. We had a week to be all in love and happy. And it was honestly one of the best weeks of my life. And we didn’t really even do anything. We just hung around the bus, she saw my shows, we played together a little, a lot, actually, we had sex, a lot. We didn’t watch any girlie movies, but we did cuddle on the couch like we did when we watched Titanic. Only this time we just talked to Sven and Olaf. Much more entertaining. Actually, it’s been a while since Sven and I really talked like that. It felt like old times. And I didn’t know how much I missed him.

What time is it anyway? 4:00 am. She won’t be up yet. Maybe if it was 6:00 am I could have at least sent her a selfie, and she would have sent something back that was way too cute or too sexy for its own good. But that’s not gonna happen. And I can’t go back to my bunk to the imposter pillow.

I’m so close to reaching for the Jameson. So close. If I do, I might not be able to send my selfie, though. Just as I take my hand off the bottle, I hear something from outside. Is that music? Holy sh*t, that’s Elsa. I can’t let her play alone.

While Anna had to go back, Elsa didn’t. She came with her laptop and a more portable keyboard so she could work while she stayed with us for the next six weeks. And in six weeks, we’re gonna park the bus at our next show location and the five of us are going to fly back to Arendelle for St. Patrick’s Day. It’s just two nights. But I’ll take it. After that it’s just another month til we’re back in Arendelle. The two more months til we finish in North Mountain. I’ve already decided that I’m going to be wherever Anna is after that. For at least a little while. It that’s where HM is, then fine, we’ll write a really f*cking awesome record. If not, the record’s just gonna have to wait. Because this is just unbearable. Honestly, six weeks sounds impossible. But it’s better than seven, or twelve.

*****

~ Anna ~

“So are you excited to see Kris again?” Kyra asks.

“Mmmmm I can’t wait!” I yawn and stretch as I say it. Kris sent me a present yesterday. It was so sweet and unexpected and… exactly perfect. That man really knows me. And that present, along with a cued list of all the Reindeer Herders songs where Kris is singing. There aren’t many, enough to fill an album, though. Anyway, so last night… I… oh… It wasn’t the same as having Kris there. Definitely not the same. But it was pretty f*cking great. That vibrator is super fancy and it has several different settings. Well. Anyway. I tried them all. So, yeah, I’m pretty tired tonight.

We’re just waiting for Sean to come pick Kyra up. Just some girl talk over tea.

“So, I’m trying to convince my dad to let me go to this Irish culture workshop in Galway this summer.”

“Isn’t that where your mom lives?”

“Yeah. I was actually born there. But my dad and I moved back here when they got divorced. I love my mom and she’s great. But my dad’s not going to let me stay with her. Her husband isn’t exactly the best and my dad doesn’t trust him.”

“That’s sad. What are you gonna do then?”

“Well, you know, I was kind of wondering if you were interested in going. They have classes on Irish music and language. And if you went, my dad would definitely let me go.”

That sounds amazing and I really want to say yes. The symphony is on hiatus for the summer. And it’s before when Elsa’s ballet would premiere. There’s really only one thing holding me back…

They’d be done with their tour by then. Would Kris want to go with me? That’s the only way I could go.

“Kyra, that sounds really cool. I need to check on some things from my end and maybe get some more information from you? If I can work things out, then I’m definitely down.”

“Yay!”

Any time I start to feel even a little jaded about anything, all I need to do is talk to Kyra to restore my youth and enthusiasm. It’s funny because she’s half my age, and you’d think she’d make me feel so much older, but she doesn’t. She makes me feel younger, too. She reminds me of myself a little, I guess. Before I met Hans. If I ever had a daughter, which will never happen, but if it did, I'd want her to be like Kyra.

“Oh, so, um, Anna, um I was wondering…”

f*ck. She’s shy and not making eye contact. I f*cking know where this is going.

“So how’s Dax? You two really seemed to get along at the show. Have you seen each other since then?”

Now she’s really blushing. That is what she was going to talk to me about. Maybe it’s more innocent than I was thinking, though. Cause that’s an awful lot of blush at just the mention of his name.

“He’s… he’s so sweet… he holds my hand at school. And he kisses my cheek when he says goodbye. And he’s always saying such nice things to me. He’s amazing. I’m so happy.”

“Well, good. That’s how it’s supposed to be.” I do not f*cking trust that guy. Not one bit.

“You know that was one of the best nights of my life. Seeing not just the Reindeer Herders, but also People of the Sun! And then Kris gave me his guitar pick. Just gave it to me! Like the one he used for the show! And I can’t believe he actually knows Yelena North. And I don’t know if she’s cooler or HM. Cause HM is soooo cool! I can’t believe she’s your sister’s girlfriend. I can’t believe you’re dating Kristoff Bjorgman! And then there was Dax...”

All I can do is smile.

“You were right, you know. That night wasn’t about Dax at all. But it was better because he was there.”

That’s my girl.

Oh wait. She has more to say.

“Um… I was just wondering… um… not that I’m there or anything yet, but… could you um… I have some… about… sex…?” She buries her head in her hands. Poor kid. She obviously can’t ask her mom.

“You can ask me anything and I’ll try to answer it as well as I can. But, if I could offer some advice?”

“I’m all ears!”

“If you’re too embarrassed to talk about it, you’re probably not ready for it yet.”

She thought about it and I can see it sank in. She’s gonna think about it before she acts. Anyway, it’s not like I can take her for birth control or anything like that. I don’t think I should even give her condoms. But would Dax - what a stupid f*cking name - actually care about things like that? I f*cking hope so anyway.

*****

~ HM ~

I stand up from my seat to see how Elsa’s doing. Even now, with her leggings and hideous sweater… I really don’t know how every sweater she has is more hideous than the next… Sven, Olaf, and I are taking her shopping when we get to Arendelle… Even with that, she’s still so beautiful. Her hair’s tied into a large bun on the very top of her head and she looks like a ballerina with her legs folded cross-legged that way. She’s concentrating so hard. I know she’s battling her demons, doing everything she can not to let them consume her.

Anna’s right. She is the strongest person I know. I don’t know what it was like for her when she went to the hospital, but seeing her on the roof was bad enough. And seeing her come back from that has been so amazing. Because she got back to where she was before, when she went on tour with us before, and then she went further.

She seems to be doing ok, despite that fierce look on her face, no doubt telling her OCD to f*ck off. And she’s got her arm linked through Sven’s, and he’s resting his head on her shoulder, fast asleep, drooling. It’s cute, but it’s gross. On the other side Kris is holding her hand. We all decided it would be best for her to sit between them since they were the ones that worked with her on the roof. I don’t mind because I get a better view from up here.

“Hey, Honey,” she says as she finally notices I’m up here.

"Hey, there, Darling."

Her eyes are so inviting and I have to stop myself from climbing over the seat to get to her.

“I love you,” she mouths so it’s inaudible. I really want to climb over now. But we’ve only got 30 minutes left on the flight, so I’ll just keep it in my pants.

Now Kris looks up at me. “What are you listening to?” I ask. He likes all that cliche stuff a punk guitarist should like, but sometimes he also listens to stuff I’ve never heard of before. It’s a 50/50 shot whether it’s the Ramones or, I don’t know, the Raincoats or so old blues musician nobody knows. Pretty much the only thing he doesn’t listen to is jazz. He hates jazz for some reason.

“The Pogues.”

“The Pogues?” I’ve heard of them. But I don’t know what they sound like or anything.

“Yeah. Celtic punk. Here.” He hands me the earbud to listen. Ok, that’s not bad. I kinda like it. I wonder if that’s the kind of thing Anna’s into.

“So is this Anna’s influence?”

“I don’t know. Sort of? I just really like Irish music. She introduced me to it, but I like it independently. And of course I like punk. So there’s a few other bands I’ve been listening to.”

“Does Anna like that kind of thing? Like the Irish music meets punk or rock or whatever.”

“Yeah. She loves it.”

Kris is going to leave us for Anna. I can just feel it. It’s not a matter of if. It’s a matter of when. For his sake, I hope it’s sooner rather than later. I love him like a brother and he’s a great songwriter and guitarist, and I probably won’t be able to find that in anyone else. At least not anytime soon. Plus, I'll miss him like crazy, annoying as he is. But he’s a f*cking mess without Anna. I mean, being away from Anna isn’t the problem. But it makes it a whole lot f*cking worse.

Chapter 23: I'll Know What to Say and Do

Chapter Text

~ Anna ~

It’s St. Patrick’s Day! It’s only the biggest day of the year for Oaken’s and everyone’s pitching in to help. So yeah, I’m up super early. Cause the party starts at 11am and there’s so much to do! Also cause I’m so excited to see Kris that I couldn’t really sleep anyway.

Ding, ding.

Oh my gosh, look how cute Kris is! I guess they just got on the plane. Oh, he’s sending several pics. Sven and Olaf. HM. HM and Elsa. Sven and Elsa. It’s too much cuteness! f*ck. When did I turn into such a f*cking softy? Loving Kris has made me soft. If he were here, though, he’d say something like “It’s not soft, it’s so hard”. Then he’d move my hand so I could feel for myself, and then… I f*cking miss his dick, even with my fancy new vibrator, which was seriously the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever gotten. But it’s more than just sex, obviously. It’s him. It’s just being near him. I don’t know. I can’t exactly put my finger on it... But he also would have made some joke about a few places where he thought my finger could go. No, it’s just... him.

I can’t wait to see everyone else, too. Especially Elsa. I’ve missed her so much, even though I’ve actually enjoyed a lot of my time alone. I’ve done more playing and experimenting with non-classical music, I’ve done a lot more listening, and I’ve been learning Irish and sean-nos dancing with all my free time. Even with all that, I’m so glad that Elsa’s going to be staying in Arendelle for the rest of the tour. I won’t have as much time for all that stuff anymore, because we are going to do some major sisterly bonding. Helping Elsa stay on track took up a lot of my time before she went on tour with HM, and I’m no less dedicated to it now, even if I have to sacrifice some of the things I worked on while she was gone. Making sure she’s ok is one of the most important parts of my life when she’s here. Everything else is so unimportant compared to her well-being. Kris said she’s doing really well, and I hope she can keep it up. It seems that being with the Reindeer Herders, especially HM, of course, really helps. It's only two more months til North Mountain. Elsa and I can hold out two more months.

“Kyra! Come here! Come here! Declan, come on guys! Oaken!” I snap a photo of all of us. And then another one of just me and Kyra, and finally just me.

A: Have a good flight!

A: Can’t wait to see you! :-*

K: Me, too =)

K: I love you!

A: <3 Love you, too <3

I do love him. I love him so much. It’s so hard being away from him. That’s right, Kris! I said it’s hard! They’re not going to make it until after the first session. But I can’t stop thinking about him! I’m missing key changes left and right and I repeat a section twice and I only play another section once. Declan and Matt are laughing at me because they know why. I just find it hard to concentrate right now. Yes, Kris. You're making it hard!

I need a drink, something to calm my nerves because I'm barely holding it together right now. "Double Redbreast?" I ask Oaken. Oaken’s is the only bar in Arendelle that serves it, and it just happens to be the pub I frequent. For the music, of course, but the booze is a definite bonus.

"Good choice," says the man next to me. "Make that two.”

The man that was just playing the hell out of the bodhran is actually from Ireland!

“Hey, I’m Anna. Thanks for playing with us. It was a lot of fun.”

“Finn. Nice to meet you, Anna.”

“So you live around here?”

“Yeah, I’ve just been here for a few weeks, actually. I came into the pub last week, and Oaken told me about today. I’m glad I checked it out. Pretty solid.”

“You should check out our session on Wednesdays. And I host a session at my apartment on Sunday evenings.”

“Oh, that’s grand. I thought I’d be playing the bodhran all by myself. I honestly had no idea there’d be anyone playing Irish music here in Arendelle. I can't tell you what a relief this is.”

It’s all settled. Finn is coming over to jam with me and the guys on Sunday. It turns out that he's the new sound engineer at the studio that occasionally hires me for recording work. I need to introduce him to Matt, too, since they will definitely be spending a lot of time together. Matt’s there almost every day.

“Hey, Declan. How ya doin, buddy?” I ask.

He asks for another two shots and slides one to Finn and one to me. “Slainte!”

To look at him he’s been going at it pretty hard.

“My wife just left me," he explains to Finn. I wasn’t surprised she left, to be honest. I don’t know what was going on with them, but I know that they’ve been unhappy the entire time I’ve known them. He's retired and their kids and grandkids live far away. So it was just the two of them he spent a lot of time in the pub, and as little time at home as possible. That didn’t mean he didn’t love her, though. Even though it happened a couple of months ago, he’s still completely heartbroken. I think our extra sessions at my apartment have really made a big difference to him, though, but they were married for 40 something years, so it's a huge adjustment.

I give Declan a hug. Finn offers his condolences and another shot. Then Finn tells Declan all about the woman that broke his heart before he left for Arendelle.

I try to pay attention to what they’re saying but I also keep looking at my phone to check the time and for messages, and craning my neck to the front door. Kris will be here any second now…

“Checking won’t make him get here faster, you know, love.”

I offer Declan a small smile and look at my phone again, while he explains the situation to Finn. It’ll be any second and I’m already not the most patient person. I can hardly stand it, in fact. Declan practically forces another shot on me, though, mostly to calm my nerves. It’s only my third (fourth, if you count the first one that was a double), so I’m starting to feel it. The only thing that could make me feel better right now is...

Kris’ smile. I’ll never get sick of his smile the first time he sees me after being away for a while. It reminds me that he misses me as much as I miss him. I almost knock him over as I squeeze him between my legs and arms like pincers. There’s no such thing as being close enough to Kris.

“I missed you,” he says.

I kiss his cheek over and over as he says it. “I missed you, too.”

“So did his guitar!” adds Sven. I jump down and hug him and Olaf, and HM and Elsa. Olaf holds my hands and we dance in a circle. I’m happy to see them all.

*****

~ Elsa ~

HM, Sven, and Olaf sit at the table next to me for the whole session, until Declan announces that they have some special guests. Matt gives up his bass to Sven and picks up a bodhran instead. Declan gives the mic to Honeymaren, and Olaf finds a nearby bar table to bang his sticks against. Kris, of course, has been playing with the session musicians this whole time. I can tell by watching his face that he loves this music. He doesn’t ever look quite that happy playing punk. I think a large part of it is Anna, because you’d have to be blind to miss how they look at each other. But most of it is the music, I think. Sometimes he wakes up early, when he can’t sleep, and he goes outside to practice. He goes for his guitar instead of the whiskey. Every once in a while I go out there with him and we play together. I’m so proud he’s doing so well. He is pretty obviously a little tipsy right now, though. I’m hoping that it is just a slight setback and that it’s only because Anna was pretty drunk by the time we already got here. The real test will be whether he drinks anything tomorrow, or the day after that… If he does, I’m gonna have to go back on tour with them. I’ll be too worried about him otherwise. Or I’m gonna have to say something to Anna. I know we agreed not to, but there’s going to come a point where Anna knowing is going to do more good than harm.

Then Kris, Olaf, and Sven play the opening to “I’ll Know What to Say and Do”. The bodhran players all play along and Kyra dances. Even the guitarists and mandolin player strum the chords. Between verses they do a few rounds of “Whiskey in he Jar”. And Anna plays violin over one verse with Kyra sean-nos dancing, while HM rounds out the others. It’s the first time I’ve really been able to hear the words to the song, and it’s obviously about Anna and Kris. She’s even wearing that dress he got her and all I can think about is the time when she tried it on and she fell because his foot was on the train, and then she tugged at it and he fell. Yeah, this song is definitely about them.

They sound amazing. Especially on Anna’s verse. She’s such a magnetic performer. But when she plays with Kris, it’s almost like there’s no one else on the stage. It’s so romantic. It’s kind of a shame that they can’t play together more. It almost feels like the universe has cheated all of us by keeping them apart.

*****

~ Kris ~

Anna comes over to wrap her arms around my waist and rest her head on my chest. For a second everything else fades away, including my conversation with Finn, who’se standing right next to me. My first instinct was to turn down the drink he bought me, but then Anna waved at me, and she’s definitely drunk. If it’s ok for her, it’s ok for me, because I won’t be drinking alone. I won’t end up on the couch alone because Anna’ll be there with me.

“Whatcha drinking?” she asks.

“Redbreast. You want one?”

Anna nods so I order one for her, neat. Cause she’s a badass.

“So, Anna, Finn was in a punk band back in Ireland. He plays drums.”

“Of course. That’s why you’re so good with a bodhran!”

“Actually, I learned the bodhran first. Then drums.”

“That makes even more sense. Do you have your set here?”

“Yeah, course I do.”

“We should totally jam later!”

Finn smiles. He doesn’t have any friends here yet. Correction. Didn’t. But now he has Anna. And Declan and Matt, and Sean. And Marky and Conor, and all those guys. He’d have me, too, if I lived here.

“Hey, Finn, can I borrow Kris for a minute?”

What does she need to say to me in private that can’t wait until later? Ok, it’s an empty corner and she wants to make out. I’m good with it.

“Wait, wait. I didn’t bring you over here to make out.”

“No? But that doesn’t mean we need to stop…” I breathe onto her neck.

“Oh, Kris, you’re making this hard.”

“You’re the one making it hard.” I'm this close to asking if I can f*ck her in the bathroom. I know she'd be into it if this weren't such an important day to her and her friends weren't all here. This pub means a lot to her so and everyone that matters to her is here so it's just not the time.

“Later,” she says onto my neck. I know she means it because I can feel her heat radiating against me.

I back off and she smiles.

“What do you want to talk about?” I ask as I take a deep breath and brush the stray pieces of her hair back. She's right. It is hard to hold back.

“Do you know what you’re gonna do after the tour is over?”

f*ck. I figured this talk was going to be in bed, tomorrow morning or something. Doesn’t matter though because I finally have an answer for her.

“Whatever you’re doing.”

“What?” The corner’s not so dark when she smiles like that.

“You mean you don’t have to do whatever with HM wherever? Or go home?”

“Nope. I’d rather be with you.”

“You have no idea how f*cking happy that makes me.” I love it when she smiles, especially when I’m the reason.

“Look, I haven’t talked to HM about it yet, so don't say anything. But can I stay with you for at least a few months? And then we can talk about band stuff after that?”

Her response is a deep kiss that definitely should have been saved for after we got back to her place, but I guess she can’t wait. Oh, I definitely need a minute to recover from that.

“So… I was actually thinking of going to Ireland for six weeks for an Irish culture workshop. But I don’t want to go unless-”

“So I guess we’re going to Ireland!”

“Really?”

“I just want to be wherever you are. Doesn’t matter where. But also, Ireland. That’s a no-brainer.” Her smile slays… “Yes, I’m so in, that sounds amazing.”

I promise to join her at the bar after I pop my head outside for a moment to get away from all the noise and people.

“Oh, Sven. Hey, man. How’s it going?”

“Just getting some air. It’s packed in there.”

“Yeah, me, too.” Sven looks like he’s mad, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t do anything. “What?”

“Are you drunk? It’s not even dark yet.”

“So? It’s St. Patty’s Day. Besides, I’m not even drunk.” I’m not. I’ve only had two drinks. It takes a little more than that. f*ck, that hiccup can’t have helped my case, though.

“Kris…”

“What, Svenny?” When did he become such a killjoy? Was it when he started dating Olaf? Olaf has made him a lot less fun.

“It’s just. Don’t take this the wrong way. But Anna’s here.”

“Yeah. That’s the whole point. That’s why we’re here.” Exactly how much acid did he drop?

“Well, remember your birthday?” Ok, so maybe I don’t actually remember my birthday. “It was pretty hard to watch you be that drunk. And you didn’t even remember Anna being there. You threw up on her shoes, man.”

“I did?” f*ck. I don’t even remember that. Is that why she bought new shoes? Holy sh*t. She didn’t even say anything about it.

“Yeah, man. She was so worried about you.” She was? I’m such a sh*tty boyfriend. She showed up to surprise me on my birthday and I threw up on her shoes. And I don’t even remember any of it!

“Well, that was a pretty horrible day for me. I felt sh*tty because it was my birthday and I was older, and I missed her.” f*ck. How much time did I miss with her because I was wasted?

“Just… maybe, Kris. You know, try not to drink that much today. That’s all. Just… don’t puke on her shoes again.”

“Oh, no, I’m nowhere near that level. I’ve got it under control.” I really don’t know why he’s being like this. How many times have we gotten wasted together? And why does he always act like I have some kind of problem? I don’t. Maybe I do drink a little too much. But I don’t have to. I know he’s just looking out for me, but I wish Sven would just get off my f*cking back.

“Ok, man. Sorry. I know you do.”

I’m definitely ok to be around other people now. Nowhere near throwing up on Anna’s shoes. Just to be safe, though, I probably won’t drink for the rest of the day.

“Oh, Kris! You wanna do Irish car bombs with us?” Anna asks. She, Declan, Finn, and Matt have their beers and shots in front of them, ready to go. She’s having such a good time. I definitely don’t want to harsh her mood by saying ‘no’... Another drink won’t hurt. Then I’ll stop after that. Only since Anna’s drinking, though. If she weren’t, then I wouldn’t. I can feel Sven’s eyes judging me. He’s definitely judging. But Anna obviously doesn’t think I have a problem, and her opinion means just a little more than Sven’s.

Anna and I are having a great time, and we sound great together. It’s so great to hear Anna playing “Whiskey in the Jar” over the song I wrote about her. It’s an overwhelming feeling, and I just need to kiss her. If I don’t, my heart is going to melt into a puddle on the floor. So I stand with my guitar, still playing, and I walk over to her. I wait until she finishes the verse and I lean over to her, still strumming, and her violin’s still tucked under her chin until she moves it to get closer to me. It doesn’t last long, but holy sh*t was it powerful. The people in the pub clap for us and she pulls away, just enough for me to whisper an apology with an explanation that I just couldn’t wait.

“I couldn’t wait either, Kris. I missed you like crazy.” She meant she missed me since the dark corner.

I’m definitely not going to drink anymore while we’re here in Arendelle. It’s not f*cking worth it. I can’t mess this up by throwing up on Anna’s shoes again.

*****

~ HM ~

Great. Now we have to deal with Kris and Anna being drunk. And Anna’s friends Declan and Finn. At least Declan has a good excuse. Apparently his wife just left him. Anna didn’t want him to drink alone. And that guy Finn is new in town and he and Kris just hit it off. And since Anna was drinking, Kris decided he could drink, and then Finn kept buying him drinks…

Ugh.

That man is so frustrating. I know he’s gonna want to stay with Anna when the tour’s over. But she’s not gonna do a goddamn thing to make sure he stays sober. Maybe she just doesn’t realize he has a problem because he doesn’t really drink around her. And the times he does she's either drunk herself or she makes up some excuse for him. Not that I want her to know he has a problem…

We all that we want to help, but none of us know how. So far, Elsa’s had the most influence on him because she's so sensitive and I think he feels like she really understands him. Sven keeps giving him sanctimonious speeches, which don’t seem to work. And Olaf avoids him because he doesn’t know what to say. It’s pretty f*cking weird because he never doesn’t know what to say. He talks way too damn much all the goddamn time but he doesn’t have anything to say to Kris these days. But maybe he can spout off some trivia about alcoholism or something. But maybe he just doesn't want to keep anything from Anna, and if he was more involved, he'd feel worse not telling her.

I know exactly how to help him, though. Kris needs to go home when we’re done. Not to Anna’s where she’ll just keep getting him drunk. How does she not even know there’s a problem, though? Maybe it's not her fault, though. He does a pretty good job of hiding it from her. Deep down he knows he has a f*cking problem. If he didn’t he wouldn’t try to hide it from Anna. Of all people, he doesn’t want her to know because he’s afraid she’ll leave him. But I don’t think she would. From everything Elsa’s told me about Anna and what I’ve observed of her, Kris would have to screw up so monumentally big for her to leave him. Like he’d have to bomb a building or have sex with a panda or something crazy. She wouldn’t even break up with him if he cheated on her or murdered someone in cold blood, although Kris is pretty close to the bottom of the list of people that would ever do those things. The point is that she sure as hell wouldn’t break up with him while he was in rehab. No f*cking way. I’d bet good money on that.

Maybe we just have to tell Anna he has a problem. I know we all agreed we wouldn't, but maybe that’s the solution. I’m not sure what his mom does or says to fix him up, but maybe Anna could do that, too. I really don’t want to be the one to f*cking tell her, though. Kris would f*cking hate me for it.

That kiss was pretty cute, though, and he doesn’t seem to be all that drunk right now. Maybe he’s just handling it. Like, he’s drinking a “normal” amount. He’s not falling over or throwing up or blacking out. Then again, maybe he's drinking just enough so Anna doesn’t know. Maybe he’s fine, though. Maybe we’re all overreacting. He’s been doing so well, and this is St. Patrick’s Day, and Anna was already drunk when we got here… He’ll probably go back to being sober again tomorrow. I f*cking hope so. Because otherwise I’m going to have to ruin our friendship. It would break my f*cking heart, but I know exactly what I'll say and do.

Chapter 24: Never Let Go

Chapter Text

~ HM ~

“Guys, I think I’m gonna tell Anna. She obviously doesn’t know because unfortunately she doesn’t spend a lot of time with Kris…” I say. We’re all at that diner Elsa and I went to that day, chowing down on pancakes after such an exhausting day.

“And when she does he’s either on his best behavior…” says Sven.

“Or she’s drinking with him,” says Olaf.

“If she knew,” Elsa notes, “she definitely wouldn’t be asking him to do Irish car bombs with her. She loves him so much. She’d never do anything to hurt him.”

“Well, that’s the point, isn’t it? She doesn’t know,” says Sven.

“So we have to tell her,” I say. “I’m gonna tell her.”

“No, I should tell her. She’s my sister.”

“No, it has to be me. She’s gonna hate whoever tells her.”

“What if we all tell her?” suggests Sven. “She can’t hate all of us, can she?”

Silence. Yes, she f*cking can, and we all f*cking know it. We all saw her lay into that guy on the roof. Well, Elsa and I heard about it.

Olaf starts to say something, and then Sven. Then more silence.

“That’s settled. I’m gonna tell her.”

“Well, maybe we can just see how he is after today. Maybe he’ll stay sober. She’ll yell at him for getting so drunk, and he’ll clean up.” Elsa always thinks the best of everyone.

“How many times has he gotten sober because of her? It works for a while, until it doesn’t,” Sven says. He’s probably even more upset about this than I am.

“Look, we just have to get through the next couple of months. He knows he’s going right back to Anna after that, so he’s going to slay clean.”

“Wait, what? Did he say that?” asks Olaf.

“Well… no, but I mean, come on. He’s miserable without her.”

“She’s miserable without him,” Elsa adds.

“I’m sure he’ll come back to us after a few months,” Olaf suggests. “Maybe she’ll come on tour with us next time!” He’s so excited by that idea, but the rest of us know it’s not happening. Sven and Olaf might not know it, but these are the last two months we have with him. He’s going to quit the band after that. Once he’s with her, he’s not going to want to leave her again. That’s just how this is going to go. In a way, good for him. Maybe he's finally grown up. But I’m really going to f*cking miss him.

“Yeah, probably,” says Sven. I can tell he doesn’t really believe that, though.

“So, we’re not saying anything then?” I ask. They all agree. I’m not sure if this is the right thing to do, but none of us want to risk messing up these last two months with Kris.

“Elsa, you should at least come with us again. Having you there seems to help,” says Olaf.

No he f*cking didn’t! He just put Kris’ well-being on Elsa’s shoulders. What a f*cking moron. He has no idea what he did. He just potentially set her back by months. And months.

“What the f*ck is your problem, Olaf?” asks Sven.

“What? She does help Kris more than anyone else,” Sven’s never spoken to him like that before. Ever.

“She has harm OCD. She doesn’t need you adding Kris’ sobriety to her burden.”

Sven really gets it. Sometimes he’s just such a f*cking idiot, but then he picks up on that kind of stuff. Maybe he just pretends to be stupid. He’s right, though, now she’s gonna feel like she has to come with us because if she doesn’t and he goes back to drinking all the time she’s gonna feel responsible. Even if she does come with us and he starts up again, she’s gonna feel responsible.

“It’s ok,” she says. “It’s fine. I know it’s not on me to make sure he’s sober. I can handle it. Just, worry about him, not about me. Ok? I know he can do it, and it’s not gonna come from anything I do or don’t do. Or anyone else. It’s not gonna come from Anna either. It’s something he needs to do for himself. He’s the only one that can save himself. It'll be so much easier with all of our support, but ultimately, it's on him.”

“So you definitely don’t think we should tell Anna?” I ask. She knows Anna better than anyone.

“I don’t think Anna would even believe you if you told her,” says Olaf. “As far as she’s concerned he’s responsible for bringing back summer every year and preventing an eternal winter.”

He’s almost in tears from how harshly Sven spoke to him before. But he cares about Kris and Anna so he’s sticking around anyway.

“He’s right,” says Sven. He didn’t mean to make Olaf feel better. I mean, he didn’t say that so Olaf would feel better. But Olaf perks up at his praise.

We all laugh about that. He’s exaggerating a little, but we all know it’s basically true. I hadn’t even considered that.

“Ok, so let’s take a vote. Who says we shouldn’t say anything right now? We watch and wait.”

Olaf shoots his hand up, while Sven and Elsa look at each other trying to figure out what to do or not do. Finally, they reluctantly hold their hands up.

“Ok, that settles it. We do nothing until after the tour’s over. Unless there’s a reason to say something.” None of us feels good about it. But then again, we wouldn’t have felt good about telling Anna either. Elsa’s right, though. Kris needs to figure this sh*t out on his own. We just need to be there to support him.

*****

~ Kris ~

f*cking prostate… Ugh… It’s early enough for just the first bit of dawn to seep through the window. I really don’t want to leave Anna when she’s so f*cking peaceful like that. Her face is shiny and scrunched up and her eye makeup is smudged. How great would it be to wake up to this cute little raccoon face everyday?

I just have to wait a couple more months and then I will. I kinda wish we could just cancel the rest of the tour so I could just start now. I guess two more mornings like this are better than none, though.

sh*t. That’s not right. All I did was turn onto my back. f*ck. I f*cking hope I make it to the toilet… It's so not fair that my stomach, bladder, and lower back hurt all at once. Forty-f*cking-three.

You’ve gotta be f*cking kidding me. I have two very different and equally pressing bodily needs right now, both of which require the toilet, which is currently being occupied by Declan’s head and one of his arms. f*ck!

He’s groaning, cause yeah, that f*cking sucks. I’ve seen the guy down twice as many beers as me and be fine, but he was drinking with Anna last night, and she f*cking drank us both under the t-

Well… that takes care of one need. Thank goodness Anna has a bag in the trash can.

“Ok, man. Declan, how do you feel?” His glasses are about to fall off his face.

“Kris? Oh, sh*t, brother. My head’s about to explode.” I move him out of the way as quickly as I can.

“I’m sorry for this, but you know what a 43 year old prostate is like. I can’t do anything to help until I take care of it.” This is only a little embarrassing.

First I clean him up a bit, wash off his face, take his shirt off. Then I move him to the couch and get a big glass of water for both of us. It’s still pretty f*cking early and Anna’s a deep sleeper. I try to be as quiet as I can while I find a t-shirt for Declan to wear and my bottle of Tylenol Arthritis.

“You’ve got arthritis?” he asks.

“No, it’s just preventative.”

“Oh, really? Hmmm. Maybe I should have started taking it before my arthritis set in.”

I get him one more glass of water and another Tylenol, just in case, and put another trash can in front of him. “You gonna be ok?”

“Yeah, I just need to sleep it off, I think. Thanks, Kris.”

“You got it, man.”

“Hey, Kris, wait.”

“Yeah, man?”

“Just don’t… break Anna’s heart. She really loves you and I know it probably doesn’t show, but it kills her when you’re not around.”

“How do you know?” My palms are sweating and my heart is racing.

“I can hear it. She never sounds as good as she does when you’re around.”

Knives to my heart, Declan. sh*t. I definitely made the right call coming straight to Anna after the tour's over.

*****

~ Anna ~

Man, my mouth is dry! I f*cking drank way too damn much yesterday. I need some water. Kris groans just a little when I move, but he doesn’t wake. I’m gonna make this a quick trip because I want to spend every second I can in his arms. I only have to wait another two months until he’s all mine for real. I’ve only been up for about two minutes and I already can’t stop smiling. I have to stop myself from kissing his cheek before I leave the room. I don’t want to risk waking him up.

Before water, I need to pee. Why does it smell so bad in here? It’s sour and sickly sweet, ugh. Gross… That’s vomit. What happened here? Did Kris get sick? Did he drink too much? Whatever. I’ll deal with it later.

I catch a quick glimpse of myself in the mirror, and… gah! I quickly rinse off my face and scrub at the mascara smudged around my eyes. This is part of the reason I don’t wear makeup very often. It’s too much work to remove it. Well, I can’t get it all. Kris probably won’t even care anyway and I just want to get back to him faster. Plus I might throw up myself if I stay here any longer.

Holy sh*t, is that…

“Declan?”

He’s fast asleep with a trash can in front of the couch. There’s half a glass of water and Kris’ Tylenol Arthritis on the coffee table. That’s right. He was wasted and he came home with us last night. That explains the bathroom. It was Declan, not Kris. And he’s wearing one of Kris’ shirts, which is comically big on him. Kris must have taken care of him. Of course he’d do something like that. He’s so sweet.

I fill up Declan’s glass of water and quickly down my own. I take one of the Tylenol Arthritis, too, just in case. Ok, back to Kris…

At first I just watch his face brighten as the sun rises. It’s very difficult to keep my hands to myself. Cause he also doesn’t have a shirt on. Or pants. And… I can’t touch him so I’m gonna touch myself instead. I try my best not to make any noise. I know he’s tired and he’s probably got a hangover and it’s not fair for me to wake him up early… I can’t really help it, though, can I? I love everything about his body and it’s very naked and it’s very much touching most of my very naked body, which is exciting in a different kind of way.

I wasn’t anywhere close to coming, but it was feeling pretty f*cking great when his fingers took over. I wouldn’t have even known he was awake except for how alive he made me feel. He never opened his eyes, though, and he only used two fingers and a thumb from one hand. He curled his fingers the way I like and he teased me. He knew what would make me scream and just as I was about to, he’d move his finger a centimeter away so I wouldn’t. He did that several times until I begged him to stay where I needed him.

It wasn’t until after I came that he opened his eyes and grew a smile on his face. It’s such a sexy smile. I still want more,and it’ll probably be hours before Declan’s awake and Elsa’s staying on HM’s tour bus with Sven and Olaf... f*ck, I’m still throbbing. How does he f*cking do that?

“Good morning,” he says as he kisses my cheek.

“Yes, it is. It is such a good morning!”

He chuckles and goes after my nipples now. I’m still pulsing from before and now he’s gonna make me come again without even touching me… I’m ok with it, but I sure as hell am not coming alone this time. But then his mouth takes over. His saliva leaves me cold and tingly every time he takes it off to breathe. And every time he breathes on me gets me so close.

“The tip, Anna…” he says as he forces my legs open. I can barely follow his instruction from almost losing consciousness as he glides across me. I can’t… I just can’t f*cking… f*ck… f*ck…

“Annnnaaa!!!” he grunts and captures my mouth before he even catches his breath. I breathe his name into his mouth. Oh my f*cking god.

From that first time I sat on his lap and he moved my hips against him I knew he’d be good at sex. How could I have known his mouth and fingers would nearly put me in a coma. He really is perfect. I mean, he’s not, obviously, but he’s about as f*cking close as any man could possibly be.

After several minutes of blissful silence, I say, “Thank you for taking care of Declan.”

“Oh, um, no problem. Dude’s gonna have a rough day, but he’ll be ok.”

“I know, but he really means a lot to me, and I really appreciate it.”

“Um, you’re welcome. I love you,” he kisses my temple and draws circles on my cheek with his thumb. I love it when his hands smell like me.

“I love you, too,” I say into his chest and rest my head there.

Now he’s holding me close and his chest smells like next day whiskey and BO. Sweet and salty. I can’t get enough of him, and I can’t get close enough. God, I’m never letting go. f*ck Rose. I’ll give him a couple extra inches on the headboard. And if that doesn’t work, it doesn’t matter how f*cking cold and dead his body is. Even if I am alive, I’m sinking to the bottom of the f*cking Atlantic with him.

Chapter 25: Walk the Line

Chapter Text

~ Kris ~

No more drinking. That’s it. I am so incredibly grateful that Anna didn’t realize I got sick after St. Patrick’s Day because she thought it was just Declan. After throwing up on her shoes... I can’t believe no one even told me about that. I can’t believe Sven didn’t tell me about that. I can’t believe HM didn’t. And Olaf won’t even talk to me, probably because I threw up on his best friend’s shoes. I can’t believe Anna didn’t get upset about it. I mean, I can. She always makes me feel so good about myself. And she must have cut me some slack because it was my birthday. Plus she surprised me. I’m sure she took into account that I definitely would not have been so drunk that I puked on her shoes if I had known she was coming.

I just don't want her to think it's some kind of pattern, though. She probably would have understood that it was St. Patrick's Day, and you're pretty much supposed to be throwing up the next day. Even so, I'm really f*cking lucky she didn't notice. But if I miss any morning selfies because I'm hungover, she might get upset and be a lot less understanding.I really don’t like it when she’s upset with me. It’s like a solar eclipse, when the sun’s all of a sudden gone and you don’t know if it’s ever coming back. I don’t like the way that feels. And I'm pretty sure Sven's not going to help me out with that anymore. How many times did I narrowly miss Anna dumping me because Sven saved my ass. That's why I’m going to walk the line. Starting now.

There are two bottles of Tullamore Dew and a 12-pack of co*ke cans in my bunk, and three bottles of Jameson in the cupboard. I don’t think anyone knows about the stash in my bunk, but everyone knows about the cupboard. They all drink from it. I’ve seen them. Too bad.

I take the three bottles from the cupboard and dump them into the street. It seems a shame to waste good alcohol, but I’m walking the line so I don’t even need it. And I haven’t seen anyone else drink in a while, so I’m pretty sure they won’t miss it. Plus there’s plenty of rum and tequila, and I just can’t drink that sh*t. My stomach gets upset after just one shot. Ok, there’s a dumpster for these bottles. Don't need 'em!

Next, the stuff that’s in my bunk. Two bottles. One is just barely open. I may have had two shots from it. I open it to smell. God, that’s a good smell. Ok, but this bottle has to go. I hesitate for the second bottle. I’ll just go take care of this one and I’ll come back for that one later.

I get back into my bunk and stare at the bottle for a while. It's still sealed. My alarm goes off. Oh! Time for my morning selfie. f*ck, Anna is so hot. Naked selfies are my favorite kind… It's only been a day, but I really f*cking miss her. I look at that last bottle again. Nope.

Instead I lay on the couch with my guitar, just noodling. I can just feel her near me when I hold her pick. I wonder if that’s how she feels when she holds mine. Sven sits on the other couch and lays down a bass line for me. It’s like old times and it feels pretty f*cking great to be jamming with Sven like this.

“So, you and HM have some cool tunes lined up for us, for the next album?”

“Yeah, we’re working on some stuff. I think you’ll like it.”

Sven grins. I’m really not looking forward to breaking the news that we’re gonna have to take a hiatus. Like a longer one than we’re used to. It’s so weird because I used to want to do everything just to get back on this bus, and now I can’t wait to get off. Even when Anna and I started this whole thing, I didn’t want to leave the bus. I really just wanted her to come with me. But now it doesn’t matter if we’re on the bus or in her apartment. All I want is for her to be there. I’ll go wherever she wants me to go. But I’m gonna walk the line to get there.

“Oh, cool. JC. I can get down with that.”

I really can’t get that song out of my head, and it feels so f*cking great to have Sven’s bass line supporting it. And now Olaf’s poked his head out from the bathroom and gets in on the beat. I wish Elsa were here to sing with us, though. Instead, the next best thing. HM emerges from her room and gets into it. I sit up and join her for the duet. It feels like we’re a f*cking family again.

*****

~ HM ~

“Ok, let’s do this at our next show. Punk rock Johnny Cash. How about it?”

Everyone agrees. Yes! This is going to rock so f*cking hard.

It feels good to get so excited about something as a band, though. After the whole thing with Kris and our failed intervention. Well, nipped in the bud. I still kinda feel like we should say something to him, and I will not hesitate to kick his butt if he screws up one more time. I don’t care what the others say, if he does, I’m f*cking kicking his ass and shipping him back to his Ma’s. I don’t care what Anna thinks. I don’t care how many shows we have left. We can play without a guitarist. Or I’m sure I can find one to fill in at the last minute. His mom knows how to handle him much better than we can. He’ll listen to Anna, but his mom has a proven track record of setting him straight. Anna has a proven track record of getting him wasted and shoving it under the rug. Ok, that's not really fair. But, come on! He puked on her shoes and she was like, "Oh, that's so cute! You're so perfect! I love you!"

I feel sort of guilty for not doing anything about it. But then again, he’s fine now. He’s having some good old-fashioned fun with his friends. Maybe it’ll stay this way and we won’t have to worry about it again. Maybe the thought of seeing Anna at the end of the rainbow will set him on the straight and narrow.

"So, it looks like we need to pass through Arendelle before we get to North Mountain. Do you guys feel like surprising our Darlings?"

They're all excited about that, Kris especially. Those sisters don't actually play in the band, but sure are part of the ohana.

"So, no shows? Just staying the night?"

"Yeah, but then we have three shows in North Mountain and then we're done for this tour." Kris is trying to decide when to drop the bombshell on us. He's gonna put it off to the last minute. Like he's probably going to be heading out to the bus station when he tells us.

Damn it! We're gonna have to tell Anna anyway, because if we don't he's just gonna fall into the same patterns again.

*****

~ Anna ~

Everything’s all set. We have our tickets for Ireland, Kris and I are both enrolled in the culture workshop, Kyra found us a two bedroom apartment to rent for 6 weeks. She’ll go home after 6 weeks, and Kris and I are going to travel around the country for another three weeks, back in time for Elsa's premiere. That was actually Kris’ idea. We’ll take our time and play in whatever pubs will have us in their sessions, and listen in the ones that won’t. For a while, I actually thought Kris was just into the Irish music thing because it’s what I was into. He’s really f*cking into it. He’s always sending me YouTube links to sh*t I’ve never heard before. He's also mentioned that if he can find a session in whatever town he’s in that he joins up. I love that he’s as into it as much as I am.

Everything’s also set up for Kyra’s birthday. She turned 16 a few days ago, but we’re celebrating in the pub tonight. Now that she’s 16, she can be there as long as she’s with an adult. Oaken said I can count as her adult if her dad isn't there. She and her friends from school and the Irish dance academy celebrated at a roller skating rink or something on Sunday. How cute is that? I just adore that kid.

Everyone’s coming to the session tonight, though. Even the guys that don’t come all the time. Kyra hasn’t been dancing with us that long, but everyone’s grown to love her. She brings youth and enthusiasm to a much older crowd. And she’s a big part of why the Sunday sessions are so much more fun. But now she can come to the Wednesday sessions, too, and I can’t wait. Oh! And the biggest surprise is that I’m gonna set up FaceTime so Kris can sit in on a couple of songs with us. He has a show tonight, but he’s gonna take some time to play a few tunes when we get started. Kyra’s gonna be so excited. I also got her a tin whistle. Her dad already has one, but I’ve seen her pick it up a few times when he went to the bathroom or whatever. She kind of gave up on violin, but tin whistle’s a little easier to learn. And then she’ll be able to participate in the music sections of the workshop. I know she was bummed she couldn’t just dance her way into that. But now she can pipe her way in! Plus, Sean has a new girlfriend and he’s spending more and more of his evenings with her, and he only makes it to the sessions every once in a while. So we sort of need an extra piper.

I join Finn at the bar and he automatically says, “Make that two,” to Oaken.

Double Redbreast, neat. We clink glasses.

“So, six more weeks?” he asks.

“Five weeks, four days,” I reply.

“Or, five Wednesday sessions and four Sundays.”

We clink glasses again.

“I like the way you think!”

Why does he keep looking over my shoulder? Finally, I can’t take it and look behind me. Oh. Kyra is helping her dad move some things around so more people could fit into the session circle.

He’s definitely too old for her. But at least he notices how pretty she is without Amy Winehouse makeup. She’s a pretty girl, but she dresses sort of frumpy and she has a lot of curly hair that takes up a lot of space around her head. Poor Sean doesn’t have any hair so he doesn’t know what to do with it, and he never lets her buy clothes that are better fitted. I wish Dax had noticed her the way Finn did.

“She’s 16,” I remind him.

“What? Yeah, it’s her 16th birthday. I know.”

He’s 19, only three years older. If she were 17 or he were 18, I would have been so for it. But 16 and 19 seems like too much of a stretch. I could extol the virtues of dating a man in his early forties all day long, but I’m also in my mid thirties. Me dating someone who’s eight years older is a lot different than Krya dating someone who is three years older. Maybe it’s because she’s in high school and he’s not, or because he can drink and she can’t, or because he doesn’t need a chaperone in order to be in the pub, but she does.

I’ve seen him look at her before, too. He pretty much can’t take his eyes off her when she’s sean-nos dancing. I’m gonna kill him if Kyra decides to stop dancing with us because of how creepy he is around her.

I co*ck my eyebrow. “You’re too old for her, yeah?”

“I know. But she’s gorgeous and she dances like a dream. I can’t help but look at her. I’m only three years older, and anyway, Kris is like 20 years older than you.”

“Eight. You asshole. And I wasn’t in high school when we started dating.”

“Fine, sorry. You’re right. I know.”

“Besides,” I’m gonna drive this home, “she’s got a boyfriend anyway.”

“Of course she does. A girl that beautiful has to have a boyfriend, doesn’t she? Who is it? That guy over there?”

“She’s. Too. Young. For. You!” I pound the bar when I say it. The boyfriend thing didn’t f*cking work.

“I just wanna know who he is. That’s all.”

“He’s not here.” f*ck!

“He’s not even here? He didn’t even show up to see his girl dance on her birthday?”

I don’t even know what the hell to tell him because he’s f*cking right. Dax should f*cking be here. Ugh. I just hope Finn f*cking stays away from Kyra. Not to say she’d fall for him anyway. He’s so different from Dax. Dax is, I hate to admit it, exceptionally attractive, and Finn isn’t exactly what I’d call handsome. Not ugly, per se, I guess, but, unlike Dax, he is really f*cking charming when he’s not telling me my boyfriend is 20 years older than me. And he actually thinks Kyra’s boyfriend should want to be around her… Speaking of, where is that jackass? I like him less and less the more his stupid name comes up. Breathe. He’s important to Kyra so I won’t let her know how much I don’t trust him.

“Finn, she’s too f*cking young for you. It’s not gonna happen. Move on.”

Honestly, though, I can’t wait to see Finn’s reaction when he finds out Kyra’s boyfriend is named Dax. Stupid f*cking name. Finn’s gonna be in stitches and that’s gonna be so f*cking satisfying.

*****

~ Elsa ~

“So how’s Kris doing?”

“He’s doing good!” says Honeymaren.

Such a relief. I’m gonna take my gloves off, and hopefully he’ll still do well. I really feel like I’m on my own for this one. I obviously can’t talk to Anna about it, other than asking her how he’s doing every few hours, as though she constantly knows what he’s doing. And when I don’t ask her, I check in with Honeymaren and Sven. They know what I’m doing, and they always answer me once and then they refuse to answer me anymore. I get one answer per day from each of them. Then the anxiety builds, but it’s ok because nothing happens and then I’m fine. I feel so lucky to have people in my life that get it.

I hate keeping this secret from Anna, but it doesn’t change her response to me when I ask.

“Elsa, this is the third time you’ve asked today. I’ve answered you twice, and I’m not going to answer anymore.”

I know she’s right. She’s doing the right thing, but it sucks.

“Why are you so interested in how he’s doing anyway? Is there something I don’t know about?”

Oh no. I’m not going to be able to lie to her!

“Oh, just something Olaf said. About Kris’ health, and how when I’m on the bus he’s healthier. I’m just worried something bad is going to happen to him.”

“Oh. Well, how bout if I let you know if something bad happens? Then you won’t need to get reassurance.”

“Ok.” Wow, that was awful. I can’t believe she doesn’t suspect.

“Is he having health problems, though? He never mentioned it to me.”

“Oh, I don’t know. Olaf was probably making fun of his age.”

“WHAT!” Damn it, why did I have to go there. Now she’s gonna yell at Olaf and he might tell her. Ugh…

“No, I mean not making fun of. Just… he was just worried when he saw all the vitamins Kris takes every morning.” Oh, crap. He does take a lot of vitamins, but I don’t know if Anna knows that. I can see her wheels turning.

“Well, I mean, he’s in his forties, and he’s not invincible. At least he’s smart enough to know that and he takes care of himself so he won’t have as many problems later in life.”

Wow, Olaf was right. The sun really does rise by Kris’ command as far as Anna is concerned. And he was right that she wouldn’t have believed us if we did tell her Kris had a drinking problem. She’d brush it off by saying it only happens every once in a while and he was able to keep himself together. The only way she’d realize he had a problem is if she saw it for herself. But she won’t because he’s so good at hiding it from her. Anna definitely won’t leave him for that. But she also deserves to be with someone that respects her enough to admit he has a problem and fix it without hurting her. Because that’s what will probably happen. He’ll break her heart just like Hans did, and she’ll hold on for dear life while she sinks with him for another 10 years. I really hope he just walks the line.

Chapter 26: Car Trouble and sh*tty Mecahnics

Chapter Text

~ HM ~

I can’t wait to see Elsa. We’re stopping in Arendelle for the night to pick up Elsa. She just finished her ballet, sent it off to the publisher’s for editing. Then she just has to make some minor edits (hopefully) before they print it for the orchestra and we lie back and relax. I think it’s gonna be hard to relax, though. I’ll be too busy being Elsa’s banshee.

What the hell was that? That’s not supposed to happen.

“Sven? What was that?”

“Crap, looks like our tire blew out, HM,” Olaf answered.

You’ve got to be sh*tting me. We have spares, but we’re gonna have to wait hours for someone to come out and help us fix it. We were going to hit up Anna’s orchestra concert tonight. We’ve never been able to check it out before, and Elsa already got tickets for everyone. It’s a surprise for Anna, though, because she doesn’t know we’re coming. She’s gonna sh*t her pants and I can’t wait to see her face when she sees Kris.

I’m so f*cking proud of that man right now. He hasn’t touched a bottle this whole time. And he’s back to being his normal annoying self again, and he’s playing so much better. Don’t get me wrong, he can play circles around any other punk guitarist in his most inebriated state, but when he’s completely sober I really wonder why we’re not bigger than we are. He didn’t make a big deal out of it, but he dumped all the whiskey on our first day. He tried to be quiet about it, but Olaf actually saw him dump four bottles out in the street.

“Kris, did you call the guy?” Where the f*ck is he? It’s been an hour and a half already.

“I thought Sven was supposed to call.” Normal, annoying, self.

At this rate, we’re not gonna make it to Anna’s concert. Can’t rely on these bozos to handle sh*t like this. How have I not learned my lesson yet?

“Ok, guys, he’s gonna be here in 20. I might as well let you know what’s going on.”

“What are you talking about, HM? Did you plan this or something.”

I’m seriously about to change my mind and skip Arendelle altogether. He’s really getting on my last nerve.

“We’re going to stay the night in Arendelle.” Kris sits up and puts down the guitar. Now he’s listening. “Elsa got us all tickets to see Anna’s orchestra concert.”

“Really?” Kris smiles.

“Yeah. The concert starts at 7, and we’ll probably just barely get there in time, if not a few minutes late. That is, assuming the guy that can change our tire gets here when he says he can.” I look at Kris to emphasize the last bit. He knows it’ll be partly his fault if we miss it. I know he’s been wanting to catch one of Anna's concerts for a while, but the timing just never worked out. Either we had a show or we weren’t there on a night Anna performed.

By the time the guy was done with the tire, Kris had already put on his green long sleeve shirt and tie he wore for the Winter Holiday gigs. I have to admit he cleans up nice. Well, nicer, anyway. Anna doesn’t care about that kind of sh*t, but she’ll at least notice that he put in an effort. And that’s what really counts.

I, myself, am dressing up, as well. Not like I’m gonna perform, but a short black skirt with the sparkly fishnets and a dark purple embroidered shirt from my Nation. I’m proud of who I am and where I came from, and Elsa’s proud to be with me, so I’m going to represent that. I know some people might give me looks, because there’s a lot of prejudice, especially in a town like Arendelle where there aren’t many Ahtohallans. Anyway, I feel like the shirt is in line with Elsa finishing the ballet.

Sven put on a very understated black dress, a short black bob wig, and his red opera gloves. If ever there was a time for opera gloves, this would be it. Olaf just looks as fine and dandy as he always does. He’s got a cute pink and white striped dress shirt with a navy bow tie and suspenders. We look good, is all I’m saying.

*****

~ Elsa ~

“Honeymaren… You look…”

“Amazing?” adds Olaf.

“Stunning?” says Sven.

“Gorgeous?” suggests Kris.

They’re all so sweet. But honestly, there’s no words. I pull her as close to me as she can be while we’re still wearing clothes.

“Hmhmmm…” one of them mutters. I’ve already really messed up her hair, and I’m not sure why she didn’t just wait until after we saw each other to put on her lipstick. I didn’t mean to wash away all her efforts, but damn, if my girlfriend isn’t an Amazon, except with two perfect breasts... Oh my god, why…

“Right. Um, good to see you, Honeymaren.”

They’re all laughing at me now, and I might have been embarrassed except that the fire in Honeymaren’s eyes tells me she really didn’t want me to stop.

This is pretty high up. Yup. A fall from the balcony would kill anyone. Breathe, Elsa. Breathe. You're fine. No need for my OCD friend here.

We're far enough away that Anna can’t see us, but Anna is one of two redheads on the stage, so she’s easy to spot. Anyway, it’s not really about watching. But Kris has about 1,000 questions and Sven and Olaf each have another 500. It’s difficult to filter through all of the very naughty thoughts I’m having about Honeymaren so I can explain about the concert, instruments, music, everything. None of them has ever been to a symphony concert before, so it’s all brand new for them. After the first piece Honeymaren announces that she has to go to the bathroom and excuses herself. Except her breasts are practically in my face as she scoots past me. My god, my mouth is watering. Did she mean to tease me on purpose?

Never mind. I’ve heard the Dvorak cello concerto how many times? Plus the soloist is the one that just had Hans' baby. Damn, that's a drop. Deep breath. I can do this. “I need to go to the restroom, too,” I let everyone know. They snicker, but I smile to myself as I walk away. I don’t even worry about how high up we are. Six weeks is a long time to be away from a woman like Honeymaren. And I am going to give her the homecoming she deserves.

All of the stalls are empty, except the handicap stall at the end. “Honeymaren?” I knock.

The door opens just slightly. By her foot. And oh my god… she’s completely topless, her skirt is rolled up, and he legs are spread. So, not just teasing.

I swallow hard and straddle her lap. After kissing her and playing with her breasts for probably the entire first movement of the concerto, I force her to the top of the toilet and pull her fishnets down just enough so my head can be where it needs to be. My tongue knows all the crevices and every yelp is a personal victory.

I’m so close to making her come. She’s right there, just a few more flicks of my tongue and she would be belting out some fabulous aria. She’s just starting to. She’s just about to.

"My, isn't that Hans such an angel?"

"I sure wouldn't mind if he buttered my biscuit, if you know what I mean."

This is only kind of a buzzkill. I smile at Honeymaren, and I keep going, and she’s trying so hard not to make any noise. My tongue’s getting a little tired, but I’m not stopping for those ladies.

“Hello? Is someone there?”

I smile at Honeymaren again.

“Yeah, sorry, my boyfriend just left me.”

We laugh silently together at how preposterous that is.

“Oh, do you want to talk about it?”

Wow, that lady’s so nice. I almost feel bad.

“No, but thank you. I just need to be alone.”

Once the ladies leave, I have to be quick. Obviously, intermission is starting and pretty soon there’s gonna be a line out the door. There is nothing like the sound of a singer coming, especially an opera singer. It’s the best music there is. I don’t dare stop until she’s done singing. And it’s a lot longer than I even hoped for, cut short by some women filing in, though. We take our turns leaving the stall, trying not to make a scene. There’s a woman trying to go into our stall right after me, but Honeymaren lock the door right away. I shrug my shoulders and she scowls. I wait just inside the entrance to the bathroom for Honeymaren to finish. A few minutes later Honeymaren emerges, and that woman looks at me again. I shrug my shoulders again. Honeymaren takes my hand and we head back to our seats, doing our best not to giggle.

*****

~ Kristoff ~

That must be Anna’s dickhe*d ex-husband on the podium. f*ck, that’s really who she married? He looks like he’d snap in half when the wind blew hard enough.

“That dude looks so stupid,” says Sven. “I’m really trying hard not to think about his hair.”

“Isn’t that Anna’s ex-husband?” asks Olaf.

“Oh! Oops!” says Sven.

His hair does look really stupid. And does he think he’s Beethoven with those sideburns? Wow. It’s so distracting I can barely concentrate on the music. And if I think about Anna too much… well, it has been two months since I’ve seen her. I’m trying to just think about the music. But f*ck, I didn’t know her fingers could move that fast.

After the show, which HM and Elsa pretty much missed the first half of, Elsa shows us around. “This is where the musicians come out after the show. Anna should be here soon.”

Why am I so nervous to see her?

She’s totally shocked to see me and she just stares for a while. I’m feeling a little self-conscious from how long she stares. Maybe I’m not dressed properly? I’m wearing sneakers… f*ck. Why am I so nervous right now? She doesn’t care about that sh*t. So what is that look for?

She makes a run for me and almost knocks me over. Sometimes I forget how strong she is. I almost don't even catch her. She locks her ankles and kisses me without even saying a word. Once we run out of breath, she holds my face and said, “hi.”

“Hi, you.”

Then she smiles. “Aren’t you supposed to be in North Mountain?”

“We took a detour to see you play. We’ll head out early tomorrow morning.”

“And then three more days until you come back to Arendelle after that?”

“Yeah. The longest three days ever.”

“Can’t you talk to HM about cancelling a show or two?” she jokes. Before I can give her an answer she locks her lips onto mine again.

“All the times you’ve seen me perform, I’ve never seen you perform until tonight.”

“Oh no! I don’t have a guitar pick to throw you!”

“You just threw yourself. That’s so much better, though.”

“Oh, sh*t. Put me down. Put me down.”

f*ck. Did I just get her in trouble?

“Anna, shouldn’t you be conducting yourself in a manner more suitable for a member of the premier symphony orchestra in the country?”

Wait, is he German, Norwegian, Dutch? I’ve heard that accent before, but I can’t place it.

“Sorry. Just haven’t seen each other in a while. I don’t think anyone saw.”

“Oh, Anna, everyone saw.”

What an asshole.

“So, are you going to introduce me to your new… friend ?”

Seriously, this is the dickhe*d she married?

“I don’t need to introduce you to my friends. We’re leaving so I won’t embarrass you anymore.”

The look of shock on that man’s face was priceless. Anna’s already half-way to the door.

“Good luck,” he said. “She’s so high maintenance. High performance, yes, but extremely high maintenance.”

“You know, only sh*tty mechanics blame car trouble on their cars.”

He looks like he's thinking of what to say, and I leave before he has the chance. What did she even see in that guy?

*****

~ Anna ~

“So… um Hans? Um…”

“What did I ever see in him?”

“Well, yeah, I guess. I mean, was it the accent? I guess he just doesn’t really seem like your type.”

“I don’t really have a type. I like who I like. I don’t, you know, have some image of a man in my head and go out looking for it. At the time, there was something there. And I shouldn’t have married him because we were all wrong for each other. And we got married too soon, before we really got to know each other. And we actually lived in different cities, but then he finally got the gig in Arendelle, and things just fell apart, slowly but surely. He wasn’t who I thought he was, but I was exactly who he thought I was. I changed, though.”

“How long…”

“Do you promise not to judge? It’s a little embarrassing.” Ten times as embarrassing as Kris finding his guitar pick in my My Little Pony underwear the first time we slept together. And that was... f*ck.

“You can tell me anything. You don’t need to be embarrassed.” He says that, but…

“Ok. We’d only been dating for a month when we got married.” I try to sound as nonchalant as possible. Maybe he won’t think it’s a big deal...

“You married a man you just met? Like that month?” Ugh. This is exactly how I knew he’d react.

“I’m not proud of it.”

“No, but really? You’re not f*cking with me?”

“Why would I lie about something like that?”

“Maybe because it took you almost a year to agree to be in a relationship with me, but you agreed to marry that douchebag after knowing him for a month? How should I not be offended by that?”

“It has nothing to do with you at all.”

“Oh really? Then why did it take so long?”

Kris’ voice is raised and he’s getting upset. I’ve never seen him like this and I want to rip all of his clothes off right now and screw him so hard. Is there something wrong with me? No… he really likes what I’m doing to his nipples.

“Because I was trying not to be f*cking stupid.”

Did he just f*cking push me away? What the hell? He seemed to be into it a second ago when he broke the button off my pants.

“Wait a sec… You thought being with me was stupid? Is that what you’re saying?”

“Kris! It’s in the past. Come on!” I reach up for his head again. Damn it. I’m f*cking horny right now. And he’s so f*cking sexy when he all worked up like that.

“Maybe it would be in the past if you didn’t work with him every day and he couldn’t make you stop kissing me because it’s 'inappropriate'.”

f*ck. Ok. We’re doing this. I sit up and brush my hair back. No longer horny. Congratulations!

“Ok, Kris. Fine. What do you want to know?”

My blood is racing. Obviously my boyfriend is now Judge Kristoff. And my bed is no longer the judgement free zone he promised. I don’t like this new side of him.

“Do you still have a thing for your ex?”

Great. He’s f*cking jealous for no god damn reason and he’s making a f*cking issue out of nothing.

“No! Isn’t that f*cking obvious?”

“He still wants you. That’s what’s f*cking obvious.”

“Who gives a sh*t? I’m with you.”

“Well, you run around all the guys at the session with your short skirts and no bra. You have to love all that attention.”

That’s what this is about. Lyndsay.

“I mean, I’m just waiting for the day you tell me you f*cked Finn.”

“Christ, Kris. Gross. He’s practically a baby. I like older men, not younger men. Speaking of, why don’t you f*cking grow up a little.”

“Well…” Obviously he has nothing to say about that because he knows I’m right and he’s being f*cking ridiculous.

“I f*cking ended it with Jeremy for you. Doesn’t that mean anything?”

“Yeah… I guess.”

“You f*cking guess, Kris? f*ck you.”

I can just feel it. I’m definitely going to say something I’ll regret.

“You wanna know the whole truth about me and what a f*cking slu*t I am? How much I love attention? Hans and I got engaged the first day we met.”

“The same f*cking day, Anna? Really? Now I know you're f*cking with me.”

“f*ck you, Kris! I don’t judge your past mistakes like that.”

“Seriously? That’s because I’ve never done anything that dumb before. I mean, what was it, he had a giant dick or something?”

“You know what, Kris? That’s it. I’m f*cking done. I’m done waiting for you to actually wake up in bed next to me every day. I’m done with long distance. And I’m done with insecure whiny babies pretending to be 43 year old men.”

I gather his clothes and things and I march to the front door of the apartment. I’m completely naked except for my underwear but who gives a sh*t. I launch everything into the hallway.

“Now!” I say as I point towards the door. “Leave. Now!”

“Wait, Anna. You're overreacting. You just have a bad temper, it's not-.”

"Overreacting? Bad temper? f*ck you, Kris." As I’m about to slam the door, I figure I might as well tell him everything. I’ve never told anyone before. And since he’s no longer going to be in my life it’s safe to say it.

“You wanna know why Hans married me? For a f*cking green card. He fooled me into 10 years of an empty bed so he could f*ck everyone in this country that wasn’t his wife. I hate him but he's my f*cking boss and don't you know how much that f*cking sucks for me to see him every god damn day? And by the way, he had every opportunity to f*ck me for 10 years and he didn't, so believe me he's not even remotely interested. Do you still think I want to f*ck him?”

“Well, no, Anna, come on. We can-”

"It's a rhetorical question, Kris. Your opinion no longer matters."

I slam the door in his face. f*cking asshole.

Chapter 27: Bottom of the f*cking Atlantic

Chapter Text

~ Kris ~

How the f*ck did this happen? I’m half naked like an asshole, standing in the hallway, staring at Anna’s door, which she just slammed in my face. Seriously, how the f*ck did this just happen? Right. I’m an asshole. That’s how this happened. I was definitely an asshole. And now I’m a f*cking idiot, too.

This can’t be it.

Knock, knock, knock

“Anna, I’m sorry. Please open up. I’m sorry!”

I slump down in front of her door and weep like a whiny baby. She was right about that. I am a whiny baby.

She really does have a temper, though. I was hoping she’d never use it against me, but I pushed her too hard. Everyone loves to tell me how f*cking immature I am. I always thought they were exaggerating, but now I see that they weren’t. Of course that was something really sensitive and I laughed at her and gave her a hard time and accused her of sleeping with other men or wanting to. When her husband f*cking cheated on her! Of all people, she would never do that to me. And of course she had the decency not to bring Lyndsay into this. Because she f*cking should have. I knew her a lot longer before we got married and it still fell to f*cking pieces, and in a lot less time. I’m not exactly proud of that either.

How long am I going to f*cking sit here? It’s been like two hours and she still hasn’t opened the door. And she’s not going to until she leaves her apartment tomorrow, and I’ll miss the bus by then. I can’t believe I said all that sh*t to her while I was sober. And I only stopped drinking for her, so I wouldn’t f*ck up. But here I am, all f*cked up and sober. There’s a bottle of Tullamore Dew with my name on it on the tour bus. I was saving it for a rainy day, just in case. And this is f*cking category 5 Hurricane Anna with strong gale force winds. I’d say this is worthy of breaking that seal. If I can’t have Anna, at least I can have whiskey.

Everyone’s asleep so I slide into my bunk. I love the sound of the metal separating as I open the bottle for the first time. Oh, it smells so f*cking great. I try the first shot straight from the bottle, but it’s too much and it spills onto my clothes and my blanket, along with my tears. Oh well, but my throat’s burning. I can’t take it neat like Anna can… f*ck, I don’t have any tissues in here. I lick the snot from my lip, like every other man. The sound of the pop and fizz as I open the co*ke can is almost as good as the bottle. I take a big sip to soothe my throat and fill it with whiskey. It’s already so much better. But I add more liquor to fill what I just drank.

f*cking Anna. I don’t f*cking need her…

Yes, I f*cking do. What the hell am I going to do now? I have to try again when we’re done with North Mountain. Because not getting her back is not an option. Maybe she’s just mad and she’ll calm down and we can laugh about it later.

I’m just gonna text her tomorrow morning. No, I’m gonna text her now. And a selfie. No, three selfies. Ok, two more. Why isn’t she responding? She could at least tell me to f*ck off. No, she’s probably asleep. Unless… she really meant it and she really is through with me. f*ck. I pop open another co*ke. I try to be as quiet as I can because I know they’re all going to yell at me for it. I’m being such a whiny baby. I mean, I can drink whatever I want to drink whenever I want to drink. I don’t need to hide it. There’s no shame in drinking a few shots of whiskey from a can of co*ke. It’s just less clean up. Wait how many cans is that? Four? I’m not even drunk...

~

f*ck, my head hurts. The room is spinning. Crap. Still drunk. I turn my head, hoping I’m waking up next to Anna and not on the couch. No Anna, but I’m in my bunk. Right, we’re going to North Mountain. We’re moving. Wait. Anna… I curl into a ball and… this f*cking sucks. I need some more co*ke. I remember what happened last night. Not drunk enough.

~

“What the f*ck, Kris? We’re on in a couple hours and you’re f*cking wasted.”

“I’m fine. I’m not even drunk.”

“Just take a f*cking shower. You reek.”

Sometimes HM is such a f*cking bitch. Hopefully no one finds the bottle under my blanket. I still need it. Like a whiny baby. There’s only a few co*ke cans left… I’ll have to get some more after the show. Plus another bottle. I'm definitely going to need that.

~

I’m not sure how I got here. Everything is blurring together and my head… it’s like there’s a punk rock show inside my head instead of outside. There’s so many lights and they’re so fuzzy and bright. I keep tripping on cords or whatever.

“Kris! What the hell are you doing man? It’s A-E-A." Haha, tripping on chords now. Tripping on chords and cords. Anna would have thought that was hilarious if she were here. sh*t. I missed it again.

"Damn it, Kris! It’s not that hard!”

It would be hard if Anna were here. Wait, is that her? It is! Anna! I'm so sor-

*****

~ Anna ~

Seriously, how many selfies does Kris think it’s going to take for me to take him back? Honestly, this is a long time coming anyway. He said he wants to stay with me for a few months, but we all know what’s gonna happen. He’s gonna go see his parents, and he’s gonna stay in North Mountain with HM recording. And then he’s gonna go on tour again, and this whole thing all over again. And that’s what the rest of my life is gonna look like. Well, you know what? No, it’s not. Because I’m done with long distance relationships. I put 110% into this relationship and he still accused me of cheating on him. Nope. He doesn’t trust me, he doesn’t trust me. I can’t do anything about that. Except not answer his texts. No matter how cute they are.

~

“You ok, Anna?”

f*cking Kathy.

“Yeah, why?”

“You seem agitated.”

“Do I?”

“Just don’t miss the page turns tonight.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” f*cking c*nt. I hate her.

~

Wow, that’s how many missed messages and phone calls? I need to tell Kris to just back off. Clearly he doesn’t get that it’s f*cking over.

No, it’s from everyone except Kris. What the hell’s going on?

Ring, ring. The phone almost buzzes out of my hands.

“Olaf? What’s going on?”

“Kris…”

My heart is racing. Kris what?

“Kris had an accident. He’s at the hospital in North Mountain. You should probably come.”

“What? Olaf? What happened? Is he ok?”

“We don’t know yet. He’s in critical condition. Just get here as soon as you can.”

“Anna, you ok?”

“Here, you dropped your violin... I’ll just put it away for you. Doesn’t seem to be any damage.”

How am I going to get to North Mountain? There’s only three people that might be willing to take me. And only two of them have cars. Matt probably has a gig.

~

Declan and I drive in silence to North Mountain. I keep calling for updates, and it’s still the same. Critical condition, whatever the f*ck that means. And none of them will even f*cking tell me what happened and what’s wrong with him.

I can’t take it anymore. I sink my phone to Declan’s car and play Grand Pabbie. It makes me think of Kris. And then I play Buldena. She makes me think of my mom. And then we sit in silence some more.

Elsa immediately greets me at the hospital.

“Where’s Kris?”

“You must be Anna,” a nurse says. “Follow me.”

“What happened? No one’s telling me.” I ask.

“Well, Mr. Kris took a tumble and hit his head. He’s not conscious, but there is promising brain activity. We’re keeping him comfortable and monitoring his status for now.”

“You mean he’s in a coma?” No f*cking way is this actually happening.

“He is, but the doctor expects him to come out of it. Patients with as much brain activity as he has usually do. Having you here will help, too. We’ll know more in the next 24-48 hours, and once we get all of the alcohol out of his system.”

He just looks like he’s sleeping. I kiss his cheek and stroke his arm, nuzzle my head into his neck. He’s not waking up, though. I look back at the nurse, pleading for an answer.

“I’ll give you two some privacy.”

This can’t be real. There’s no f*cking way. And I slammed the f*cking door in his face! Was he drunk when this happened? He must have been really wasted if he still has alcohol in his system. He drank because I broke up with him. I don't even want to break up with him!

I step into the hallway to cry it out because I don’t want him to hear that. He needs positive energy. I collapse into a ball and Elsa finds me. She brings me to the guest lounge area and Olaf hands me some coffee and something sweet he got from the vending machine. I am really hungry.

“We’re so sorry, Anna,” he says.

“How did you let him get that wasted? Wasted enough to hit his head like that?”

They actually saw him on the bus getting drunk and they didn't take the f*cking bottle from him? They all look so guilty. Like they're hiding something.

“What aren’t you telling me?”

“We think Kris might be an alcoholic,” says Sven.

“What?” I think back. Is there any behavior I could recognize to support their suspicions? On occasion he overindulged, but for the most part, I really haven’t seen anything.

“He hides it from you so you won’t know. Because he thinks you’ll leave him if you knew,” says Sven.”

“We’re sorry, Anna. We thought it was better that we didn’t tell you.”

“Are you f*cking kidding me, HM? You really thought I would leave him because he’s an alcoholic?”

Her chest is heavy. She knows she screwed up.

“So you all knew? You all knew and you f*cking kept this from me? You saw me doing shots and Irish car bombs with him and you didn’t f*cking say anything? You’re pretty sh*tty friends, aren’t you?”

“We just thought it was best, Anna.”

“Sven, what exactly did you do to help Kris? Because it really seems like all you guys did was f*cking enable him.”

“But, Anna, we just-”

“You, too, Elsa? You knew? How could you do that to Kris? How could you do that to me?”

I almost feel bad for Elsa’s tears. But they’re nothing compared with Kris fighting for his life.

Elsa lowers her head. “I don’t need any of you in my life. Kris may forgive you for this when he wakes up, but I f*cking won’t. Just leave. Just f*cking leave. All of you. None on you deserves to be here when Kris wakes up. f*ck. I don’t even have time for this bullsh*t. Kris is in a coma and I’m gonna go f*cking be there for him.”

I’m so f*cking livid right now! I really held back, though. I deserve an Academy Award for that. The nasty things running through my head make the way I talked to Jeremy sound like a f*cking My Little Pony episode. But I’m in a hospital and I’m here for Kris. And if I let any of that out of my mouth I won’t be able to stop it and I’ll end up spending at least one night in a jail cell. The truth is that I’m so much more mad at myself than anyone else. If I hadn’t shoved half-naked Kris into the hallway and then ignored his texts he might not be in a coma. I broke up with him for a stupid reason. Between working with my ex-husband and living in the same building as my ex- whatever he was, and his ex-wife cheated on him… of course he’d be worried about that. And I always knew how immature he was. And I fell in love with all of him, including that. I called him an insecure whiny baby. f*ck. I’m such a f*cking bitch.

But does he really have an addiction? How did I f*cking miss his addiction? Oh my god, his dad was an alcoholic. And I did f*cking shots with him? So what if he f*cking hid it from me? I should have seen it anyway. What the f*ck did I miss? God, all those times he said he had trouble sleeping and couldn’t wake up to take his selfie? Those days he fell asleep on the couch with Sven? I should have f*cking noticed. How could I have missed all the signs? How did I not f*cking see it?

There’s a big chair in the room that the nurse said folds into a bed. But I don’t need it. I hop onto the hospital bed with Kris and I tell him to fight and that I’m here for him. I tell him how sorry I am for the fight and that I don’t want to break up with him, but also for not knowing how much pain he was in. And I tell him I love him and all the things I love about him. There’s so many things I love about him that I fall asleep in the middle of my list.

*****

~ Kris ~

What’s that? It’s so heavy, pressing against me.

What’s that sound? Is it words, is someone there?

My neck’s wet… why would my neck be wet? And my face?

Now more weight. What is that?

I think I can lift my arm. I try to say something, anything. Who’s there? What is this? But I can’t.

I keep trying with my arm. I think it’s moving, but I don’t really know.

There is something on top of me, something squirming. Like a cute raccoon. Something warm and wet on my cheek, now my neck, and more muffled words I can’t understand. That voice, it's so familiar. Whose voice is that?

Anna. Is that her? Is she here? I wish I could see her. Anna! Anna! Why can't she hear me?

"I love you."

I love you, too, Anna. I love you so much. Where are you going? Anna? Come back. Anna, I love you! Come back!

*****

~ Anna ~

Can’t ever be close enough to Kris. Even when he can’t move. I don’t have to worry about smothering him because he’s hooked up to a breathing machine. I’m doing my very best not to cry. He needs me to be strong, not sad. There’s nothing to be sad about anyway because he’s gonna come out of this.

“You’re not dying today, Old Man. Ok? Can’t get rid of me that easily. I’m with you to the bottom of the f*cking Atlantic Ocean. So… you jump, I jump, right? And I’m not ready to jump so neither are you.” I just know it.

His crow’s feet aren’t so pronounced, just barely indented. I kiss his lips as I press my thumbs against the tiny fjords. When I move my thumbs, the water of one of my tears fills one of them. I move on to kiss his neck and readjust in a futile attempt to get closer.

Not so futile… Kris just lifted his arm to my back! I kiss him one more time and tell him I love him again. Then I run for the nurse.

Chapter 28: That's One Way...

Chapter Text

~ Kris ~

Anna. Anna. Anna.

Where’s the cute raccoon?

That’s not the cute raccoon.

“Kris? Kris? Can you hear me?”

Where’s Anna? I want to talk to Anna. Is she here? Is she real?

“Kris? Just say something. Say anything.”

That’s not Anna. I want Anna! “Aaaa…”

“That’s it. Keep going.”

It’s not “Aaaaaaa….”

“You’re doing great. Aaaaa what?”

“Aaaaaannnn…”

“Anna?”

“Aaaaannn!!!!” Why can’t she understand me?

“Kris!!! Kris!!!”

That’s the one I want. That’s Anna. I know it is. I can just feel her being close. But not close enough.

“Anna, we just need a few more minutes with him. Can you just wait in the hall? I’ll let you know when it’s ok to come back in.”

“So that’s who you want to talk to is it? Anna?”

“Yeeee… Aaannnn…”

“She your wife? Girlfriend?”

“Wiiiii…”

“Oh? Your wife! How nice!”

Wait, Anna’s my wife, right? Isn’t she? I definitely married that cute raccoon. There’s no way I didn’t marry her.

“Anna. Anna. Anna. Plea… I wan…. I wan Annaaaa!”

“You can see him now.”

Where did all the light go? It’s so much more comfortable like this, though.

Flower petals, on my cheek, or is it raindrops?

“Kris, I love you so much.”

Now she’s on top of me again. That’s just where I like her most. On top.

And my god, those kisses. They are enough to wake the dead, cause my dick feels so alive right now. If only I could lift my arms or open my mouth a little more, though that does not keep her tongue away from mine.

If only I could open my eyes and see her! But oh my god, does that feel good!

“Anna… yes… more…”

Oh… that is more. It’s like petals, but… a lot of petals… not on my cheek…

Wait, what is that beeping? I can just barely make out her hair. I don’t remember it being that bright. It’s glowing, like she’s an angel. Wait, am I dead? If I am, this is definitely heaven and it would not be a bad way to spend eternity.

No, I can’t be dead. Cause Anna’s here. I think I can just…. Oh, her hair’s so soft, like I remember.

What is that beep… Oh, f*ck! OH, f*ck!!! “Aaaaaaahhhhh ahhh ahhh aaaahhhhh!!!!”

*****

~ Anna ~

Where is the vomit tray? Uh. This tastes so bad. And I really don’t remember there being so much of it last time. Uhhhh. Gross!! Uhh. I must really f*cking love this guy.

“Excuse me!”

Great. I picked the exact moment the nurse came in to spit it all out. Then she looks at Kris. Then back at me, disgusted.

“Oh. That’s why his numbers are off the charts. Hmmm.”

Whatever. Kris is laughing. Well, he’s smiling, and his head is turned towards me. We’re gonna laugh about this A LOT when he’s able to. Because this is f*cking hilarious.

I’ve never seen anyone pull a blanket up so fast before.

“Well, you seem to be doing better now.”

“Yeah. A lot better.”

“Ok, well, I guess I’ll let you get back to your wife. She’s a better nurse than I am.” Now she’s looking at me. “That certainly is one way to come out of a coma. Hmph.”

God I'm sure my cheeks are bright red! But you know what? I’m not f*cking sorry. Look at Kris’ eyes! Yesterday I wasn’t sure if I’d ever get to see them again. But they’re better than I remember.

Wait, did she just say I was his wife? Why would she think that?

Ok, I did just give him a blow j*b. Guilty. But you don’t need to be married to do that. I guess she just assumed. Whatever. When is she gonna f*cking leave? I just want to hop back on his bed and rub my face against his stubble and tell him how amazing he is. Maybe he doesn’t even remember me telling him he’s a whiny baby and shoving him into the hallway…

Doesn’t matter. What matters is that he’s here, and he’s alive, and my name was the first thing he said when he started to come out of it. I’m so ashamed, though, and I really hope he forgives me.

Finally! He’s so comfortable. And I’m so exhausted. And he’s rubbing my back, and it’s so relaxing. I’ll just close my eyes for a minute...

*****

~ Kris ~

Anna must have been so tired. I think she was here the whole time I’ve been in the hospital. I don’t know how long that’s been, and I’m still kind of in and out of it, too. But I just know she was here.

I can’t remember everything that happened. I know she was mad at me about something, and I was sad. But it doesn’t matter. She’s drooling on my neck, so it doesn’t f*cking matter.

She must know I’m awake because she’s stirring. I really want to touch her hair, but my arm can’t go that far yet.

It’s like the Little Mermaid on the rock the way she lifts her body up like that. She’s so beautiful and sexy.

“Hey, Kris, you awake?”

“And then some, thanks to you.”

It takes a lot to make her blush like that.

“So, um, this is kind of embarrassing…” Now’s the time to ask, before it’s weird...

“I just spat your cum out in front of a nurse. It can’t be worse than that.” Yup. That’s a solid argument.

She lays back down on my chest and rubs it. “Ok… Um, are we married?”

She’s so quiet. I wish I could see what she’s thinking, but her head is on my chest. If we are married and I don’t remember, she might leave me. And if we aren't, it's just kind of weird. I really don’t remember what it’s like not to wake up with her on top of me, though, and I really don’t want her to leave. Ever.

“The nurse asked if you were my wife, and I said ‘yes’. But then I wasn’t sure. And you know, some things are kind of jumbled.”

“No, I’m not your wife.”

“Do you wanna be?”

“Yes!” She doesn’t move her head, but I can feel her giggling into my chest. God, I love this woman.

She scooches up close to me and wraps her whole body around me. She makes me feel so loved.

"I love you," I whisper as she drifts back to sleep.

I remember that first night, studying her face, wanting to remember her. I don't know what I was so worried about. I've been in a f*cking coma for who knows how long, and she was the only person I could see there. She's the most memorable person I've ever known.

Chapter 29: Crossroads and Progressions

Chapter Text

~ HM ~

f*ck, that was not the way to handle things.

I mean, Anna can be a straight up bitch sometimes, but she really cares about Kris. And she’s not wrong. Obviously our way of handling, really not handling, things didn’t work. And I really regret that. I really f*cking do. If Kris never comes out of his coma, I don’t know what. It’ll f*cking wreck me. I’d be wrecked now except that I have to stay strong for Elsa.

Elsa’s really not doing well. She locked herself in my room and won’t talk to anyone. She won’t eat either. And I really don’t f*cking know what to do. I want to ask Anna about it, but I can’t. Not only did she say she’d never speak to us again, but she’s worrying about Kris. He needs her more right now.

Elsa has me. And the guys. And all Kris has is Anna. And none of us know how to get in touch with his parents, not even Sven. And he smashed his phone when he fell. He’s always kept his home life private. Even after all these years, feeling like he’s my brother, I just don’t even f*cking know him at all.

I’m at my f*cking wit’s end. The only thing left to do is pray. But that’s not actually going to bring Kris back.

“Hey! Hey, guys!” Olaf’s way too excited. Unless maybe…

“Kris is out of the coma! He’s awake, and he’s doing well!”

Holy f*cking sh*t. I’ve never loved Olaf more than that moment. Sven piles on top of me to hug the little dude when his phone dings again.

“It’s Anna. She said it’s ok to come visit. Kris wants to see us!”

I don’t doubt that, especially since Anna wouldn’t have texted otherwise.

“Hey, Darling, good news. Kris is awake! We’re gonna go see him at the hospital. You wanna come?”

“No.”

She doesn’t even sit up or move her eyes from the wall to look at me. f*cking Anna. I know some of this isn’t her doing, but some of it f*cking is. Elsa obviously has some mental health issues, but that f*cking temper, that’s not normal either. Even though she was upset because the love of her life or whatever could have died, she didn’t have to take it out on us like that. We already felt really bad about it. I mean, Kris means a lot to us, too. And we already felt f*cking guilty as hell. She really needs to work on that.

And seeing Elsa like this is breaking my f*cking heart. “Ok, well we’ll be back soon. I’ll tell him you said ‘hello’.”

As I’m about to shut the door, she turns towards me. “Wait. Could you… could you tell him I said I’m glad he’s back?”

“Of course.”

“Oh, and give him this.” She sits at the desk and scribbles something on a small slip of paper.

“A chord progression?”

“He’ll know what that means.”

* * * * *

~ Kris ~

Obviously this whole thing sucks. Except that Anna’s forgiven me for whatever I did wrong, though she hasn’t told me what it was, and she even agreed to marry me. I honestly don’t know what I did to deserve this. I never thought I would feel this way, but I do, and almost dying has made me realize how precious life is, and I’m not really sure why I dragged my feet with her at all. I wasn’t ready to give up my life on the road for some stupid reason. I don’t even know what that reason is anymore. Now I just want to curl up on the couch every night and watch Titanic, or whatever Jane Austen or Disney movie Anna feels like watching.

As soon as I get out of the hospital I’m gonna buy her a ring. I asked her kind of spur of the moment, but I knew it was right. I was so disappointed when she told me she wasn’t already my wife. And I could tell that she was disappointed, too.

But she’s got so much life in her, and she wants to spend it on me. She’s spending it on me right now, sitting on the bed and holding my hand, willing me to get better.

“Hey, Krissy!”

“Svenny! Oh, you’re here!”

“Anna said you wanted to see us.” He practically pushes Anna out of the way so he can hug me. He really doesn’t know what boundaries are. But I’m glad to see him either way.

“Yeah, thanks for coming! Where’s everyone else?”

“Oh, they said only one of us could come in at a time.”

“Kris, I’m gonna go get some lunch while everyone’s visiting you. I’ll be back in a few minutes, yeah?”

“Wait, come here.” I hold her hand to my lips until she gets all flustered. It wasn’t my plan, but I love seeing her like that.

“Well, I guess the coma’s been good for you!” Sven freezes. “Jeez, I mean, it’s nice to see you so happy. Obviously it wasn’t good.”

“That’s, ok, man. I know what you meant.”

“Look, I’m really sorry for everything. How that all went down?”

“You mean how I went down?” Ok, that’s kind of funny.

“Yeah, I mean I knew you had a problem. And instead of helping, I was just mean. It was wrong, man, and I’m so sorry.”

“Problem? What are you even talking about?”

“Dude, you don’t know? You’re an alcoholic. You were so wasted and couldn’t stand up straight and that’s how you fell and hit your head.”

“What? No, I’m not.” Sure, I drink a lot. I mean, who doesn’t. And maybe I drink too much… but that doesn’t make me an alcoholic.

“Come on, man. We all knew you were hiding it.”

sh*t. But I’m not an alcoholic. My dad was an alcoholic. And that’s not me.

“Did you say anything to Anna about it?”

“Well, we didn’t want to, but she found out when you were, you know, sleeping.”

“Did she believe you?”

“I don’t know. But she was really pissed at us for not saying anything to her before, for not doing anything to help you. Like, so mad. And you know what her t-”

“Watch it.” I’m not about to sit here and commiserate with him about my future wife’s temper. It’s explosive, but no one’s perfect.

“Well, she was right. We should have said something before it was too late.”

“It’s not too late. Because I’m still here. And I’m glad you didn’t say anything to her about it. But it doesn’t matter anyway because she’s gonna marry me either way.”

“Huh? You’re getting married?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna quit the band. It’s been 20 years, and it’s just time.” Life’s too short to live without Anna.

Sven looks like he’s going to cry. “Hey, um, could you not say anything to HM about it yet? I just want her to hear it from me. I owe her that much.”

*****

~ Anna ~

I don’t really want to see any of them. But Kris does. And I don’t know what they’re going to say to each other. Are they going to tell Kris what a heinous bitch I am? Are they going to tell him he’s an alcoholic and how he hit his head? Are they going to tell him that I knew and didn’t say anything?

How is that any better than what they did? We’re gonna be married and I should be totally honest with him. And I plan to, it’s just that he only just woke up and he can’t even walk on his own yet. And he sleeps all the time. He’s so exhausted. I just wanted to wait to burden him with it. Besides, aren’t I just as much at fault as everyone else? Probably more. I just wanted to have some happy days with him, being alive and in love. And anyway, there’s a drug and alcohol abuse counselor coming to see him tomorrow morning.

“Oh, hey! Anna Iguana! Tell me, do ya wanna… get some coffee?”

It’s Ryder. I don’t think he had anything to do with Kris’ other friends’ betrayal. He was here in North Mountain the whole time. He wouldn’t have known Kris had a problem anymore than I did. I mean, I should have known. But how could Ryder have?

I give him a half hug, which turns into an extra long full hug and me sobbing into his shoulder. I didn’t even realize how much I held in to be strong for Kris.

“It’s ok,” he says, almost patronizingly. “Just let it out.”

“Yeah, coffee sounds great,” I say with a weak laugh. But I do feel better now.

He tells me what a mess everyone is, how they feel so guilty for not saying anything. They all feel responsible for his coma. Especially Elsa. She’s taking it the hardest.

“Yeah, but HM’s been great with her. She’s so patient, and she said she learned a lot from you about how to help her.”

Somehow that floors me. It shouldn’t because I know how much she loves Elsa. But to put aside my tirade to acknowledge that I will always have Elsa’s best interest at heart? Yeah, that’s a f*cking tear. Not to mention how guilty I feel for helping Elsa get to that state. I can only imagine how hard something like this is for her. It’s her literal worst nightmare, being partially responsible for putting a man she’s grown to care about as a brother, a man that’s been there for her whenever she needed him, into a coma. It’s not her fault, though, but she won’t see it that way, and I didn’t do anything to help.

I just can’t right now. I’m still so mad, and I’m just not ready to deal with anyone else’s problems other than Kris’. Thank goodness for HM, though, because I would really lose it if I had to take care of Elsa right now, too. At least I don’t have to worry about her as much because HM is doing a good job of that already.

“So, what have you been up to, Ryder? It’s been too long.”

“Still working at the auto shop. I like it a lot, and sometimes I get to work on really cool cars. And I’ve been practicing a lot. You know Kris was giving me lessons the whole time they were on tour?”

I didn’t know that, but that’s just like him.

“Yeah, he’s a really good teacher. Oh, and I got a girlfriend now!”

It’s hard not to smile when Ryder smiles like that. He was so unsure of himself before, and now he can’t contain his happiness.

“That’s great! Tell me about her.”

“Well, her name’s Sonia. I met her when she came into the auto shop. And I dunno, we just sort of hit it off. And when she came to pick up her car, she gave me a post-it with her number. It’s only been a couple of months, but it’s just awesome.”

“I’m so happy for you, Ry. You deserve this.”

“Thanks. You know, I probably wouldn’t have even called her if Kris hadn’t encouraged me to do it.”

That also sounds like Kris.

“Yeah, he told me how much he regretted not messaging you when you first met, how he wished he hadn’t waited so long.”

I really f*cking love that guy. My fiance. Now it’s my turn to smile. Kris is my fiance. I want to jump up and down and screech, but that would be so inappropriate.

*****

~ HM ~

“Hey, Kris! I heard you’re feeling a little under the weather.”

Kris laughs so hard he coughs a little. “Yeah, I guess you could say that. But I’m getting better.”

“I’m sure it has nothing to do with that nurse that hasn’t left your side.”

“Anna? Yeah, she’s been so great. Hey, so um, speaking of Anna. I need to talk to you.”

I already know what he’s going to say.

“We’re gonna get married.”

See? Not surprised at all. He almost died, of course he’s gonna ask the woman he loves to marry him.

“About damn time!”

Now he laughs even harder and coughs even harder. I get him some water. Must have been really thirsty.

“Yeah. But you know what that means…”

“You’re quitting the band?”

He sighs and frowns. “Yeah. It’s just time. I’m tired and it’s too hard being away from Anna.”

“Well, good for you. I mean, it’s really going to be hard to replace you. And I’ve gotten used to your over-the-top fondness for pentatonics. But, I mean, I’m really happy for you, dude.”

“Thanks, HM. That really means a lot for you to be so supportive.”

“Of course. Maybe, you know, you could at least invite us to the wedding?”

Now he’s laughing again. “What the f*ck, HM? You really think you wouldn’t be invited?”

The way Anna lit into us…

“Don’t worry about Anna. She’s protective and she just needs time. She’ll come around.”

Ok, don’t know what to say about that. Just change the subject. Cause I’m not about to complain about the dude’s fiancee, who just so happens to be Elsa’s sister.

“Did you bring my guitar?”

“Oh, I almost forgot. Elsa’s having a hard time dealing with everything, so she didn’t feel up to visiting-”

“Yeah, I figured. I understand. Tell her, please? Sven told me what happened. Tell Elsa it’s not her fault.”

Damn it, Kris! He’s the one that almost died and he’s more concerned about Elsa feeling at fault for it.

“Well, she told me to give you this, that you’d know what it means.”

“Can I have my guitar? And in my wallet, there’s a green pick.”

Well, I’ll be f*cking damned. Anna made him a guitar pick. Ok, that’s f*cking cute.

And this is so typical. He can play guitar but he has trouble sitting up all the way for long. Apparently three weeks in a coma is really hard on the muscles. He’s more used to playing on his back anyway. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised that if someone had put his guitar in his hands while he was in the coma that he would have strung together some badly resolved dominant -> tonic progressions as a f*cking joke. The "devil's tritone" they used to call it back in the day. People actually got guillotined for that kind of sh*t. Who knows, maybe this was his "at the crossroads" moment.

A - D - A - E - B7 - E

Ok, I see where Elsa's going with this. Kris starts:

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine…

He lets me have the next one:

I keep my eyes wide open all the time

Back to Kris:

I keep the ends out for the tie that binds

And together:

Because you’re mine, I walk the line…

God, I'm gonna miss this so much. Then he switches gears.

A - E - A - E

I went down to the crossroads, fell down on my knees
I went down to the crossroads, fell down on my knees
Asked the Lord above for mercy, "Save me if you please"

The blues progression, those lyrics, he's so at home with them. He is at the crossroads, though, isn't he? He's been given a second chance, and I really hope he walks the f*cking line this time.

Chapter 30: Hurt

Chapter Text

~ HM ~

Well, this isn’t awkward. Nope.

I don’t even know what to say to Anna. I mean, I know she’s pissed, and I get why. But I’m pissed, too. I’m pissed at her. I can’t believe she would talk to Elsa that way. She knows better than anyone what goes on in her head, and she f*cking slayed her.

And she’s probably Elsa’s best bet for not getting worse and she won’t help because she’s so pissed at us for a 43 year old grown ass man not handling his liquor and almost getting himself killed because of it.

f*ck. I’m such a bitch.

She won’t even look at me. We’re just gonna have to f*cking heart to heart. We have to for Kris and Elsa.

If Kris weren’t here, I’d grab a bottle of whiskey and some glasses and we’d go outside and talk it out under the stars. But that’s not an option.

“Hey, Anna, do you want anything to eat? You hungry? Sven and I have been working on our culinary skills lately and I think we’re getting pretty good, right dear?” Olaf says.

“Uh, yeah! I mean, I don’t wanna brag, but my carrot stew is pretty tasty,” says Sven.

Anna was deep in thought, and she looks completely confused by their offer of stew. I blink and frown and shake my head just barely an inch, and she still looks confused. I have no way of knowing whether that carrot's been up Olaf's ass. I'm sorry, that's wrong, but it honestly isn't that hard to believe that they'd accidentally use the sex carrot for his stew.

“Hey, I was thinking about going to the pub, actually. I kind of feel like shooting some darts. You wanna come?” I ask Anna.

“But our stew…?” asks Sven, seemingly hurt.

Anna doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t want to go to the pub with me, she doesn’t want the stew, Kris just started strumming so he and Elsa were going to be in there for probably a couple of hours.

“Well, I’m gonna go. Come or don’t. Up to you.”

I really don’t think she’s going to follow, but then she comes up behind me and says, “This doesn’t mean I forgive you.”

I can’t help but smile at that. She’s halfway there.

*****

~ Elsa ~

“If she knew she definitely wouldn’t be asking him to do Irish car bombs with her. She loves him so much. She’d never do anything to hurt him.”

I can’t believe I watched her do Irish car bombs with him. I should have told her. If I told her none of this would have happened because she would have told him he had to stop.

I should have said something. I should have been honest. It’s my fault he almost died. How could I have done this to Kris?

I cover my face with my hands. I’m not sure who I’m hiding from, but I just feel so ashamed by my dishonesty.

“No, I should tell her. She’s my sister.”

Why didn’t I just f*cking tell her? She’s my sister, and she’s been taking care of me for a long time, well, except when she got married to that asshole. Thank god that’s done. But I f*cking knew Kris would break her heart.

“Well, maybe we can just see how he is after today. Maybe he’ll stay sober.”

But it’s not his fault, entirely. He is mentally ill. He can’t help that he has an addiction, just like I can’t help that I have OCD.

“No, I should tell her. She’s my sister.”

Why didn’t I just tell her? I should have told her. I can’t believe I lied to her about something this huge. Maybe he would have listened to her and done something about it.

No. She wouldn’t have believed me. And it wasn’t my responsibility to tell her.

But what if he died? What if he died and Anna could have saved him but she didn’t because I didn’t tell her?

Ok, that’s definitely my OCD. Deep breath. Settle.

“Ok, that settles it. We do nothing until after the tour’s over. Unless there’s a reason to say something.”

“God f*cking damn it!!! Leave me alone!!!” That was out loud… I hope no one heard that. What if they think I’m really crazy? No, they love me and they understand. They understand it’s a process and I’m working through it.

“Maybe we can just see how he is after today…”

Maybe we could just wait and see if he almost dies!

Ugh!! Why won’t you just get out of my f*cking head?!!?!

“Elsa, you should at least come with us again. Having you there seems to help.”

I should have been there for him, like he was there for me. I didn’t do enough to help him. Of all of us, I probably know more of what he’s going through. I mean, it’s different, but it’s also not. I don’t really have to do my compulsions, but he doesn’t really have to drink. But we’re also not in control.

“I know it’s not on me to make sure he’s sober.”

It’s not, Elsa. It’s not on you. It 100% not on you.

But what if I helped him and he didn’t fall off the stage? If I had done more, maybe he wouldn’t have ended up in a coma.

“I know he can do it, and it’s not gonna come from anything I do or don’t do. Or anyone else. It’s not gonna come from Anna either. It’s something he needs to do for himself. He’s the only one that can save himself. It'll be so much easier with all of our support, but ultimately, it's on him.”

But I should have told Anna, though. I can’t believe I lied to her like that.

What if Anna could have helped h-

Knock, knock, knock.

“Hey, Elsa? It’s Kris. Can I come in?”

Kris? What is he doing here? I assumed he and Anna would be back in Arendelle by now. I didn’t think they’d ever want to talk to us ever again.

“Elsa?”

“Hold on!” It’s a mess in here. It’s so embarrassing. And I haven’t showered in several days. That would mean taking off my gloves and that just isn’t an option right now. I tried the plastic gloves and the rubber gloves, but they just get water inside and it’s uncomfortable.

I’ll just put some new underwear on and a new shirt. God, I’ve turned into Anna.

Finally, I open the door.

Kris' hugs are medicinal. After two seconds I melt into him and it’s like all the pain disappears. I finally let out the tears my brain had been waiting for and I wrap my arms around his upper back.

He kisses my cheek as he pulls away and places his hands on my cheeks to catch the tears.

“So…” He holds up two guitars, and asks, “Feel like a duet? I’m a little rusty. You know, it’s been a couple weeks since I’ve played. But I’ll try to keep up,” he says with a wink.

That’s the wink that got Anna hooked, and it makes me smile. He just has a way of making people happy. I let him in and he tunes up. Obviously it’s not going to be a guitar duet since I can’t play with gloves on. But I can sing with him.

“So, um, thanks for your note. It kind of made my day. Well, you know, after waking up from a coma and getting engaged to Anna.”

“What? That’s amazing!” I wish I could have heard that from Anna, but I really can’t be happier for them. For a second.

Then my excitement fades to concern. “But you know, don’t do anything to break her heart, ok?”

He frowns. “Believe me, that’s the last thing I want to do. You know how much I love her.”

“I do, but… sometimes we don’t mean to hurt people, but we do it anyway.”

What if I hurt Honeymaren with my OCD?

Am - C - D - Am - C - D

I see where he’s going with this.

“I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel ,” he sings…“ ... I remember everything .”

He stops for a second to instruct, “Am - F - C - G.” He’d make a really good teacher.

“What have I become, my sweetest friend ?” I join in, my voice a little crackly.

By the time we get to, “But you can have it all, my empire of dirt,” I’m invested and singing to the best of my ability.

But he slows it down for, “I will let you down, I will make you hurt,” and his fingers scrape along the strings.

“Kris, you can’t keep doing this. You can’t keep hurting yourself like this. Or Anna.”

He sighs. “I know. It’s gonna be different this time. I feel like I beat the devil at his own game. I can do this, Elsa. I'm going to do this. I'm gonna get it right this time."

It's what I want to hear from him. But doing it is so much harder.

If I had told Anna, this wouldn't have happened and he'd have everything under control.

“Kris, I’m sorry I didn’t say anything to Anna. I’m sorry I didn’t do more to help you.”

“Elsa,” he stops, on another serious note. “It’s not your fault that I ended up in a coma. It’s my fault.”

“Maybe we can just see how he is after today…”

“But I knew you had a problem, and I didn’t say anything to Anna. She would have helped you if she knew.”

“Hey, it’s not your fault.”

But what if he died?

“And I’m fine. I’m here. And I’m fine. And wouldn’t have wanted you to tell Anna anyway.”

But I should have told her. She’s my sister.

“You didn’t owe it to Anna to tell her. You didn’t do anything wrong, Elsa. You didn’t.”

What if he’s just saying that.

“Thanks, but I know you’re just saying that.”

“Have I ever lied to you? Ever?”

That's just something people just say so you'll believe them.

“No, I don’t think so.”

“I know you trust me. I walked with you to that ledge, where you didn’t fall over.

That’s true. Of course that's right. I do trust Kris.

“And I promise, I’m not lying to you now, ok?”

I want to ask him if he's lying again, but I know that won't make me feel better. He's gonna keep giving me the same answer and the more I ask the harder it's gonna be to break the cycle.

“Ok?”

I know he can see the doubt on my face, and I feel horrible about that.

“Trust me.”

Then he holds my right hand, holds on to my wrist and slowly pulls my glove off. I panic, but he looks at me calmly, with so much patience, and he reminds me of my dad again. He leads it to the second guitar he brought. And places it on my lap. Then he does the same with the other hand.

Deep breath. Ok, now it’s my turn. I’ll just skip to the chorus.

"Any man of mine better walk the line,
Better show me a teasin', squeezin', pleasin', kinda time,
I need a man who knows how the story goes

Then he counters with, “For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide, Because your mine, I walk the line. ”

Who would have thought a Johnny Cash/Shania Twain mashup would work so well? Of course he changed the key so it would match, but it's so much fun playing together!

“You know," he says as he slaps the strings, "I already think of you as my sister.”

Now I smile. I’m starting to think of him as a brother, too.

He moves his hand up the guitar neck again and surprises me with some Stevie Ray Vaughan.

“Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey mama look at little sis, out in the backyard, playin' like this…”

I love him so much.

*****

~ Anna ~

Well, this is awkward.

Kris wanted to see Elsa, though. So of course I went with him. He’s forgiven everyone already, or maybe he didn’t think they did anything wrong. But that doesn’t mean I had to forgive them. But it’ll be really hard on Kris if I don’t just make an effort to get along, for his sake at least.

It’s hard to stay mad at Sven and Olaf, though. They’re both so cute, and Sven just doesn’t have all his brain cells anyway, and he doesn’t always even understand what he does wrong. I thought Olaf was my best friend, though. Clearly I was wrong.

And I definitely don’t want the carrot stew they’re offering to make. HM shakes her head, I’m sure she’s had it. We all know how much they like carrots... What if their sex carrot ends up in the stew?

I can hear Kris and Elsa singing “Hurt” together. It’s like a f*cking guilt trip so I run after HM.

“It doesn’t mean I forgive you either.”

“Excuse me? What did I do?”

“Elsa.”

Sigh. She’s f*cking right.

We both get root beers and fries and commandeer the dart boards.

“You didn’t get whiskey?” HM asks. She already knows the f*cking answer. The same god damn reason she got root beer.

“If Kris isn’t drinking, I’m not gonna drink either.” She turns to me as soon as she lets go of her dart.

“That’s really f*cking cool of you, Anna.”

f*ck. Next thing I know she’s the only thing keeping me from falling on the floor.

“Hey, Anna, what’s going on?”

She’s the last person I want to talk to, but she’s the only one here.

I tell her about the break-up, and how I should have known he had a problem, how I could have done something to help.

“First of all, you can’t fix his problems for him, especially not this one. Second, he didn’t want you to know. He hid it from you. He tried to hide it from us, but you know, the van’s not that big and he just doesn’t play as well when he’s trashed. Third, I would have dumped his ass too if he talked to me like that.”

“But I overreacted. And I knew it came from a place of hurt and insecurity. And I knew how long he sat in the hallway outside my door, and I was just such a f*cking bitch.”

HM sighs. That’s a f*cking loaded sigh. I can trust her not to bullsh*t, at least. “Anna, a word of advice. You’re temper is out of control, and I think you can see there’s a pattern. You need to do something about it before anyone else gets hurt.”

How dare she?

“Look, I know, you don’t want to hear this from me. So before I go on, let me just say that I’m sorry we didn’t tell you about Kris. That was wrong, and we all feel bad about it, especially Elsa.”

Yeah… I’m a c*nt.

“But the way you talked to us, that was not ok and it wasn’t normal. You’re holding on to so much anger, and you owe it to yourself and Kris, before you start a life together, to figure out where it’s coming from and deal with it.”

I am really angry. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. Probably because of Hans. That f*cking dickwad bastard f*ck clown asshatt mother f*cking sh*t stain... Ok, maybe she has a point.

“I know you don’t want to hear it, but someone has to say it and you know I’m the only one that will.”

She’s right about that.

“What happens the next time Kris says something to piss you off? We both know it's only a matter of time. Are you gonna have a conversation with him and talk about your feelings, or are you gonna let him sleep in the hallway again? What happens the next time your ex-husband pisses you off?”

That’s kind of a non-issue now… She sees my expression and her eyebrow raises for more information.

“I quit.”

Now she raises it even higher.

“That f*cking asshole told me he wouldn’t get a sub and I had to be at the downbeat. My boyfriend was in a coma, and he wants me to play Mozart’s Overture to the Magic Flute ?”

Oh, that’s funny, because I did actually end up playing that…

“So, anyway, I might have mentioned a few of the things I wish I had said to him before we got divorced… and some of his personality defects that needed work. And also some comments on his anatomy that wasn’t exactly flatteringr... per se. And also, um, about his performance, which is, um, selfish...”

Ok, I don’t regret anything I said to Hans, but maybe it wasn't the smartest thing to do considering he was my boss. I can definitely see where HM is going with this, but there's no f*cking way I’m telling her she’s right.

There’s that eyebrow again.

“Fine, I got fired. Ok!” I want to ask her not to tell Kris, but I think we’ve all learned our lesson about keeping secrets from the people we care about. I haven’t told him yet because I don’t want him to feel guilty about it.

“What the f*ck, HM?” She’s actually laughing at me.

“Are you sh*tting me right now with this, Anna? You don’t even want to play in a f*cking orchestra, especially one conducted by your ex-douchebag! And anyway, you don’t belong in an orchestra. You don’t fit the mold, and that’s a good thing. You’re too f*cking creative for that sh*t. This is a blessing in disguise.”

“But now Kris and I both don’t have jobs.”

“Kris has so much money saved up he probably doesn’t even know how much it is. And you’re both f*cking talented. Are you seriously telling me you can’t find a paying gig? Please.”

I hold my head in my hands and bang my elbows on the table. “What am I gonna do? I’m such a f*cking mess!”

“Hey,” she says as she moves my hands away from my face. “You’re gonna be fine. Kris is gonna be fine. And I’m taking care of Elsa now, so she’s gonna be fine, too. But you know, maybe get yourself a therapist, though?”

Ugh…

“I know. But just try it. Maybe you’ll find out why you’re so mad. And maybe you’ll feel better. You and Kris deserve to be happy.”

I don’t f*cking want to, but I love HM so much.

Chapter 31: Dark Circles

Chapter Text

~ Kris ~

Anna’s so cute. She’s curled into a ball on the front seat. She snoring and drooling. My future wife: the picture of Sophisticated Grace! I feel like I won the universe or something. Must be the rock’n’roll gods or something. Only they would bless a guy like me.

We don’t have too much farther to go. Only three hours between Arendelle and North Mountain. I’m just so glad Anna made up with everyone, because now it’s gonna be so easy to stay in touch. I was really going to miss everyone, but now I don’t have to. I didn’t want to tell Anna, though I’m pretty sure she knew anyway, but it would have killed me just a little if she hadn’t. I don’t know if she did it for my sake, or if she really felt that way, because she really would do anything for me. Somehow she always seems to know what I need.

I really have to turn my life around. Seriously. No more drinking at all. This is already more than I deserve, so I am not going to f*ck it up. For whatever reason, she really f*cking loves me. Like so much. I mean, she pulled me out of my coma with a f*cking blow j*b. How was I not going to finally quit the band, marry her, and move to Arendelle? Though, to be fair, just feeling her there with me, knowing she wanted me, that would have been enough. If she hadn’t been there, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have woken up at all. What would have been the point?

Anna must be so exhausted. I really don’t think she slept at all when I was in that coma. I’m pretty sure she’s not wearing makeup, but she still looks kinda like a raccoon. Yup, those are dark circles under her eyes, and they’re still a little puffy and red from crying, even though it’s been four days since I woke up. Ok, I’ll just get her into bed and then go back for our stuff. I can’t believe I actually bought a car, but I also can’t believe I didn’t buy one before now. I know Anna gets by without it, but it’ll just be so much easier this way, like when we go to North Mountain, or to see my parents. Am I ready for Anna to meet my family, though? Wait, what am I thinking? She woke me out of my coma with a f*cking blow j*b. Of course I’m going to take her to meet my parents. Maybe I won’t actually tell them about that, though… Even though my granddad would really get a kick out of it. Nope! That one’s going to my grave. Which hopefully is a long ways away.

I’m gonna write a song about it. No, Anna would kill me. Maybe a song just for her… Ok, really starting to see why I get on HM’s nerves so much.

The point is that I am not going to let her down. Anna deserves a lot more, but all she ever asks for are two things: 1. being there when she wakes up; and 2. not drinking myself into a coma. Which basically means no drinking. Cause that could lead to both. And also Anna either not marrying me or divorcing me. Whatever, I just can’t drink ever again pretty much. That’s what the drug and alcohol abuse counselor said. But if I’m with Anna I won’t need to drink anyway. According to the counselor, I’m not actually an alcoholic, but I have an alcohol dependence problem. It’s not the same thing, and that means I’m not like my dad. Of course she also said that dependence can lead to an addiction if left unchecked. She said I should join AA and all that. But if I’m gonna be with Anna I don’t really see the point of that. I never drink when I’m around her, unless she’s drinking, but she told me she was giving up alcohol with me.

Look at her curled up. She’s some kind of angel or something. She gives me so much and she asks for so little. Of course not drinking is an easy sacrifice, especially since we’re never going to be apart anymore. I’m not even going to be tempted.

* ~ * ~ *

“Ok, Anna, I’ll be right back. Just gotta get the bags.”

I pull the covers over her. Our covers. On our bed. That feels f*cking awesome to say. I never thought the word “our” could be so exciting.

“No!” She grabs the back of my thighs and tries to pull me forward.

She screeches, not in a good way. I tried so hard not to squash her.

“Anna, I’m sorry, but I gotta go get the stuff out of the car. I’ll be right back.”

“No, now!”

I’ve gotten off of her but she pulls me down by my t-shirt to kiss her.

“Stuff can wait.” After another aggressive kiss, “I can’t.”

I definitely can’t wait either.

Suddenly awake, sort of, she deftly undoes my belt and pants and pulls everything down in one fell swoop. The cold takes its toll, but her hands make up for it.

“What do you want?” barely makes it out of my mouth.

“Whatever you want. I just want you.”

Ok, that’s not like her at all. I know.

“Well, I want you to be naked.”

She stands on the bed and takes everything off while I balance her.

f*ck, have I missed her giant nipples. After slobbering all over them, because they’re fantastic and I can’t get enough and… that’s not the most important thing right now, though I’ve already gotten her to moan.

I turn her around and press my body against her back. This feels so good. I love having her against me like that. I move her hair and kiss her neck and shoulders her upper back. I can’t see her freckles in the pale light from the light pole, but I know they’re there. Then I rub her a little from the front.

“Anna, hold on a sec. I’ll be right back.”

I dip my finger just once and she gasps. She falls over and keeps going. Exactly where I want her. The sound of her sloshing liquid and gentle purrs makes it so easy for me to pull the condom on, but so hard to stop touching myself long enough to do it. She doesn’t need lube, but she’s gonna get it.

f*ck, look at that ass. Her boobs may be tiny, but damn her ass makes up for it. I really haven’t ever given it as much attention as it deserves. I lightly slap it a few times, and she likes it.

She looks back at me, “Kris, what the f*ck is taking you so long? What do you want, like a red carpet?”

“Sorry, just never seen your ass from this angle, and I’ve really been missing out.”

“Well, you can stare at it while you f*ck me!”

Fair enough. I take over for her hand instead.

“f*cking eh, Kris, you’re gonna make me come like that!”

I pull my hand away and grab her boobs instead.

“Now, Kris! You’re f*cking torturing me!”

She’s f*cking sweaty, like so sweaty. No amount of alcohol is better than my fiancee’s scream as I do what she says. I can still hold onto her nipple and rub her cl*t as she gives me everything I need, too. I have never heard her scream like that before, though. Holy f*cking sh*t…

She goes completely limp in my arms just as I let loose.

I flop next to her on the bed and I black out for a few seconds and turn my head to her. I can barely see her but she’s looking at me, too, breathing heavily and speechless.

"That's my new favorite position," she says with a huge grin.

I kiss her forehead before I leave to clean up but she wraps her limbs around me.

“I have to go, Anna. I’ll be right back. Promise.”

She has no strength to fight back so I’ll just be as quick as I can. I still can’t believe she’s actually going to marry me.

“Hey, Anna-”

She’s snoring again. So cute. I tuck her in and grab the stuff from the car.

* ~ * ~ *

I don’t really know how to cook. And Anna doesn’t really have a lot of stuff in the fridge. Hmmm. What can I make, what can I make. Oh! Eggs!

Ok… so I’ve seen my mom make eggs before, but I’ve never... Maybe I’ll just give her a call…

“Oh, hey, sugar! What’s going on? Not that I’m not happy to hear from you, but you don’t usually call so early.”

“Hey, Mom. Uhhh..”

sh*t, she doesn’t even know about the coma. No one has met her or has her number, and my phone was smashed. Had to get a new one before we left North Mountain. I only have seven numbers saved, the only seven people I’ve talked to since I woke up. Thankfully I’ve got hers memorized and my brain decided to keep that info. I still don’t even know what I’m missing, aside from that last argument with Anna and everything up to the coma.

I’m gonna tell her. Later. When Anna comes with me.

“So, I was actually gonna make some eggs, and I’ve seen you do it, but I don’t remember, so I was hoping you could tell me.”

“Oh-ho-ho! You met a girl, didn’t you? 43 years old, never had a need to make eggs before, now all of a sudden you call me at the butt crack of dawn wanting to know how to make eggs for your girlfriend!”

sh*t. How does she always do that?

“Fine. Yeah, her name is Anna and we’re getting married and I quit the band and I live in Arendelle now.”

sh*t f*ck sh*t. Don’t you f*cking tell her about the coma. Don’t do it! So not the time.

“Oh-ho! sh*t, that’s a lot to unpack, son! But I’m so excited! I’m so proud of you! I couldn’t be more proud if you were suddenly declared king! Wait til I tell your granddad! He’s gonna be over the moon!”

I can’t help but chuckle at that. She’s right. But also she’s so f*cking happy for me. I seriously am about to cry. I mean, I’m so happy for me, but to hear her be so excited… It just makes it so real to tell her.

“Ok, enough of that. Don’t want to keep Miss Anna waiting…”

The eggs look pretty good…

“Oh, Kris! Did you make breakfast?”

“Yes, I did.” I'm pretty proud of myself. I'm definitely not going to tell her I had to call my mom for instructions.

“Thank you! That’s so sweet!”

She swans in to the kitchen to give me a kiss. “No, just go sit, I’ll bring these.”

She grabs my shirt and pulls me down for one more kiss. Sigh.

What is she wearing… oh my f*cking god. She’s wearing that skirt. And a Reindeer Herders tank that’s so low cut she’s almost popping out.

Suddenly, not hungry at all.

She sees how I’m looking at her and she bites her finger. Then she hops onto the table and crosses her legs.

That’s a hard swallow.

Everything is somewhat wobbly since last night, except my dick, which is so hard it’s in pain from my pants.

She lets me feel her legs a little and then she opens wide… No underwear…

In between kisses she moans from my touch. I breathe on to her neck and ask, “fingers or tongue?”

She grabs my hand that isn’t busy and sucks on my fingers as she moves her pelvis down so my finger can do what she wants.

“You’re tongue’s going to be busy,” she says softly. I do my best to time everything together until she arches her back and leans back into ecstasy. That’s when I slide the ring onto her finger.

I planned to give it to her in a more romantic way, but who am I kidding? That’s not us.

She holds it up and examines it. Elsa actually went with me to pick it out when Anna and HM were at the bar. It really took a lot for her to go, but she was feeling better after our jam session and she really wanted to help.

She smiles shyly when she sees the small gold claddagh ring, like she did when I proposed. Then she surprises me with, “I can’t believe I get to marry you. I’m so lucky.”

She's definitely got that backwards. “I guess you like the ring?”

“It’s perfect! I love it so much! And I love you so much, and I’m so happy with you, and that’s not even talking about the sex, because I think we can both agree that it’s out of this world. Ahhh I just can’t wait to be with you forever.”

“Yeah,” I chuckle. "It's pretty unreal."

I just can't shake the feeling that it's all too good to be true. I ignore it as much as possible, but it's at the back of my mind.

* ~ * ~ *

“So you and Anna getting married, eh?” asks Finn.

“Yeah. Yup. Tying the knot and all that.”

“Well that’s f*cking brilliant, mate! Cheers to you!”

“Yeah, so I’m gonna be hanging around Arendelle for the foreseeable future. You, um, ever need a guitarist for some session work?”

“Eh, to be honest with you, we have too many.”

“Yeah, I get it. That’s cool. Do you know of any other gigs? Teaching? Pick-up stuff?”

“Sorry, but I don’t, mate, but I’ll keep a look-out for ya.”

sh*t. I knew this wasn’t going to pan out.

“Maybe Matt has a connection?”

Matt does seem to know a lot of people. He’d definitely help me out if he could.

“Yeah, maybe. I’ll check with him. Hey, thanks anyway, though.”

“You wanna hang out for a little? My next session doesn’t start for like 45 minutes.”

“Sure. So, what’s new with you?”

“Me?” he sighs. “I’m going out of my f*cking mind.”

“Girl troubles?”

He sighs and rubs his face. “I need a drink for this one. You want?” he asks as he starts pouring.

He doesn’t know about my coma, obviously. Anna calling my name during doggy style…

“No, thanks, I’m good, man.”

“No? It’s the good stuff.” Doggy style...

“No, I’m cool. Thanks, man.”

“Suit yourself!” He takes a long sip. I can smell it from over here. Anna spitting my cum out…

“Do you have like a co*ke or something?”

“Uh, yeah, here.” He gets one from the mini-fridge under his desk.

The sound of the popped tab, and the sound of Anna rubbing herself, that’s enough. I don’t need anything else in it.

“So what’s going on?”

“It’s Kyra, man, she’s driving me mad. I just don’t know how much more I can take.”

I chuckle.

“It’s not f*cking funny! Here I am being miserable because your fiancee, who is like 10 years younger than you, told me to stay away from the woman I love cause she’s only a couple years younger than me! f*ck!”

Ok, hiding my laughter some more… Ok. Ready to talk. “First of all, Anna’s right and you know she is. Second, aren’t there any other girls you can hook up with? Third, do you really love her? You don’t even know her. Fourth, does she love you? Doesn't she have a boyfriend?”

He finishes his drink and pours another. He holds out the bottle to me. It would make my co*ke taste so much better… Anna’s face when she saw the ring…

I pull out my phone and pretend to look at the time. “You know, I actually gotta go. I told Anna I’d help her with… something. Later, man!”

f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck!!!

I sit on a park bench on the way back to Anna’s place. What the f*ck is wrong with me? What did Yelena tell me?

“Kris, you gotta start taking care of yourself. See what happens to rockers that keep living like they’re in their 20s? You don’t wanna be that guy.”

“I’ve seen you get on that stage wasted before. Like so many times.”

She sighs. “That’s true. I’ve f*cked up a lot in my life. But I’m in my 60s, still touring, cause it’s too late for me. What else would I do? And I f*cked all my relationships for this lifestyle. And what do I have to show for it? Haven’t made a single studio album in 15 years, and I play the exact same set every single time. It’s a god damn f*cking circus. That’s why I’m always high. This is what I signed up for. But you’re young. You have a chance at real happiness. You got someone that loves you, do anything for you. Do you know how f*cking rare that is? Look, you do what you want, but my advice. Make some changes. Be the man that does anything for her.”

“Yeah. I mean, you’re right. I need to stop because of her. It’ll ruin everything.”

“But here’s some more advice. Don’t quit for her. Do it for yourself. If you do it for her, doesn’t matter how hard you try, it’s not going to work.”

Yelena’s right. I’m willing to do it for Anna, but I haven’t been willing to do it for myself. She’s the only reason I stay sober. Except when I’m away from her, and then I binge drink because I can’t bear to be away from her.

* ~ * ~ *

“Hey, Kris! Guess what? Look what I got for Ireland!”

It’s hard not to smile at her cute green rain jacket with tiny black polka dots. And she’s wearing these super sexy black boots up to her knee, and it’s quite possible that she doesn’t have anything on under that jacket. As if that wasn’t enough to make me smile, she runs into the table where I made her come that morning.

The picture of sophisticated grace. What a great way to remember her.

“Kris? What’s wrong?” Normally that would have had me on the floor laughing, and she’d lay down with me, and we’d laugh together. But I just can’t laugh right now.

“I can’t go to Ireland with you. I’m so sorry, but I just can’t.” I sit on the couch and bury my face in my hands.

“What do you mean? We already have tickets, and you’re enrolled in the program, and I thought you didn’t want to be away from me anymore?”

“I know.” I hold her hand. The one with the ring on it. “Today I went to talk to Finn about getting some work. And he opened a bottle of Red Breast, and…”

“Did you have any?”

“No. But I realized that the only reason that I didn’t was because of you. I kept thinking about you every time I was tempted, and then I didn’t drink.”

“Well, isn’t that good?” she asks. She’s in tears, but she’s trying to hide it. I did that. I f*cking made her cry.

“It is, but it’s not gonna work in the long run. It has to come from me. I mean, what if we get in a fight? Or we have to spend the night away from each other or something? I’m not strong enough to handle it, Anna.”

“So, what are you saying?”

“I need to take a break. To get a handle on this.”

“Well, how long?” Now she’s crying even more.

“I don’t know. But I definitely can’t go to Ireland with you. I’m… I’m so sorry Anna. I’m so so sorry.”

She cries into my chest.

“If you don’t… if you don’t want to wait for me, I understand. You know, no hard feelings.”

“Are you breaking up with me?”

“No, I’m not. I don’t want to. But I don’t know how long this is going to take. It could take more than a year. And I don’t want you to feel obligated to wait for me if you want to move on with your life.”

“Kris!!!” I know there’s snot all over my shirt. I pull her away so I can look at her.

“Anna, I love you so much. I’ve never loved anyone so much before. And you deserve to be with someone that doesn’t make you the answer to his problems. That’s not fair, and it’s not going to work in the long run.”

“So, we can like talk on the phone and stuff? You can send me your morning selfies again?”

“No." Stay strong. This is the first test. "For this to work, I need to be completely on my own. I need to know I can handle it before I can trust myself to be with you.”

“But I trust you! Doesn’t that mean anything?”

“Anna,” I’m really in tears now, “You have no idea how much that means to me. I love you so much, and I want to be with you forever if I could, but I just need to do this, ok?”

“But you’ll come back to me when you’re ready?”

I touch just around her eyes. The raccoon circles are still there. I can’t believe I put her through so much, only to just leave her again.

“If you wait for me, I’ll come back. But if you don’t want to wait, I’ll just have to accept that. I know you’ve done so much waiting. For Hans, for me, and it isn’t fair for me to ask it of you.” I can't believe I'm doing this to her.

“Kris,” she holds my face so I have to look at her. “I've been through a long distance relationship with you, I've watched you come out of a coma, and I survived. So yeah, I’m waiting for you. I believe in you, and I know you can do this. I’m so proud of you. Just… do what you have to do and come back to me, yeah?”

I embrace her for what might be the last time ever. “Ok. Yeah,” I shake my head, hoping she’s right.

Chapter 32: Walkin' Away Home

Chapter Text

~ Anna ~

“Are you ready?” Kyra asks as I pull my suitcase into the hallway. I take one more look around the apartment. I see fleeting images of Kris everywhere. That’s where I burped into his mouth and he f*cked me anyway. That’s where he ripped my fishnets. That’s where he was the biggest gentleman of all time when he asked me to choose between his tongue and his fingers, and then slipped a ring on my finger after he made me come so hard. And… getting emotional now… and that’s where he sat and asked me what we could do to help Elsa. And that’s where he sat on the couch that day he came to Arendelle a day early and joined in the session. And that’s where we watched Titanic . And that’s where he broke my heart. On the couch right there.

“Anna?”

“Yeah, sorry. I’m good,” I say as I wipe my tears. “Yeah, sorry. It’s just, you know.”

“Yeah, I know. But he’d want you to keep going. And we’ve been looking forward to this for months, right? Maybe what you need is a change of scenery.”

Sean drops us off and we go through security and walk to our gate. I feel horrible that this is supposed to be such a fun experience for Kyra. She’s been so excited about it. I’ve been so excited about it. But I never once imagined going without Kris. I wouldn’t have even agreed to go unless he wanted to come, too. This is just… well it’s not f*cking happening is it? It’s some kind of dream, and I’m gonna wake up in the morning with Kris next to me, then helping me shove the last bit of stuff into my suitcase and zipping it up for me while I sit on it.

I adjust my fiddle on my back and the strap pinches my finger. No, it’s my ring. I’ve only had it for two weeks, and I'm not quite used to it yet. I just have to learn how to deal with the pinches and how the heart sometimes jabs into my knuckle because I'm never taking this ring off. Every time I feel it I think of Kris.

“Anna! Mmmmm hi!!!”

“Olaf? What are you doing here? Where’s Sven?”

“Oh, long story. We kind of broke up. No big deal…”

“Yes, big deal! What happened?”

“Doesn’t matter, but we will talk about this later.” His eyes are wide and he knocks his forehead against mine.

“Anyway, what are you doing here? Where are you going?”

“I’m going to Ireland with you, silly!”

That actually makes me really f*cking happy. I know I was mad at him, but now I’m just happy to have my friend.

“Yeah, Kris called and asked if I wanted to go. He didn’t say why he couldn’t go, just that he’d feel better about you going if you had me with you.”

Holy f*cking sh*t. I can’t break down in the middle of the airport. I can’t. But yes, I’m going to.

“Hey, Anna, it’s ok. We’ve got you. Whatever this is, we’re not letting you go through it alone, K?”

I love Olaf so much.

“I’m sorry, Kyra. I don’t think I’m going to be much fun.”

“Oh, don’t worry about me! I’ve been there before, remember? I’ll take you to all the best pubs. Plus Finn has all those connections.”

I nod. I can’t believe she’s only 16. And I can’t believe that less than a year ago she screamed because of how starstruck she was when she met Kris. It feels good that she believes in him as much as I do. Of course, as far as she knows, he's taking care of his sick grandfather. I mean, it's kind of true. Kris' grandfather is really old and he's got a bad heart. I'm glad he's going to be able to spend all this time with him.

"We're just three peas in a pod! Brrrr!" Olaf takes my hand and I reach for Kyras, and we stay linked until we get to the gate. I can’t imagine two people I’d rather be going on this trip with if I can’t have Kris.

*****

“Anna, do you want something to drink?”

“Uh, I’ll have a ginger ale, I guess.”

“Ginger ale? You sure you don’t want something harder?”

“I promised Kris I wouldn’t drink anymore.” I go back to paying attention to the music. But I can barely even do that. It’s like the music goes all around me, but never through me. Like it’s just right there and I’m watching it go by.

“But Kris isn’t here. And you’re miserable.”

“I said I don’t want anything!” Kris is coming back and I made a promise to him that we were in it together, and he didn’t have to do this alone. How could I look him in the eye and tell him that I didn’t hold up my end?

“Jeez! Ok!” I cringe. I did not mean to bite off Olaf’s head like that. He was just trying to be nice.

I twist my ring around on my finger, something I’ve been doing a lot lately. It’s as though I know Kris is coming back as long as it’s on my finger, and touching it like that just makes him feel a little closer.

“I’m sorry, Olaf,” I say as he brings my drink. I get up and hug him. “Thank you so much for being here.”

His hands are so bony like tree branches, especially for someone so chubby, but they’re such a comfort.

Then Kyra joins in. “We’re up next, Anna. Better get your fiddle out!”

“Oh, right!” I wink at her and get it together. We’ve officially made the switch to calling my violin my fiddle. I just won’t tell anyone at the opera that’s what I call it now.

I open the small compartment to get my rosin, and I forgot that Kris’ guitar pick was wedged in there. I hold it to my lips, eyes closed, I say a silent prayer to whoever that he’s doing ok and doing the next right thing, whatever that means for him, and that he comes back to me. I know he doesn’t think so, but he’s so strong. He already gave death the finger once by waking up from a coma, and he can do this, too.

Kyra’s walking fast in place, warming up. I’m supposed to be here for Kyra, so I need to stop wallowing in my own self-pity that I have an amazing fiance that cares about me so much that he takes a step away to work on himself. I don’t even know why I’m sad. It probably won’t even take him that long to get clear-headed.

“Ok, come on! We’re up! Eeeeh!!” She's so cute and excited.

I wedge into the circle and Kyra stands right behind me.

“Denis Murphy's Polka, 42 pound Check, John Ryan's Polka?”

“Yup! We’re ready!” Thank goodness I know these tunes, "John Ryan's Polka" is one of the tunes used in Titanic. It reminds me of Kris, of course. I remember watching this scene with Kris, and I let the thought distract me for a moment. But then I lose myself in the music. Kyra’s here, dancing behind me, so I want to stay present. It’s so cool to be here with her. Plus, actually getting to play in this session is one of the coolest things I’ve ever done in my life. I want to hold on to every detail so I can tell Kris whenever I see him.

Afterwards, we chat with some of the regular musicians, and they’re all wondering why I won’t have a pint with them. God, it’s so awkward.

“I’m sorry, I just don’t drink.”

“Ah, sure ya do! Let’s get her a pint!”

“No, thank you. I really don’t. I’m sorry. Can you get me a co*ke?” I ask the bartender. Then the accordion player starts singing:

I'll gang to the alehoose and look for my Johnny
The day is far spent and the night's comin' on
You're sittin' there drinkin' and leave me lamentin'
So rise up, my Johnny and come awa' hame

“God that’s f*cking on the nose, isn’t it?” I say mostly to myself. Olaf looks at me curiously. “Farewell to Whiskey,” I whisper, a bit louder.

“Yuh-huh, but what’s the song called?”

Kyra and I giggle. “Just listen.”

Fareweel to the whisky that mak's me so brisky
Fareweel to the alehoose I'll visit nae mair
Sin Jeannie is waitin', her pair hairt is breakin'
So fare thee well, alehoose, and I'll awa' hame

By the end of the song the whole pub’s singing along, and it feels like they’re all telling me that Kris is gonna come back to me.

Then we sit down with the musicians and talk some more. I tell them all about our session, and how we did the show for St. Patty’s Day and how we’re gonna try to line up some more gigs, just cause we love playing Irish music together.

“You got yourself a man back home?” an older man that was playing the tin pipe asks. He points at my ring when I look confused.

“Oh, yeah, my fiance. He was supposed to come but he had to stay home for family stuff.”

“He’s a guitarist,” Kyra chimes in enthusiastically. “A really good guitarist.”

"That right? He plays with you?"

I can't even answer before Kyra does. "Yeah, they're so good together. You just know they're soul mates when they're playing together. Like, they're meant to play together."

"That so?" the man looks at me.

I blush, and answer, "We're meant for each other. I've never enjoyed playing with anyone as much as him."

“Well, now that's sayin' somehting! I'll try not to be offended!"

The other musicians erupted with laughter. I didn't even think how that would come out. I was just telling the truth.

"What about you? You have a man back home?” an old woman that was playing the accordion asks Kyra.

“Me?” she asks. “Oh, um, yeah, I guess so.” I hadn’t even thought to ask her about Dax for a while, but it sounds like there’s trouble in paradise there. Not that I’m complaining. But I don’t want Kyra to get hurt. Maybe she’ll just kick him to the curb. That's where he belongs.

“He is or he isn’t your man, dear?”

“Not for long.”

“Girl like you, you’ll find someone new before you know it." The woman pats her hand when she says it.

“And what about you lad? You got someone back home?” the bodhran player asked.

“Well, see now that’s complicated...” He luanches into the whole story about how he pined for Sven, then they got together, and the carrot, then how much he loves him, then how they broke up… I need more on that later. I’m sure they got sick of hearing about it, and the piper gave the intro to “Fields of Athenry” and everyone in the pub joined in.

Kyra and I sing along while Olaf beat his sticks on the table. “I’ll tell you later,” I say to Olaf between verses. I know he's gonna ask about it later.

We walk back to our apartment in silence, until I put my arms around their necks and announce, “It’s official. We’re the Salty Lady’s Broken Hearts Club Band.”

They laugh and hug me back.

“I think this calls for…” I pause so we can say it together.

“Chocolate!!!” But all the shops are closed.

“It’s after 18:00. Pretty much everything shuts down except the pubs,” Kyra reminds me.

“That’s ok! I brought a stash with me.”

I’ve officially forgiven Olaf for everything.

We’re spread all over my bed with our sugar highs. They’ve both been holding back their own heartaches on account of mine. Now it’s my turn to be a good friend.

“So what’s going on with Dax?”

“I dunno, he’s just been so distant lately. And he didn’t really even seem like he’d miss me when I went to Ireland. I dunno. I think I’m gonna break up with him when I get back.”

Me on the inside is screaming and jumping and blasting canons with confetti. “Oh, I’m sorry. That sucks. But you know, I’m sure you’ll have lots of boyfriends or girlfriends or whatever. And then you’ll find true love like me and Kris.”

“And me and Sven.”

“But I thought you broke up?”

“Well, sort of. I mean, not officially or anything. It’s just that, well, Sven loves me, you know. But it turns out that I sort of find relationships to be restricting and well, I don’t have boobs. So…”

“So you have an open relationship?”

“Yeah, I guess that’s a better way of looking at it. Open. Hehehehehehe. I guess I hadn’t thought about it that way. Hehehe.”

“So you’re happy about this? It’s what you want? I mean, you were always so jealous.”

“As long as I can have his carrot more than anyone else does. But I don't know. We're just gonna try it and see if it works.”

“His carrot?” asks Krya, again naive to this conversation.

“Don’t worry about it, dear. I’ll tell you when you’re older,” Olaf patronizes.

“Speaking of… Anna, um, I’m gonna be a junior, and I’m almost 17. I was sort of wondering…”

Where the f*ck is she going with this…

“How old is too old for me do you think?”

f*ck.

“Like guys?”

“Yeah. Like Kris is 8 years older than you, right? So is it ok for me to date someone that’s a little older?”

f*ck. f*ck. f*ck. She likes Finn. That’s why she’s breaking up with Dax. And also cause he’s a prick, I’m sure. I did not see that one coming. When did this even happen? They hardly ever talk. I mean, I know Finn's had a thing for her for a while, but I didn't really think he was her type, assuming Dax is her type.

“Well…”

“Oh boy…” I glare at Olaf because he’s so not helping.

“Well, it’s not my place to say, but I think a good rule of thumb is to stick to people in high school, yeah? At least until you're 18.”

“What about someone that’s a year or two outside of high school?”

I’m gonna f*cking kill Finn if he so much as touches her before she’s 18.

“Well, there’s a huge maturity factor. A 22 year old guy, for example..." It's not a f*cking example. "...can drink, has a regular full-time job, he lives on his own. You know? You still live at home and go to school. It's a totally different world. And before you bring it up, Olaf, we both know that it’s different for me and Kris because we’re both a lot older than that and because his maturity level is not that of a 43 year old man.”

It wasn’t meant to be funny, but they both laugh because it’s true. I twist my ring around and join in. I tickle Olaf’s belly and he tickles Kyra. We fall asleep to each other’s screams and laughter. I wonder if Kris is laughing wherever he is. I hope so, because he loves to laugh.

*****

~ Kris ~

“So, tell me about this girl! I wish you had brought her, but I know she had to go to Ireland. But anyway, I’m dying here!” I sort of wish I never said anything. Of course, when I did, it was the first time I was absolutely certain that I’d be with Anna forever. I couldn’t have imagined walking away from her. I’m not really walking away exactly, but there’s really no way she’s still gonna want to marry me after this, after leaving her again.

“Mom, can we just do this later?”

“At least a photo. Come on, please? Make an old woman happy?”

I can’t say no to that smile and her blinking eyes.

“Fine.” I pull out my phone.

“Oh, you’re such a sucker, son!”

“Oh, hush, you!” She playfully slaps my stepdad’s arm. “Don’t pretend that you aren’t curious, too.” He slips his glasses on as she says it.

My granddad finally opens his eyes and joins in the laughter. “Oh, leave the boy be! He’s had a rough day.”

I’m laughing along with them, though. It’s hard not to. But my gallery is empty. All I can do is stare at it for a moment. I smashed my phone, and that means I don’t have any pictures of Anna, no morning selfies in my history. I could show them the St. Patrick’s Day picture from a couple years ago that’s on Instagram, if I weren’t so f*cking sad that I burst into tears.

“Oh, sugar! What’s wrong, sweetie?”

She pulls my head to her chest and I wrap my arms around her waist. Then she rubs circles on my back like she did every time I felt sad.

“I don’t have any pictures of her!”

“How do you not have pictures of your fiancee?” My stepdad’s the reason I say stupid sh*t when I’m not supposed to.

“Shut up, man!” my mom says.

f*ck. I have no choice but to tell them everything that happened. All about Anna, the coma, my drinking problem.

“Son, you did the right thing,” my granddad says. I didn’t even know if he was really listening. Half the time he’s asleep and the other half he hears every word.

“You think so?”

“You’re gonna get yourself together, and then you’re gonna go get her back. But first, you’re gonna get your guitar and we’re gonna jam. Come on, sonny,” he says to my stepdad, “see if you can keep up!”

Granddad shares a toothless smile with me. It’s one of his favorite jokes because my dad’s a pretty well-known blues guitarist, too. Not like my granddad, who’s a f*cking legend, but he has a few solo albums out there and he plays on all the big stages with all the big names. Anyway, he can definitely hold his own, so it’s pretty funny.

It feels so good to get back to my roots like this. But I’m so rusty. I’ve decided, this is what I’m going to spend my time on. Granddad won’t be around forever so I’m gonna get as many moments like this as I can.

“Alright kid, what you got for us?” Granddad asks.

I wonder if my dad left so he could sober up for us. He tried to do the right thing, even though it felt like the wrong thing. Matt even said he thought he was doing the right thing for us. And then he just couldn’t f*cking do it. But I’m not like him. I’m going back to Anna. I just hope she waits for me. Even if she doesn't, I'm still going back to her. I promised her.

“12 bar,” I say as I slide my capo on the second fret, then I start strumming. My mom stands behind me and I can’t see, but I know she’s already swaying her hips.

I woke up this morning, feeling round for my shoes
Know 'bout 'at I got these, old walking blues
Woke up this morning, feeling round for my shoes

“There you go, son,” my stepdad chimes in. "Good choice."

“Come on now!” my mom says and starts clapping as I get to the pentatonic. And then Granddad helps me bring it home.

But you know 'bout 'at I, got these old walking blues

My mom reaches over and hugs me around the neck. “I’m happy you’re here, sugar, with or without Anna. We’ve missed you so much.”

She really needs to stop making me cry.

“Come on, Mom, it’s your turn!” I finish out most of the 12th bar before she jumps in. She’s got such a great voice and she sings with so much joy. Doesn’t matter what it is, she puts her whole body into it.Anna’s gonna love her so much.

When my stepdad's working on the intro to the next tune, I hold Anna's pick to my mouth and say a silent prayer to the the rock'n'roll gods that I have the strength to be the man she deserves and that I don't have to make her wait too long.

Chapter 33: Don't Reconsider, Baby

Chapter Text

~ Anna ~

I’m here for Elsa, whose ballet is being premiered by the Living Rock Ballet Company at the end of the week, and Kris just happens to live in Living Rock. I’m so glad HM is coming because I just don’t know if I could be the emotional rock Elsa needs this week. Actually HM and I are getting along really well. Ever since we had that talk in the bar, and I broke down in front of her, it’s just been a little easier. But the biggest thing is seeing her with Elsa. She f*cking loves my sister so much. She’s made helping Elsa stay on track a f*cking lifestyle. And she sees it as a privilege, not a burden. She’s patient with her, but she doesn’t let her get away with her OCD crap. I actually think she knows more about it than I do at this point. Like, she’s read books about it. That’s how serious she is about Elsa.

I’m happy about it, but it also makes me a little sad. It’s not fair that they get to be together all the time, but Kris and I can’t. I’m doomed to love men that can’t ever be around. I twist my ring around, just to feel close to him. It’s been like two months since he left, and I haven’t talked to him at all. And I just… I just really miss him.

Elsa and HM are staying together. And I’m not staying alone either. I’ve got my trusty vibrating friend that Kris gave me and extra batteries. Two sets of extra batteries. Just in case things don’t go well with Kris. I wish I could have a bottle of Jameson, too, but I still want to support Kris, even if he doesn’t know I am.

Elsa’s busy pretty much all week working with the ballet orchestra, and HM’s glued to her hip. That means I have a few options. I could stick with Elsa and HM at the ballet, but honestly, yawn. Or I could explore the town. There’s not really a lot to explore, though. It’s an old coal mining town, and there isn’t a whole lot to do. Or I could sit in my room, and fill my time with practicing and p*rn. Or I could try to hang out with Kris. Spending a whole week with him sounds like heaven, but I honestly don’t know if he’ll be glad to see me or if he’ll be annoyed because he’s not ready. Or maybe he’s changed his mind all together and doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I guess I’d rather know than not know.

The guys at the pub told me there’s a pretty good session in Living Rock, though, so that’s what I decide to do the first night. Elsa and HM, the lovebirds, are at dinner tonight, which means I’m on my own. I got lost so I’m a little late, the music’s already going. “John Ryan’s Polka,” one of my favorites.

I get all tuned up in the corner then head over to where the magic is happening. Declan was right. This is a great session.

Wait, is that Kris? It is! I’d recognize those veiny guitar arms anywhere. I want to throw my arms around him, but he’s playing, and he doesn’t see me, and I don’t even know if he wants to see me.

“G!” Someone shouts from across the table. I do some shuffles the first time around, then join the other two fiddles to catch the melody.

Kris turns his head to see where the extra sound is coming from, and… oh, he’s so adorable. He stops playing, widens his eyes, and drops his jaw. It takes all my self control not to fill it with my tongue. Instead, I just wink so he smiles, and turns red. Then he starts playing again but doesn’t turn away from me. I guess he is happy to see me. Oh, the things I plan on doing to him later, now that I know he wants me there…

Like before, we’re the last two people at the session. I feel myself being pulled closer to him. One inch at a time.

“So, what are you doing here? I mean, not that I’m not happy to see you. Cause I am. Like really, really happy.”

“Well, Elsa’s ballet is premiering this weekend, and we came up early with HM. And the guys told me there was a really great session here, so I wanted to check it out. And it’s a great session. Actually, it’s the best session because you’re here.”

“I’ve been coming every week since I came up here, and everyone’s been so great and helping me learn more and all that. I’ve even jammed with some of them outside of the session.”

I don’t know what to say, but I don’t mind just sitting here and looking at him for a while. He looks really good and healthy. I can tell he hasn’t been drinking. It’s more like how he looked when we first met.

“Do you wanna have dinner with me, Anna?”

Not what I expected him to ask. I thought he’d ask if we could go back to my hotel room. I definitely plan on taking him there later. But this is sweet.

“Yeah. I’d love to.”

He drives me to a diner that specializes in pies. There are 32 different pies. We order six different slices and share them. Chocolate pecan, pumpkin, apple cinnamon, chocolate chess, mud, and cherry. He opens all the doors for me, and pays for dinner/dessert. This is a real date. I don’t actually think we’ve ever been on a “date” date before. Our dates have always been in bed or playing music together. I feel butterflies in my stomach every time he looks at me and I keep wondering how much tighter I can squeeze my legs. It’s like he actually matured a little. He’s still the same goofball he’s always been, but there’s just something a little more serious about him now.

We stay the night at my hotel room, and it’s as good as I remember it being. We’re so in tune with each other and we like the same things. And it takes a lot more to make him come, so we end up working really hard, and I’m so crazy attracted to him, so it’s so easy to come for him.

“So, what are you doing today?” He’s rubbing circles on my arm and kissing my neck.

“The only things I had on schedule today were practicing and masturbating. Now masturbating seems unnecessary, though. What are you doing?”

His laugh is infectious, and so is his smile.

“Well, we’re having a bar-b-que this afternoon for my grandfather’s 90th birthday. Do you want to come?”

I sit up and turn to him. I can’t even begin to describe how excited I am to meet his family, that he likes me enough to introduce me, that I get to learn more about him.

“Yes,” I manage to get out between kisses.

“Well, it starts at 2:00 so we have a couple of hours to kill.”

I don’t answer and I don’t really listen. Everything I want right now is beneath the sheets, and my goal is to make him stop talking. Not because I don’t love the sound of his voice, because I really do, but because I need him to feel as good as I felt when he asked me on a date to get pie and invited me to meet his family. Any doubts I had about him before can be quashed. Him letting me meet his family is pretty huge.

*****

~ Kris ~

I should tell her. Right? She’s coming over and she’s gonna find out either way. Yeah, I should definitely tell her. On the other hand… maybe it’ll be a fun surprise for her. Or she could be really weird about it. That’s why I don’t usually tell people. They act weird around me, treat me differently. I don’t think Anna would be weird around me, though, and she definitely wouldn’t treat me differently. Plus, if I’m gonna marry her, she needs to know.

I’m gonna ease her into it. I’m just gonna put some music on…

“I knew you were into Grand Pabbie!”

“Ha, you guessed right.”

Then the next song. “And Cliff Stone. I’m on to you, Kris. You love the blues.”

“You already knew all of that, though.”

She sticks her tongue out at me. That’s the tongue that woke me up. Ok, eyes on the road. But seriously, it’s so nice to see her so relaxed and carefree. I know I’m gonna see her in tears at the end of the week, but I want to see her smile as much as possible until then.

“Don’t you just love Buldena’s voices? It’s just so silky. I love hearing her and Cliff Stone together. You can tell how in love they are when she sings with him.” I love to hear her sigh like that, so happy and full of love.

“Yeah, you know, they really are in love like that in real life.”

“Mmmmm…” Once she’s done being lost in the music, she asks, “So, why did you want me to bring my fiddle?”

“Oh, cause my granddad loves music. You know, he actually taught me to play guitar. Anyway, I think some of his friends are going to be there and we’re gonna have a jam session or whatever. It’s just a bunch of blues veterans, mostly. My granddad probably hasn’t gotten to play with a fiddler in 50 years or something. I thought you might want to play. Of course, you don’t have to.”

“What? No! Of course I want to play! I can’t wait to meet him, and your mom and step-dad. This is going to be so fun!”

“You know, I never guessed you’d be so excited about anything from the first time we met. You seemed completely over everything.”

“I was over everything. But that was before I knew you, and how amazing you are.” She’s doing that thing again where she makes me feel so good. I’m gonna have to hold onto those words for when she goes home. “Besides, I’m never over music. Except classical music. I don’t know, it’s just not that exciting anymore.”

“But you just got that job at the opera, right?”

“Yeah, well, gotta pay the bills somehow, right? Plus, Elsa’s on my insurance plan. I can’t really afford not to have a job like that. Therapy and medication are pretty expensive when you don’t have insurance.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s true.” Please don’t ask me about AA or whatever. I don’t need it because it’s not an addiction, but she’ll probably be upset if she knows I’m not doing that. All I needed was to get my head on straight. I play in that session at the bar all the time and never once had a drink or even thought about it. That’s not true. When someone brings a whiskey over to the table I think about it. But everyone knows that I don’t drink so no one ever offers any to me. It’s getting easier over time. It’s just something I always have to work on, I guess. And then there’s the music. I’m there for the music, not the booze. And then there’s Anna. It’s really hard not to think of her in that cute rain jacket with no clothes underneath (well, I don’t know for sure, but that’s how I like to remember it, anyway) and how I had to give that up because I couldn’t control myself.

I wonder if she brought that rain jacket with her…

Whatever. We have all week together, and we can talk about all that stuff later. Ugh. Maybe I’ll just go home with her. Ugh. Thoughts for later.

“Oh, I love this song!” She turned up the volume without asking and sang along to one of Buldena’s biggest hits. She’s so into it! She knows every word, even the parts where she talks, and she even has hand gestures to go with it. “Elsa and I used to dance around the living room with our mom singing at the tops of our lungs to this song. It was my mom’s absolute favorite. She had like a whole cute dance thing to it.”

I’m gonna tell her. No, no I’m not. I want to see the look on her face. This is gonna be so good.

“Why are you smiling like that?”

“What? Oh. Just, you know, happy you’re here. I missed you so much, you know?” Ok, enough of that. Don’t have time for that now.

“Aww! I missed you, too, you know.”

Thank goodness we’re almost there because she’s nibbling on my ear and sucking on my neck. Now she’s giggling and messing with my hair. “I’m making a list.”

“A list?”

“Of all the things I want to do to you.”

I’m pretty sure a slap to the face isn’t on that list, but she’s gonna add it in about two minutes. And there’s already a bunch of people there. I was kind of hoping we’d get there first. But well, you know, Anna wanted me to take a shower with her, and well, you know. That took an extra half hour or so longer than I thought it would. No regrets.

“Kristoff’s here! And he brought a girl!” It’s just as much a surprise for my mom as it is for Anna. I mean, at least she knew about Anna, but she didn’t think she’d get to meet her so soon after finding out.

“Mom, this is Anna, my fiancee.” I give her a kiss on the cheek before she has a chance to get upset that I didn’t tell her she was coming.

“Holy sh*t.” Anna’s mouth is agape and she’s staring. What a first impression! So very Anna.

“Hi, dear. I’m Buldena. Kristoff’s mom.” She takes her into a big hug then steps back. “Let me look at you.” She holds her cheeks and looks into her eyes, runs her hands through her hair, lands on her shoulders and then gets to her hands and feels her calluses.

“Kristoff said you were pretty, but I really thought he was exaggerating!”

She’s so cute and confused. “But, Kris…” She’s looking to me for clarification.

“Sorry I didn’t warn you.” I’m in stitches and doing my very best to contain it. I’m so not sorry!

“It is such an honor to meet you Ms. Buldena. I can’t even. I listened to “Rocky Road” over and over when my parents died and I swear it helped get me through it and “Feel My Crystal Power” was my mom’s favorite song and I think about her every time I hear it. Kris?”

“Kristoff Bjorgman! You didn’t tell her I was your mom?”

“She never asked?”

“Now, I know you know better than that!”

“It’s just too funny, though!!!”

“Son, you better tell her the rest of it before we go inside.”

“But, you’re really Kris’ mom?”

“Right now I’d rather say no, but it’s true. You should be ashamed of yourself, Kristoff! Tricking this young lady like that!”

I’m not sure how she doesn’t think this is one of the funniest things I’ve ever done in my life.

“But… that means that Cliff Stone is you-”

“Step-father. Yes.”

“And Grand Pabbie is his- holy sh*t…”

“Yeah, that’s Kristoff’s granddad, my dad.”

“And we’re here for Grand Pabbie’s 90th birthday?” Anna’s eyes are bugged out but she’s really holding her tongue in front of my mom, and her hands, because she has all the emotions going across her face and some of them are definitely not good and they are definitely all directed at me. I’m pretty sure this isn’t going to end as well as when I asked her what her name was after we slept together the first time. Actually, I still can’t believe she didn’t kick me out of her apartment for that. But I did bring her to Grand Pabbie’s 90th birthday party… and she gets to jam with him, Cliff Stone, and all their friends. I feel like that’s a big enough trump card to get me through this.

“Kristoff, you’re a 43 year old grown-ass man. You know better.” Of course, my mom has more to say. "I'll give some time to tell the truth. The whole truth. Don't come back inside until you're done lying to this young lady."

"Yes, ma’am."

"It's lovely to meet you, Anna. I hope we'll see you inside soon."

"You will. I'm looking forward to it."

I can’t help but roll onto the grass as soon as the door shuts. I just can’t hold it in anymore!

"What the f*ck, Kris?"

"Your face, though!"

"I've dated men half your age that are twice as mature."

"But how many of them brought you to Grand Pabbie’s 90th birthday party?" I hook my leg behind her knees and she lets me pull her on top of me.

She's softening so I circle her hips. "I'm sorry. Will you forgive me? Please?"

She always likes it when I breathe on her neck.

"Fine. But do you promise to be an adult? You don't have to be 43, but maybe 33?"

That’s fair and totally called for. "Besides, you already knew I listened to a lot of Grand Pabbie and Cliff Stone."

“You didn’t tell me that you had private lessons, though.”

“Yeah, but I feel like you knew all along anyway.”

“I can’t believe you let me go on and on about how great your mom and your grandfather and your step-father were without saying anything! I feel like such an idiot.”

“I’m sorry. I just wasn’t ready to say anything. And then, in the car, you know, I was going to tell you, but well, it was one of the best practical jokes ever. Come on, you have to agree.”

Ok, she’s definitely forgiven me. She only smiles at me like that when she wants me.

I hold her closer to me and say into her neck, “We can let everyone think we’re still arguing for just a few minutes, can’t we?”

I roll her over on the grass, and this is so f*cking hot… I’m not sure how long we’ve been making out for, but I definitely can’t make out for much longer. Her cheeks are beautifully flushed and her lips plump. I already want her silk vines wrapped around me. How could I be so dumb to think it was a good idea to stay away from her for so long. My life is so dull and boring without her.

“How you do there, Kristoff!” sh*t.

“Hey Charlie, Pete. Everyone’s out back, I think.” I am afraid to look at Anna right now.

Pete whispers to Charlie about Anna. No one except my family really believed I was engaged since I didn’t bring Anna home with me.

“This the one?” he asks.

“Yeah, um, this is my fiancee, Anna Darling. Anna, this is Charlie Campbell and Pete Gardner.”

“Hey guys! Um, I’d shake your hand, but mine are a little dirty right now.”

“Not a problem. We’ll see you inside later. You play?”

“I’m on fiddle.”

“Ok then! Look forward to it! Uh, carry on, son,” he winks as he tips his hat. “As you were.”

This is a whole new look for Anna. She’s not exactly happy with me right now. Charlie Campbell and Pete Gardner just saw me planting her into the ground. Ok, it’s definitely gone too far now.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

She puffs up her chest and breathes in annoyance. “Just remember. You got to meet Buldena.”

“Just remember that I gave you a blow j*b to wake you up from your coma.”

Ok, so she’s slightly ahead of me… It’s fine. She’ll get over it once she starts playing.

“That’s also true. And um… Yeah. You ready to go inside?” I’m so out of breath. I’ve gotta calm down or my Mom’s gonna know how close I am to sneaking Anna into my bedroom. She probably already does. But I don’t need to give her proof. Though Anna’s face says it all, and probably so does mine.

*****

~ Anna ~

“So where should we start?” Grand Pabbie asks. Oh my god… I still can’t believe I’m sitting in front of Grand Pabbie. With my fiddle, about to play with him.

I look at Kris, just hoping for some encouragement because I’m really nervous. I mean, it’s not just Grand Pabbie, but Buldena, Cliff Stone, and there’s 10 other guys here that are famous blues and jazz musicians. Is this what Kris’ life was like growing up? Sunday afternoons with Grammy winners? He’s so modest, though. But I mean, it’s no wonder he’s so good. He’s got Grand Pabbie’s genes, plus he grew up playing with him. They probably played together all the time. And when he wasn’t playing with him, he was watching and listening to him play. Most people would make sure everyone knows about it. But Kris just wants to be his own person. But this is f*cking normal to him!

Finally he smiles at me. We haven’t even started playing and I’ve already forgiven him for that extremely embarrassing first meeting with his mother, who just happens to be one of my favorite musicians of all time. And she’s so freaking nice! Not that I thought she’d be mean or anything. Just, I don’t know, she’s just so sweet. Of course Kris’ mom would be sweet, though. He’s sweet, so that makes a lot of sense.

“I got one,” says Charlie.

“Ok, then! Here we go!” Grand Pabbie strums out a few bars. “This ok, Chuck?”

Charlie nods and jumps in with the melody.

Kris laughs. “Are you f*cking kidding me with this sh*t, Charlie?” He’s still playing along and smiling, but Charlie and Pete are the only other ones that are.

“This one’s for the lovers,” he says and winks at me.

I don’t get it. Until Pete sings over the next 12 bars.

I roll and I tumble

I cried the whole night long

Oh. I get it. Kris is making a face at me not to worry about it.

I’m following along as best I can, but I just don’t want to get in anyone’s way.

“Anna, why don’t you take this one, dear” Grand Pabbie shouts. f*ck. I’m so not ready for this. I look at Kris. He starts strumming the melody so we do it together. I’ve never been so nervous before, but it’s so much better with Kris.

When we got to the end of the 12 bars, Kris lets Pete know he’s got that verse.

Well, now want you to love me, baby

Yes, love me, baby, or please let me be

Yes, love me, baby, or please let me be

He’s turned towards me. He’s singing to me! Oh my god, it’s so embarrassing, but I’m also squeezing my legs. I love him so much!!!

If you don't like my peaches

Please don't shake my tree

Ok, now it’s officially embarrassing. Until he leans over to breathe on my neck to tell me how much he wants me to shake his tree. I’m going to f*cking kill him. No. first I’m going to f*ck him. Then I’m going to kill him.

After that we play a few more songs, and Grand Pabbie asks me to improvise at least once per song. And he’s so nice and patient! That’s where Kris gets it from. And I start to relax, and it’s easier to play, and I feel more like myself. It feels pretty freaking awesome.

Then Buldena tells everyone to take a break and get some bar-b-que. “Anna, why don’t you help me with in the kitchen.”

Kris winks at me as I pass him and catches my fingers. This is somehow exactly who I’ve always known him to be, but it’s also a completely new side of him.

And now I’m in the kitchen with Buldena helping her with drinks and cutting onions and fruit and all that.

“So, how long have you known Kristoff?”

“Well, I guess it’s been like a year and a half or so.”

“Oh, well, that’s nice. He’s a bit of a fixer-upper, that one. Probably my doing. But he’s a good one.”

“No, he’s perfect the way he is. He doesn’t need fixing.” Ok, he’s not exactly perfect, but he’s pretty f*cking close.

“Oh, come here!” she’s crying as she pulls me into an almost suffocating hug. She’s not quite as tall as Kristoff, but she’s a lot taller than me, and she’s also a little on the plump side. It’s wrong for me to say, but it’s like hugging a pillow, and it feels good. “So, how/when did you know you were in love with him?”

“Oh!” I didn’t even think about it, but this is hilarious and embarrassing. Kind of like the rest of the day. Oh, well. Might as well tell Kris’ mom, Buldena, something that’s gonna make her like me even more. And it’s the f*cking truth.

“We were all in the tour bus, driving back to Arendelle after Winter Holiday. And I was sitting shotgun with Olaf, who’s the Reindeer Herders’ drummer.”

“Oh! Olaf! I’ve heard all about him!”

I smile. I can only imagine the stories Kris tells his mom about Olaf and Sven.

“We were just chatting and I was kind of sad that Kris had to go and he was gonna be gone for a long time. So I put on some music, you know, stuff to make me feel better.”

“Well, sure. The healing power of music. You’ll fit in with this family just fine!”

She is making me blush!

“So, what song did you pick?”

I guess I’m just getting warmed up…

“‘Don’t You Let Him Go.’”

“Aaaah!” She holds her hands up to her gaping mouth. “By me and my Cliff?”

“Mhmm,” I nod. “And I just looked back to see what Kris was doing and he was working out a song, you know, just kind of noodling around, but he looked so intense. And I just thought about how he’s just so brilliant and he’s got such a deep and artistic soul, but it’s so easy to overlook that because he’s so funny and laid back. And I just knew that he was it for me. I honestly didn’t expect it to last because, you know, he’s always on the road and all that. And if it did, it meant a lot of sacrifices on my part, but even if it didn’t work out, I just knew he was worth it.”

Now she’s really in tears, and kissing me all over my face in between hugs. “I love you,” she whispers in my ear. “Anyone that cares about my son that much… I’m so glad he found you!”

She pulls back from me and wipes my tears from my eyes. Buldena just told me she loved me! I giggle a little and then my nose starts running. Ugh… more embarrassment. But she finds a napkin and it’s fine. We take all the stuff out to the backyard and every once in a while I notice her looking at me with such fondness, especially when she sees us together. I can see her whisper to Cliff, too, and I know she’s telling him about the tour bus and their song. And then he keeps smiling at me, too. God, I haven’t even told Kris about that!

After everyone’s done eating, Grand Pabbie says, “So, Anna, Kristoff tells me you play Irish music? That so?”

“Yessir. I play in an orchestra, actually, but Irish music is what I love most.” Then I look at Kris and say, “Besides Kris, of course.”

He pokes at my stomach to make me scream and everyone laughs. I’m pretty sure my cheeks will be red for months after this.

“Well, why don’t you play something for us?”

“Oh. Ok. Sure.” I was not expecting that. “Kris? What do you wanna do?” I’ll let him pick because I want to make sure it’s something he feels comfortable with.

“Rocky Road to Dublin?” Ok, he wants to show off.

“Yeah, ok, let’s do it.”

“Well, come on, then.”

I give him the last few bars so he gets the tempo, then we start right in. Except we just play, no singing. I never like to sing Irish music. Never say never, but I’m just more into the fiddle and the rhythm.

When we’re done everyone claps.

“Well, that was just too much! What a treat!” said Grand Pabbie. “To think I could have lived the rest of my days and not seen Anna Darling play fiddle like that! You were playing it safe with us before! Didn’t know you had all that in you!” OHMYGOD!!! Grand Pabbie just said that to me! He actually just said that! I can’t even look at him, so I look at Kris again. He’s so proud of me!

“That was something else, wasn’t it, Buldy?” Cliff asks.

“Cliff, that’s your daughter-in-law. What do you think?”

“I say my son knows a good thing when he sees it.”

“So what exactly are you doing in an orchestra pit, Anna?” Buldena asks.

“I have insurance and a 401K?”

“Oh, well, I’ve never! Kristoff, why haven’t you already married this girl?”

“I’m working on it! Jeez!” Charlie’s just joking, but I know Kris is upset by his comment.

“What was that rhythm that you used for it. Was that in 9?” Grand Pabbie asks.

“Yeah, it’s 9/8. It’s a slip jig.” I explain about the accented beats, but I think he already picked up on that probably as soon as we started playing. He really just wants a reason to talk to me.

“And that’s dorian, huh? Well, I’ll be!”

“A lot of Irish music is modal, actually. I think that’s why Kris likes it so much, yeah?” I wink at him.

Cliff practically roars. “This boy just never can get enough of his pentatonic!”

“You got me!” He plays a pentatonic passage from one of the Reindeer Herders’ songs without strumming.

“Maybe we need one more before we call it a day?” Buldena asks. It’s clear that Grand Pabbie’s getting tired and won’t be able to stay awake much longer.

“I know,” Kris says. He starts strumming, and Buldena’s about to sing the vocals, but Kris turns towards me and sings instead. I know his mom’s pleased as punch to see this, though. When Kris and I play together, something magical happens. It’s like we’re bound together by this musical force field, like little pulses of golden lights weave around us. I’ve never felt like that with anyone else, and I doubt I ever will.

So long, oh how I hate to see you go

So long, oh how I hate to see you go

And the way that I will miss you, I guess you will never know

f*ck, I’m in tears. Kris puts his guitar down to hug me. And then he pulls away for the next verse so he can hold my hands and sing again. Of course, there’s no way I can play.

We've been together so long, to have to separate this way

We've been together so long, to have to separate this way

I'm gonna let you go ahead on baby, pray that you'll come back home someday

This days is too f*cking emotional. Why is he doing this to me?

The last verse he sings with a funny voice, and skips octaves, and it’s cute and makes me laugh through my tears.

You said you once had loved me, but now I guess you have changed your mind

You said you once had loved me, but now I guess you have changed your mind

Why don't you reconsider baby, give yourself just a little more time

“I still love you!” I blurt out. That breaks the tension and gets everyone to laugh so they all leave on a good note.

*****

~ Kris ~

“So, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” I tease her.

“Are you kidding? Everyone was giving me such a hard time. And there’s only one person I want to give me a hard time.” She pokes my chest and it tickles more than hurts.

“Well, I don’t know who that person is, but you’re welcome to my hard time.” Ok, she’s already got my pants halfway down.

“Kris…” she says as she takes off my shirt and kisses as much surface area as she can. “Do you have any condoms?”

Do I? “Hold on…” What did I do with them? Not in my sock drawer, not in my desk drawer. It wouldn’t have made sense for me to take them out anyway. I’ll never sleep with anyone other than Anna ever again, and she wasn’t here. Oh. Right. My duffle bag. Packed and ready for whenever I was ready to move back home with Anna.

“That’s such a relief,” she says. “Cause I was gonna f*ck you either way.”

I don’t think I’ve ever put a condom on faster than that. And I’ve barely got it on, like I just barely smoothed the end, like she was going to take my finger with my dick. I’m holding onto her hips while she sits completely upright and plays with her hair.

“No… keep them up there,” I eke out when she tries to take her arms down. I’ve never seen her boobs bounce like that and I don’t want to stop seeing it.

“What? What’s wrong?” Anna stops for some reason.

“Nothing,” she says flirtatiously and leans down to kiss me. “I just want something different now.”

She stands up, turns around, and slides herself onto me. Ok, I’m f*cking cross-eyed right now. And that’s her butt, flexing on my stomach. Oh my god. And her f-hole tattoos are dancing. Sometimes I really don’t know if Anna is real.

But when she grabs my hand and puts it where she wants it, I know she’s real. I know exactly how to touch her to make her scream, which means I can time it just right… ahhhh. How the hell am I going to walk away from this?

“Kris?” She’s curled into my side and her eyes are right there. I spend so much time looking at her legs and her chest and I really don’t spend enough on her eyes. They’re so clear I can see myself in them, but they’re so bright that I know Anna’s there with me. It feels like that’s where I’m meant to be, in her eyes like that. I almost forgot she was talking to me. “You’re doing well, right? I mean, you’re staying sober and it seems like you’re healthy and happy, and all that. Right?”

f*ck. I was hoping we’d just skip this conversation. “Yeah, I’m trying my best.”

“Well, do you think you can come home with me?”

“I don’t know… I’m just not sure I’m ready. I think it’ll be a good test to see how I handle you leaving Living Rock. We’ll see how I handle it. And if I do ok, maybe in a month or so I can come down there. “Is that ok?”

“You still want to be with me, though, right? You’re not just saying that? You really are going to marry me, yeah?”

“I do. Of course. I mean, I brought you to meet my family. And now you see why that was such a huge deal. But I wouldn’t have brought you home with me if I didn’t think of you that way. And now everyone else is going to kill me if I don’t marry you. And it’s kills me to be away from you. And honestly, I still can’t believe you want to wait for me. I thought I was going to have to beg you to reconsider.”

“Mmmm… I’ve reconsidered. And I’ve decided to reconsider.”

Ok, tickling her for being such a smart ass, until I spoon her and she purrs.

“Plus, I’m helping my granddad with some recordings he wanted to finish before he… You know, he wanted to record just one last album, and he wanted me to help him with it. It’s gonna take at least another month to finish recording. And I want to at least make sure that I get the recording part done as quickly as possible. I can take my time with all the editing, mixing, and mastering. I just need to finish recording, though.”

“Yeah. Of course! You should spend that time with him. But come back to me after that, yeah?”

“Anna, Living Rock used to be my home. But you’re my home now. Wherever you are. And I’m always going to come home to you. Even if it takes me a while to get there.”

It’s not even a question in my mind that I’m going back to her. I just have a bad feeling it’ll take a lot longer for me to get there than I told her. And it’s gonna be a slippery and rocky road. But I’ll get there.

Chapter 34: Living Rock Ballet

Chapter Text

~ Elsa ~

Perfect skin. It’s so smooth but I’m not going to touch it. Her arm’s crooked above her and hiding under the pillow, and her face is buried there, too. All I can see is a little piece of her forehead and eyebrow, her cheekbone, and her jaw. Her shoulder’s so shiny and full, exactly the right amount of toned.

I trace the outline of her body by running my finger just to her side. She really has the most beautiful breasts I’ve ever seen. They’re full enough that they’re spilling over the side of her body, and I don’t know how she doesn’t wake up with a backache every morning. Her nipple isn't exposed, but I know it's under there.

There’s just one corner of a white sheet pulled up to her hips and her feet are stacked on top of each other sticking out of the other end. I go back to staring at her breast for a few more minutes, and then I get back to the rest of her. I prop myself up on my elbow so I can see her back, the perfect balance of muscle, fat, and bone. I keep saying perfect because that’s just the best word to describe her.

I smile at the group of moles on her left shoulder, arranged to look like the big dipper. Of course, she has tattooed lines connecting the moles in case anyone had any questions about the shape. And because she's the coolest person I know. I love to trace the lines and connect the dots, but I’m just going to think about it for now. I’m still wearing my gloves… but I also want to see what’s under the sheet.

First I check to see if she’s awake. She isn’t, of course. She’s not an early riser after years of late performances, and our timetables are just a little off. Sometimes it makes intimacy difficult, but it’s spontaneous and exciting. I’ve never lived my life as spontaneous and exciting until I met Honeymaren. Being with her is like waking up in my own fantasy every day. She’s everything my life has been missing.

I lift the sheet slowly, trying not to wake her. I know she won’t mind if I look, but she’s just so peaceful and the last few days have been so exhausting. I stick my head underneath, hold my hair back so it doesn’t tickle her. That proves impossible so I just peel the sheet off.

It’s hard to take my eyes off of her, but I quickly glance to see if she’s awake. No, not so far. I’m going to use the word again. Perfect. It’s so round and big and… I really can’t believe she’s 42.

I can’t touch her with my gloves on. That’s the rule. So I touch her with my lips. Ok, now I really want her to wake up, so I kiss her again. This time a little longer. Still nothing. It’s just so juicy, I just want to… Sinking my teeth into her feels so good, especially when she squeezed her cheeks together, and I can feel her muscle lift under my teeth as I bite a little harder. She still doesn’t seem to be awake, though.

I drag my tongue down her thigh until I get to the back of her knee. I tickle her with my mouth until she kicks me. Then I giggle onto her and she moans.

“Elsa…” she says into her pillow.

I’m going to have to take my gloves off now. I have to touch her. I rub my hands all over her rear and squeeze where it connects to her legs.

“Elsa…” she whines. I smile knowing how good I’m about to make her feel.

I climb between her legs, and pry them apart, which she willingly helps with as she says my name a few more times. The I lean forward and wrap my hands around her hips to lift her enough for my hand to slip underneath.

“Elsa… Elsa…”

I think I can reach her breast from here… Yes. Finally, her nipple. She gasps quietly and squeezes so I keep going.

“Elsa… Elsa… Mag… fings…”

It doesn’t take long for her to collapse and fall on top of my hand, but I keep wiggling my finger to make it last a little longer.

Honeymaren’s so relaxed with a huge grin as she turns over and says “Good morning.”

I flop down in front of her, a little proud, and she kisses me. I didn’t expect her to keep going with the kiss, but she does and does all the right things with her tongue. My hand is a little cramped but I can’t keep it away from myself, and I'm already so turned on.

“That’s it,” Honeymaren says as she pulls my underwear down so my fingers can explore the new purchase.

“Keep going, Darling,” she says as she spreads my legs and moves me to my back. “I want to see your magic hands in action."

Her face is so close to me, as though her tongue was ready to replace my fingers whenever they got tired.

“Is that what you like, Darling?” she asks. She can see me return to one spot over and over, because that’s what feels the best. And I’m so close, but my fingers are seizing up and and I’ve almost come twice but couldn’t because my fingers just couldn’t do it anymore. Finally, her tongue does take over and it’s so much better than my fingers. But all the while she’s holding onto my fingers and rolling them between her thumb and forefinger.

And… “Oh….my…Honey…” God, I feel it down to my toes.

I’m totally unable to move or talk.

“Do you know what today is?” she asks.

“Balle… Prem…”

“That’s right, Darling. And guess what? I got you a present to mark the occasion.”

She really didn’t need to do that, but it’s so sweet. She touches something soft to my nose, then plops it on my belly. I have to crane my neck to see it.

“Is that a reindeer?” I never would have imagined her giving me a stuffed animal. Ever. So it really makes me smile. I sit up and cradle it before pulling it away and examining it, touching every part of it, rolling it over in my hands so I could see everything.

“Do you like it?”

“Yes! I love it!”

“You know, Ahtohallans believe reindeers are good luck.”

My eyes pop open. She gave me a good luck charm because she knew how nervous I was? I can’t believe it.

“You know, you’re my good luck charm."

"I guess that just makes this little guy even luckier, doesn't it?”

Perfect. That’s it exactly.

*****

~ HM ~

Elsa’s backstage talking to the director and stage manager about some last minute notes, so I’m stuck with Anna. Things are a lot better between us, a LOT better, but it’s still a little awkward. Plus neither one of us is exactly touchy-feeling. Except when it comes to Kris and Elsa, of course. Right. That’s where I’ll start.

“So, how’d it go with Kris?”

“So good. Ugh. I just love that guy so much!” She’s so different from Elsa, but they’re so alike, too.

“So is he coming back to Arendelle with you?”

“No, he’s gonna stay here a little longer. Just to make sure he doesn’t start drinking again when I leave.”

I knew his mom would be able to straighten him out. He’s such a mama’s boy. I wonder if Anna realizes what she’s getting into. But I’m glad he’s taking it seriously this time. It’s smart to stay behind after seeing Anna again.

“Well, you’re taking this really well.” I’m actually impressed. Maybe she’s been working on her rage issues.

“Well, it’s just temporary. And we’re gonna stay in touch this time.

“Morning selfies?”

She smiles and blushes a little, tucks a strand behind her ears. “Mhmm.”

I’m kind of teasing her, but it is pretty cute that she makes him do that. And really f*cking clever.

Anna looks up to the mezzanine, probably looking for Kris. I guess his parents are musicians, really not a surprise at all, and they wanted to see his future sister-in-law’s ballet. After 20 f*cking years, I’m finally going to meet this woman.

“So what are Kris’ folks like?”

“I really like them! They’re just really great.” Her brow furrows.

“What’s wrong?”

“Well, I guess I should tell you. I’m not going to tell Elsa cause it would just make her more nervous…”

“What?" I have plenty of experience with younger siblings and there’s no way she’s not telling me. "Out with it!”

She slumps back and blows the strand that won’t stay behind her ear out of the way. “They’re just… well… they’re sort of famous?”

“What?” Ok, this I have to hear. “Who are they?”

She takes a deep breath and bites her lip. It’s not like Anna to be this nervous. “I’m gonna find out either way. Might as well tell me now.”

“Fine. His mom is Buldena. And his dad is Cliff Stone.”

She says it so nonchalantly and then folds her arms and sits back in her seat, staring at the seat in front of her.

Is she f*cking kidding me? Kris’ mom is Buldena? There’s no f*cking way I’ve been playing with Buldena’s son for 20 years and not known about it.

“Are you f*cking with me?”

“Nope. Swear on my mom’s grave.”

“Holy sh*t.”

“Yeah, I know. He didn’t tell me before we got to his house and then she opened the door and told me she was his mom. He literally fell on the ground from laughing so hard.”

“God, will he ever grow up? You sure you actually want to marry him?”

“Yes! God, f*ck you, HM! What the hell is your problem?”

“Hey, hey, I’m just joking! You know I love the guy. He’s like a brother to me. I can’t help but give him a hard time.”

She rolls her eyes, understandably. It was a little below the belt, and I should know better. She always gets pissed whenever anyone says anything bad about Kris. I really am happy he found someone like that.

“So… that must have been a little awkward…?”

“Yeah, I mean, at first. But she’s so warm and sweet. And she gives great hugs. She’s pretty much everything you’d expect Kris’ mom to be, and everything you thought Buldena would be, and more.”

Elsa comes back and sits between us and Anna and I immediately stop talking. “What did I miss? What’s going on?”

“Oh, nothing,” we say together.

“Just excited for it to start,” I say and kiss her cheek.

She settles back and reaches for our hands. She’s wearing her gloves, but these are special circ*mstances, so I wrap both of my hands around her gloved hand. Besides, what she did with her hands this morning… yeah, she gets a f*cking pass for that.

I watch her face as the lights dim. She’s a “classic” beauty (not that that actually means anything, but she has that "look"), long almost white blonde wavy hair, flawless porcelain skin, big blue eyes. She looks like a porcelain doll.

No one would ever know how assertive she is in bed. Her OCD aside, because that’s its own thing, she’s f*cking fearless, and she doesn’t even realize it. There have been some times when her OCD really did get in the way of things. Like when Kris was in his coma and a little after that. But now that she knows she can’t touch me with her gloves she’s stopped wearing them as much, and she’s also gotten way more inventive with her mouth. I shouldn’t support the latter, but damn if she isn’t the most creative lover I’ve ever had. Despite all that, I still like her fingers most of all. I rub them a little, remembering how much work they did this morning.

The dancers do a great job, and the lighting and sets and costumes, everything’s so beautiful and matches so well with the music Elsa composed. And even if she weren’t my girlfriend, I would still f*cking love this ballet. It's not just Arendellian with Ahtohallan melodies. She incorporated the rhythms so respectfully, and she used the right kinds of music at the right times. It's clear how much research she put into it so she could get it just right, and she f*cking nailed it. I’m so proud to be sitting next to her right now.

As soon as we finish gushing over her at intermission, along with all the patrons around us because they’ve figured out that Elsa’s the composer, she asks about Kris.

“So, where is he? I wanted to meet his parents.”

“Oh, um. After. They’re way up in the mezzanine and it would probably take too long to get up there and back before the next act."

“Oh. Ok.” She’s disappointed, but the alternative is actually telling her who they are, and then she’d really freak out. Well, not on the outside, but she’d be nervous as hell that Buldena was watching. I still can’t believe that Buldena is Kris’ mom. 20 f*cking years. I was playing with the son of one of the greatest living pop vocalists. Holy f*cking sh*t.

"Actually, his parents invited us over for dessert after the ballet."

"Oh! That's so sweet of them! I really can't wait! I bet they're so sweet."

"They are!" Anna says. I'm biting my lip so I don't laugh. Then Anna looks at me and winks.

*****

~ Kris ~

“Oooh! There’s Anna!” my mom points. “See? Right there in the front.” Of course she loves her. How could she not?

It’s really hard to miss her. Not just cause of her hair, but she has this kind of reddish gold aura. Seeing her down there reminds me of the first time I saw her, from behind the fence. I couldn’t really get a good enough look, but then I saw her from the stage I couldn’t believe how beautiful she actually was.

“So how did you two meet?” Dad asks. “You never really told us.”

“I saw her from the stage and I threw my guitar pick at her. She caught it.”

“Well, who wouldn’t want to catch your guitar pick?” Mom asks. I don't have the heart to tell her that Anna's the only one that ever has.

“Anna just reached her hand in the air and caught it. It was so cool.”

“And then?”

“Then she and Elsa came by the tour bus. Because Elsa was going on a date with HM. And Anna kind of got stuck sitting on the bus with me. And then next thing I know I’m getting married. But I sort of knew from the beginning that I was gonna fall in love with her.”

“Well, that’s just wonderful, son!”

“So… which one’s Elsa? The brunette? No, she looks Ahtohallan. Wait, is Anna Ahtohallan? She doesn’t look it.”

“No, that’s HM. Elsa’s the blonde.”

“Oh, that’s the famous HM? And that’s Elsa?”

“Yeah. So, um, I guess they’re coming back to our house for dessert after?"

"I made pineapple upside down cake!”

I am so going to regret this. I can’t believe I opened my stupid mouth to tell them that Elsa’s ballet was premiering. Of course they want to meet her. And now that they know HM is here… Ugh I really didn’t want HM to know. But seeing as she’s probably going to marry my future sister-in-law at some point, there’s probably no getting out of it. They would have met eventually.

"Oh, just get over it, Kristoff! You love these people. It's gonna be ok. Just roll with it!"

I roll my eyes and plant my chin on my palms and my elbows on my knees. Sure.

*****

~ Anna ~

“So, Elsa, um, there’s something I have to tell you about Kris’ parents.”

“It’s so nice of them to invite us over without even having met us!”

I’m glad she’s still wearing her gloves for this.

“So, his mom is… actually, she’s. Um… well…”

“His mom’s Buldena,” HM jumps in. It’s annoying, but I’m more focused on Elsa right now.

“What?”

“She’s Buldena. You know ‘Crystal Power’ Buldena? ‘Rocky Road’?” I do the hand gesture and she does the hand gesture.

“Really? Are you sure?”

“Yes, Els. I’ve seen her with my own two eyes. Plus her name is Buldena. And she’s wonderful. You’ll love her. But I just wanted to give you a head’s up.”

“Oh. Ok. Thanks.”

“That’s it?”

“I just saw my very first ballet premier, and it was very nerve wracking…”

“But f*cking brilliant!” HM says. I love how proud and supportive she is of Elsa.

“Thanks, Honey. But I mean, everything after that doesn’t seem so huge, I guess?”

Well, that's a change of pace!

When we pull up to the house they’re both surprised by how big and nice it is. Kris’ shirts almost always have holes in them and he only has two pairs of shoes. You would never think he grew up in a place like this. Not that his parents are fancy people, they’re actually quite humble like Kris, but it’s still a lot nicer than they were expecting. Kris is actually really going out of his comfort zone for this, but his mom insisted. She actually told him he was too old to be worried about what people thought of him. And then he whined like a little kid before he agreed. It was sort of adorable.

Buldena greets us and gives me a big hug, so tight she almost picks me up off the ground. Then she shakes me back and forth a few times before letting go. But Cliff’s there to make sure I don’t fall over after all of that.

“This your sister, Anna?”

“Yes, this is Elsa.”

“It’s such an honor to meet you, Miss Buldena,” she says with an outstretched hand.

“Oh, that just won’t do! You’re family now!” She envelopes Elsa in a large hug, too.

“Oh, you must be HM! We’ve heard so much about you!”

“Oh! Um…” She has to wonder if Kris told his mom about all the crappy stuff she’s said and done to him over the years. The answer is that he never says anything about HM that isn’t nice.

Then Grand Pabbie walks over with his walker.

“Well, Miss Anna, where’s your fiddle!”

Does he really want to play right now? Kris is shaking his head.

“Oh! Blonde Anna! Hello, what do you do?”

“Grand Pabbie, this is my sister Elsa.”

"You Anna's sister?"

“Yes. I play piano.”

“Why didn’t you say? We got a keyboard! What about you, miss?”

“I’m on vocals.”

“Oh, ok. You can sing with my little angel. She’s got the most heavenly voice. Have you heard her?”

“Stop it, Dad, you’re too much. It’s too late for all of that now.”

“Oh, fine! Anna,” he reaches for my hand, “I want to hear some fiddle tomorrow.”

I’m practically choking up right now. Grand Pabbie is basically begging me to play for him!

“You ever heard her play before?” he asks Elsa and HM, “It’s like nothing you ever heard. You'll have to play for them sometime, Anna.”

My cheeks are so warm I think my top might blow off.

“Yeah, Anna’s pretty incredible, but I’m sure she’ll sound better after she’s had a chance to sleep. We’ll have plenty of time to listen to her tomorrow.”

"Goodnight, Miss Anna," he says and kisses my hand.

Kris winks at me as he helps Grand Pabbie back to his room so he can sleep.

"Well, Anna, if it doesn't work out with Kris, there's always Grand Pabbie!" HM says. Buldena, who loves to laugh just as much as Kris, lets out a rumble and we all join in.

"Come on, ladies, let's go have some cake!"

*****

~ HM ~

“Well, that didn’t take long!” I look in the rear view and I can’t even see Anna, but I can hear her snoring and snorting. How can Kris even stand that?

Elsa giggles, “Yeah, she could sleep through anything.” I know it makes her nervous, though, because she’s adjusting her gloves. Part of the deal is that she wears her gloves when we’re in the car. I know, I know, it’s giving in to her compulsions, but she’s doing so well otherwise. I’m getting so used to her magic fingers. So, I guess, baby steps.

“So, Grand Pabbie really loves her. I mean, your ballet just premiered and she was all he could talk about.”

“Yeah, it was kind of sweet, though, wasn’t it?”

“He literally referred to you as ‘Blonde Anna’!”

That’s got her covering her mouth from laughing so hard, trying not to wake Anna. As if it could.

“I mean, we do look alike, don’t we? And I do have blonde hair.”

“I guess that’s true!”

But her laugh is infectious and I relish every single second, so now she’s got me cracking up. ‘Blonde Anna.’ It’s pretty f*cking funny.

Once our laughing subsides, Elsa gets a little more serious. “I’m so happy Kris is doing better. He seems so happy, doesn’t he?”

“Yeah, every time his drinking starts to get out of control he goes home and his mom whips him into shape. And then he comes back as the ‘Same Old Kris’.”

“Can you believe his mom is Buldena? I bet Anna freaked out when she found out. She’s one of her favorite singers. She was one of our mom’s favorite singers.”

It’s too bad her mom couldn’t hear her ballet. Cause it was f*cking fabulous. But I don’t want to bring the conversation down like that, not while we’re driving and that’s how she died. I can see her tighten her grip on the reindeer. So I start laughing.

“What’s so funny?”

Anna’s going to kill me... Let’s face it, she’s going to kill me one of these days anyway, but at least she’s a worthy opponent. But I’ll explain it later and she’ll understand.

“So Kris didn’t actually tell her before they met. Just showed up to the house and fell to the ground like a f*cking hyena.”

“I wish I could have seen that!”

Ok, Elsa’s totally distracted from her obsessions and she’s back to laughing.

“Kris will-”

“HM! Are you gonna just tell everyone!? Sometimes you’re just such a f*cking bitch! God!”

Now, that’s got us all cracking up, even Anna. She trying so cutely not to, but her scowl’s slowly fading. I look at her in the rear view, catch her eyes, and nod towards Elsa. She understands and backs off, a little.

“Could you just not say anything to the guys about it?”

“Do you really think Kris isn’t going tell everyone?”

She leans back and pouts. “He did say it was his best practical joke ever. He’s really proud of himself for it.”

“Hey, don’t worry. None of us will say anything, not even him. He doesn’t want anyone to know his mom is Buldena.”

“Oh, right. Ok. But it wasn’t funny! It was so embarrassing!”

Despite her protests, she laughs just as much as Elsa and I do. The she falls asleep again and stays that way til we get to Arendelle.

Once we drop her off, I ask Elsa, “So, Blonde Anna, you wanna go home now?”

“But I am home,” she says.

Holy f*cking sh*t. She’s not coming with me???

“I’m with you, aren’t I? And you’re home, wherever you are. In North Mountain, Arendelle, your tour bus. I’m with you and I’m not going anywhere else.”

Then she takes one of her gloves off so she can reach for my chin and kiss me like she did the first time, but better, cause now she knows what I like.

Once I get back to normal, I say, “Ok, well, let’s go to North Mountain then.”

I wait for her to put her glove back on, but she folds it up and sticks it in the drink holder.

I try to hide my smile so it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but I know she sees it. And she’s trying to hide her own smile, too, but she’s f*cking proud. As she should be.

All hail Queen Elsa!

Chapter 35: Happy Birthday Blues

Chapter Text

~ Anna ~

Ding, ding

It’s too f*cking early for that sh*t. I’m a goddamn musician! Who the f*ck would text me so early? I was having such a nice dream about Kris, too. We got a dog.

Oh. 9:00 am. Not that early.

Ohmygod, it’s Kris! Plus a text from Elsa and another from Kyra. I’ll look at them later.

I sit up and prop myself against the wall. It’s a morning selfie, and he’s so cute! God, I miss him so much. I haven’t heard from him since I left Living Rock, and that was a couple months ago. Why now? I mean, not complaining, but…

Ding, ding

Oh, Olaf. Whatever

Well, this is different! A close up of his chest. Oh my god I f*cking love him!!!

Ding, ding

Declan. What the f*ck? Back to Kris’ chest…

Of course I reach for my vibrator, and I’m about to shove it in…

Ding, ding

What? Kris? Ok. He’s allowed to interrupt.

K: Happy Birthday, Anna!

Oh! That’s right. 35.

K: Sorry I couldn’t be with you this morning

K: But I still wanted to make you come…

Holy sh*t! He sent me a dick pic! I really didn’t know he could make me blush like that when there’s no one else around.

But he definitely made me come.

A: Thank you :)

K: Happy to be of service!

This was a really nice surprise, and really as good as he could do long distance, but it’s not what I really wanted. I was really hoping after things went so well in Living Rock that he’d come home soon. I know he’s helping Grand Pabbie with his recordings, but I didn’t think it would take this long. I never imagined he wouldn’t be here for my birthday. I mean… shouldn’t he know by now that he can handle it?

And I’d totally stay with him in Living Rock if we weren’t getting ready for three back-to-back opera runs. It’s actually a little more work in the opera orchestra because I’m not as familiar with the repertoire. In the symphony, I’ve played everything in the library at least three times. With opera, I’ve played the overtures, and that’s pretty much it. I’ve heard my mom sing all the arias, and I’ve heard the accompaniment, but it’s not the same thing as playing it. Maybe in a couple of years I’ll be able to relax a bit.

I still have to go to rehearsal today, but at least I’m free for the evening. We’re having a special session at Oaken’s tonight for my birthday! Everyone’s coming in from North Mountain for it, too! I have a niggling thought that I’m not even going to entertain that maybe Kris will still surprise me.

I can’t help feeling a little disappointed. I think deep down I was hoping that maybe this would be the day that Kris would stand on my doorstep with his guitar and his duffel bag to tell me he’s home. Wishful thinking. I suppose I’m lucky to have gotten those pics from my fiance after not talking to me for so long. It was a great start to my birthday.

I pop in the shower, wondering when I can finally start the rest of my life. Because I’m in limbo right now. I feel stuck, no, trapped. And completely at his mercy. And of course I’m going to wait because he needs to do this and he needs my support, and I f*cking love him. But what if he never comes home? What if I don’t see him for another 5 years? I rotate my ring with my fingers. I haven’t taken it off since he gave it to me, and I'm not taking it off any time soon.

My email dings as I’m towel drying my hair.

Oh! It’s from Kris! It’s a video of him, his parents, and Grand Pabbie. The boys all have their guitars and Buldena’s holding onto the phone to record. She’s absolutely the most precious, and I can’t believe she’s going to be my mother-in-law! Whenever Kris decides to come home and marry me. Which may be 5 years.

They play Cliff and Buldena’s song, and then Kris takes a verse and he's singing directly at me. Eeeeehhh!!! And then they play “Happy Birthday Blues.”

I don’t have the happy birthday blues, though. I have the missing Kris blues.

I pick up the phone to call Kris, because I just need to hear his voice...

“Hey, Happy Birthday, Anna! Did you like the song?”

I giggle a little because Grand Pabbie’s in the background wanting Kris to tell me something, but I can’t quite hear what he’s saying.

“It was Granddad's idea, actually. He wanted to make sure I told you.”

“Yes, thank you! I loved it. And it was so nice to see your face today.”

“I know it just sort of came out of nowhere, but I didn’t want to miss your birthday. Wait… we’re still engaged, right? You haven't moved on?”

“Yes! Kris! Of course we are. But, you know what I really want for my birthday?”

“What’s that?”

“You! I want you! Can’t you just come visit for like a couple of days?”

Silence.

“We’re having a special session at Oaken’s for my birthday. Everyone’s coming in from North Mountain. They’d love to see you, too. Everyone misses you.”

More silence.

“Please, Kris? For my birthday? You could just stay one night. And I promise not to complain when you have to leave or try to get you to stay longer.” Ok, that's probably not something I can actually promise.

“Uhhhh…”

“Kris? Hello? Are you still there?”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Plus, Granddad’s not doing so well.”

“He seemed ok on the video. And on the phone just now.”

“He’s just really confused, and…”

“You live with your parents, who also live with your Granddad. You really don’t think they’d take care of him so you could come visit your fiancee that you haven’t seen in like two months on her birthday?”

“Look, Anna. I’m sorry, but I just… can’t.”

“Why? Why can’t you? And don’t say 'Granddad' because I know you’re just using him as an excuse.”

“Anna, I’m just not ready yet. I told you it could take awhile. I told you it could take a year.”

f*ck. I feel my blood boiling. Deep breath. In. Out. “I know. I'm sorry. You’re right. I just really f*cking miss you. And I loved your pics this morning. I really, really did, and will definitely use them in the future like so many times, but I really wanted you, though. Like the real you.”

“I know, and I miss you, too. But I’m trying to do the right thing here. And I don’t want to come home to you when I’m still broken. Just… I’m trying to do right by you.”

Doing right by me means coming home. Now. But I also know he’s right. And he did say his home was with me.

“I know, Kris. I’m sorry. It’s not fair to ask. I know you’re working on it and you’ll come home to me when you know you’re ready.”

“I’m sorry, too. It’s so hard for me. Especially when Granddad keeps asking when you’re gonna come over with your fiddle.”

Awwww. “He does?”

“Yeah. And he also tells me how stupid I am for not going back to you already.”

Well? Ok, that’s not fair. I just need to be a little more patient and trust that Kris is doing everything he needs to do to make this right.

“But you want to come back to me? Is it still what you want, though?”

“Of course that’s what I want!”

Silence.

f*ck. It’s so much harder to be patient with Kris than it was with Hans. I really thought this would be easier.

“I love you, Anna. I’m so sorry to put you through this. And I’ll still understand if you want to move on.”

“Move on!? Seriously? Is that really what you want?”

“Well, no, but…”

"Is that why you're not coming home?"

"Anna..."

“No! f*ck you, Kris!”

I don’t even bother to end the call, I just throw my phone across the room and yell. Then I cry into my pillow for a minute. That wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair at all. I find my phone and the screen's cracked a little. But Kris had obviously ended the call.

Great, now he’ll never come home.

Ding, ding

My heart stops. Maybe...

Nope. f*cking HM.

*****

~ Kris ~

"Hello? Anna? You still there?"

Dial tone

I can't really move right now. But it's fine.

"f*ck you, Kris... [dial tone].

I'm pretty sure she just broke up with me. But it's fine.

I mean, I guess it was going to happen eventually. I was going to screw it up one way or another. I'm actually surprised it lasted as long as it did.

No, she didn’t break up with me. Did she?

I’m not going to call her back and ask. Not when she’s that upset. I have to give it some time so she can calm down.

I’m pretty sure she broke up with me. I can’t believe she broke up with me. Yes, I can. She had no business being with someone like me anyway. I’m too old for her and she’s way too hot for me. Not to mention my little problem that would have plagued her for the rest of her life. It’s bad enough that it has to ruin my life, but she doesn’t deserve to have her life ruined because of it. She definitely doesn't deserve that.

*****

~ Elsa ~

It still makes me nervous being in the car. But Honeymaren is driving and she’s such a good driver. I look down at my gloves. They’re fingerless, and they basically only cover my palm, with just one velcro strap at my wrist. It was Ryder’s idea, actually. One of his customers was wearing gloves like that. He suggested that maybe showing more skin would help me ease into no gloves. It did make me a little uncomfortable at first, but now they’re the only gloves I wear. But, I still can’t touch Honeymaren when I’m wearing them.

She's wearing really short shorts and I need to touch her. So I slip one of the gloves off and put my hand on her thigh.

She smiles back, “Hey, Darling. Glad to have you over. If we were alone, I’d pull over so I could give you a proper welcome.”

I look in the backseat and Sven, Olaf, and Ryder are passed out. They’re so cute. Sven’s legs are stretched across Olaf and Ryder. Their legs are all gonna hurt so much when they wake up.

“We’d be late for Anna’s party anyway. I want to make sure everything’s perfect for her. You know, in case..."

"In case Kris doesn’t show up? That asshole! Hasn’t he kept her waiting long enough?”

“He’s trying to do the right thing, you know. These things don’t happen overnight.”

“No, he’s being a puss*. He always pulls this sh*t. Can’t make a decision so doesn't do anything. He needs to take a sh*t or get off the f*cking pot.”

Ok, it is kind of funny to hear her talk like that, but she’s not really being fair. He loves her, like really loves her, and he’s a good person, and there’s no way he’d jerk her around like that. He’ll come back when he thinks he’s ready. Whenever that is, and not a second later.

"Did you really just call my sister a toilet?"

"Oh, you know what I meant." She reaches over to tickle and I scream. But she never loses control of the car and she never takes her eyes of the road. I take my other glove off.

*****

~ Anna ~

This is so pathetic. I’m just sitting here in the pub at 4pm on a Thursday. On my birthday. There’s no one here. And I can’t even drink.

f*cking Kris. No messages. Lots of messages from friends and Elsa, and everyone’s coming tonight. All the guys from the session, even Sean, Kyra, a couple of friends from the opera, Elsa and the gang from North Mountain. They’re all coming.

Except the one person I actually want to see. Not that I don’t want to see everyone, but I just really, really miss Kris.

I keep typing out texts to him and then deleting them. Hovering my finger over the icon for his phone number.

It’s just really hard to believe that he needs all this time to “get better” if he was totally fine when I saw him. Something doesn’t feel right. It just feels like he doesn’t actually want to be with me. If he did, he’d be here. But it’s only 4pm. Maybe he’ll surprise me.

I’ve got my violin tucked under my arm and I start plucking out “Happy Birthday Blues.”

“Oh, what’s got you down, Birthday Girl?”

“Matt! Hi!”

He leans over to kiss my cheek and gets his bodhran ready to give me some rhythm.

We play a few times through the progression, he takes a drum solo, which is so badass.

“So… no Kris?” he asks as he forces my scroll down so I have to stop playing.

“Yeah. I don’t know. I don’t think he’s coming.” I shrug my shoulders and avoid eye contact, but he gently places his finger under my chin so I have to look at him.

“Well, you’ve got so many people that love you coming tonight. Just to celebrate Little Miss Feistypants.”

“I know. I just really miss him.”

“I know.” He gives me a hug, but it doesn’t really help.

Now people are trickling in, and every time the door opens, I’m just disappointed it’s not him…

“Anna!”

Ok, I’m not disappointed to see Elsa, for sure. I don’t think I’ve ever hugged her more tightly.

“It’s ok. We’re gonna have a good time. It’s your birthday! And it's going to be perfect! And I have a surprise for you. For later. I know you’ll like it.”

“Surprise?” Ok, I forgot about Kris for like 2 seconds. Point, Elsa.

"Unless your surprise is Kris, it's not going to be perfect."

She rubs my back and tells me she loves me.

But I just want to hear Kris say it.

*****

~ HM ~

“Wait, where did Anna go?” Elsa asks, worried.

She’s been gone for a long time. Did she really have to take that big of a dump in the middle of her own party? Either that, or… maybe Kris actually called her back?

“Maybe she went outside. I'll go take a look.”

Sigh. I wish I could just get her a whiskey and we could clink glasses on the curb.

There she is. “Hey.” I kick her side lightly and she doesn’t even move.

"What're you doing out here all by yourself?"

"In case Kris comes."

She's so f*cking sad. No one deserves this on their birthday.

I sit down and move a glass in front of her face.

“HM! You know I’m not drinking anymore.”

“Even if you and Kris are over?"

"I promised him. And I don't want to go back on that. Even if I never see him again."

"Relax, Princess. It’s a ginger ale.”

“Oh.”

“My gift to you. Now, you’re sitting outside while all your friends, who've come to visit from near and far, are celebrating your birthday inside. Elsa worked really hard on your gift. You at least owe it to her to hear it.”

“I don’t know, HM, I’m just not in the f*cking mood, alright?” She curls her head into her knees.

God, she’s such a brat sometimes. “I know. It sucks that Kris isn’t here. And I promise you I’m gonna kick his f*cking ass if he does decide to show up…”

“You’d do that?” she scowls.

Right. Can’t say anything bad about Kris in front of Anna. Kris, who moves the sun to rise in the morning. Kris, the whole reason pentatonics exist at all. Kris, who can’t even f*cking show up to his fiancee’s god damn birthday party.

“I would.”

“He’s not even answering my calls. I’ve called him like 30 times to apologize, and I’ve texted, and I think it’s really the end! I just don't think he's coming back to me. Like ever.”

I fold her into my lap and let her cry it out. I brush her hair with my fingers, all the things I did to make Ryder feel better when Sonia broke up with him. Good riddance, I couldn't stand that bitch anyway.

“So did he break up with you?”

“Well, no… we sort of had a fight, though, and now he won’t answer his phone.”

“About him not coming to Arendelle?”

“Yes! What else? Jeez!”

“Ok, ok. Sorry. I’m listening. Go on.”

“I did the breathing thing I learned in therapy, you know, to control my feelings. I was doing so well. And then he suggested that maybe I might want to move on from him, and I lost control of my feelings.”

“Well, he knows you’re passionate …” Euphemism. I don’t usually sugarcoat things, but it’s her f*cking birthday and her so-called fiance stood her up so I'm not gonna straight up tell her she's got an anger management issue. Besides, I'm so proud of her for working on it.

“HM, you don’t understand! The last thing I said to him was… was… was… was ‘f*ck you, Kris’! And now he won’t even talk to me!”

Wow. Would Kris just dodge her calls after that? Absolutely. He’s such a f*cking puss*. But he’ll probably come around. I bet he’ll show up at her door tomorrow morning, once he’s had some time to think about it. Unless...

No. There's no f*cking way he'd start drinking again. No way.

*****

~ Kris ~

I’m obviously not going to Anna’s birthday party. Or Arendelle. Probably ever again. Can't be around Granddad and Mom asking me where Anna is and why I didn't go to Arendelle to be with her. They don't understand. I have to get out of the house, though. There’s exactly one punk bar in all of Living Rock, that’s where I’m going. Hear some sh*tty music. Like not the polished punk we - ugh the Reindeer Herders minus me - play. If you can even call it punk anymore. I’m gonna hear the real stuff. I’ll be the oldest one there, but maybe no one will notice or care. I just want to drown my mind out. And I need something loud and vacant for that.

These guys have so much energy. That used to be me. I used to have that much energy. Seriously, what happened to the last 20 years of my life? Maybe because that’s what I started out as and it’s what I continued to be until I gradually aged out of it. But when did that happen?

Well, there’s the mosh pit, with all those guys wearing spiked jewelry and steel-toed boots, and there’s the bar, with empty seats and liquor. I touch my sides. Yeah, I'm f*cking fragile.

I don’t have to drink to sit at the bar. But that's where I belong because the bartender's the only one even close to my age, though he's probably more like Anna's age.

“So, what’ll it be?”

“Oh, um, nothing. I just want to sit.”

“Either buy a drunk or get the f*ck out of here!”

“Fine. I’ll have a co*ke.”

He grumbles but gets me my drink.

What the hell? They’re totally covering “Reindeers are Better than People.” f*ck, I’m old. I’m so old. I don’t even know what I’m doing here. Why did I think it was a good idea?

Afterwards, I go say ‘hi’ to the singer.

“Hey, man, I’m-”

“No f*cking way! Kristoff Bjorgman? Here. You saw our set?”

“Yeah. Um. Yeah, I liked what you did with my song.”

“Oh, f*ck, I hope you don’t mind. I just love all the classic Reindeer Herders sh*t, you know..."

Classic? Knives to the heart.

"...I mean, everyone loves that song. It’s on the Rolling Stone top 100 best punk songs of all time. I mean, if you read that kind of bullsh*t propaganda...”

I smirk. We understand each other. He's a sellout, too.

“Yeah. We have a few others there, too.”

“Oh, right on. Yeah. I mean, whoa, this is such a f*cking honor. Lemme, lemme buy you a drink or something.”

“Um, ok.”

I’ll just get a co*ke again. No problem.

What time is it anyway? Still no calls or texts from Anna. No emails. No Instagram posts. f*ck. How did I even get into this mess?

Well, if Anna’s never going to talk to me again…

One whiskey co*ke won’t hurt. I can have one. Just one. To take the edge off.

“So, why do you keep looking at your phone? Waiting for your connection?”

“I got in a fight with my fianceeeee, and I’m pretty sh…sure she not my fianceeeee an'more, but dunno. Guess I wait for her to…. Call…me…”

“Oh, that blows. Why did she break up with you?”

“Cause I haven’t seen or talked to her for a couple months and she wan' me ta come see'er on her birfday.”

“Are you f*cking kidding me with this sh*t, Kris? What the f*ck is wrong with you? I mean, respect and all, but damn, dude. That’s such an easy fix! It's her f*cking birthday!”

He’s right.

“Yeah! I’m just go'a go see herrrr.”

“Hell yeah!”

Where's my wallet? Check to see if my pick is still there. Ok, it is.

The guy says, “No, no, no, I got it. My thank you for actually getting to hang out with you. This was seriously so cool. Like I had a poster of the Reindeer Herders on my wall in high school.”

"Yer so... young. An' I'm so... old. Too old fer Ann- but she make me fil, s'young..."

"Just go get your girl, man. You deserve to be happy."

"No, dun deserrrve that, but Ann- does. Y'know, I was in coma bou 6 mos ago, an she's d'only reason I'm alive. Cuz she's there th'whole time. Y'know she's give me a blow j*b when woke up..." f*ck! I shouldn't have said that! Anna would be so mad...

"Nice! Yeah, you better hold on to that one!"

"Yeah, be'er go play'er like guitar. Y'know women love that. Jus' y'know pretend she's your guitar. She'll sceam s'loud."

“Haha, yeah, I'll definitely try that next time. Thanks for the tip."

"Ok, seeya."

"Whoa, you ok to drive, though? I could take you home and you could get your car tomorrow.”

“Oh, yeah. Defin- definit- defni'ly ok. I did' drink a llllot. An- I'm so tall.”

If I could get to my car without tripping. No, it's not me, it's my shoelace. I never tie them tight enough. And if I can open the door. For some reason, the key won't go in. Oh, wrong one! Haha! That’s hilarious. It's just dark and hard to see.

I love punk, but I just need something different right now. sh*t, I really need to go to the eye doctor. It's so hard to read. Yeah, rockabilly! That's what I need right now.

“Well I was cruisin’ Texarkana in my Cadillac

We were giggin’ Louisiana and a comin’ back…”

Oh! Wayne Hanco*ck. Turn that sh*t up. Wayne “The Train.” Met him once at a festival. Very cool dude.

What's that noise? It's so loud! I just wanna listen to Wayne “The Train.” What the f*ck?

“Hey Johnny Law, why you pickin' on me?

Hey Johnny Law…”

f*ck. Cops. No, it's f*cking hilarious! Oh my god. This is... this is just. It's f*cking hilarious! I mean, you can't f*cking make this sh*t up!

God, why does he have to tap so loud, though? I f*cking know he's there.

“Son, roll down your window.”

Which button… I really can’t stop laughing. I need to stop, though, because this is probably serious. No, it’s probably just my tail light or something. No. Oh crap! I forgot to register my car in Living Rock. No…I didn't need to cause it's registered in Arendelle. Cause that's home. Where I'm going.

“Are you aware you just drove by a stop sign without stopping?”

“Oh, I di’t see stop sign.”

God, that light is so bright. Why is he shining that at me?

“Have you had anything to drink tonight?”

“Wha? I meannnnnn, long time 'go.” Why the hell can’t I stop laughing?

“I’m gonna need you to step out of the vehicle.”

f*cking shoelace. At least he lets me fix it.

“Hold your hands out like this. And then bend your arms to touch your nose.” Ha ha, I can’t find my nose! I can't feel it. If I can't feel it, how can I find it?

“Ok, now recite the alphabet backwards.”

There’s no way I can do that sober. f*ck. He thinks I’m not sober. That’s why he pulled me over! He thinks I’m f*cking drunk! I'm not drunk, obviously, but I'm also not exactly sober. Ok, suddenly this is a lot less funny.

“Ok, can you walk that line?" No... still funny.

"Because you're mine, I'll walk the line."

"Just try to stay on the line, JC.”

"Better walk the line... better show me a squeezin' pleasin' kinda time!"

“Ok, Shania. What’s your real name? Lemme see some ID.”

“Kristoff Bjorgman.” Maybe he’ll be a Reindeer Herders fan and tell me to be careful next time.

He hands my license to other cop and has me lean over the hood. It's still f*cking funny. But ow! My head is ringing now.

“I’m just on my way to see my fiancee, it’s her birthday, and I’m late, and I really f*cked up and I really just have to see her. So can I just go? She's gonna leave me if I don't go see her.”

He's making my shoulders hurt, and... oh, he's cuffing me. It's too tight and it f*cking hurts.

“Well, she’s gonna have to visit you over at County because I’m placing you under arrest for driving while intoxicated.”

“I bet you was wishin’ I was guilty, Johnny Law. Hey, Johnny Law, why you pickin’ on me…”

“You have the right to an attorney, if you can’t afford one, one will be provided to you free of charge.”

“Hey, hey, hey, Johnny Law…”

“Anything you say, sing, or do may be used against you in a court of law. So maybe you can just shut the f*ck up? If you know what’s good for you?”

Yeah, this is f*cking hilarious! I can’t wait to tell Anna. f*ck.

“Ann’s gonna hate me. She n'gonna vis' me. She gonna be s'disap... disapp...pointed an' she 'ready broke up s'me but now she’s gonna hate me and…”

“Yeah, yeah, tell it to your celly. Cause you're spending the night.”

"Just to help her lose, those happy birthday blues..."

Chapter 36: Me and the Devil

Chapter Text

~ Kris ~

Oh my god, my head feels like it's been split in half... And why is there so much noise?

My hip doesn’t usually hurt this bad. And my shoulder, my neck. I can't even feel my arm. f*ck. Maybe I’m older than I thought.

I reach my hand behind me to see if Anna’s there, like I do every morning when she's not in front of me. She’s not because she never is. I don’t even know why I bother checking.

It’s so f*cking bright. Oh no…

I just threw up all over the floor. But at least it wasn’t Anna’s shoes.

“Can’t keep it in, Borgman? Doesn’t look good for your case now, does it?”

He slides his battery stick along the metal bars...

Oh no. No no no no no no no… no. Just. This can’t be happening… I know why I’m here. At least I think I do. I sort of remember a little. But just… f*ck. Really?

Maybe I’m dreaming. If I close my eyes I’ll wake up in Anna’s bed instead. Or anywhere other than... here.

“Let’s go, Borgman. Your lawyer’s here.”

Loaded sigh.

“Hey, Kris."

"Hey, Ramona. Thanks for coming" I must have found her number in the yellow pages, because it's not in my new phone.

"So, it looks like you got yourself into a predicament.”

“Yeah, I guess I did.” I lean over the metal table and can’t even lean as far as I want because of how they have me cuffed to the table.

“Well, let’s see what we can do to get you out of it, mkay?"

There’s no way I’m getting out of this. I deserve to be here. At least I think I do.

“Mmmm. Did you really sing all the way to the jail?”

“I don’t really remember.”

"You sang to me on the phone. Do you remember that?"

"I don't even remember calling you."

She sings, "I love up the way you move, I love the way you rap, bah bah, Ramona, please step back..."

f*ck. I'd probably be singing "Waiting for My Ruca" to her now if I saw her in the grocery store or the pub. As happy as I am to see her, I don't feel like singing now.

She looks down at her chart and squints up at me, her pen pressed to her temple.

“Says here you told the arresting officer that Elsa told you to walk the line and you couldn’t walk the line, and that you were laughing when you couldn't walk straight... Walk the line... Like the Johnny Cash song?”

I try to reach my hands behind my head but I can’t. “Yeah, I probably said that.”

“Hmmm. Do you remember how much you had to drink?”

“No.”

“Well, where were you going?”

“See Anna.”

“Anna?”

“Oh, yeah, she’s my fiancee. In Arendelle. I mean, she’s not. Anymore. She broke up with me because I wouldn’t go home for her birthday, and then I realized I was being stupid so I went to see her. Which was apparently also pretty stupid.”

“You’re really not giving me much to work with here.”

“I’m guilty. I’ll plead guilty.”

“You realize you could be sentenced for up to 12 years in prison?”

“What, you’re gonna tell them I’m innocent?”

“Well, no, obviously you’re not. Plus they’ve got lots of evidence against you. And there doesn’t seem to be anything illegal about the arrest. You ran the stop sign, yes?”

“Well, I don’t remember... but I think I remember them saying something like that. When I looked back the stop sign was there. Does that help?”

“Mmmm… You not stopping means you probably didn’t see it, maybe…because you were under the influence? We'd have to prove you were under the influence so that's why you didn't see it and that would be, well, it’s just not the best defense, is it?”

“So… then what? What other options are there?”

“Well, you didn’t have any passengers, you didn’t hit anyone, you didn’t hit anything, and you weren't driving illegally other than your BAC being... 0.16?"

She leans back, pen to the corner of her mouth, astonished. I thought she was going to say something about how much I drank.

"And that's another thing. You let them do a breathalyzer test? Kris! We've been through this! Always say..." She motions for me to chime in.

"No. I know, I know. But I really don't even remember that, to be honest."

She sighs with exasperation. I'm sure I'm not her favorite client, but she really should have known what she was getting into when I met her on the van 15 years ago or so. She was sleeping naked on the couch because our drummer at the time... what was her name? Darla, I think. She got her so wasted that she never even made it to her bunk. I put a blanket on her, made her some coffee, and helped her with her hangover. "Well, it’s been several years since the last time and you haven’t had any other incidents since then. I think we can negotiate some leniency.”

“What does leniency look like?”

“I don’t know yet. We’ll have to wait for the prosecutor’s offer. But maybe we can do some house arrest, probation, deferred adjudication, that kind of thing. That way you won’t be in prison the whole time.”

Ugh. The whole time? I move to put my hands on my face and I can’t even f*cking reach.

“I doubt they’ll agree to no prison time, though. Not this time."

I can't reach my f*cking face! God damn it! The best I can do is squeeze my eyes shut.

"I’ll do my best, Kris.”

I know she will. But it doesn’t matter anyway. There’s no Anna anymore.

*****

~ Anna ~

It’s been a couple of weeks since my birthday, since the last time I talked to Kris. I’ve called him no less than 20 times a day, and texted twice as many times, and his voicemail is full. I’ve emailed, I’ve DMed. How many times can I apologize before I realize it’s over and he'll never forgive me?

I’ve replayed that video he made with his family, and looked at the texts and the pics he sent that day. But it isn’t enough. I can never be close enough to Kris. But I got greedy and needy, and... so selfish. He's trying to get better, and he's obviously working really hard at it, and me getting mad at him probably didn't help. Probably just made it worse.

I roll over to my side and twist my ring. I should probably just take it off. He’s obviously not coming home. Ever.

I put my fingers on either side of it, ready to pull it off, but I just can’t.

Ding, ding

Email alert. Whatever. Some store I went to one time but will never go to again is probably having a sale and I have exclusive access, blah, blah, blah.

No... Holy sh*t! I sit up and tuck my feet under me.

Anna,

You probably hate me. And you have every right to. I tried so hard to make things right that I made them wrong. And I should have been there for your birthday. I should have come home to you a while ago, even before that. But I’m a coward, and I was so scared of messing up that I just didn’t even try. And it’s too late now.

What!? No. No no no no no no no. No.

I’m so sorry for everything I put you through. I never meant for you to get hurt, it was the last thing I wanted. And I know you already broke up with me, but I'm sorry for saying this to you in an email instead of a phone call. The truth is, I don’t think I’d be able to say goodbye if I heard your beautiful voice. I love you so much, Anna. Honestly, this is killing me, but it’s for the best.

What? How is this for the best?

I’ll never forget you, but I want you to forget about me. I want you to move on with your life and be happy. Find someone your own age that can wake up next to you every morning. I won't be able to give that to you anymore, not that I ever really have. You deserve to be with someone in your bed and not your phone. You deserve better than me.

Love always,

Kris

I pick up the phone to call him, but his number’s been disconnected. I type a quick email.

Kris, I love you. Please don’t do this. I want you in my life no matter how far away you are. Just don’t leave me!

An auto-response message: This user account has been terminated.

Instagram? Terminated. Facebook? Terminated.

He wanted to get away from me so badly that he deleted all traces on social media and every way I had to get in touch with him? He’s made it impossible for me to find him. He just f*cking disappeared!

I wish I could be mad at him. But all I feel is deep sadness. It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and I’ll never be able to put it back in. I lay back down and clench my left hand. Suddenly I’m so worried that I’ll lose the ring. It’s more precious to me now than ever. And I’m never taking it off. Because I know he’ll come back to me. This can’t be the end. There's no way this is over. I just know it. But my heart's broken all the same.

*****

~ HM ~

“Uhhhhhhhmotherf*ckingco*cksuckingjerkasswipec*nt… Ughhhhhh!!!”

“You ever seen her like this before?” I ask Elsa. We were enjoying a nice breakfast of eggs, toast, and coffee. I offered some to Anna, but she’d rather have a tantrum instead. You’d at least think it got her to work up an appetite, but apparently not, because she’s been going at this for 30 minutes.

“Sometimes it used to happen when she woke up thinking Kris was there and he wasn’t. But it wasn’t nearly this bad before.”

“You don’t seem super concerned.” She's not wearing her gloves so I play with her fingers.

“She’ll wear herself out eventually. Trust me, you do NOT want to go in there right now.”

“You know, I really want to punch him right now. I mean, there were so many times I’ve wanted to punch him over the years, but ultimately just rolled my eyes and thought, ‘Well, Kris'll be Kris!’ But not this time. This time he’s gone too far.”

“You really think he wanted to hurt Anna? I don’t believe that for a second.”

“Maybe not, but he sure as hell is torturing her. I never imag-”

“Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!”

Damn, that's loud.

Clunk, clunk

And now I guess she's throwing things, too.

And now it's finally quiet and I can barely make out the sobs.

“Ok, now it’s time!” Elsa says as she stands. She’s not annoyed at all. She must have to do this all the time. I wonder what Anna does when Elsa's not here.

“Big sister mode engaged!” I smack Elsa’s ass as she walks by and she turns back to me with a tantalizing giggle.

"Well, come, on, 'big sister'!"

I guess I better go help. She might need back-up if Anna starts throwing things again. I put my coffee mug on the table and stand behind her.

Peering over her shoulder, I can see just exactly how hot of a mess Anna is.

Damn. Kris did this to her?

My hand clenches into a fist and my jaw clicks. How f*cking dare he?

*****

~ Elsa ~

“Anna? Anna, what’s wrong?”

She sobs harder and Honeymaren asks, “What’s going on?”

“It’s Krrrriiiiissssss!” Anna says as she wipes the snot from her nose. Some things never change, do they?

“Here, Sis,” I say as I hand her a tissue from the box that’s definitely within arm’s reach of her.

“Thaaaaannkkksss!” she says as she blows her nose.

“So what happened, hmm?” I run my pinky from her hairline to the tip of her nose, the way Mom used to. She finally settles enough to have a conversation but hands me her phone instead.

Whoa.

I don’t even know what to think of that.

“Let me see.”

I hand the phone to Honeymaren. She grumbles, but doesn’t say anything.

“He’s gone! His phone’s disconnected he’s deleted his Facebook and Instagram accounts. He wanted to get away from me so bad that he erased his whole identity!”

“I’m sure this has nothing to do with you…”

“Then how come I was going to marry the love of my life one day and the next he completely disappeared off the face of the planet!?”

“Well, I-”

“Because he’s a f*cking puss* and you deserve better!” I didn’t realize how much anger Honeymaren was holding in because of this whole thing. I can’t believe I didn’t notice before, but him staying away hurt her, too. It hurt her a lot. She lost her best friend.

*****

~ Kris ~

There’s a lot of things I’m going to miss. Anna more than anything or anyone, but I already missed her, didn’t I?

There’s my parents, of course, but I know my mom will try to see me even though I said I don’t want her to.

There’s Granddad. I probably won’t ever see him again. This is probably really goodbye.

There’s the Reindeer Herders and Elsa and Ryder. I didn’t mean to say goodbye to them, but when I said goodbye to Anna, I said goodbye to them, too.

There’s my guitar. My guitar pick.

“Did you tell Anna what was going on?”

“No. But it’s over anyway.”

“She loves you so much, son. This isn’t going to change that.”

My mom holds my head to her chest and tells me it’s going to be ok. “This is just a small pause in your life. It’ll go by before you know it. True, life will go on, but that one’s not going anywhere. She’ll wait for you, I’m sure of it.”

“It’s not fair to her, though.”

“Why don’t you let her decide what’s fair.” She holds my head in her hands and looks directly in my eyes. “You deserve love, Kristoff. Let that woman love you.”

“I can’t. I can’t do that to her.” I pull my head out of her grasp.

She shakes her head and walks to the kitchen, then returns with something sweet. “I made you carrot cake, your favorite.”

“Last meal, you mean?”

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic!”

I’m not really sure what she doesn’t get about this scenario. I’m going to prison. Not County. Prison. This time tomorrow I’ll be pissing into a metal toilet and trying not to think about how I had everything I ever wanted but screwed everything up.

I know I need to say goodbye to Granddad, but it’s gonna be too hard. I just lay on my bed fiddling around on the guitar, squeezing Anna’s pick.

“Hey, Krissy. Come on outside. Let’s play together a little.”

He strums an A chord then noodles once I jump in. Then he leads into the song. It's "Me and the Devil Blues."

Early this mornin, when you knocked upon my door,

Early this mornin, when you knocked upon my door,

And I said, “Hello, Satan, I believe it’s time to go.

I should probably be offended by his choice of song. But he’s right. I am about to meet the devil. Except I’m gonna knock on his door in the morning. This is the song Robert Johnson must have sung after he chose the devil at the crossroads.

“Go on, son!”

I push everything outside of my mind, even Anna, because there’s no use in dwelling on her. I’ll have years for that. All I have with Granddad is right now, and I don’t want to waste it.

Then he switches gears and starts singing "Midnight Special." He's imitating Lead Belly's 12 string guitar style, so I give him some vocal harmonies to match.

If you ever go to Houston, oh you better walk right

And you better not squabble and you better not fight

Bashin' Bronco will arrest you, Eddie Boone will take you down

You can bet your bottom dollar, penitentiary bound

Let the Midnight Special shine her light on me

Now, let the Midnight Special shine her ever-lovin' light on me

He stops his hands on his strings. “You know, that Lead Belly escaped from the chain gang? Then he sang his way out of prison two other times. You ever hear that one?”

"Yeah, well, singing's what got me into jail in the first place."

"You are your mother's son, you know. You've got all the best parts of her."

I know I should just accept his nice words and keep them with me and cherish them, but it's just too f*cking much right now. I'm this close to f*cking falling apart.

“You heard this one? About another train?” I know he's heard "Folsom Prison Blues," which is why it's funny.

I hear the train a comin'

It's rolling round the bend

And I ain't seen the sunshine since I don't know when

I'm stuck in Folsom prison, and time keeps draggin' on

But that train keeps a rollin' on down to San Antone.

“Yeah, you know, that Mr. Johnny Cash, he was a nice man. It’s too bad you never got to meet him.”

I wonder what Elsa would say if she knew my granddad went on tour with him.

“It’s ok. I know him well enough.”

I shot a man in Reno

Just to watch him die…

“Now you know that’s not what he was really like!”

We completely stop playing and laugh instead.

When we finally come to, I’m wiping tears from my eyes. I don’t want him to see me cry. I want to be strong. But who am I kidding. I’m not strong. If I were, I’d be in Arendelle right now instead of waiting for the Midnight Special.

“You got any punk songs about prison?"

"Oh, yeah. Tons. Let's see." I roll my eyes back to pick the perfect one for Granddad. I go with The Clash, the band that got me into in punk in the first place. "Ok, Granddad, this one's called 'Jail Guitar Doors'. You ready?"

"If you talk any more I won't even make it to the chorus!"

He's probably right. It's getting late. So I start with the chorus.

Clang clang, go the jail guitar doors
Bang bang, go the boots on the floor
Cry cry, for your lonely mother's son
Clang clang, go the jail guitar doors

"What's that smile for?"

"Cause I forgot one." He chuckles and does a cute intro.

I had a friend named Ramblin' Bob

"Oh, come on! Really? Jimmie Rogers? Couldn't you have at least used the Johnny Cash lyrics?"

Who used to steal, gamble and rob
He thought he was the smartest guy in town
But I found out last Monday
That Bob got locked up Sunday
They've got him in the jailhouse way downtown

He laughs a belly laugh, followed by a cough. "It was either that or 'Jailhouse Rock,'" he wheezes out.

"Fine!" I join him for the chorus. Even though "In the Jailhouse Now" is one of the most obnoxious songs I've ever heard. Now I know it'll be in my head for a week. But at least it'll be Granddad's voice singing it.

He's in the jailhouse now, he's in the jailhouse now
I told him once or twice
To quit playing cards and shooting dice
He's in the jailhouse now
Oh-lay-ee-ee-ee, oh-dee-oh-dee-ee-ee
Ah-dee-oh-lay-ee-ee-dee-del-ee-dee, oh-lay-ee

Granddad does a flourish to take us to the end of the phrase.

“You know, Krissy, I had lots of friends ended up in the Big House at one point or another. But life goes on. You know, you’re not on death row.”

“Sure feels like it.”

“That’s just cause you broke it off with Anna.”

f*ck. Even he thinks it was a mistake.

“So you messed up. It's ok. But that doesn't mean you're not good enough for her. You belong together. And time won't change that. So when you get out, you know, you write her a little love song. She’ll like that. I saw the way she looked at you when you played for her. Yeah, she’ll like that. You write her a love song, and you’ll get her back.”

There’s no point in even thinking about this because she will have moved on by then. And even if she hasn’t, she won’t want to marry an ex-con. Not to mention that I’ll probably be all gray by the time I get out. She always says she likes that I'm a little older, but that will probably change when she sees how much older I will have gotten by then.

I strum out some A and D chords, and Granddad’s fingers ghost the strings, waiting for me to lead.

“This one of Anna’s songs?” he asks.

I look up at him slightly and nod. "The Fields of Athenry."

By a lonely prison wall

I heard a young girl calling

Michael they are taking you away

For you stole Trevelyans corn

So the young might see the morn

Now a prison ship lay waiting in the bay

It's a little somber to end our jam session on, so he comes back with “Me and the Devil Blues”:

You may bury my body
Down by the highway side

Then Granddad says:

Baby, I don't care where you bury my body when I'm dead and gone
You may bury my body, whoooo

And then we harmonize to finish the song.

Down by the highway side
So my old evil spirit
Can get a Greyhound bus and ride

“Just write her a love song, huh? What’ll you have to lose anyway?”

Chapter 37: Funeral Furlough, Part 1

Chapter Text

Some Say the Devil is Dead

~ Anna ~

“See you on Wednesday,” Matt says as he walks out the door.

“Thanks, Anna!” Declan says as he kisses my cheek.

I’m having so much fun with these Sunday sessions. And we’re getting to be more and more like a band. Finn actually just finished up some recordings for us, and we’ve got a bunch of Winter Holiday paying gigs coming up. And then there’s St. Patty’s Day at Oaken’s right around the corner…

I hum that last tune we played, “ Some Say the Devil is Dead ,” while I put my fiddle away.

“Some say the devil is dead, the devil is dead, the devil is dead

Some say the devil is dead, and buried in Killarney.”

I run my thumb over Kris’ guitar pick for just a second after I close the Velcro over my fiddle.

“Hey, Anna,” Casey says from behind me.

I jump a little, but I don’t drop the pick. I quickly put it back and zip the case, a little annoyed that he interrupted a lovely memory, before turning to give him my attention.

“Hey, Casey.” Finn’s cousin is kind of easy on the eyes and he has a cute accent. I probably would have already f*cked him if I hadn’t f*cked Kris first.

“So, I was wondering, you know, I’m sort of new in town, and did you know of any good places to eat?”

“Ummmm… What kind of food do you like?”

“To be honest, it doesn’t really matter. What do you like?”

Wait… he’s totally asking me out! Flattering, but…

“Casey, um, you’re a really cool guy, but I’m engaged.”

“Are you really, though, because I’ve been playing in your band for a couple of months now, and I’ve never met the guy. No one talks about him. Come on, Anna, if you don’t want to go out with me you could do me the courtesy of being honest. It’s ok, really. I’ll understand.”

I can feel the bubbles of rage rising inside. I don’t give a flying f*ck if this guy thinks Kris is real or not. Because he is. And I don’t need him to know that I’m not making up a fiance just so I don’t have to either go out with him or feel bad about turning him down flat. Because I'm not.

Breathe, in, out. Breathe. Easy. Relax. It’s not my problem. But I do need to be civil.

“I’m sorry, Casey. I just don’t want to go out with you. But I hope we can still play together.”

“Ok. That’s cool. I mean, I had to ask. Thanks for being honest, at least.”

He should be thanking me for not punching him in the face. Or firing him.

Whatever. Kris isn’t here and we need a guitarist. He’s nowhere near as good as Kris, but he plays pretty well, I guess. Whenever Kris comes back Casey’s so out of the band, though.

Ugghhh! I’m so frustrated. I call Elsa to vent because she’s the best listener, and I really miss her now that she lives in North Mountain.

“But Anna, he sounds like a nice guy. Why don't you give him a chance?"

"You know why!"

"Anna, maybe it’s time to move on. It’s been 6 months, and you haven’t seen or heard from Kris, and he sent you that email, and…”

“Elsa! God! Ugh! He’s going to come back to me. He just needs some space and then he’ll come back.”

“No, Sis. Listen. You know I love Kris, too, but…”

I can hear HM in the background throwing curses at the mention of Kris’ name.

“But?”

“Anna, you’re so young and bright. I hate to see you waste your life waiting for someone that’s never going to come for you.”

What is she even talking about? Kris said he wasn’t going to be able to forget me, and that he’d always love me. Does that sound like someone that’s not coming back? It’s what I thought at first, too, but I know him better than they do. He pushed me away for a reason. I don’t know what it is, but I know that he’s going to come around eventually. And it just feels wrong being with someone like Casey, who’s a nice guy when he’s not saying that Kris isn’t real, when I know the second Kris walks through the door, I’ll have to push him to the side. That’s what happened with Jeremy, and I like Casey a lot more than him. Besides, he’s Finn’s cousin. So, um… No, thank you, I do not want to go through that again.

Beep, beep

“Oh, Elsa, someone’s calling…”

[unknown number]

My heart skips a beat.

“Sorry, I’ll have to call you back… Love you, Sis! Bye!”

Click

“Kris?”

“Hi, Anna, it’s Cliff Stone. Kris’ dad.”

I’m shaking so badly that I can barely keep the phone to my ear. What if something bad happened to Kris? Why else would Cliff be calling me?

“Is… is he ok?” I manage to eke out.

“I don’t think it’s made the news yet, but Grand Pabbie passed away last night.”

“Oh no! I’m so sorry!” My eyes water up at the thought of that sweet man. And even more at how much pain Kris must be in right now.

“Thank you. And um, Kris is in a really low place right now…”

Now I shed a few tears, but do my best to control my voice and breathing so Cliff can’t tell.

“...and Buldena wanted me to see if you could come to the funeral. So if you still-”

I dry my tears and suck in the snot that’s been on the verge of falling out with no tissue box in sight. “When should I be there?”

Cliff bellowed out a full and hearty laugh. “I had a feeling! And the sooner, the better.”

“Wait, Cliff… does Kris know?”

“No.”

“Are you sure he even wants me there?”

“I’m 100% sure.”

I buy my plane ticket right away, then order my Uber, then pack and hum to myself the song I still can’t get out of my head.

“More say he rose again, more say he rose again, more say he rose again

And joined the British army.”

*****

~ Kris ~

I haven’t been home for very long. Long enough to look through all the photos in the “Anna” folder on my computer, take a long shower with super hot water, jerk myself off in a way I haven’t been able to or even really felt like for the past 6 months. But I can’t keep it up long enough. So I just stand there in the hot shower, let the water pour over me until my fingers prune. Even though I can’t leave my DNA all over the wall like I need to, the shower is nice on it’s own. In prison I never get more than 5 minutes at a time, the water is always lukewarm at best, and no matter how clean it is, it always smells like piss and cum.

I inhale the fluffy towel I know Mom washed yesterday so it would be fresh, and I relax a little. I always took the smell of her detergent for granted, but now that my clothes, sheets, and towel either smell like bleach or BO, I have a whole new appreciation for whatever "crisp mountain air" is. I take a good look in the mirror. The crow’s feet are bigger, the whole thing sags a little more, and I’m not sure I can even call myself blond at this point. But I didn’t realize how toned I’ve gotten. My chest, shoulders, and biceps look better than they ever have, but I've got no fiancee to impress. Figures.

I haven’t forgotten how to play, but my fingers have forgotten the strings. It feels like holding an old friend that’s mad at me for staying away so long. The only part that really feels natural is Anna’s pick. I pinch it between my thumb and forefinger and hold it up to the light, and it’s as shiny as it was when I found it lying at the bottom of my guitar case. The gold engraving has rubbed off a little, but I can still read the writing, and those hearts still get me. I trace my finger over “Sophisticated Grace,” and then I flip it over and trace over her name, “Anna Darling.” I close my eyes and imagine what it would have been like to come home on furlough to see my glowing fiancee wearing that shimmery green dress, to be able to hold her, remind her why she shouldn’t give up on me, and for her to remind me why I shouldn’t give up on myself.

I remember the time in the van, when we first met. I had a hard on for her the whole set. I was waiting until Elsa came to the tour bus so I could meet her before whacking off to the girl that caught my pick. She was so f*cking hot and she just climbed onto my lap like that was a normal thing to do and I couldn’t f*cking believe it. I’m starting to harden again remembering how short her skirt was and how great her legs looked and felt so I reach my hand in and pretend Anna’s touching me…

Ding, dong, ding, dong, dong, ding, ding, dong

Ugh… just as it was just starting to get good.

I amble over to the door and check the peephole. I probably won’t answer anyway, though. I just got home and I don’t know who knows and doesn’t, and I just don’t want to see anyone anyway. There’s too many people in prison, and there’ll be too many people at the funeral, and I’m craving this moment of total stillness.

Wait, what?

My stomach flips, but there’s no way it’s actually her. I rub my eyes and open the door, expecting to be extremely disappointed.

“Hey there, Old Man.”

I’m fairly certain I suffocated her for at least a few seconds from squeezing so tight. When I finally let go she reaches for my face to examine me, her eyes filled with longing and tenderness. Then she takes my hand and leads me to my room, like it’s her house and I’m the visitor.

“Come on,” she says with a toss of her hair. She pushes me down to sit on the bed. I’m still in shock that she’s even here. I would ask, but it’s not all that important right now.

She roughs up my hair, which I had slicked back after my shower, and lifts up my shirt without a word. Then she runs her fingers through my chest hair and lays her cheek against it and hugs, a softly audible sigh vibrates across my nipple. Her hair smells a little dirty, but there’s a faint wisp of something vanilla. I run my fingers through it and she lifts her head and smiles when I get stuck in some knots. Then I move my fingers to her neck. One thumb lingers on her violin hickey. It’s a rosy pink color, the same as her nipples.

“Can I see you?” I breathe on to her neck before fitting her whole hickey into my mouth. I can feel her quickening pulse as my tongue flicks across the rough skin.

She backs up with a moan and takes off her shirt. No bra, and nothing less than stunning. I squeeze and pull her close to me, and just as I’m about to put my mouth all over her, she leans into me and breathes onto my neck, “Can I f*ck you?”

The answer is obviously ‘yes,’ but I’ve fantasized about holding her giant nipples between my teeth almost every night for the past 6 months, and now that they’re right there I have to take a bite. She squeaks and holds the back of my head while she presses herself into my mouth for more flesh to scrape against my teeth. I unbutton her pants and pull them and her underwear down in one movement.

She purrs and demands, “Harder.”

Then I reach between her legs to see how ready she is. But now that I’m here and she’s steaming and twitchy. She’s just on the edge, if I just move my finger to the right just a hair…

“No!”

She rips herself away from my finger and mouth.

“Not like that,” she says as she lunges towards me, her mouth like some exotic man-eating plant crashing onto mine and she uses the momentum to have me on my back. Our tongues are flush against each other and embracing. She forces my willing hands to tear at her ass and it’s exactly what they want, to hold onto as much of her as they can. I run them from her waste to her knees and slide them back up slowly, stiffening at the soft and prickly hairs poking my hands on the way back up so I can squeeze harder this time.

The feelings I (fortunately) didn’t have the heart to satisfy in the shower have come back to me tenfold now that she’s here and I’m f*cking ravenous for her. She starts to unbutton my pants and…

I panic and sit up. She’s going to see my f*cking ankle monitor!

“Wait, wait, Anna, I... don’t have any condoms.”

She pauses, and whispers into my ear as she pushes me onto my back, “I don’t care. I want you.”

“Wait, but-”

She reaches into my pants and the way she touches me is so much more important than condoms. This is spiritual.

“It’s ok. I’ll just get the morning after pill.” It wasn’t a sexy thing to say, but the way she said it was. Her lips pleaded with longing, like she had been fantasizing about me for 6 months, too.

Then she says, “I want all of you. I want to be close to you so I can feel everything,” and licks my lips.

She gasps when I say, “Me, too” onto her neck.

Right now... nothing else matters except Anna.

She doesn’t have the patience to wait for me anymore, and she doesn’t even let me pull my pants down all the way before she squeezes onto me. She goes so slow and I feel every agonizing pulse devouring me an inch at a time. I don’t have full range of motion, but it doesn’t f*cking matter. The best I can do is squeeze my legs together, hold onto her hip with one hand and apply enough pressure and up and down movements on her cl*t at the right times, which makes her moan. I would have liked to make her scream at least one more time, but I know better than to hold off after so long. If I lose my erection, neither one of us gets what we need. So I let her grunts make me grunt as she strangles me into an altered state of consciousness. I’m ready to come whenever she lets me. Then she squeezes even harder and with her last bit of energy hovers at the tip and glides up and down.

“Kris,” she pants, “Will you come for-”

Then her face scrunches up and she begins to spasm.

“Come-”

And it blurs, she blurs.

“Kris! Kris!”

As I start to release she pinches my nipples and it feels so good to finally be able to surrender to her. My vision blacks out. It seems so like a dream, but nothing’s ever felt this real.

“Kris!”

It’s like being inside a firework. There’s sparkly stars everywhere, and the sparkliest star there is…

"Anna..."

She collapses on top of me and reaches her arm over for some tissues, handing me a few.

She giggles it into my neck, “This is gonna be a little messy. Are you ready?”

I thought I had already experienced the pinnacle of pleasure, but this is the pinnacle. Her body wrapped around me like vines, throbbing against my pronounced heartbeat, and tickling my neck with her laugh and hair, is the best I've ever felt. I never want this moment to end.

“Let me stay a little longer,” I get out between breaths. “Please?”

Finally, she plants a tender kiss on my cheek as she slides off. She ends up squeezing a little without meaning to as she pulls away from me, and my skin burns as she drips on my stomach. Then she buries her nose into my sweaty neck, which she kisses over and over before moving to my lips. I wouldn’t have thought she’d have anything left, but she urgently tears at my lower lip and weaves her fingers into my hair to massage my scalp. I’m exhausted, but I’m not too tired to give her what she wants.

I sit up and move her leg over so she can sit on my lap. Then I move her hair over one shoulder and kiss her back and shoulders. I trace one of her f-hole tattoos with my finger and squeeze my hold on her waist with the other. Then I palm the boob I didn’t dote on before and spread her legs with mine. And I play her like my guitar. I may have had trouble moving my fingers against the strings, they bit and hissed at my neglect, but Anna welcomed me with open, well, she has the best f*cking vagine I’ve ever touched. And I missed touching it so much. Reaching back towards the crook and curving my finger against her as she rocks and every constriction implores my fingers to go deeper still.

She’s filled the whole room with her womanly scent, but she also smells like me. It’s turning me on, and I’d love to be able to wedge my dick into her crack instead of flopping around, but that’s not going to happen this time. This isn’t supposed to be happening at all. It’s possible that we’re in my dream, but it’s also possible that we’re in hers, and if that’s true, I’m going to do everything I can to make her toes curl a second time tonight.

I try to make it last longer, but she can’t hold on, so I try to make it as intense as possible. She squeezes her legs around mine and reaches her hands back to grasp at something, anything, and it ends up being my elbows, which makes me smile. I play with her nipple, alternating between pulling and rolling and flicking and pressing, and it’s driving her wild. I kiss her neck, just at the jaw, and suck lightly.

“Kris! Harder!”

I swallow more of her neck and gauge from her sound effects how hard is too hard. When I finally suck as hard as I can, there’s a long series of almost silent gasps and moans before a gutteral bellow and finally my name.

She settles into the crook between my arm and my body and rests her head half on my shoulder, half on my chest, her arm draped heavily over my body.

We lay like that in silence for several minutes before she lifts her head and says, “Kris, you were wearing your jeans this whole time.”

I laugh, for the first time in 6 months, because I’m so relieved this is real. But that also means I’m going to have to tell her everything, though. I’ve been fantasizing this whole time about what I would do differently if I got another chance with her, and I can’t waste it.

“Anna, I have to tell you something.”

“Anything, Kris. I love you. You can tell me anything.”

She turns to her side and props her head on her hand. I brush the stray hairs behind her shoulder, taking in her expression. It will probably be the last time she looks at me like that.

“Ok, but this is hard because I know you’re going to be disappointed in me. But I’ll understand if you want to leave.”

“Oh my god, Kris, is there someone else? Did you already move on? Oh, f*ck, fu-”

“Hey, Anna,” I chuckle and turn towards her so I can look her in the eye and take her hand. “There will never be anyone else for me, ok?”

That’s when I notice she’s still wearing my ring, heart facing in. I hold her hand to my lips and kiss her knuckles. I ended things with her in a way that she can’t have known she’d ever even see me again, and she’s still wearing it! Ok, here goes…

“So, that night, your birthday… I was actually on my way to see you.”

“You were?”

“You were upset with me, and you were right, I should have been there. I was being a coward, and an idiot. I just didn’t want to hurt you. But then I did hurt you, and I needed to make it right.”

“Then why didn’t you come?”

“Well, I had that epiphany when I was drinking… for the first and only time since the coma.” I pause for her reaction.

She strokes my cheek and I can see all of my pain reflected in her eyes, but no disappointment or judgment.

“But I didn’t realize my tolerance was so low after not drinking for so long. And I didn’t know how drunk I was.”

Her eyes fill with tears, knowing this is going to be a sad story, and I have to look away to tell her the rest.

“That’s when I decided to go to Arendelle. But I blew past a stop sign and I got pulled over. Anyway, I failed the field sobriety test and…”

f*ck… Deep breath. Just f*cking tell her already.

“...they took me in,” I say on an exhale. I didn’t even know I was holding my breath.

“But wait, you must have gotten out. I mean, you sent me that email, and you’re here now.”

“I sent you that email when I got out on bail, right before I took my plea deal.”

“Wait, what?”

“I was guilty, Anna. That way the sentence wasn’t as bad as it could have been.”

“But, you’re already out.”

“No. I’m not.” I pull down my pants and sock to show her the ankle monitor. She sits up to examine it, then she looks at me curiously. She’s got so many questions.

“I’m furloughed. I’m out for 3 days for Granddad’s funeral.”

“So you’ve been in jail this whole time? And now you have to go back?”

“Not jail, Anna. Prison.”

“Wait, so…”

“Anna, I got 5 years! Ok?” It was hard enough to tell her to begin with, but now it’s being drawn out, one detail at a time, so I just put it out there.

“What!? Just for running a stop sign and driving drunk?”

I squeeze my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose.

“Because I wasn’t just drunk, I was intoxicated. And…” quieter, “because it wasn't the first time.” I glance at her to see how she’ll react to her fiance/ex-fiance/whatever I am to her having been in jail that she didn’t know about.

“But how could you have been in prison before and still toured and all that?”

“Because I only went to jail before. Well, the first time was only probation. The second time was 3 months in jail and license suspension for 2 years.”

“So that was more than 2 years ago?”

“It was 4. The first time was about 7 years ago.”

“Wait, did you drive the tour bus without a license?”

“Don’t tell HM.”

“So how come you have 5 years in prison now when you only had probation and 3 months in jail before?”

“The third time the punishment is much more severe. But I was honestly lucky with 5 years. I could have gotten 10. And I was actually extremely lucky the second time. I could have gotten 2 years.”

“Oh, Kris,” she rubs my forearm. “That must be so hard.”

“Well, I did something wrong and now I have to accept the consequences. Who knows what could have happened if I hadn’t gotten pulled over. I mean, I could have killed someone, Anna.”

It’s something I spend a lot of time thinking about, but, judging by the shocked look in her eyes, it hadn’t even occurred to her yet. I’m waiting for the moment she thinks it’s too much and the past hour becomes nothing more than a bittersweet dream I couldn’t hold onto.

“I know, but still.” She sweeps her hand along the side of my head and it lands on my jaw.

“You’re not disappointed?”

“No. And I still love you. I haven’t ever stopped loving you. And I won’t ever.”

“Me neither.” I wedge her closer to my side. We’re both so sweaty, but she doesn’t seem to mind any more than I do.

“Anna, I’m sorry for everything I put you through. I wish I had just gone to Arendelle on your birthday when you asked. I wish I had just gone in person to show you my real dick instead of just a picture.”

“I’m sorry, too. I lost my temper and immediately regretted it. I called you so many times to apologize, but you never answered. And I texted and I emailed. I thought you didn’t want to talk to me ever again. Until I got your email. Then I knew it was true.”

“Wait, what? You called to apologize? Are you serious?”

“Well, I mean, I… we both know what I said and it wasn’t very nice, and I didn’t mean it. And I knew you were just trying to do what you thought was right. And I just got frustrated because I missed you so much.”

I don’t know what to say. Because she has nothing to apologize for. She’s been holding onto this for 6 months thinking it’s her fault I ended it?

“Wait, you didn’t get my messages?”

“I didn’t answer because I thought you were just calling to yell at me. And then I got pulled over, and I spent the weekend in jail. When I got out, I saw all your messages and they kept coming, but I couldn’t bring myself to listen or read them.”

We both laugh uncomfortably because if this were a romantic comedy, this is when the happy ending would be inserted. But that’s not where our happy ending, if there is one, goes.

“I’ve actually been going to therapy and working on my temper. I lose it when I feel like I don’t have control. But I’m learning to accept that that’s ok, and sometimes I just need to breathe through the pain and all that.”

“Do you feel any better?”

“I do, actually. But I feel even better being with you.”

“But you know this can’t last. You know…” now I’m choking up. “You know we have to say goodbye. I have to go back in a couple of days.”

“But I can write to you.”

“Well, yes, but…”

“But nothing!”

“You really want to write to me?”

“Well, yeah!”

“What if I don’t write back?”

“Then at least you’ll know that I still love you.”

She’s not making this easy.

“Let’s just see what happens when I get out. I still have another 4.5 years left. That’s a very long time for you to wait.”

“Kris… come on, you know I can wait. You know I will wait for you.”

“But you’ve already done so much waiting. You’ve spent almost half your life waiting. And… There’s no easy way to say this, but… Prison changes you. Being locked up for more than a year? It does something to you, Anna. I won’t be the same person when I get out.”

“Kris. Look at me. Please?” I don’t want to, but I can’t not look at her either. Her eyes paint a portrait of me that is unfairly flattering, and seeing myself in them reminds me how much I don’t deserve her love.

“Kris, I know who you are. And I love you for who you are. Maybe you’ll change, maybe I’ll change. But I’m only going to love you more. It’s like that song you wrote. ‘Autumn Breezes’?”

“I don’t think you understand-”

She places her finger over my lips. “Kris. Will you please just let me love you?”

Now she’s totally f*cking disarmed me. What the f*ck am I supposed to do now? How can I go back to prison like this? And Granddad’s funeral on top of it.

“Enough! Damn it, Anna, you just keep f*cking pushing for this and it’s just not gonna f*cking work. Ok? Everything is standing between us and you’re just going to end up f*cking miserable and it’s going to be my god damned fault because I couldn’t say ‘no’ to you. I’m just so f*cking sick of it! I’m so sick. Everything I do is to protect you and keep you from getting hurt. Everything. I stayed away from you so you wouldn’t get hurt. And look what f*cking happened when I couldn’t stay away. f*ck, Anna, I’m spending the next 5 years in prison because of you! And I’m just exhausted from trying to be who you need me to be, who you think I am, all the time. So can’t you just... just let it go already?”

Of course she’s in tears now. sh*t, what did I just f*cking do? Aaaaahhh… I just f*cking can’t right now!

I rush out of the room and turn on the shower, where I curl up into a ball on the floor of the tub and let out all of the feelings that I had to keep in when I got locked up. Not just my feelings for Anna, but Granddad, my dad, the Reindeer Herders, and last but not least, being locked up for 6 months with 4.5 more years looming ahead of me. If 6 months was this hard, I don’t even know how I’ll make it another 6 months, much less 9 times that. Especially now that Anna's not going to be there when I get out.

What the f*ck did I even say to Anna? After she came to see me when I needed her more than anything, told me she loved me even though I told her everything, and said she wanted to be with me anyway. She did nothing but fulfill - no, exceed - my fantasies and let me know that I haven’t been exaggerating her in my memories.

And then like a total f*cking prick I told her she was the reason I was in prison.

I bang the back of my head against the shower wall a few times.

It’s not even close to being true.

Chapter 38: Funeral Furlough, Part 2

Chapter Text

Some Say He Rose Again

~ Anna ~

What the f*ck? For someone that does everything he can not to hurt me, he sure does a pretty crappy job at it, doesn’t he? f*ck him. I don’t need this f*cking sh*t from anyone, especially him of all people.

What am I going to do now? I knew he was going to ruin my life, and I f*cking let him. Stupid! But I never imagined that I’d ruin his life, which is way worse. But, I mean, god, that was mind-blowing sex… I’m still throbbing!!! I really thought I had died and gone to heaven. I mean, there were f*cking stars floating around him pretty much the whole time. He touched me in ways and places I didn’t even know I could be touched. I’ve never felt so close to him before. It was absolute ecstasy and now it means absolutely nothing! Maybe he didn’t feel it like I did. Maybe it was just ok to him.

It’s not like I can even let him know that he just obliterated my heart because then he’d get back together with me even though he wouldn't want to, just so he wouldn't have to feel guilty about hurting me. And then he’d have 4.5 years to rot in his cell where his hatred would fester and become even more intense before breaking my heart all over again. And it'd be so much worse the sixth or whatever time around or whatever it would be, because he really can't seem to help it and I really can't help but let him, because I would have wasted another almost 5 years waiting for him, on top of the almost 3 I've already been waiting for him, like a silly, naive little girl begging for her heart to be broken this time. I can't believe that after being married to that asshole I haven't learned my f*cking lesson. If he's not around, it's because he's just not that into me.

It’s too late to catch a flight tonight, and I’d at least like to say 'goodbye' to Buldena anyway. She’s been so sweet to me. Ugh… I’ll just sleep on the couch tonight and I’ll see if I can change my plane ticket tomorrow morning. If Kris doesn’t want me here, then I don’t have to be here. At least this way I won’t have to miss the Wednesday session.

I find my way to the living room and flop onto the couch, evaluating the last almost three years of my life and my non-relationship relationship with Kris. Because that’s what it’s been this whole time. It’s not really a relationship, but it’s also not a non-relationship. At every step of the way he’s tried to keep me away. Looking back, he always needed to have an out, even if they were legit. It was touring with the band, visiting his parents, recording his grandfather, being sober, going to prison (ok, he really can't help that one, but I would have stood by him if he hadn’t pushed me away, and he f*cking knows it). He wasn’t ever really going to marry me. He only asked because he had just woken up from that coma, and of course I had just given him that blow j*b, and he was just swept up in the moment and not thinking straight. I’ve constructed this entirely fake relationship around him. I just confused good (no, not good … out of this world, big bang level explosive, feel it in your fingernails, rip you in half, forget who and where you are) sex for love. How did this happen to me again? It must have been the sex because holy sh*t. I just… stupid me. I just thought that part of the reason why it was so good was because of how much we loved each other. Maybe that’s just what sex with a rock star is like and I was just another notch on his belt, just a convenient f*ck whenever he was in town or when I happened to go out of my way to go to him.

I put my fingers on the ring and try to pull it off because everyone was right about Kris. We’re definitely not engaged anymore. But I can’t even f*cking do that! And that’s my fault. Because I can’t give up on him. Even after what he just said, even though it’s for the best, I just can’t. And I can’t believe that we’re in the same house and I’m sleeping on the couch instead of snuggled up against him in his bed. One more sh*tty night where I wake up and won’t see his stupidly handsome face. It’s the last time I get upset because I don't see his face in the morning.

And it’s f*cking cold out here!

****

What the f*ck is that noise? Wait, where am I?

“Oh, Anna! You’re up! I’m sorry I didn’t get to see you yesterday, but I know you and Kristoff had some catching up to do.”

I nod. Then I realize where I am and why and what happened last night. Sigh.

“Oh, morning, Buldena,” I manage between yawns and stretches and holding back tears.

“Want some coffee?”

“Is… is Kris still asleep?”

“Oh, um, no, he’s outside in Daddy’s studio. He’s just practicing. You can go out and see him if you want.”

He got up and saw me on the couch and just went outside? Ugh. I am not going out there.

“Um… You know, I think I just need to figure out what plane to take home this morning. And then I’ll be out of your hair and you can just have Kris to yourselves. I know how much you miss him.”

Buldena bursts into tears. I almost trip on the blanket she must have draped over me racing to comfort her.

“Oh! Buldena, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I give her a big hug and she pulls me even closer.

“Please don’t leave.”

What do I f*cking say now? I ruined your son’s life and our entire relationship was a lie? I’m the reason you’re in tears right now?

“I don’t think Kris wants me here, though.”

“Yes he does. He does.”

I really don’t even know what to think anymore. Maybe she doesn’t know him as well as she thinks she does.

“Anna, sit down. Let me tell you something.”

She wipes her eyes and pours a cup of coffee for me. She doesn’t even ask before she puts four sugar cubes in my coffee and a generous pour of mocha creamer. But it’s exactly right.

“Has Kris told you about his father? Vance, his biological father, I mean, my first husband?”

Oh. Vance Byrd?

“He told me that he was an alcoholic left when Kris was 5.”

“Well, he was in prison when I had Kristoff. And he didn’t get out for another year and a half after he was born.”

I’m trying my best not to be shocked. It’s not so surprising from what Kris told me, but it also explains a lot, I guess.

“He got into a fight with one of the guys he played with because he thought he was hitting on me. I was three months pregnant and already showing, but he thought I was beautiful and that every guy wanted me. You know, I’ve never been a Skinny Minnie like you.”

“But you are beautiful. And that’s part of what makes your voice so amazing.”

She laughs, which is such a welcome relief. The best I can do is a weak smile, though.

“Well, the guy wasn’t hitting on me. In fact he was asking me to fix him up with a friend of mine. But Vance had a little too much to drink and he hit the guy and the guy hit back. And then he did two years for assault.”

She raises her eyebrows and purses her lips. I wait patiently since there’s more to this story.

“He always used to drink, you know? I’m sure Kris told you he was a jazz musician. He played in bars and he was always around it, and he just drank all the time. But it was always social. He never poured himself a drink when I wasn’t looking. But when he got out…” She rolls her eyes. “But when he got out… he was a completely different person.”

My heart sinks and I have to fight the lump in my throat to respond. That’s what Kris said would happen. “What do you mean?”

“He got upset over the tiniest little things, and I did my best to avoid doing or saying those things, but then he’d just get upset about other things. He didn’t trust me at all. He didn’t trust me around other men, and he didn’t trust me to be in the room with him when his eyes were shut. He didn’t even want to sleep in the same room as me so he spent most of his nights somewhere else. And he never really bonded with Kristoff. Oooh, he was so excited when I got pregnant, and he was so sweet to me. Right after I told him he rushed to the store to get a crib and then stayed up all night putting it together. He never really was much of a handyman so he had to put it together and take it apart I don’t even know how many times until he got it right!”

She’s laughing through her tears, remembering the good times and the sad. I reach across the table to hold her hand. I wipe my own tears with my other hand.

“Thank you, Anna. I don’t think I’ve ever really talked to anyone about this before…”

It’s hard for her to get everything out, but this is something she really needs me to know.

“But after he got out, though, he drank more. He drank all the time. And then he started hitting me. And then he started hitting Kristoff.”

Now I’m sobbing. Poor Kris!

“But that’s when he left. He realized that if he stuck around he was going to keep hurting us. So he left, I met Cliff, and our lives got better.”

“So, Kris doesn’t know any of this? Are you sure?”

“Well, he was too young. And I haven’t ever talked to him about it. I figured it would be better if he didn’t know.”

I look down, and I really don’t know how to say this to her. It’s not my place to say it to Kris’ mom. It was a private conversation between me and Kris. But how the hell is Kris making all the same choices his father made if he didn’t even really know him? How does he have the same issues?

“What is it, Anna?”

“I just… I think he has already changed.”

I had just started sobbing when Kris walks in.

“Oh, you’re still here.”

I wipe my tears because I do not want him to know I was crying so he can blame me for ruining his time with his family by being hurt. But he f*cking knows.

“Don’t worry,” I say defensively. “I’m gonna take the next flight out.”

“Oh.”

He seems surprised. But I can’t read him otherwise.

“Um, can I talk to you for a minute?”

I wipe my eyes again and walk towards him.

“There’s something I want to show you. In Granddad’s studio.”

He picks up the blanket that I almost tripped on and folds it quickly before throwing it over the back of the couch on the way out. He’s about to say something, but he smiles weakly instead. Suddenly I realize that he must have draped it over me, and not Buldena.

*****

It looks like an old shed from the outside, but inside is set up for old-school recording. I bet Kris and Grand Pabbie built this together. It’s really impressive, and my heart softens from the love that must have gone into building this with his grandfather.

“Here. Just take a seat.” He sets up the chair, then holds my hand to guide me.

He walks around picking things up off the floor, shifting things around, walking behind walls. I have no idea what he’s doing but I’m not about to ask either.

Finally, he pulls a chair up in front of me and sits. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said last night. I think it just got to be too much, you know everything. And I just spent six months without almost anyone being nice to me unless they wanted something in return, knowing how I royally screwed up in general, but especially with you, and I didn’t even have a chance to make it right. But even though I hurt you and you didn’t know why, you still came to me like this. You’re so full of love and optimism and it was just hard for me to process after living without it for so long, I guess.”

Why can’t I just stop crying? I’m so sick of crying over him!

“So, I wanted to play something for you.”

He strums the opening to “I’ll Know What to Say and Do,” and I wonder why he picked that song. I’ve already heard it and I don’t see how it’s relevant to this situation. It’s about a couple that love each other even though they’re dorks. It’s obviously about us - there’s specific references to things that have happened to us - but the mood is all wrong right now.

I thought he was going to finish the song, but he added a new verse. A few verses. The first new verse is about the time I burped into his mouth, the second time is about how he threw up on my shoes, and the third verse is about the time we made out on his front lawn. It’s sweet, and it’s giving me some feelings, but it’s not enough to make up for him saying I was the reason he was in prison.

I give him a slight smile. He knows it’s not enough either. But his apology was nice, and it seemed genuine. And after talking to Buldena, I have a lot more compassion. But he’s planted this seed that it was my fault, and it’s hard not to let go of that.

“I’m sorry I got upset with you, though. If I hadn’t, you wouldn’t be in prison!”

“No. No no no. No. I’m sorry, ok? It’s not your fault. It’s my fault. It’s 100% my fault and you didn’t do anything wrong. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it. And it’s not true at all.”

It’s going to be a lot harder to let this go than I want it to be.

“Look, I made the stupid choice to leave you instead of going to Ireland, and the dumber choice not to go back with you to Arendelle after Elsa’s ballet, and then the even dumber choice not to go to Arendelle for your birthday, and the dumbest choice to drink. And I didn’t drink because you broke up with me, or at least I thought you did. I drank because I felt guilty about hurting you and instead of driving down there to fix it, like I should have, I chose to numb my feelings so it wouldn’t hurt me so much. I’ve been a really crappy fiance and you deserve so much better.”

But he’s right, I do deserve better. But I don’t want better . I want him .

“I… I know I f*cked up. And I hurt your feelings, and I’m so sorry… and I really wanted to drink, but I didn’t. Because I wanted to make it up to you. And even though it’s my Granddad’s funeral and all that, all I want to do is spend time with you. So, would you please just stay with me? Until I have to go back?”

I take a deep breath to control my feelings. At least I haven’t lost my temper. Therapy is actually working. Six months ago I would have said a lot of things to him that I didn’t mean and stormed off without even talking to Buldena or even trying to see things from his perspective.

“Please? I don’t want things to end like this.” He reaches for my hand and swings it side to side. Then he touches my ring and turns my hand to see it better.

If I leave now, he’s gonna have to sit with it for 4.5 years.

“But it has to end, right?” My lip’s quivering because I know the answer.

“Let’s just get through the funeral and then we can say goodbye. Properly.”

“Properly?”

He reaches his hand to dry my tears. I catch it and kiss it at the joint closest to his nails. As I lower it, I can see how red his fingers are and the silver indentations from his guitar strings are still there. He hasn’t played for 6 months, and 40 years of calluses have started to smooth over. Suddenly him playing that song for me means so much more than the new verses.

I let go of his other hand and help him move the guitar from his lap and he gently tugs at my hand to take its place. I suck on his sore fingers one at a time, the metallic flavor tingling against the tip of my tongue. I gently kiss his lips next, but quickly go back for more. I reach my tongue into his mouth, wanting to hold onto him any way I can. His tongue caresses mine, and electric shock forces me closer to him. I wish I had worn a skirt as I wrap my legs around him and the chair and roll into him.

“This isn’t goodbye,” he breathes slowly on my neck. God, I’m already wet for him.

*****

~ Kris ~

She pulls away from my kiss and I panic. She’s going to leave again. I thought she had forgiven me, but maybe I was wrong.

Then she shimmies her pants down and hops around trying to get the legs off. This isn’t a time for laughing. It’s really not. But my relief that she’s not leaving and that she still wants me gets the better of me and I can’t hold it in.

I reach for her hips and her My Little Pony underwear. But she knows me so well. She smiles, goes back to straddling me, and kisses my neck. It tickles and I laugh harder. So she kisses me and I’m laughing into her mouth.

“So,” she pushes herself away to stand in front of me with her hands on her hips. “I guess this is the next verse of your song?” she teases.

Suddenly it’s not funny anymore, because my admiration for her takes over the feeling of relief.

“I love you, Anna. So much,” I say between kisses.

I push her underwear down, but there’s a small patch of skin at her hip with a different texture I hadn’t noticed last night. “Anna, what is that? You didn’t say you got another tattoo.”

She raises her eyebrow, and answers, “Well, I couldn’t exactly tell you since you weren’t exactly talking to me, could I?”

Ok, that’s a fair point, but still, ouch.

She leans in to kiss me, which makes me more suspicious of her new tattoo. What if it’s something she did for some other guy. I mean, it’s been 6 months and she’s hot. I wouldn’t be surprised, or blame her, if she hooked up with at least a couple of other dudes.

No, no. I’m not going there. That’s how I ended up in a coma. And I gave up the right to expect her to wait for me. And anyway, she’s still wearing the ring. But she could have taken it off and put it back on… Suddenly that’s more of a pressing question than the tattoo.

“Kris! Come on, I said it was nothing. It’s nothing.”

I really don’t think it’s nothing, so I lean back as I press her hips back to get a better look.

It’s the size and shape of a guitar pick. It’s brown with a big red dot in the middle and gold… antlers. Right where she had it before.

She’s so embarrassed, almost as embarrassed as she was the first time. Her hands are on her face and she’s bright red. What the f*ck was I even thinking?

“Hey, come here. It’s ok. I like it. I’m flattered.”

“I got it right after Living Rock. When things were good. I was gonna surprise you the next time I saw you. I didn’t think it would take so long for you to see it. And this isn’t how I wanted you to find out.”

“Well, how did you think I’d find out?”

“I don’t know. Whenever the next time we saw each other was. But I just didn’t think it would be when we said goodbye.”

Knives to my heart!

“I told you this wasn’t goodbye.”

“Kris.” She co*cks her head in a very sexy way, and I try not to think about it.

“What?”

“What does that mean? It’s not goodbye? Do you mean this minute isn’t goodbye? Or do you mean when it’s time for you to go back it’s not goodbye?”

I’m starting to feel overwhelmed again, but I stop myself before I lash out at her.

“Um… I don’t know.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” Hope splashes across her face, and a beautiful pink shade takes hold across her cheeks.

“I don’t know, Anna. I mean I don’t know.”

“But then there’s a chance that you want to stay together?”

I exhale audibly and rub my neck in the back. “In prison, you can’t have any feelings. If you do, someone can take advantage of you. And you fall into a downward spiral of what-ifs. And you can’t talk about it with anyone. And I can’t just play my guitar. And I can’t drink. I can’t even just go for a walk to clear my head. So you either sit there, feeling all of your feelings, or you numb yourself to them.”

She reaches for my wrist and I can feel myself harden against her. But I let her touch me because I know I’m safe with her. “Kris,” she pouts. Also sexy, but not the time.

“And since I’ve been out, I’ve felt nothing but feelings flooding at me all at once. I don’t know which ones to grab onto so I try to hold them all, and it’s… it’s overwhelming. And I know it’s best to call it, but having you here in front of me, on my lap, it’s really f*cking hard to walk away. Especially since for whatever reason you don’t want to.”

She opens her mouth to speak, but I speak first. “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t do that thing where you make me feel really good about myself.”

“But you should feel good about yourself. I know you’re going through a hard time, but-”

“Hard time? I’m doing 5 years of hard time.”

“Like I said. But… hmmm…” she’s thinking very carefully about what to say next. “Do you remember the first time you proposed to me?”

“Wait, what? The first time?”

“You proposed to me on your birthday. Actually you proposed more than once that night.”

I told her I loved her the next day. I thought she’d left me. I thought she saw how f*cked up I was and walked out of my life. And I’d never see her again. But there she was, a huge smile plastered to her face because she was excited I was awake, because she loved me back.

“Well… what did you say?”

“I didn’t say anything, but you made me really happy.”

“You mean when I puked on your shoes?”

“Oh, that wasn’t a big deal. It was kind of funny actually. I had to wear Olaf’s shower shoes to the Goodwill, and they were just a little big. I wish you could have seen it. You would have been rolling on the floor!”

That’s a gentle and affectionate smile. How the hell does she still think I’m perfect? It’s so much to live up to and it’s going to be f*cking devastating for both of us when she finally finds out I’m really not everything she thinks I am.

“Think about it. You proposed to me when you were completely wasted. Oh, and you told me you loved me and that I was pretty. It was how you really felt. You can’t filter your emotions when you’re that drunk. I already felt that way about you, though. But I didn’t know that you felt the same.”

“I loved you for a long time before that. You have no idea how hard it was not to tell you until the exact right moment. It wasn’t how I meant to tell you. I was just so grateful that you didn’t leave me after seeing was a huge f*ck-up I was. I was seconds away from a total meltdown and you walked in like a ray of sunshine.”

“Well, it was the perfect moment.”

The hardest part about this whole thing is saying goodbye to her again. Even if it isn’t goodbye goodbye. Even if I say it isn’t, she’s gonna give up on me in a year or two. Or she won’t and I’ll keep hurting her. I’m not sure which is worse. It’s going to be too hard on her waking up alone everyday.

“But if you weren’t wasted I would have said ‘yes’.”

“You know, I actually love your tattoo… and I’m sorry you had to wait 8 months to show me… but…”

I don’t have to say ‘goodbye’ right now …

I pick her up and move her to the floor, and she’s squealing from my attention. It’s not exactly comfortable, but it’s carpeted. I slide a pillow from the couch under her butt. Then I kiss her sexy ass tattoo, and lick it like a lollipop. I f*cking love her tattoo. I could probably do this all day.

Now she’s giggling and kicking. “That tickles!”

“It’s not my fault you got a tattoo in a ticklish spot! A tattoo you obviously wanted me to see. And kiss.”

Nope. The aroma of sex on her is overpowering and it’s getting me so hard.

*****

~ Anna ~

He trails his kisses down the line connecting my leg to my naughty bits. His stubble is tickling me all the way and…

“Kris you don’t have to! I smell so bad right now!”

But he sticks his tongue in anyway and runs it up and down, flicking at my hood to give me an antsy, ticklish feeling all over my body that no amount of flailing my arms and legs can make go away.

“Keep going, Kris. Don’t… stop.”

He pushes his thumb against my cl*t while his tongue gets lost in my folds. I can hear his other hand unzip his own pants and he gasps onto me.

“Touch yourself. Don’t stop.”

He beats himself harder and the slapping sound is getting me hotter. And knowing he's getting off with me is cranking my dial to 10.

Fffuuuuccckkk…

Every time his own pleasure takes over him his breath hitches and the change in pressure gets me so hot. I’m so close… I'm at 10.97...

“I’m sorry, Anna, I have to stop there. Or, you know.”

He looks so sorry, but I don’t have time for that right now. I sit up and grasp at his shirt.

“Get the f*ck over here and f*ck me then.” And I pull him down with me.

His mouth tastes horrible at first so I concentrate on what he’s doing to boobs. It’s not fair how well he knows them and what they like. One of these days he’s going to give me an org*sm just from playing with my tit*. One day… right. f*ck!

The thought of losing him again makes me need him even more. I’m aching from his rubbing against against my cl*t. I need him with me, though.

I lift his shirt off, one arm at a time, and I reach for his nipples.

“Damn it, Anna, I’m not even inside you yet and you’re gonna make me come all over your stomach.”

“Or…” I push him up away from me. “You could come all over my tit*. Would you like that?”

“Wait, what?”

I give him a mischievous look and slide under him so I can sandwich his dick between my boobs. They’re not very big, but they’re big enough.

“Oh…”

He thrusts into my breasts, over and over, as I touch myself right where he left off.

Then he stops suddenly. “Wait. Wait. Anna, this is so incredibly awesome, and you know how much I love your boobs, but… ah… I just really want your to be inside of you more. And I just... god, I need your wet puss* so bad.”

How can I argue with that? I slide back up with a word and hold onto his neck to pull him down to kiss me, and I put his hand around him and show him where to go. But he already knows the way. Cause he’s the f*cking king consort… he hugs me to him as my head falls back and my back arches.

“f*ck me, Kris. f*ck me so hard.”

“Like this?”

It’s so intense I can barely move, but then it’s also so intense that I have to move so I can keep myself grounded. My arms flail until I finally catch onto his.

Holy... I can't get the words out but I'm worshipping King Kristoff Bjorgman's animalistic eyes and falling under his spell. I'd do anything for him.

“Anna, will you scream for me?” he asks, breaking the spell.

The feeling isn’t any less intense, but suddenly I’m feeling so much more like myself than I have for a really long time. “Damn it, Kris, f*ck me… harder. Harder, damn it!"

He bends towards me low and puts his wrists under my shoulders, his fingers on top, and he wraps my legs around him.

He stabilizes himself against my shoulders and slows his pace to an excruciating tempo.

“Like that?”

Split in half is the best way to describe this feeling. Every time he gets deeper and closer to making me break.

Just as he’s almost there, when I can’t take any more, he pauses.

“Wha? Kris…”

His laugh fills me up where his dick can’t reach and now he's thrusting with his dick and his laugh. I'm so f*cking weak for him right now so I finally let go and drop my hips off the end of the cushion so he can go even deeper than I've ever let him go before… And then he speeds up and I f*cking scream because what the hell else could I do?

“Anna, have to… pull…”

I’m not done coming and I'm not done with him.

“Don’t you dare f*cking leave me!” I yell at the top of my lungs.

When I’m done screaming he comes inside me, his twitches giving me a f*cking ecstatic ending.

I burst out in laughter because, I don’t know, I really don’t know why.

“Anna,” he joins in. It feels so good to laugh together with him inside me. "Let’s get married.”

I instantly stop laughing.

“Huh? Wait, are you serious?”

“Yes. I don’t want to wait five years. I want you to be my wife now.”

I’m speechless. Does he really mean that?

“I know the timing isn’t right exactly…”

“Cause you just gave me the best org*sm of my life?”

“Really?” He pinches my nipples to tease me and…

“Holy sh*t, Kris, don’t stop. Keep going.”

“So is that a ‘yes’?

He pulls as hard as he can without hurting me on one side and flicks the other with his finger.

“f*ck, Kris, I’m not done coming…”

“Oh, really…” then he switches and pulls the other nipple and flicks irregular touches on the other side.

"f*cking paralyze me!"

Then flicks both then pulls hard and I’m losing my f*cking mind. He pulls my nipples as far away from my chest that he lifts my back off the ground just slightly. I'm there, I'm so there. Just as I'm squeezing around him and pushing his hips with my legs he thrusts and stretches his dick just enough to make me see stars again.

“Yeeeesssss!”

God, I f*cking love this man.

He holds on just long enough so I get the full effect then lets go and collapses on top of me. He’s exhausted and god damn he’s earned a break.

“‘Yes’ I made you come again by just twisting your nipples or ‘yes’ you’ll marry me?” He doesn't have the strength to lift his head and look at me.

I burst into laughter again. Does he really think I won’t marry him?

“There’s gonna be a minister at the funeral. We can just ask him to marry us after the funeral. You know, like privately.”

I’m screaming ‘yes’ in my head, but I just can’t form words yet.

“Grandad wouldn’t mind. He’d completely understand.”

I scrunch my face in thought. I don’t have to think about it, but I’m just… what did he f*cking do to me?

“Unless you don’t want to…”

“I… f*ck…” damn it… “We may…” What the hell?

"Really?"

He rolls over and brings me on top of him. Then he winces as he falls out before he’s ready.

“Sorry!”

“S’ok,” he barely manages while he smiles through the pain.

I look around for a box of tissues, and there’s one on the couch we just rolled away from.

He inches over with me on top of him and I really get a good look at the newly defined musculature in his shoulders, chest, and biceps, which I definitely noticed but didn't get a chance to properly ogle yet.

“What are you smiling about now, blushing bride?”

“Nothing, just… do they know you brought guns home from prison?”

That’s such a typical Kris smile. He’s got something mischievous on the tip of his tongue.

He sits up to kiss my cheek as he wipes himself off and says, “I can’t wait to marry you.”

“Hey, Kris, you’re not just saying that because we just had amazing sex, right? Wait, amazing’s not a strong enough word but my brain’s still catching up because what the hell did you just do to me?”

“You said to f*ck you harder. Was it too much?” Then he laughs and I try to throw a tissue in his face and he laughs harder because it doesn’t work.

When he’s done laughing several minutes later, I finally finish my thought. “Because before you were undecided about being with me at all…”

“It wasn’t the sex, Anna. It was your laugh. It’s the best laugh I’ve ever heard. And I just realized that I was being stupid and pushing you away again because I was scared. But I don’t want to lose you or your laugh. Again. Ever, really.”

“You won’t and you never did.” I smile at him affectionately, and add, “My laugh and I can’t wait to marry you and your guns either.”

Chapter 39: Funeral Furlough, Part 3

Chapter Text

Graveside Wedding

Fiddler's Green

~ Kris ~

“Hey, Father Gothi, I know we just had a funeral and all, but I have to go back tomorrow. And my fiancee and I want to get married before I go back. So I was wondering if you could just marry us right now. I really don’t think Granddad would mind.”

“Oh, what a romantic notion! Certainly! I just need to see your license.”

“What? Like our driver’s licenses? Um. They sort of took mine.”

“Oh! Haha, no, I mean the marriage license!”

“Marriage license? You have to have a license to get married?” I don’t remember getting that before, but I guess Lyndsay must have taken care of it.

“Yes, you have to have it in order to legally get married.”

f*ck. sh*t. No no no! Anna’s gonna be so upset! After I made such a big deal about wanting to marry her before I go back. Ugh.... I do want to marry her.

“I… don’t have one.”

“That’s ok. Just go to the courthouse tomorrow and you can get one.” Ugh. Why does nothing ever seem to be easy for me?

“But… I need to get married today. It has to be today. Tomorrow’s too late.”

“Oh, that’s a pity.” It feels like the skin is falling off my face.

“This is really important to you, isn’t it?”

“I have to go away for a few years, and this is my only chance. I have to marry her. Please!”

“Well, if you like, I’m happy to marry you, but it won’t be official. Maybe that’ll be of some comfort to you.”

God damn it if I only had another week! We could have actually gotten married, like legally, I could have put her name on my bank account. I don’t even have a will, but I would have f*cking gotten one. Unofficially married means Anna’s visitation rights will be limited. If she were my wife, and I wanted to see her, they couldn’t deny me. But since she won’t be, on paper anyway, even if she comes to visit me and I say I want to see her, they might not let me. That happened to a couple of inmates. I might not even be able to see her ever. Like the whole rest of the time I’m locked up.

I look for Anna, tail between my legs. She’s standing with Mom and saying hi to all the guests, and Mom’s introducing her to everyone as my fiancee.I wish she was introducing her as my wife.

I’m gonna have to break it to both of them.

Anna’s disappointed. She’s trying to be strong, and she is. Eventually, though, between this, the funeral, and me going back she can’t hold it in anymore, and I hold her close to me. I’m going to make her cry every time she reads a letter or visits, if she’s ever able to. I’m going to make her cry so many times, and worse than that I won’t be there to make it better. I’m so close to losing it myself, but this isn’t the time. I have to stay strong for her.

I look back at the graveside, where the workers are piling the dirt on top of Granddad’s grave. I can’t believe I’m at his f*cking funeral and instead of mourning him, I’m trying to get married. I can hear his voice in my head, though, and I know he doesn’t mind. “Why don’t you just marry her already, huh? You’ve already had your honeymoon and then some!” He's right. I should've married her a year ago.

I hold her head away from me and run my thumbs back and forth along her jaw. Her eyes are so big and blue, and they’ve always been able to see into me, and I try my hardest for her to know how much it hurts me, too.

“So, did you still want to get married, though? I mean, unofficially?”

She laces her hands behind my neck and smiles. "There's no way in hell I'm letting you go back to prison until we're married."

"You know, you don't really have a say in when I go back to prison."

"It's not a f*cking joke, Kris. Just test me."

"Not that I'm in any hurry to go back to prison, but I'll let Father Gothi know."

*****

~ Anna ~

It’s not exactly a happy day, but I smile for Kris anyway. It’s not that my smile isn’t real, it’s just misplaced. It’s not right for a funeral, and it’s not right for sending my fiance/sort of husband back to prison for another four and a half years. But he deserves a little happiness to keep him warm at night. He deserves good memories to carry him through. I can’t even think about it or I’m going to start crying and the smile will have been for naught.

“You ok? Still want to do this?”

It’s not where I would have wanted to get married, and it’s not how. And Elsa’s going to be so mad I got married without her. But this is an emergency wedding and we'll be unofficially married. But Kris is here, and he’s the most important part of the whole thing. He's everything.

“Yes,” I smile shyly. I’m going to cream my pants if he doesn’t stop looking at me like that! But at least I'm not about to cry anymore.

“Oh, here, dear! You don’t have a cake or a dress, but you can have flowers," Buldena says just as Kris hands me a small handful of yellow and purple flowers from behind his back that he swiped from one of the aisles. He’s always full of surprises!

"Oh, I can see you got it covered, Kristoff. I'll just set these aside."

Kris’ cheeks glow from happiness and smouldering desire. This is not the f*cking time, Kris. Stop f*cking me with your mind! Just, keep it in your pants!

“So how does this work?” Cliff asks Father Gothi.

“Like any other wedding. Exchange vows, I pronounce them married in the eyes of the Church. Because you will be married under the eyes of God, legally or not. This vow isn’t to be entered into lightly.”

Kris’ smile grows bigger as Father Gothi speaks, and I can feel mine grow with it. Neither of us takes this lightly. Even though there’s light in Kris’ eyes, his heart is heavy. It's too heavy and wish I could help him carry that weight. I wish I could serve half his sentence so it goes by faster.

He holds my hands and looks at me when he says, “We’re ready.”

“Ok. Then, Kristoff, do you…”

“Wait. I wanna say something. Can I do that? I mean, my own vows?”

“Of course! What a wonderful idea.”

“Anna. I know I’m not perfect. But I wanna be the man you need..."

“You already are, though.”

He smiles affectionately and continues. “I wanna make you happy...”

Oh no! He’s going to tear up! “I wanna make you happy, too.” I cross my eyes and stick my tongue out at him.

Now he’s laughing. That’s more like it! Except now he might not be able to stop before we get to the end. It took all his self-control not to laugh during the funeral, and I’m sure he’s used it all up by now.

He’s almost doubled over now and Father Gothi doesn’t even know what to think. The whole thing is just suddenly so hilarious and I start laughing, too.

“Well, if you aren’t going to take this seriously…”

“No! No, please. I’m sorry. I just…”

“Kris just laughs when he’s happy. He can’t help it.”

“And you’re, you’re ok with this?”

“Yes! I do. I do!” I do? I look at Kris, then back at Father Gothi. I didn’t mean to, but I think I just said, ‘I do’. I mean, I meant to, I just didn’t realize that’s what I was saying when I said it. “I do! I do. I do. I really, really doooo!!!”

I’ve never seen Kris look so happy before.

“I now pronounce you…” I jump on Kris and hang on like I’m never letting go, even though I’m going to have to in 18 hours. But not a second sooner.

“...troll-fully wedded.”

“Wait, did he say ‘troll-fully’ wedded?”

“I don’t know, but you know what?”

I don’t give him a chance to finish because I’ve spent too much time being away from him and I’m going to spend even more. I don’t want to waste it.

But he breaks away from my lips to breathe on my neck, which is acceptable.

“He said you’re my wife now.”

He’s tickling my neck now with his stubble and I start giggling.

“Thank you, Father! Um… excuse us. We’ll be right back.”

He carries me away, and I yell over his shoulder. “Sorry! This won’t take long!”

I snuggle back into his neck, “So, where are you taking me on our honeymoon, husband?”

“Mmmm… I’m thinking… bathroom sink?”

“Oooh! So romantic!”

“There is nothing romantic about what I’m about to do to you.”

He sets me on top of the sink and locks the door with a nervous laugh. Then he frantically tries to push up my dress, laughing when he can’t. I lift one butt cheek at a time, and then the same with the underwear.

“Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold!”

“Ooh, sorry!”

He flings my underwear across the room and they land on a plant in the corner.

"Later," he says and places his hands under my butt to keep me warm, but that doesn't do anything for my thighs that are on top of the porcelain edge of the sink. I scoot to the edge of the sink anyway, and it’s a bit awkward, but we both need this so badly that it doesn’t matter.

Kris is massaging me, and also himself. But he’s going to have plenty of time for that later.

“Come on, Kris! Stop f*cking around!” I press my foot against his chest so he knows I'm serious.

He’s smiling now because he’s gonna f*cking tease me about this. It’s annoying as hell because it just makes me want him more.

He doesn’t stop fondling himself when he says, “Oh, do you want your husband to f*ck you?”

“Is it really too much to ask?”

“Well, I don’t know… how badly…” He inserts a finger in me and it shoots straight in. I fall back towards the mirror and the faucet's poking into my back. “...do you want it?”

“I don’t n-” and there goes a second finger. “God, I love your fingers so much…”

“More than my d-d-ick?” He’s starting to lose his composure, too.

“R-right now…f-f-f…?” He presses his thumb on my cl*t and slides it up and down, alternating the pressure.

“Yes!” I scream out. I’m totally at his mercy now.

“Well, we c-c-can’t have that…” He slides his fingers out and licks them.

My swollen insides pulse against each other, demanding satisfaction.

“f*cking be my husband, Kris, and make me come already.” I grab his shirt because he’s too far away. Then I reach down and force his dick to line up.

“I’m going to give you everything you want, Anna.” The sincere look in his eyes puts me under his spell as he shoots in, forcing them shut. We both know it isn’t true. But he’s giving me what I want right now, and then some.

I hug him as close to me as I can and hook my legs behind him, helping him push. It doesn’t take long for me to silently writhe against him. I’m sure he’s going to pull out because I’m too exhausted to tell him not to, but he doesn’t, he keeps pressing and wraps his arms all around me. His hug, his grunts, the warmth he spreads all over my body from my slit to my fingertips, and the sweet kisses all over my cheek make me fall in love with him all over again.

“Anna, I never want to have sex with a condom ever again.”

“Me neither. I like your cum too much.”

“Really? You’re not just saying that?”

“Promise. It’s… I don’t know, it’s like you’re everywhere. I can feel you everywhere and you feel good.”

“Wow… if I were 10 years younger you’d get to feel me all over again. You know, this conversation is gonna keep me going for at least a few weeks.”

I giggle, “Really?”

“Oh, yeah. But you also didn’t need to say that for me to think about you every time.”

That’s sweet, but I’m sure it’s not true.

“Promise. You’re the only one I think about when I’m alone with my hand.”

“Well, your hands are the only ones I think about.”

“Ok, see, that’s not fair.”

“Well, duh, Kris. You really don’t think I think about your dick every time I use the vibrator you got me?”

“I figured you probably got rid of it after your birthday.”

“Every day I opened my front door hoping you’d be there. I kept calling you my fiance, I never took your ring off, not once, and I never even considered going out with anyone else.”

He’s speechless, but there’s a tear at the corner of one of his eyes. I press my thumb against it to prevent it from falling.

“You’re it for me, Kris. And if I can’t be with you, I’d rather be alone.”

“When I get out, things are going to be different. I never want to be away from you ever again.”

I hold the sides of his head with my hands and kiss him gently. I know he genuinely means that now, but I also know it probably isn’t true. What I said was true, though. And I have a bad feeling in my stomach that I will be alone for more than four and half years. But I wouldn’t take back a single second I’ve spent with Kris, even if it meant I’d be alone for the rest of my life.

Now he rubs a tear from my eye.

“Hey, let’s do something fun. Let’s play together. With my mom and dad. We’ll have a jam session and play all the wedding stuff.”

“Ok,” I nod as he helps me from the sink. I almost fall, and hold on to him until I get the feeling back in my legs. My back is probably going to hurt for weeks after this. I'll have to get some Tylenol Arthritis from Cliff.

He retrieves my underwear from the plant and says, “You know, I think this plant here wishes it married you instead of me.”

Then he deeply inhales my panties and his eyes squeeze shut as he moves them away.

“Ew! Kris! That’s so gross!”

“What?” he asks as he helps me put them back on. “That’s gonna get me through like at least another few weeks. More like four cause of how wet the are. That’s seven or eight weeks covered.”

He pulls my dress down now and gets pensive. “Do you think… do you think… um…”

He moves his hand to the back of his neck and looks down. “Y-you could… um…”

And then, “Never mind.”

“No. Tell me.”

“Would you visit me?”

A huge smile forms on my face. “Yes. I’d like that.”

“I don’t really like the idea of you being there. Or seeing me in my uniform. Or in handcuffs. But it would be so nice to see your face…” He looks down, “and your giant nipples. Well, I mean, you know, under your shirt of course. I don’t want anyone getting jealous of my wife’s huge...”

This is hilarious! “I’m pretty sure no one likes them but you.”

“You didn’t let me finish!” He grabs my ass again. “I really love this part, too. So maybe when you come to visit, you can let me watch you walk away. You know, to last another next three weeks or so.”

“Whatever you want, husband!” I boop his nose and head back to his parents. I’m not sure how long we were in there, but I am sure it was a lot longer than everyone thought it would be.

I turn behind me as I open the door and Kris is staring at my ass. I pretend like I don’t notice and call after him to follow.

“You go on ahead. I’m right behind you.”

“You mean you’re behind my behind?” I say with raised eyebrow and folded arms.

“I mean, have you seen it from the back? Because if you had, you wouldn’t blame me.”

I have seen it from behind, and I always just thought it was too big. And I’ve always thought my boobs were too small. But damn, does my husband know how to make his wife feel sexy!

*****

~ Kris ~

I missed my guitar almost as much as Anna. I’ve never gone that long without it, and I never really know how important it was to me. It’s like having a limb cut off, and I just feel lost. I don’t know how to just be without it. But that was only six months. What if I come back to it in four and a half years and the wound scabs over and I can't ever get it back?

“Kris? You ok?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine.” I lean over to kiss Anna. She doesn’t need to know how scared I am. I’m gonna try to just ignore it and be present so I can remember every second.

I strum a few bars in Eb, then Ab, Bb. “Dad, you wanna start us out?”

"Oh, yeah, son, I hear you. I know where you're going with this."

He does a fancy run into “See That My Grave is Kept Clean,” the song that made Granddad famous.

“How bout one for the old man, eh?

"That’s really nice, Cliff! Real nice!”

“Come on now, Buldena, sing it!”

Well, there's one kind-a favor I'll ask of you

Well, there's one kind-a favor I'll ask of you

There's just one kind favor I'll ask of you

You can see that my grave is kept clean

It’s embarrassing how little I can do. It’s not that my fingers have forgotten, just that they’re sore. But once Mom starts singing, it’s easy to ignore the pain. Granddad was right, she does sing like an angel. I don’t really believe in that kind of stuff, but if they were real, that’s what they’d sound like.

After a few verses, Mom says, “Son, you take it from here! Uh!” and she picks up the shaker that's on the bookshelf.

Anna’s head perks up and she smiles because it reminds her of HM. We didn’t really talk about it, but I get the sense that she and HM are good friends now, that all that stuff between them disappeared when I did. But HM probably hates me for disappearing like that. And I don’t blame her. I wonder if Anna’s going to tell her. I’m going to let it be Anna’s decision, though. I trust her. And she’s gonna know what’s right to tell and what’s right to keep to herself. And her opinion counts the most. If the others’ don’t want to have anything to do with me when I get out, it’ll be fine. It would suck, but I'd understand. So long as Anna’s there.

She can see I’m not really paying attention so she catches my eye and smiles. I pick up the energy and do my best to play it like Granddad would.

“Now that’s what I’m talking about, son!”

And then, “I don’t think you put enough Pentatonic in there yet! Turn it around again there!”

“It’s never enough Pentatonic!” Anna teases and Dad winks at her.

In a way, I’m kind of glad Vance skipped out, because then I wouldn’t have Dad in my life, and he’s the best dad I could have asked for.

I make it through my next 12 bars and look at Anna. “Your turn, wife!”

I miss that sound so much. Everything she does sounds a little Irish, and it’s so f*cking cute. Not that she doesn’t know what she’s doing, because she absolutely does, but she just can’t let go of it. It’s like how she said she always heard Granddad and Dad even when I played punk. I know she was nervous to play with Granddad at first, but she definitely held her own. He was impressed, and so were his friends, and that’s hard to do. Was hard to do.

“You know, uh, dear wife, I don’t think you put enough Dorian in there. How bout you do one more.”

“Alright, you want some Dorian?” she asks. “How bout this?”

She keeps the same key and plays the tune straight, except she changes where the half steps go, and it's trippy. But so cool.

“Alright, alright, not bad.”

“Not bad? Let’s see what you got then.” She plays four bars and tips her scroll to me so I take the next four and we go on trading fours over the song another three times. And she's taunting me with my Pentatonic so I throw her Dorian back in her face.

I start laughing after the last one because there’s no way I can top what she just did, not after my six month “hiatus” anyway.

“Ok, Buldena, I think we’re back to you,” she says.

Mom sings a verse, then she tells Anna to put down her fiddle and sing with her. She leads her in a dance like she used to do in the 60s with her girl group, and oh my god is it f*cking cute! My larger than life mom and tiny firecracker of a wife.

Dad takes the last run and shuts it down til we’re all laughing.

“You know, that’s how Daddy’d want us to celebrate his life. That’s exactly it.”

I put down my guitar and give her a hug. I missed her hugs, too.

“Well, how bout we hear from Anna? You got some Irish music to fit the bill? Maybe a wedding song?”

She closes her eyes to think. “You know this one, Kris? ‘Marie’s wedding’? It's actually Scottish, but who's counting, yeah?”

She plays through the melody, and Dad and I pick it up pretty quickly. It’s a simple song, but catchy. And Mom gets the shaker. Anna plays some pretty cool fills, then she puts her fiddle down and pulls her phone out, hopping over to Mom.

She holds it out in front of her, Mom puts her glasses on her face, and her arm around Anna.

They sing together for a verse then Mom knows what she’s doing and takes charge. After a few verses, Anna changes the key.

“Ho!” Dad says. “You keep us on our toes, Daughter!”

There’s no point in hiding my smile, and Anna can’t do it either.

“Ok, ok. You guys ready?”

“Whatcha got, girl?” I ask. She moves her chair and sets her fiddle down.

I’ve never seen her dance before. I know Kyra’s been teaching her, but it’s so cool. And god, it’s good to see her so happy. It won’t last, but f*ck does it look good on her.

When she’s done with her AA-BB, Mom steps in again, and Anna gets back to her harmony while Dad winks at me cause we both know how lucky we are.

*****

“No! Stop! Stttooopp! Kris!”

“Ok, ok,” I raise my arms in surrender.

“Come on, be serious! Just for a second. I know you can do it.”

“Ok, ok! Jeez. Not even 12 hours and you’re already bossing me around.”

“Kris, I’ve been bossing you around since the day we met. It’s not new.”

“Ok, that’s actually, yeah, that’s true.”

I lean in to kiss her neck, then I can’t help it. She’s just so serious, so I breathe on it, “So, what do you want me to do?”

“Mmmm…” she turns to me. “I forgot… but more of that…”

As much as I love it when I can make her forget everything, we do need to this. If we don’t do it now, we might forget or run out of time.

I slide the phone out of her hand and change it to selfie mode.

Click

“Kris! That’s not fair! I wasn’t ready.”

Now she sits on her knees and messes with the settings some more. Then she messes with her hair.

“Ok, now.” I open my arm so she can be next to me. “Smile!”

Click

I steal a kiss.

Click

Now she kisses my cheek and I hit the button for her. I’m definitely keeping that one.

She steals the phone and sits up again. “Ok, smile!”

I do my best. As the hours count down it’s getting harder and harder. But it’s easier when I see her doing it.

“Mmmm… now turn your head, just a little that way.”

Click

“Are you going to boss me around some more?”

“Take off your shirt, Kris.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

I put my hands behind my head and flex my muscles as much as I can. She takes a few pictures of me like that. Then she stops.

“Kris, do you know how f*cking hot you are? Like seriously. I’m so lucky to be married to you.”

I feel my face flush with confidence, even though she's got it backwards.

I take the phone and start taking pictures of her. I get a few of her shoulders up, and I’m definitely taking that one with me.

“Stand up.” I move my legs to the side so she’s not on the edge of the bed. She isn’t wearing anything other than my faded gray t-shirt and her underwear.

“Take your shirt off.”

She bites her lip and slowly lifts it over her head and stands with her arms down, waiting for my next direction.

I take several pictures of her, then tell her to turn to the side and take some more.

She slides her finger into her Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle underwear and starts to pull them down.

“Wait, stop. Just stay like that.” There’s just a hint of her crack. And now she puts her finger in her mouth and looks at me over her shoulder.

It is taking all my self control not to get excited by this. Because I need these photos. If I don’t get them, I’m going to regret it.

She pulls her underwear down now, and I get a shot of them halfway down her ass.

“Wait. Turn around? I want to get your tattoo.”

“But you already got my tattoos,” she says coyly.

“You know which one I’m talking about.”

“You mean this one?”

She turns towards me again and lowers her underwear just enough to show me. I sit up so I can get a close up. And I’m right there. So I pull her already soaking underwear down. She holds onto my head to balance as she lifts one leg, but she doesn’t bother with the other because she’s already purring as I run my tongue back and forth along the wettest part of her.

I hold her hips steady so it means something when my tongue changes pressure.

“Kris, wait! Kris!”

Just as I’m feeling proud of myself for getting her there so quickly, her knees give out and she knocks me over.

“Oof! I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Her face is cringing in the most beautiful way.

“What just happened?”

“Oh my god, I was so close, but my thighs… ugh… they just gave out on me.”

Trying not to laugh. “Oh, you mean these thighs?”

“Yes! Those thighs. Ugh, so embarrassing… as usual.”

She puts her arm over her eyes to hide, but I take off my pants. f*cking ankle monitor… Finally I get them off and roll on top of her.

I move her hands away from her face. “Hey, it’s not embarrassing. It’s flattering. But let me see what I can do about the other thing.”

I squeeze myself into her, but she squeezes her eyes shut so I don’t move. Then I feel her relax and I slide in all the way.

“Do you want me to paralyze you again?” I’m teasing, but I’m also more than prepared to f*ck her senseless if that’s what she wants.

“No. I want to feel this. I want to feel you. As much of you as you can fit.”

She wraps her legs around me and squeezes my butt, then lifts her hips.

I find her hand and move it to my lips. “You’re such a good wife.”

“Mmm…” She arches her head back.

I stop for a moment to slide a pillow under her and she lets out a guttural moan with my next thrust.

“Fuuu…. Kris… I told you not to paralyze me!” She’s out of breath and she’s got a halo of sweat beads around her brow.

I pump into her again and the fingers that were combing through my hair pull hard. She’s gonna make me come like that.

I hold onto her nipples and squeeze the sh*t out of them, now that I know how much she likes it. Before I get too into it, though, I move her other hand to my head.

I go faster and she squeezes harder. Then faster and even harder. Until gives me the most unladylike grunt and I know I’ve made up 10 times for losing my tongue before.

“Anna? Anna.”

“Huh? Kris, are you even human? Or are you some kind of sex god? I’ve always wondered.”

I’d be laughing if I weren’t so f*cking close.

“Anna, I need you t-”

“What are you doing?”

“On your back.”

I’m not about to say ‘no’ to her right now. So I put my hands on her thighs and wiggle my fingers over the fine hairs on the backs of her legs. I’m gonna miss this.

Ugh… I can feel myself softening. And so can Anna. Talk about embarrassing…

She tries pulling my hair, now that she's figured out how much I like it, pinching my nipples, but nothing.

“Ugh…” I can’t believe this. “I’m sorry, Anna. I just… Ugh…”

“It’s ok, Kris. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have moved you to your back.”

“No…. ugh… no, it’s not you. You’re… f*ck… you’re so… ugh. It’s definitely not you.”

I can’t believe I’m saying this. “Let’s just try to sleep and we can try again in the morning.”

I can play this off a little. “I know how you need it first thing in the morning.”

“You know,” she says as she lays next to me, head propped on her hand, and lifts her leg over my hips. “Most mornings, I still look at those pictures you sent me for my birthday.”

“Wait, seriously?”

She’s snoring already. I pull the sheets over her and kiss her forehead. Then I put my pants back on and take my computer to the kitchen.

“What you doin up, Kristoff?” Mom asks.

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“Me neither.” She fills a kettle with water and puts it on the stove.

“What are you doing?”

“I wanted to get a wedding gift for Anna.”

“Any ideas?”

“Something expensive.”

“I don’t think Anna’s gonna care about that, though.”

“I know, but it’ll make me feel better. You know, HM is always teasing me that I have so much money I don’t even know how much I have.”

“Do you?”

“Honestly? I have no f*cking idea. I forgot the password for my bank like two years ago. And I haven’t looked at it since.”

“Well, how do you get paid?”

“Direct deposit.”

“How do you pay your credit card?”

“Don’t have one.”

“Oh, son! You are something special, aren’t you?”

“Well, I know how much I get paid from the tour. And then there’s royalties. And I really don’t spend a lot. Only like for food and that kind of thing. But my point is, what’s the point of having all that cash sitting in a bank? You know, and I didn’t spend a lot on that ring. It was embarrassingly cheap.”

“Didn’t you say Elsa helped? And Anna loves it anyway. She couldn't wait to show it off to me.”

“Yeah. I know. And I didn’t want it to be so big cause she’d have to take it off to play. But I’m asking her to wait for me for four and a half years,Mom. That’s longer than we’ve even known each other.”

The kettle rings and she comes back with tea. Too hot to drink. Big mistake.

“Well, what about a ring for her right hand. Those fingers don’t seem to move much, do they?”

“Mom, that’s brilliant. I already got her a wedding band. I’m going to get her an engagement ring!”

“That’s nice. That’s a nice idea and I’m sure she’ll love it.”

She stands behind me and puts her hands on my shoulders so she can see what I’m looking at. She'd never heard of Etsy before, and I only know because HM always buys jewelry and stuff from there. I’m pretty sure Dad’s gonna be really sorry I told her about it, though, and that makes me a little happy.

“What about this one?” I ask.

“Isn’t that one a little too… boring for Anna?”

“Yeah, you’re right. Wait…” I click on a picture to expand it.

“Oh!”

“That’s the one! It's perfect!”

“I think she’s gonna like it a lot. You know, I’m proud of you, Kristoff.”

“Uh, did you miss the memo about how I have to go back to prison tomorrow?”

“You know, everyone makes mistakes. And you know you did something wrong, and you’re doing what you’re supposed to do. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Doesn’t make you evil. Just a mistake. And some mistakes take heavier tolls than others. But they have nothing to do with how proud I am of you. That’s not gonna change.”

Sigh. “Do you think Anna’s proud of me, though?”

“That girl is head over heels for you. And loyal. And that’s what you deserve. May have taken you longer to find, but I sure am glad you did. I was about to give up on having grandbabies until she showed up at my door.”

We never talked about it. I don’t even know if Anna wants kids. She’s probably gonna be too old to have kids by the time I get out, though. And I'm definitely not fit to be a father. Not to mention that I probably broke her nipples the day before yesterday anyway.

f*ck.

*****

~ Anna ~

Ding, ding

I reach in front of me so I can wrap my arm around Kris, but all I get is wrinkled, but flat sheet. He’s not behind me either.

I’m not really crying but my face is wet and so is my pillow. I don’t know what I’m doing, but it doesn’t feel real in any case. I sit up and drag my knees in front, wipe eyes dry, and check my phone.

Right. Elsa and HM are coming to town this weekend because the opera is doing Carmen. I guess they want to come up tonight so we can hang out a little.

I look at my ring, and I kiss it. I don’t care that it’s not official. He said “I do.” That’s what matters. And no one can take that away from me. Not even him.

I flip through my phone for the pictures we took together. There’s some really cute ones of Kris. And for the first time ever, I actually have pictures of us together. Now I look at the sexy pictures of naked Kris. How is he really that hot? He hasn’t really lost his pudge, but I can’t say his new muscles bother me at all. Nope! Would I rather have him here in bed with me right now? Absolutely, hands down, in so many ways and for so many reasons, but I really don’t have a problem with the muscles.

Where’s my vibrator? I flip to the sexiest picture, but nothing. I’m just not in the mood. Oh well. I’ll just have some cereal and a lazy morning of TV. Don’t feel like practicing. And I don't have rehearsal until the afternoon.

Oh, I know what I’ll do today! I’ll go to the drug store and print some of the pictures out. I promised Kris I’d send them to him anyway. We only had time to print some color copies from the computer, but the quality was so bad.

I hope he's doing ok. I'll probably write him my first letter when I get home. He said it might take six weeks for it to get to him so I want to send it as soon as possible.

Beep, beep

"Customer Jones, Thomas. Your prescription is ready for pick up at the pharmacy. Jones, Tomas, please come to the pharmacy for pick up."

Beep, beep

Oh sh*t! I completely forgot about the morning after pill! I wonder if it’s too late.

The pharmacist counts on her fingers. “It’s only effective up until 72 hours after you have sex, and the longer it is, the less effective it is. When was the first time you had unprotected sex?” she asks.

“Um, Sunday night.” I would have had to take it last night.

“Never mind, I guess.”

“Wait, did you have sex after that?”

“Yeah.”

“Because if you still want it, you could take it for those times. It won’t help if you’re already pregnant from the first time, but it could prevent getting pregnant from the other times.”

So even if I take the pill there’s a chance I could be pregnant. With Kris’ baby.

“Well, what happens if I take the pill and I’m already pregnant, like from the first time?"

“Nothing.”

“So it wouldn’t hurt the baby, or I mean whatever it is at that point, if it is, I mean?”

“Correct. So you still want it?”

“I guess.”

Somehow I end up in the aisle with the pregnancy tests. I might as well get one of these while I’m here. Just in case.

Back home I set the open pill bottle, glass of water, and the pregnancy test on the bathroom counter. I stare at the three items, trying to make sense of this whole thing.

Kris was concerned about me getting pregnant. I kind of just assumed I'd never have any. We've never talked about it, but I don't think Kris wants to have any kids. I mean, we were barely engaged before he took off and then got… I push back the lump. And before that I guess I never really even thought he’d ever give up the band and touring, and that would be a hard way to raise a kid, never seeing them. Bad enough that he’d never see me, but to not be there for his own kid is way worse. Of course he wouldn’t be able to see them now either.

On the other hand, I’m 35. I’m gonna be almost 40 by the time he gets out. And there’s no guarantee he’ll even still want to be with me. It was a chance I took when we said “I do” because Buldena even told me about Kris’ dad, who came back as an abusive alcoholic. I really can’t imagine Kris being abusive ever. He’s seriously one of the sweetest and most laid back people I’ve ever met. But she said his dad was, too. So if I’m pregnant, there’s a real chance that I’ll be completely on my own. At least for a few years, and maybe even the rest of my life. And the kid could grow up never knowing their father. They'd know all about their father, though, even if they never met.

And if he didn’t want anything to do with me, I’d still be almost 40, and without a partner to have a baby with.

I told Kris I’d take the morning after pill, though, and he probably wouldn’t have had sex with me otherwise. It would be going back on my word if I didn’t take it, and it wouldn't be fair to him.

I twist my ring and try to pull it off, just to make sure I can’t. It’s secure. Then I twist the cap off the bottle and put my hand on the glass of water. I hold the pill bottle up to my lips, ready to slide Plan B into my mouth.

I set it down and decide I need a sip of water first, just to help it go down easier. Then I hold the bottle up to my lips again, then set it down.

I look in the mirror and pull my shirt up. I rub my lower abdomen, then look at myself sideways. It’s possible I’m already pregnant. And it’s also possible that the pill won’t even work at all. The pharmacist said it was less effective the longer you go from when you had sex.

I check my phone. I don’t remember exactly what time it was. It was in the morning, so it’s close to the deadline anyway, probably past already. But we had sex two more times after that (not counting the time he lost his erection). So I could have gotten pregnant from the first two times and the pill might not even help the second or third anyway.

But I told Kris I’d take it.

I hold it up to my lips one more time and stare at myself in the mirror. Then I toss the pill into the toilet and flush immediately.

I lean on the wall in front of the toilet and slide down. I’m gonna have to tell him I couldn’t do it. And he’s going to be upset.

Then I stare at the pregnancy test looming over me from the edge of the counter. I’m too scared to take it now. I’m not even sure if I’m more scared that I actually am pregnant, or that I’m not. But I’ll have to deal with that later because I have to get ready for rehearsal.